but who isn't? right? well, i have so much to catch up on, so I think this will be a lot of rambling, and maybe in the near future i will have time to reflect more in depth about a few things. only time will tell....
1st is first. My daughter is 2 years old. 2 YEARS OLD!!! how does that happen!? i swear it hasn't been 2 years! she is the best, cutest, most loving, smartest 2 year old ever! (i know all you mom's out there have claimed that as well!) It was like a switch went off the day before she turned 2 though. she started taking her diaper off and all her clothes in her crib, she started rolling her eyes (no joke. she did it twice yesterday! once for my husband and once for me!) and she started taking her hair ties out of her hair and dangerously wrapping them around her fingers. she has quite the opinion too, it's kinda hilarious, kinda like "you're 2, not 15. get a grip". i'm sad she's not a "baby" anymore, but seriously, every day is so much fun with her! i'll post pics from her party later. and her elmo cupcakes i made...seriously flawed. if you follow me on facebook, you can see the cracked out elmo....otherwise, you may have to wait a while.
2nd is second (only makes sense right?) It's my husband and my anniversary today. 4 years since we tied the knot. seems like a lot longer. maybe because this was the worst year of our lives. we have had many, many, many, MANY ups and downs this year. maybe some would have even called it quits. i was ready to run away many times. just being honest. it's hard to deal with the intense emotions of a trying pregnancy, and the miscarriage of 3 children, and the birth and death of 3 more, let alone trying to manage the emotions of a spouse, and learn a knew normal, and parent a child, and hold down a job, and try to look sane in public. i may have failed a few times at all of those things, but i know it's a learning curve we are still on. i wouldn't want to end the day standing next to anyone else through all of that though. honestly. i may want him to stop talking, leave me alone, and not bother me for hours....but i still want him to bother me. know what i mean? maybe i just failed at that "looking sane in public" thing right there, but there's no other way to describe it. he's a great father, and a great husband. he's the most loving, giving, gentle, kind, emotional man i know, yet he is my strength and my rock and my compass (on this earth people...i know who my God is, don't worry). i have learned to lean on him when i never would have in the past. i have learned it's ok to cry...nonstop....over meaningless things....constantly....just kidding (no i'm not!). and through it all, he's remained by my side. i'm sure there have been plenty of times he's wanted to throw me right out the window of a moving car, but he hasn't. thankfully. he's learned the same things as i have. it's made our marriage stronger. cause honestly, if you can make it through something like we have this past year, bring it. nothing can break us apart. (ok, don't really bring it! i've had my share of "enough". i'm good. promise)
3rdly...we are in a waiting game now. if you followed the last few blogs, i've charted my numbers. they were well over 400 by memorial day. we had an ultrasound on memorial day, and i have one nice, plump follicle. though i would feel better if there were 2, i'm happy there was at least 1. and i'm happy it only took a week. that's record time for my ovaries. good job ladies. good job. i got my shot of HCG on tuesday, had the IUI on wednesday, and now we wait. praying my uterus made a nice romantic little getaway for mr spermy and miss eggy. praying that blastocyst is forming and multiplying as we speak. i'll find out soon, though not soon enough. i won't feel better about any of it until 40 weeks hits and i deliver and bring home a nice, happy, healthy baby, BUT i will be excited that it worked if we do find out we are pregnant. meanwhile, i've been playing a little marvin gaye "let's get it on" to my uterus. just kidding (no i'm not!)
Thursday, May 31, 2012
crazy busy
Friday, May 25, 2012
Number is what you want...
don't you? well, 141 is what they told me today. all sounds and looks good with blood work. we go in for an ultrasound to look to see how many, if any, follicles are growing under these conditions. i don't want to get my hopes up because it scares me to think there could be a million follicles right now, or the opposite....none. i laid hands on my stomach this morning (and most mornings) and prayed that there is success in my ovaries, that there is no more than 3 follicles growing, and no less than 1. i am excited for monday to find out, but at the same time cautious. it's also my daughter's birthday (which i will post all about soon!) and i don't want it to ruin our day of festivities....i'm being really careful how i approach this upcoming news. whatever way it goes. i'm just excited that for the first time in a long time, it hasn't taken a month for my numbers to start rising. it's only been a week. and i'm almost "primed". this is where the holy spirit needs to take over. God's perfect timing....now if only my heart remembers that.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
99
last night, my husband and i got to go on a date. kinda. my mother came out to babysit for us (she is the only one we leave our daughter with). we decided we were going to go shopping for our ALMOST 2 year old who has a birthday in less than a week. seriously, this is breaking my heart. more than i ever thought it would. maybe it's because it reminds me of all the birthday shopping i will never get to do for the triplets, yet planned over and over in my head for 22 short weeks....maybe it's because she is growing up so fast and i never ever want to take a second for granted, because the next second may just not be there to appreciate. none the less, it's hard thinking she is having another birthday already. after shopping for her birthday we went shopping for a new ceiling fan for her bedroom. hers is a dinky "cheap" one that we had put in for an empty room when we built the house. now, she needs a serious one to cool down her room and not just wave a little air around. have you shopped for ceiling fans before? most are ridiculously ugly. the few that are not are not flush mount, which is what we want. so we walked out with nothing and will have to keep looking. then we decided to get coffee and dessert. yummy. when we got home we spent hours (yes, WAY past both our bed times!!!) playing family feud, and some logo game on our itouch...laughing...it's nice. enjoying time with my husband, while my daughter is safely sleeping in the room across the hall. i love my family. as we were playing and talking, we talked about how my blood work went that day. the lady was complaining non stop about her stomach pain, and i really didn't want to hear "oh my tummy" one more time if she had to be near me taking my blood. then, the prick mark wouldn't stop bleeding, so she told me to wear the gauze for an hour. WOW! that's the longest i've ever been told to wear it. kinda ridiculous looking, but i know my vein is super tired of getting pricked, and no other veins give blood. i promise. it's been 3 years trying. stick with what works right? so i took it off after an hour and it was still bleeding a bit. annoying. guess it's going to be a long blood draw thursday because we will have to try another site. off on that tangent to say we were talking about that and how i get to find out from dr's what my numbers were tomorrow (which is today). we were anxious to see if this new medicine would work. my husband guessed 70. i guessed 60...oh the "games" you will find to play in the monotonous, emotional days of infertility. i then said "wouldn't it be funny if they jumped to 100 already!?" haha, like that would ever happen. they started at 30 if you remember/follow my blog. so...i called this morning. the receptionist who really needs a class in phone etiquette answered and put me on hold before i could even take a breath. i waited a few minutes and then explained i was calling for my numbers. she read "the board" (those who use fertility meds probably know the board i'm talking about). 99!!!!!! my numbers were 99! ha, funny indeed! looks great on paper! that's the quickest it's jumped in a LONG time. i won't get my hopes up too high though, we still have to make sure they don't drop, which they are notorious for doing....also, we have to take a look to make sure only 2 or 3 follicles are developing at most....because we've also gone in to see a million follicles ready to release and had to quickly abandon ship. so...i'm excited the meds seem to be working to raise my levels....and hesitant to be excited that we could have 2 pink lines in less than a month.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Stroll for Strong
My family is doing the Stroll for Strong. We are so excited to be linked up with this cause. If you feel led to join our team, or donate on behalf of what our team is raising money for, please follow this link:
We are team D 6. We are raising money to help with parents who have lost their babies either before/during/ or shortly after birth. We received great support from our hospital, and they went out of their way to give us keepsakes for our triplets. We received the blankets they were wrapped in, their gowns, their hats, a footprint mold, a stuffed animal, a ring that was used in their pictures, and pictures of them in a box. It was more than I could have asked for. Though I wish I was bringing my children home from the hospital, and not those boxes, I am thankful that I have keepsakes.
I will be making t-shirts for all those who choose to walk with us. So let me know if you would like to join our team. Or again, follow this link if you would like to donate to a cause our family is so deeply invested in.
Thank you and God's peace and blessings be with you,
ALL of the D'Imperio family!
30
my levels today. cleared to start shots again. meds are being delivered sometime before 4pm. praying the beginning of summer will bring a successful cycle!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Family Day
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Mother's Day
You can check out the Mother's Day Video HERE. It was a beautiful, long, amazing, emotional weekend. Glad that it's over, and so thankful I was given the opportunity to be able to be a part of it.
I only broke down a few times, missing celebrating with ALL of my children. My husband made it beautiful though, and in my card mentioned all the children and that touched my heart deeply. Claire got me flowers and a water bottle (mine broke) with her picture on it. LOVE IT! I got extra snuggles, and just really enjoyed the day. I took the day after off of work to spend with my husband and daughter, and to recover emotionally from what the weekend meant to me. We had one of the most amazing days. I'll post about that soon. I hope....
Friday, May 11, 2012
Five on Friday
Plenty of people do "Ten on Tuesday", so why not "Five on Friday"?
- This will be my first Mother's Day where I have the experience of being a mother to children that are not here on this earth with me. I won't get a hand print craft with their tiny fingers and palm, nor will I get a collage of pics of them doing fun things. I still get to celebrate here on earth with Claire, and celebrate we will. I even took the day off the next day to spend all stinking day with her from start to finish. I may even crawl into her crib with her and nap. She is sure to get a million kisses all over her cute little face, and a million more for each of her siblings that aren't here to kiss.
had a different walk in motherhood, getting to motherhood, and surviving motherhood. I get to speak
about the triplets, and it makes my heart full of joy that I will get to speak their names to other
people. That people won't look at me and just think Claire is my only child, or ask..."so, when are
you going to try again?" or "isn't it time for another one yet?". I loath those questions. We did a
recorded run through for our other campus' last night. It was a success. I didn't become a blubbering
mess. Hurray! You can watch me online HERE Saturday at 6pm EST, Sunday at 8am, 9:30am,
11:30am, 1:30pm, 5pm, 7pm, 9pm EST and a WHOLE lotta chances during the following week.
3. Monday we are either going to the zoo, or to Strong National Museum of Play. I can't wait! Both of
them will be firsts for Claire. We were going to go to the zoo for the first time last summer, but I was
on restrictions from walking more than a few steps a day. And the museum...yes, I don't "do" germs,
so we avoided it at all costs her first year of life, and then it was summer and who plays indoors in
the summer? And THEN it was cold and flu season....so again, refer to the whole I don't "do" germs
thing...so that brings us to now. A day I know will be pretty empty at both places because it's a
Monday and school is still in session. Win!
4. Uh, WHERE the heck did this year go? We are preparing for graduations and I feel like the school
year just started. I can't believe it's May! Speaking of my May......
5. MY DAUGHTER TURNS TWO THIS MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Two weeks from
Monday my daughter will be celebrating her 2 year birthday. I remember her BIRTHday so vividly,
how could that be 2 years away? I can't believe what "life" has happened in these 2 years, and how
quickly each day is flying by. I want time to stand still with her. I don't want to miss a single
opportunity to be with her! My husband text me the other day that she went pee pee on the potty. It's
really the first time, since her actual first time was only a few drops before she got up and peed all over
the bathroom floor. I cried. Right here at my desk. I can't believe I missed it. I didn't get to celebrate
that moment with her. I called her on the phone right away and screamed with delight with her. Not
the same. I hate missing those moments. But 2 years old? Really? Wow.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
vacation
i hold back a lot of tears. probably more than i have actually cried. im really good at controlling my emotions. really good. i hate showing emotion unwillingly, and i'm afraid that soon, i may lose control. like as in this weekend. i have felt on the verge of tears for a while now, but they haven't come out. close, but not coming out.
i can talk with pride and joy about all of my children. all the time. i love them with all of me. the minute i start to talk about life now without 6 of my children, especially the 3 i was blessed to meet....i still can't fathom that this is my life. i still feel like i'm living in a dream. this is just a dream that i'm about to wake up from.
i know i am not made for this world. i am getting impatient waiting for heaven. i know i need to enjoy this time on earth. and i do. i really do. i embrace every moment i have with my daughter, my husband, my family, my friends....but i'm waiting. it's like you plan this great, wonderful, amazing, fun vacation....and you are waiting for it to come with great expectations...only you know when vacation is coming. the wait is hard. so hard.
so i think i'm going to plan a vacation. and then go on a vacation. maybe that will be kinda like heaven? i kid, i kid. (except i really am going to plan a vacation. this momma needs some relaxation!)
