seems to be the thing to do. to recap the year. and to do it on my computer! hooray for husbands who replace hard drives! boo for husbands who clean computers with soaking wet clorox wipes because they are germaphobes!
ok, our 2012 in a recap:
we started out the year trying to get pregnant. it took many, many, many tries. so over hormones and shots and blood draws, and weekly dr appointments!
i was on a panel of mom's to talk about being a mother to children on earth as well as in heaven. it was an honor and a privilege, and i would take any moment i could to talk about my children. all of them. even if it was the most difficult thing i had done since having to say goodbye to them last year.
we finally got pregnant at the end of May! hooray! let the scared, anxious, guilt ridden pregnancy begin. we had many scares at the beginning, many reasons to believe we had lost this child. many dr appointments to show that our God is still a good God, and can still perform miracles.
our daughter turned 2. i can't believe i have a 2 yr old. it was a crazy 2 years, a hard 2 years, and an eventful 2 years, but we made it. she is the smartest, most beautiful, most sassy little miss i have ever known. i can't even imagine who she will grow up to be. i never thought her personality now would be her personality. we are beyond blessed with her as our first miracle.
we did our first annual walk with Stroll for Strong in honor of the triplets, and to raise money for the amazing hospital that took such wonderful care of my children and me. it's a tradition we are sure to do every year we can.
we celebrated the triplet's 1st birthday. we weren't sure how to do this, and we weren't sure we would make it through, but we did. it was beautiful. nothing i could have ever imagined. how can you imagine something like that anyways!? we had a wonderful day as a family celebrating together. first stop was Strong Museum with the big sister. then we went out to lunch. then we came home for nap time and after nap had a nice dinner. my mother stopped over so she joined in. people sent beautiful gifts. then we went to sing happy birthday and eat cupcakes on the front lawn with their memorial stone. we played outside until it was time for bed. we snuggled together as a family, we cried, we remembered every detail of Nathan, Malia and Anthony Jr. it was a beautiful, beautiful day.
we found out we were having another boy!
a great friend of mine wrote a blog about motherhood and featured our family in it. again, another honor and privilege. another moment to talk about my children.
we celebrated a second round of holidays without half of our family. it was just as hard as the first round. holiday's are overrated. i really think i may bow out next year. my husband worked for christmas, so most of the day it was just me and claire. she was sick. very sick. so we ran on a few hours of sleep and then had to host family at our house both days while anthony didn't get home from work until after 5. not cool. not cool at all. but we did it with a smile on our faces. lesson learned. next time, i refuse to be pressured into celebrating the holidays with everyone just because they want to.
which brings us to new years eve. anthony is working nights, as per usual. i haven't seen the ball drop in years though, and so i'm not about to start a new tradition now. especially after claire woke me up for a few hours in the middle of the night and i didn't get to take a nap. i'm just about ready to go to bed. really excited about my bed.
while 2012 was a year of hard lessons, painful experiences, and tiring days that dragged into weeks, it was a year filled with hope and blessings and peace that surpassed all understanding. i couldn't have walked through 2012 without the mercy and grace of my Savior and my God. nor would i have wanted to. my husband and i made it through a very difficult year of marriage while we learned to grieve, each one of us in a different way. we learned a lot about each other, and we changed a lot as well. our family is the most important "thing" to us. no one, no thing, can try to convince us otherwise. God taught us a lot about priorities, and while many look on and don't understand, or cast judgement for the way we "do life" now, it has never bothered us less. a year of learning and growing, a year of stumbling and getting back up. a year of learning how to support and fill each other when we were yet still empty and stumbling ourselves. God is good.
i look forward to 2013. i look forward to meeting my newest son face to face. to smell his skin and hair. to kiss his warm soft cheeks. to watch him take his first breath. i am terrified of the emotion that will come along with this next year of having another child, bringing him home, filling our home with a new life. i'm terrified of being a mommy to another earthly child as i'm still missing my heavenly children with every part of my being. i'm looking forward to having the support of my husband, and more importantly, my God. I know there will be many, many more life lessons learned in this new year. i know there will be many more heartaches, and painful moments. i also know though, that His mercies are new every single day. His grace is sufficient, every single moment. And He will never leave me or forsake me. No matter how hard a moment, or a day, or even a week can get.
hope everyone has a safe and happy new year. here's to the birth of all things new!
Monday, December 31, 2012
2012
Friday, December 28, 2012
Crashed
our computer crashed, my husband is currently fixing the hard drive, so I haven't really had time to update this blog, and it's especially hard on my phone.
also, my daughter has been terribly sick, and we've had so many sleepless nights in a row, i wasn't sure which time of day was when the past week and a half. this morning, she woke up all smiles, and running into my bedroom to greet me after asking daddy to change her diaper. NOT how mornings have gone for about 2 weeks now, so we were so thankful to have our little girl back to her normal self again. she actually slept through the night as well, which means daddy and mommy got to. well daddy did anyways....mommy was up peeing and tossing and turning from heartburn and contractions.
Lately, my braxton hicks have gotten much more painful, and definitely baffle my doctor and i. while it's normal to get them after overdoing it, and laying down is supposed to be the "cure", i get mine usually whether i'm over doing it or not. in fact, most of the time, i get them after laying down for a while. dominic doesn't seem to be bothered by them, and they aren't dilating me, so we aren't worried at this point. just weird, but as per usual, nothing ever goes "normal" with me or my pregnancies.
our christmas was nice this year, lots and lots of celebrations, and still one more tonight. honestly though, i could have done without christmas this year. anthony worked, AND we hosted. which means i hosted. and did i mention we were getting about 3 - 4 hours of sleep a night. and we had a sick, miserable, very exhausted 2 yr old, AND i'm 8 months pregnant? yeah. while claire did awesome at party time, and i loved spending time with family, i could have done without it all. i was utterly exhausted by the end of each day, and wasn't able to get rest so it made each day worse. i'm looking forward to maternity leave, hahaha.
there's more to update on, but for now i'll leave it at this. i hate seeing that it's been so long since i've blogged, but at the same time, i don't want this to be a post that is TOO all over the place. hopefully, i will be able to update from my computer the next time. wishing everyone a very merry christmas season, and a happy, blessed, safe new year!
**this just in, it's up and working !!!! hooray! my husband is a jack of all trades. so glad it was a semi-inexpensive fix! he just had to buy and install a new hard drive!
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Christmas is coming
and i'm getting fat. holy moly, am i ever. i don't know if it's the way i am carrying dominic or what, but he's making me so very uncomfortable lately. i am definitely not complaining. i absolutely love, and usually tear up, in the middle of the night when he wakes me from dancing on my bladder. it is however, harder and harder to get through each day lately. i have sciatica pain, my pelvic joint is either throbbing or tingling lately, my ankles are swollen and my lower back feels like i have a crooked rusty rod poking through it. all things i never felt in either of the other pregnancy's i've had. i think it has to do with where his placenta is. it's on my backside, which means every single move he makes i can see and feel so intensely in my belly. my daughter can't snuggle me very easily, or sit on my lap and read a book. my maternity tanks are getting small on me. so, soon i will be wearing stylish garbage bags. a few not so nice people are constantly teasing about how dominic will be 10 lbs or more when he's born, that the dr's will have to slice me open like "zorro" to get him out. to which i call them both mean names and mutter evil curses under my breath (i kid, sometimes i say them out loud). but i'm beginning to think he may be bigger. i can't bend over, or do most things i could with my first daughter by this time in my pregnancy. we shall see how these next 9 weeks go. should be interesting. my husband is picking up lots of extra shifts so guys will owe him when dominic is born. not sure that that is so wise anymore. good thing claire can do most things without me having to lift her.
i feel like i haven't written in here in a long time. i don't know what to say that isn't so repetitive anymore. we had fun getting our christmas tree and decorating it. claire loved every minute of it and stands in front of it each night admiring it. granted, one branch is a bit heavier than the rest, but she loved putting all the ornaments up.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Christmas Decorating 2012
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Giving Thanks
This year Thanksgiving was small. My family was all spread out, and so was my husband's this year. It was the smallest one we've had yet, with just 7 of us. I sat and watched the parade in the morning with my daughter and my mother. My daughter got excited and jumped around singing and dancing to every band and number that performed. I think she'll share in the excitement every year for the parade. So thankful for that. Eventually, her excitement died down though and she went outside with her daddy to "do work". My mother followed to go play with her. I was sitting on my couch, in my pajamas, watching the parade without interruption. I was very thankful. There were a few times I teared up throughout the morning, different songs or things I would see that would make me think of Anthony Jr, Nathan, or Malia. After the parade Claire had lunch and went down for a nap. The cooking frenzy began, and took a few hours. My sister and her kids came over and that was everyone. We visited while Claire slept, I finally got a chance to jump in the shower. I am very thankful for showers. It's my "get-a-way". Hot Hot Hot water. Quiet. Just me, my thoughts, and Dominic. I prayed and thanked God for all He's brought us through and all He's blessed us with in this last year. I made my way downstairs to finish up the food and it was time to eat. I love the food on Thanksgiving. All my favorite foods at one time. So so so so so delish! After dinner was dessert. I love dessert. Let's just be real, I love food. Suddenly, it was late. Time to put Claire to bed. My sister and her kids left to go start their shopping. My mother went to bed early. It was my husband and I snuggled on the couch watching t.v at the end of a busy day. Thankful when we have those moments together, alone. Que emotions. A point in the show where a baby was born, and the baby wasn't breathing. The fear and pain in the parents eyes was terrible acting. Not even close to what you really feel, really look like looking at your child lying there not breathing. The tears flowed more. Time for bed. I couldn't sleep. I ended up on my couch around 3 and just played around on the computer trying to get exhausted enough to go to sleep. It was after 5 and I was still awake. I tried going to sleep again. It was too hard. My mind wouldn't shut off. My emotions wouldn't shut off. I finally fell asleep around 7 for a couple of hours. Thankful my husband let me sleep in a bit and he took care of things in the morning.
Overall, my day went much better than the anxiety leading up to it. Thankful that God was my peace and my strength for the day.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Round 2
I never thought "Round 2" would hit me like this. I've cried 3 times already this morning. I'm not ready for more holidays without my children. everyone says that each year get s better. who made up that rule? stupid. just stupid. it's not better. not at all. i miss them terribly and now, with round 2 just hours away, i am even more saddened that this feels like more reality. they really aren't here. this isn't just a terrible bad dream that took a long time to end. this past year was a year of firsts. now, it's starting out our seconds. thanksgiving and christmas are my 2 most favorite holidays ever. tomorrow, i will wake up and start making dinner while watching the parade. only i will only be making dinner for 3 less mouths this year. again. my husband said he thinks a lot about how they would be crawling around now and probably trying to start walking. it would be an utter chaos kind of holiday. the kind i love. the kind where i would rather order in because thinking of making all this food while entertaining family and chasing a 2 1/2 yr old and 3 1 yr olds would just overwhelm me to a state of rocking in the corner. i dreamt of that. for 21 weeks. "Round 2" sucks just as bad as "Round 1". they are lying if they tell you different.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Updates...all around!
Let's just do a little run through on some updates, shall we? Let's start and go youngest to oldest.....
Dominic is doing well. He is constantly moving. I can now feel when it's an elbow or a knee vs just him rolling around/kicking me. I can't wait until that first time I see his heel or foot or hand imprint. That was my favorite part with Claire. Dominic's check ups have all gone well. I just took the glucose test about a week ago and have heard nothing, so that has to be good. I can't have anymore dietary restrictions, I just can't. I'll just die. I'll wither up into nothing (there may be slight drama in those sentences). I did gain another 4 lbs, so that's up 8 lbs so far. we are at 27 1/2 weeks right now, so we shall see where this goes. I only gained 18 with Claire, so I only have about 10 more to go before I start freaking out. I have had many horrible dreams this pregnancy, and the further along I get, the worse they are getting, so that can stop any day now. We pray over my dreams every night. Eventually, my subconscious will have to surrender to the much higher power of my Jesus. Even my subconscious is stubborn. Oye! I go to the dr again on the 3rd of December. I'll just 29 weeks then, and I'm going to be brave enough to ask for another ultrasound. I have been meaning to, but chicken out every time. I don't know why. I really want to see him again though. And honestly, I want to have my cervix measured. That is what unnerves me the most. Dominic loves salty, spicy foods. He loves sugar, and coca cola, and he really loves to move. Did I mention that already? No matter what time of day it is, he is pretty busy. When I wake up in the night, no matter what time, or how many times, he's pushing around in there, trying to get comfortable, or playing Wii bowling. I don't know. He's a busy little guy. I have to say though, it doesn't bother me one bit. I absolutely love it. I can't wait for him to move around again in the times he does settle down and "sleep" in there. Overall, I think everything is going so well for him. Thanking God every day for His promises of "yes, and amen".
Claire is doing great as well. She is convinced there is a "dominic" in her belly. To the point of while at the dr's yesterday, laying on the table while getting her diaper changed, she ask me if the "doc-or was going to check her dominic" while she rubbed her belly. I laughed so hard I almost peed (I know, I know, hard to believe...). There is no convincing her that Dominic is most definitely only inside my belly and it doesn't hurt. We've had a few issues with her belly lately, and have figured out that her acid reflux from days or yore has returned, and returned with a vengeance. There isn't a day, and most days, there isn't an hour that goes by that she isn't complaining that her belly hurts. She will point to her belly, or her sternum area. She has thrown up in her sleep....yes, her sleep lately. She doesn't even wake up. I find her when I go to bed covered in vomit and sleeping soundly. I have a video monitor. I'm obsessed with watching her on it. She doesn't make a peep, she doesn't even move. I find her gripping her stuffed animals and blankie in the exact position she goes down in. I am scared out of my mind that she will throw up and choke and stop breathing...to the point where I wake up multiple times in the night to check on her. We finally called the dr to figure out what else to do, and they have said hers is just so bad that she has to be on 2 different meds for now until it gets better. They are afraid of the same thing since her vomiting isn't even making her stir! We are trying to get her to sleep on her belly or her side, but after 2 1/2 yrs of sleeping on her back, she insists on sleeping on her back. We are practicing with her though, because it's better for her reflux, and her mommy's sanity. She also doesn't digest her food normally. It takes FOREVER for her to digest, which is why she's not gaining a ton of weight, has terrible constipation, and terrible acid reflux. When she throws up, 9 hours after a meal and it's contents are still inside her stomach, that's a bad thing. There is nothing to really do for it though, and most likely, she won't outgrow it. Obviously, I'm aware things could be much much worse. It's just acid reflux, but I still hate that my baby is in pain and has to be on all this medication. I'm looking up natural ways to speed up digestion, hoping this will help with many of her issues.
I'm doing well. Huge. Hard to breath. Always nausea. Most days have a headache. And can't remember the last time I got more than 6 hours of sleep. I love every single bit of it. I'll be sad when I'm not pregnant, but happy just the same with Dominic safe on the outside. I'm nervous as anything to get to the end and give birth. I'm so scared of what it's going to be like to hold a, God willing, healthy, crying baby boy. The last time giving birth and holding my children was so wretched, I'm not sure how my emotions are going to handle it. I do know, every time I think about it, I cry. I'm scared something will go wrong last minute. I'm scared I won't get to take Dominic home. I'm scared I will take Dominic home and everyone will forget about the 3 beautiful children between Claire and Dominic's births. Already people say things like "oh a boy and a girl, just perfect". I know it's not really their intention to be cutting like that, but I can't help the urge of wanting to punch them in the face for even thinking such a thing. No, I have 3 boys and 2 girls. No one would make that comment if all my children were living here with me. Instead, I smile politely and walk away. Honestly, one of these days I won't be able to hold back. I will word vomit on them. I know I will. Nathan, Malia, and Anthony Jr's lives may mean nothing to them, but to me, they changed my every makeup of who I am. They have changed my family forever. They have changed my view of family, and what it means to me. They are never out of my mind, and never will be. I have more than 2 children. I have more than just a boy and a girl. I pray I'm never insensitive and always aware that there is more to people's stories than what you see in a physical picture at that moment.
