Day 31

Capture Your Grief

Day 31

Sunset

Day 30

Capture Your Grief

Day 30

Your Grief - tell the world

(what should they know about your journey)

 

Your journey is never over until the day you are reunited with your child(ren).  There's no "getting over it", "moving on", "complete healing". There is peace and comfort in the name of Jesus, ther eis hope and healing, but you are changed forever. They are all still my children. I don't have 1 child. I have 8. Four of which made it to this earth, 3 of them even if only for a brief time.

Day 29

Capture Your Grief

Day 29

Music (that reminds you of your children)

 

https://www.youtube.com/embed/zsMiEvPZaLM?rel=0

 

I love this song, and listen to is almost every night.

 

 

Day 28

Capture Your Grief

Day 28

Memory (most significant positive or negative)

 

Well, blogger won't upload my pics right now. So, I'll write it all out again.

 

I have so many memories...driving to the funeral home to pick up my children while most others drive to school or friends houses or families to pick up theirs....or even come home from the hospital with their children instead of leaving them behind to be prepped by the morgue and picked up by a funeral director, watching Anthony Jr and Malia take their only breaths on this earth, feeling them kick as my body was evicting them...every memory of them is significant.

A day late...day 27

Capture Your Grief 

Day 27

Artwork

Button Ball Ornaments I made

Age

Capture Your Grief

Day 26

Age (when they died)

 

 Born on August 28, 2011.

day 25

Capture Your Grief

Day 25

Baby Shower/Blessing

No picture for this one. My shower was being planned for sometime in September/October. We didn't make it that far. 

Day 24

Capture Your Grief

Day 24

Siblings

She is my miracle. She is my joy. She keeps me hoping, loving, praying, believing. She is a funny, beautiful, loving young girl who is in love with her Jesus more than I could have ever imagined her to be.

 

 

Day 23

Capture Your Grief

Day 23

Name(s) and Picture of Child(ren)

 

 

 

 

Day 22

Capture Your Grief 

Day 22

Place of Care/Place of Birth

Strong Beginnings at Strong Memorial Hospital, Rochester, NY

day behind...

Capture Your Grief

Day 21

Special Place

 

This shelf built into the wall by my husband between the bedrroms upstairs. I stop there many times a day and just stare. I kiss their urns as many times as I have a chance to.

 

 

We Support

Capture Your Grief

Day 20

Charity/Organization

We did the Stroll for Strong this year, and plan on doing it every year. We also donate whenever we can because we believe in all they do and want them to be able to keep supporting families in all ways possible. They are a wonderful hospital, with wonderful people. We are definitely blessed with all they were able to do for us. 

Day 19

Capture Your Grief

Day 19

Projects

 

Every year we will pack up gifts for the hospital to give to the babies born on the triplet's birthday.

 

I have done a LOT of other projects in the past almost 14 months, but I don't have any pics of them right now. I've made decorations for the house, scrapbooked all their pictures and birth and death certificates, made the shelf in the wall where their stuff from the hospital and their urns sit (with the help of my handy husband, of course!), I've made blankets and hats for the hospital for micro preemies, and preemies, and babies born too soon, etc. I've kinda thrown myself into being "busy" so that it takes up most of the space in my mind. Otherwise, and idle mind is the devil's playground and the lies and hurt he tries to fling at me all throughout the day would have too much time to take route.



Day 18

Capture Your Grief

Day 18

Family Portrait

My family wasn't able to be together today for more than a few minutes today. I went to work this morning, and my husband went to work as soon as I got home for the night and won't be home until morning. So I have to piece a few photos together....here's our family photo(s):

All of us together

 All my children

Dominic

country...WHAT!?

 

 

I thought I would share this video. I am NOT a fan of country music. Not even a little bit. I do like this song however. And like is quite a bit of an understatement. I heard it and it melted my heart. For all my children. All 8 of them.