Saturday, May 5, 2012
and it all came tumbling down...kind of...
mother's day is quickly approaching. last mother's day...i was pregnant with 6 babies (though at the time i didn't know how many babies were in there, just MORE than 1), and had an almost 1 year old. wow does this mother's day look different. i was a little nervous about how i would feel this mother's day. thinking about what life means as a mommy to children in heaven, as well as a mommy to my most precious miracle on this earth.
i was asked to be on a panel at church for mother's day. mom's from all walks of motherhood, coming together to answer questions about how being a mommy has effected/changed us. i did an intro video this morning. they came to my house to video me talking a little about becoming a mommy, and a little about how life looks at our home as a mommy of children in heaven, as well as a child on earth. it went pretty well. i have a hard time showing emotion in front of others. my husband is the only one that it comes easy for me to do it in front of (lucky him!). i went through life as it was to becoming a mommy the first time, and then the second. i held it together well, even the one doing the interview said so. but then the emotion wall started crumbling when she asked me to talk about life now....without my babies here with me...how it's changed who we are as individuals, and as a family. i can talk about my babies, how they came to be, their faces, their little personalities, their birth, everything about them, with a smile on my face. they have always brought me joy, and i know they always will. it's when i have to talk about how life is different that breaks me. every time. who ever thinks "how can you be a mommy to children in heaven and children on earth at the same time?". no one goes into becoming a parent thinking about your children being separated from you by heaven for a time. no one i know of anyways. it's a reality now. i have to filter what comes out of my mouth to others sometimes because i just want to should out "i don't have 1 child, i have 7. 6 of which are in heaven, while 3 of those 6 i got to see face to face. i got to kiss and snuggle and sing over them!" i have to be careful how i talk to claire in public about her siblings because i don't want to seem like that "crazy" person.
we were in the grocery store the other day and a baby went by in a cart (don't worry, the babies mom was there too). claire started saying "baby baby baby!" and then she reached out her arms and said "uppy" and puckered her lips making the kissing sound because she wanted to pick up that baby, and kiss the baby. i had to tell her we couldn't have that baby, but don't worry. some day mommy and daddy will give her a baby sister or brother to snuggle like she so longs for. i don't want her to think her siblings can only be in urns. i want her to have that joy of being a big sister, because i know she will be the most fantastic big sister ever!
so...tune in to tfhny.org on saturday the 12th at 6pm, or sunday the 13th at 8, 9:30, 11:30, 1:30....and a few other evening times if you want to see how it goes down. or come out live...that's cool too :o) let's hope my emotional wall can be repaired in the next week so i'm not a blubbering mess on stage.
Friday, May 4, 2012
The Break Up
Well, "Trying to Conceive" and I....we are on a break. I am angry with *him*. *He* just doesn't get me. Communication is lacking. Intimacy is lacking. Connection is lacking. All in all, we aren't compatible. I am hoping we can work things out and this break isn't forever. I hope *he* can try to understand me better and work with me instead of against me. Only time will tell.
I had a dr appointment this week. My dr and I sat down to brainstorm. Any and all things that came to mind got put on paper, and then we went through them rationally, and morally, to decide on what we really could do vs. what were acts of desperation. The list included the following (side note, I know more who read this will have NO idea all the terms, but that's ok. Just pretend you do. Or ask)
- Use different gonadotropin (Follistim - like gonal f, Bravelle - u Fsh, Repronex - like Menopur
- Unstimulated IVF with IVM (invitro maturation. I'm not entirely sure what this is even, and it's not practiced anywhere but Korea and Canada. My dr said she's interested in it though, and "hey, what's a few trips to canada?"......uh, my ovaries and I prefer the states thanks.)
- Priming my HPO with cyclic E2/P4 (Estradiol tablet 2mg x 7days, 4mg x 7days, 6mg x 7days, 6mg + 200mg Prometrium x 10 days)
- More responsive to CC and consider high dose stim because of #3
- IVF--->freeze embryos--->thaw and transfer 1 - 2 embryos
- LS with ovarian drilling
- Femara
- Check other labs, like therombophelia (sp) panel
- OC/Lupron precycle, HCG trigger
- GnRH antagonist