My husband is doing great too. He's my rock. Most days. Some days I want to hit him with a rock, but I know it's just my hormones. Blame it on the baby. (I kid....mostly...) He assures me that everything will be ok. We pray constantly together for Dominic and for his health and growth. We thank God every day for allowing us to be pregnant again and to hopefully bring this baby home to raise and love and play with. He works hard to make sure he's home and has a beautiful relationship with our children. He's always thinking of ways to include the triplets into things as I am. I love his tender heart. He has masterminded a plan to have our house paid off in less than 2 years. It's brilliance. In this plan, it will mean that I will stay home with our children someday much sooner than I planned. It isn't something most people would pick because there are sacrifices involved, but the sacrifices are for such a short time, that it doesn't seem that big of a deal. My problem is I want to never stop doing all we do to help others and live comfortable lives, so selfishly I work for those reasons. With his plan though, we will still do all we are doing, and won't notice a difference at all by the time I am staying home and the house is paid off. I'm so proud of how disciplined he is with our money, and I'm so proud of his financial genius that moves the numbers around to always work them in our favor. Of coarse, we attribute all of this to God and His faithfulness to us in our faithfulness to Him. I wouldn't want to leave that major detail out.
Well, that about sums it up. Thanksgiving is just a couple of days away, and I have to battle the crazy's at the grocery store to pick up a lot of the ingredients for dishes I'm making yet. We always do Thanksgiving at our house and this year, we are doing most of the cooking too. My husband's request. As long as no one interrupts my parade, I'll do whatever they want. Just don't speak or move or breath loudly during the parade (again, I kid....sort of...).
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving Day everyone, and remember who the giver of all Good things is.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Lately...
I'm having a really rough few days. Today, my husband text me while I was on a field trip with work. In a movie theatre, watching "Wreck it Ralph", I get a text saying my husband will have to work Christmas this year. Usually, there is a young kid who doesn't mind and has worked for my husband in the past when he's had to work Christmas. This year, he has a girlfriend. He is spending Christmas with them. Normally, it wouldn't be a big deal. Normally, I'd just move on. It's just a day really. We can celebrate before or after the 25th. Today wasn't "normally" though. I shed a few tears. In the theatre. During a cartoon. I quickly pulled myself together, but haven't been able to get it out of my head. This will be my first Christmas Day without my husband, and without Anthony Jr, Nathan, and Malia.
The first holiday season was hard. Really hard. I was still pretty depressed getting through it. I was still crying every day, and sitting in God's presence as much as I could just to be able to breath. This season approaching....very, very, very rapidly.....is seeming to be just as hard. Some say it's gets easier as time goes on. And while I'm not a puddle in the corner having a hard time catching my breath every day, I am still missing my children. A whole lot. And as each day goes by, I realize that I'm only going further and further away from the day they were born, the day I kissed their sweet faces, smelled their heads and necks, held them tightly to my chest. I feel like each holiday without them will only get harder. It will only prove that time keeps moving forward, and they are not here. I can't pick them up, sniff the napes of their necks, kiss their warm fleshy cheeks. And now, without my husband to hold me up, Christmas is up to me for my daughter, for my family parties. I know I can't do it. I know I may duck out of Christmas this year. I may check out completely and lay in my bed snuggling my daughter and watching Elmo all day long, eating cookies, and pretending it's just another day.
I know it's just a new part of life I am going to have to figure out, and I know I don't have to do it alone. I have my faithful Father in heaven and I know He's never going to let me go. He's going to help me breath in and out and get through each new day. Sometimes, though, I really just don't know how to do it, even with His help. Lately, I'm at my desk and find myself on the verge of tears, or in the middle of the store, and ready to just about lose it, or laying on my couch watching a comedy with my husband and just can't hold back the tears. Lately, I am missing them so much that the scar on my heart is starting to bleed again.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
The Room
