Tomorrow will be, by far, the most challenging day at work I've ever had. I have had no less than 10 anxiety attacks since yesterday afternoon. Yesterday, at about 2pm, I received a phone call from a prospective father. He was asking if we were accepting infants into our program. This is how the conversation went:
Father: Hi, I was wondering if your center accepts infants.
Me: Yes, we have children from 6 weeks to 5 years old.
Father: Is there an opening now?
Me: Let me grab my book and find out. When is your child's birth date?
Father: May 10th. But we won't need childcare for another 3 weeks.
Me: Yes, we do have an opening.
Father: How about 3?
Me: (choking on my saliva), 3?
Father: Yes, they are triplets.
Me: (still choking), yes. We actually do have 3 spots.
Father: Can I come Wednesday to look at the center? How much is it?
Me: blah blah blah blah, yes, blah blah blah blah
Father: Ok, my wife will be bringing the triplets.
Me: speechless...........
Father: Ok, see you Wednesday at 10
Me: Alright, see you then.
Insert anxiety attack.
Triplets. Never, ever, in my life have I encountered triplets since I gave birth to mine. And NEVER, ever in the 13 years I've worked here have we ever had a family with triplets need care.
Insert anxiety attack.
How am I going to do this? How am I going to form words? How am I going to look at those 3 precious miracles and not be envious of why they got to survive and my children didn't?
Insert anxiety attack.
Wednesday. Like as in tomorrow.
Insert anxiety attack.
Why didn't he start the conversation out with he was looking for care for triplets?! Why couldn't I have just made something up and said we didn't have room!?
Insert anxiety attack.
When these triplets start in 3 weeks, I will have to look at them every day. Dominic is in the same class as these triplets. I will have to see all the milestones my triplets missed. I will have to look at everyone "oooo" and "ahhhh" about how there are triplets here.
Insert anxiety attack.
I am not built for this kind of stress. I can feel my body, my mind, shut down. This past almost 2 yrs has been the hardest of my life. There isn't a day I don't think about my children in heaven, or talk to them, or blow them kisses, or wish they were here. And now, I will be reminded even in the moments that my mind gets a break from the grief.
Insert anxiety attack.
Maybe this is the Lord testing me. My trust in Him. My words of strength that I profess. Maybe this is the Lord showing me that I am stronger than I've felt in a long time.
I don't want to be tested. I don't want to be stronger. I don't want these children in my center. I don't want to give this tour, and right now, I don't even want to who I am. I wish I didn't have the story that I have. I wish I could pick up and move and start again. I wish I could forget that I'm the mother of children in heaven. I wish my triplets were here. I wish a lot of things. Things that aren't and can't ever be.
Insert anxiety attack here.
We sang a song in VBS this morning that brought tears to my eyes. I had to leave. "Soon and very soon we are going to see the King. Soon and very soon we are going to see the King. no more crying there. we are going to see the King. no more crying there we are going to see the King. Hallelujah, Hallelujah, we are going to see the King. no more dying there. we are going to see the King. no more dying there. we are going to see the King. no more dying there. we are going to see the King. Hallelujah, Hallelujah, going to see the King."
Oh how I wish singing that song would make Jesus come right now. I can't wait for no more crying. I can't wait for no more dying. And I really can't wait to hold my children again and cover their faces in kisses.
If you think of it, pray for me tomorrow around 10am. I would rather not break down and embarrass myself on this tour. Though, maybe they would decide not to come here because of the "crazy lady".
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
:Insert Anxiety Attack Here:
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Vacation
It's been nearly 3 yrs since we have gone on a vacation. We went to our usual place at Siesta Key, FL, but my daughter was so difficult then, we tapped out. We spent most of our time at my mother-in-laws instead. Then I got pregnant with triplets, travel was OUT of the question. Then we lost the triplets and I couldn't bear to go anywhere without them. Now we stand, nearly 2 yrs after our loss, and really, really needing a vacation. Anthony and I were fighting every day. Our families were driving us crazy with their unnecessary opinions on how we were raising out children (that could be a blog in and of itself!), my daughter was very emotional and needing more individualized attention, and mommy and daddy needed to not worry about the everyday stresses of life. We scheduled our trip before Dominic was even born, and boy was the timing absolutely perfect. Packing was chaotic, and the vacation was not like they once were when they were "childless", but the look on my daughters face every morning going to the beach, the fun memories created, and the beautiful traditions we want to uphold, all worth the sleepless nights and days that we endured.
I procrastinated in packing which made it a bit more stressful, but I work better under pressure, so there's that plus. The morning we were leaving I text my friend "Is it weird that I want to pack my children's urns with me?!" Only a very few people could I say that to and not seem creepy or weird. She is one of them. I wish they could have experienced the Gulf with us as a family, but they are one better now, chillin' with the One who made that ocean. That thought was the most comforting on the entire trip every time I was feeling guilty for enjoying the moments with my family that is here on this earth. Weird place to be. Awkward. Living life here without some of my children. Missing them, but enjoying the ones I am blessed with here.
Anyways, the trip down was smooth, unless you count the fact that we missed our boarding call and were the LAST ones to get on the plane, and there were no 2 seats together. Finally, finding 2 seats together, it was me, my almost 3 yr old at the time, and my infant son. My husband was behind me after someone finally decided to take pity on us, and my mother sat 5 rows up. That was fun. Can't wait to do that again. No one lost it on the plane, tantrum or digestive wise. Dominic had an explosive diaper, all over me and him. Que naked baby on the plane. Claire pooped (thankfully we had put her in a diaper just in case), and so Anthony had to change her standing up. In and airplane bathroom. Bumping both their heads on any and everything. Camera's should follow us. They really should. I'd tune in to watch! It's comical now. Then, I think I developed an ulcer right there on that 2 1/2 hr flight.
We had a whirlwind stay at my mother-in-laws and celebrated Claire's birthday in a BIG way. My mother-in-law was beaming ear to ear. She doesn't get to spend many birthdays with the kids being so far away. The first night both kids screamed bloody murder and wouldn't go to bed. At around 10pm they were finally both passed out, and so was mom and dad. For like an hour. That first night was ROUGH. Then we left for our condo on Siesta Key Beach. That night was just as rough. Dominic was up every hour one night. Every 20 minutes the next. NO lie. I saw 3am, 3:20am, 3:40am, and so on. But we mustered up the energy to play at the beach and pool every day. Claire saw the white sandy beach for the first time (Siesta Key beach is the #2 beach in America, known for it's white, powder like sand), and she shouted "SNOW!" Yup, we are from NY folks. Anything white and covering the ground is assumed snow. She loved to get buried in the sand, and play in the tide pools, and just run all over the beach. I don't think she stopped giggling for 3 days! It was so wonderful seeing her so happy, and getting to celebrate who she is and the miracle that is her. We got mani's and Pedi's one day. She absolutely loved that.
Our trip home was better in that we all got to sit together on the plane ride home, and no one puked or pooped. Hooray! We got home close to 10pm and everyone was whooped! Anthony, Claire, and Dominic literally slept ALL day Sunday. They are both pretty much back to their routines as well, which really helps in the "mommy needs her sleep" department.
There are more pictures than the average person would care to view on here, so you can check them out on my facebook if you like, just look for me @ heathermarie if you aren't on there already. I'll leave you with a few of my favs though:
