Day One

I said I wanted to blog every day. People are always good at goals in the very beginning. It's easy. Let's see how long I can stick with this goal of mine before I let something get in the way.

January 1st and it's 50 degrees out. I DO NOT like this at all. I love being all cozy on my couch watching tv or reading a book while the snow falls and I'm wrapped up in a blanket. It's a good excuse to not have to go out or do anything because it's "too cold and blustery". Instead, it's 50 degrees out and I feel like I should be outside doing something. I live in NY for the reason of having 4 seasons. I love each season for it's own unique qualities. I miss the snow. I miss the cold. I feel like I'm getting cheated. Hopefully, this stating of how much I miss snow will result in an epic snow storm that will have me stranded, cuddled in my home for many days. I'm soooo ok with that!

We went to church this morning. Instead of going to the big campus though, we went across the street to our smaller venue. My daughter slept in until 9 again, which meant there was no way we'd make it to 9:30 service. The smaller venue has service at 10:30. It was more emotional than I thought. Last time I was at 692 campus we were pregnant with the triplets. It was a more mindless/lessawareofhowunfairlifereallyis kind of time. We sang a song about how good God is. One of the parts of the song is:

With a cry of praise
My heart will proclaim
You are good You are good
And in the sun or rain
My heart celebrates
You are good You are good

You can watch the video here

This was one of the songs we sang at church shortly after we had lost our triplets. I couldn't sing it. I couldn't even stand to hear it. I know it's true. I never will deny, nor did I ever deny that it was true. But I was angry. I was so angry this song made me more angry. How could my heart celebrate how good God was when my children are dead. They are dead. They were alive, and now they are dead. Why does a good God let this happen? Why doesn't He step in and save them? Those were just a FEW of the thoughts that went through my head when I heard this song for the first time after they were born and went on to heaven. I still don't have the answers to those questions. I don't ask them in the way I did a few month ago though. And this morning, when this song was sung, I not only stayed in the sanctuary, but I sang along. I may have cried while I sang it, but I sang it. I meant it. I know it's true. No matter what lies the devil tries to make me believe, I know this song is true.

2012 may not have started out the way I had planned, or even the way I had hoped....but I think that the healing of my heart is continuing and that is a good thing. Because God is good. And I can say that will full confidence and assurance.