All the furniture has arrived for Dominic's room. We put the crib together yesterday. The decor will go up on the walls this week. Yesterday, I spent nap time putting all his clothes and blankets and sheets away. I put aside his hospital clothes, socks, hats to be put in my hospital bag in the next few weeks. I then laid on his floor, with my computer and a few pillows. I ordered some leggings and onesies for Dominic, and then I put my head down and closed my eyes. Not too long ago this room was tan with tan carpet. There were 3 cribs and a dresser stuffed into this room. This room wasn't supposed to be decorated like this. The wall color changed. The carpet color changed. Only 1 crib in the room now. I shed a few tears. It's hard to look into the room and see all of this new furniture. It's hard to think that Dominic wouldn't be growing and squirming around inside of me if the triplets were still alive. It's hard to think I couldn't have it both ways, triplets here with us and Dominic preparing to join us on this side of my womb. Life is nothing like I pictured. I am definitely blessed, and thankful for all that we have and all of our children, but I can't help but have waves of intense sadness that the way this life is shaping up, the family I have is all because of 3 of my children waiting in heaven for me.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
waiting
I'm sitting here feeling my son move around inside of me. He may be a gymnast the way he just somersaults in there. Lord knows, there is plenty of room. I compared my 24 week with Claire with my 24 week with Dominic. I'm a tad bigger. And by tad, I mean I'm a whale. Just ask my oh-so-kind friend Becca. She called me "large and in charge" yesterday. She told me I won't fit into shirts by Christmas. She said I should just wear a giant garbage bag around because that's all that will fit. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating a little. She didn't say ALL that, but she thought it. I can read her mind. I can't walk down the hallway without being winded. I was like that all 3 times though. It's like my lungs are the first to get squished. I love it. I love every second of it. There is less than 15 weeks to my pregnancy, and I know it will be here before I know it. I don't want it to end. I mean, I DO because I want to meet him, hold him, smell him, snuggle him, kiss him, never let him go....but I cherish the moments he's inside of me. I'm selfish that way. He's all mine, all the time. I know every part of him, I know when he's awake and when he's sleeping. When he has the hiccups, and when he's doing the "worm" to make room and get comfortable. I know my days are only going to get more tiring, and I'm completely ok with that.
They say you get less sleep when you are pregnant because your body is preparing to be used to getting up with an infant. Really though, it's my daughter who's preparing my body. She sucks at sleeping lately. She whines and cries when we put her down. If she falls right to sleep, she wakes in the middle of the night, fake crying, whining, for hours. No exaggeration there. The minimal has been 3 hours in the middle of the night. Off and on crying. I'm over that. Promise. She's always been an excellent sleeper. This momma is tired and I can't get up with my almost 3 yr old and a newborn. So I'm just praying God will have some mercy on me and knock her out. Seriously.
Ok, well here's the comparison with Claire and Dominic at 24 weeks:
Me pregnant with Claire
Thursday, November 1, 2012
November
Well, I did it. A photo a day for 31 days. Granted I did miss a day or 2 a couple times and doubled up, but for the most part I made it on to do a photo every day. Sometimes, it felt like a burden to get on here and find time to upload a photo, link it, write about it, etc. Other times, I couldn't wait until I had a few moments to myself to be able to go through my photo's or plan to take a photo that fit with the day's theme. It was nice to revisit some of those photos, and take a few fresh ones as well. A few people have mentioned to me that they were touched by the series, and they were thankful I shared. I thank THEM for following along. It makes me feel like my children mattered to more than just my family. I love talking about them, just like any mother loves talking about her children. I may not have memories upon memories of all the things they learned and did as they grew, but I do have memories. And though most of them were while they were inside of me, I felt I really knew a lot about their personalities. We got to see them moving and playing on the monitor once a week to, so we could see exactly what they were doing.
In November there is a photo a day as well, about gratitude. I'm not sure if I will keep up with it like I did for the "Capture Your Grief" series, I will probably post a few of them. I do have a lot to be thankful for. Even when I feel like I am justified in growing bitter, that I should be able to have my moments of anger and just plain "debbie downer" I really don't. All that I have endured on this earth, every heartache, every tear, every trial, every loss, they were all felt by our heavenly Father. They were all painful to Him. He didn't cause any of them, but He was there every time. To pick me up, to hold me, to comfort me, to bring me peace and grace for each moment. He had to lose a child as well. He had to knowingly "give birth" to His son, knowing full well that His son would have to endure pain and die. For that gift, I am thankful. Not only do I take it very seriously, I carry a deep pain in my heart for those who don't. Especially, for those who blame God for their children lost. It was a hard thing for me to grasp at first, but after I did, my heart hurt even more for those who refuse to follow after God, or who don't even know about how to.
So, today's "grateful-gram" is about family member(s). I am so thankful for my family. My husband who puts up with me, loves me, takes care of me, protects me, carries me when I can't take another step. For my oldest daughter who makes me laugh, who greets me with such joy in the afternoons, who clings so tightly and denies anyone else access to her heart like she gives to her mommy, the hope she's brought to me, the love she's taught me, the joy she's showed me. For my oldest son, who fought so hard for his life and the life of his siblings, who taught me courage to do what it takes, who taught me peace and grace in every moment. For my middle daughter, who taught me that sass can even be a part of you when you are still growing and developing, that joy is there and you don't have to look far, whose smile lit up my face, who taught me struggle is sometimes only a perception. For my middle son, who taught me hope and peace, who has taught me about joy even in times of pain, who taught me to smile, even up to the last possible moment, who taught me mischievousness can be an art. For my youngest, whom I pray gets to grow up with his eldest sister, who taught me that there is mercy new each and every day, who has taught me that fighting and praying are sometimes full time jobs, who has taught me how to be grateful in all things, even when it's 2am and there is a party in my belly. I can't wait for the many things my oldest daughter and youngest son will teach me yet. Through the grace of God, there will be many years for it.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Day 30
Day 29
Day 28
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
day 25
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Day 24
Monday, October 22, 2012
Day 22
day behind...
Saturday, October 20, 2012
We Support
Friday, October 19, 2012
Day 19
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Day 18
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
country...WHAT!?
Finally, something I have a picture for...
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
day 16
i have no pic for today. it was designated for "release". we've never done a release of any sort...balloon, lantern, etc. many have, and i have contemplated it, but we've always chose to do other things. (always....like this is part of our every day life for years......weird how it seems like it has been..) enough rambling.
i will say, however, today, dominic has been alive longer than 3 of his older siblings ever were. that thought made me cry today. 22 weeks. i am so thankful for feeling him moving inside of me. no matter what time of day or night it is.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Capture Your Grief - Wave of Light
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Day 13
Friday, October 12, 2012
Day 12
I don't have a picture for this one. There isn't a scent that reminds me of them or triggers thoughts of them. Not one I've smelled since that day in the hospital. I had my babies Sunday morning. I kept them with me for a while. And when I had them returned to my room after surgery and visitors, They were around 8 hours past death. I knew "THEY" weren't here anymore, but I needed more time to hold and kiss and hug their bodies. So did my husband. They didn't smell all fresh and beautiful like newborns do though. They smelled like death. Thank the Lord that isn't a smell I have smelt since, nor is it one that I ever care to smell again. No powder, no Johnson and Johnson soap fresh wash. It wasn't a strong smell, but it wasn't a newborn baby smell either. That scent will never leave my nose.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Day 11
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Day 10
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Special Place
Day 9 of the Capture Your Grief Photo Project is supposed to be a picture of a "Special Place". This could be a place that you visit that brings you peace. Maybe it is a place that you went to when you were pregnant or where your child’s place of rest is. I don't have a place like that. So, I don't have a picture for this one. I have been racking my brain for days to figure out what I could use for a picture, and to be honest, I just don't have anything. Peace to me, is found where I allow it to come into my heart. I could be out and about, at work, at home, just sitting on my patio, anywhere, and when I allow the peace that passes all understanding to flood through my heart and soul, that is where I find peace. Believe me, there are plenty of times I'm driving home from work, or the store, or anywhere, and out of no where I start crying....missing my children terribly. I have to pray for peace, and when I do, that overwhelming feeling of not being able to take another breath on this earth leaves me. I am filled with peace. It may not happen right in that second, but in a much quicker time frame than it did a year ago. I have accepted my family and the way it looks. I am not ashamed to talk about or show that my family is more than what you see here on this earth physically.
SO.....if I had a picture of my heart, I would post that. (And those of you that know me, know I would! Just refer to my facebook. I'm pretty proud of my placenta, keeping my daughter alive and healthy for 40 weeks and 5 days.....). But since I don't, most of you will consider yourselves lucky for not having to be grossed out.
I hope those that follow my blog can find this kind of peace as well. No matter where you are, or where your circumstances are going to bring you....peace is a choice you have to make. Sometimes, it's a choice you have to make every moment of every day for a while. I choose peace because I know that no amount of an unsettled heart will please the One who created me, the One who loves me enough to have made a place for me next to Him in heaven, to join my children for all of eternity. Living on earth is certainly hard. Harder than I ever imagined it would be now that I have children waiting for me in heaven, but it's not something that doesn't have to be done without peace. I thank God for that.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Day 8
Day 8. Jewellery Do you have a piece of jewellery in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren?
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Friday, October 5, 2012
Capture the Grief Day 5