 

 

 

Finally, something I have a picture for...

Capture Your Grief

Day 17

Anniversary/Due Dates/Birthdays

 

This is a picture of the triplet's memorial stone on their first birthday. The details of that day are previously recorded on this blog. Feel free to look it up and read about it. It was a wonderful day, minus them actually being here to celebrate.

 

 

 

There are many dates that make me think of "what would they be like on this date?".  December 17th was the day I would have been 37 weeks and we would have had our scheduled c-section. Our dr didn't want us going further than 37 weeks, though honestly, it is rare to even go that long with triplets. July 19th was the day my water broke with Baby A, whom we later found out was Nathan. July 21st was the day it was confirmed that my water did indeed break after testing negative for amniotic fluid on the 20th. January 2nd was their actual due date had we been a normal 40 week pregnancy.

 

 

I think about them every day though. I know I've said it in the past, that when I go to the store with just Claire, I wonder what it would be like with Nathan, Anthony Jr, and Malia in tow too. Once in a while, I even think about what it would have been like had all 6 of original sextuplets survived. How much fun would that be!? I know it would have been crazy and hard, but I like challenges. And when someone tells me I can't do something (after the initial reaction of wanting to punch them in the face) I want to prove them wrong more than anything. I know. NOT a great trait to have. I'm a work in progress, what can I say. I pray for tolerance, I just don't always accept it. :o)

 



 

day 16

i have no pic for today. it was designated for "release". we've never done a release of any sort...balloon, lantern, etc. many have, and i have contemplated it, but we've always chose to do other things. (always....like this is part of our every day life for years......weird how it seems like it has been..) enough rambling.

i will say, however, today, dominic has been alive longer than 3 of his older siblings ever were. that thought made me cry today. 22 weeks. i am so thankful for feeling him moving inside of me. no matter what time of day or night it is.

Capture Your Grief - Wave of Light

Capture Your Grief 

Day 15

Wave of Light

These are from last year. Unfortunately, I won't be home tonight at 7 to be able to light a candle for my children and all the other babies who were taken from this earth too soon. My daughter has her first swim lesson and when we get home it will be just after 7, time for a hurried bath, snack and rocking to bed. It doesn't mean that I won't be thinking of everyone else around the world who will be participating in this event. Tonight it will be windy and rainy. Just like last year. I wanted to light the candles out by their memorial stone, but instead had to do it inside. This year I was hoping for the same, but hey, living in Western New York, in October....I'll most likely never get to do it outside like I envisioned. 

Day 14

Capture Your Grief 

Day 14

Community

Stroll for Strong June 2012

Day 13

Capture Your Grief 

Day 13

Signs

i just didn't want to miss a post, but really, i don't believe in signs. i don't believe my babies have ever "sent me signs", or anything along those lines. so i again, have no picture for this post. i wish i could say "such-and-such happens all the time and it reminds me of my children", but i can't. and i'd be lying to you and myself if i did. everything all day every day reminds me of my triplets and how they aren't here today. i think about how they should be here with me and my husband and daughter. when i'm at the pumpkin farm, i think i should be chasing my 2 1/2 yr old as well as three 15 month olds. when i go grocery shopping with claire, i think how i would have the cart with the 2 seats and car in front to have all the kids with me. every day. all day.

Day 12

Capture Your Grief

 Day 12

Scents

I don't have a picture for this one. There isn't a scent that reminds me of them or triggers thoughts of them. Not one I've smelled since that day in the hospital. I had my babies Sunday morning. I kept them with me for a while. And when I had them returned to my room after surgery and visitors, They were around 8 hours past death. I knew "THEY" weren't here anymore, but I needed more time to hold and kiss and hug their bodies. So did my husband. They didn't smell all fresh and beautiful like newborns do though. They smelled like death. Thank the Lord that isn't a smell I have smelt since, nor is it one that I ever care to smell again. No powder, no Johnson and Johnson soap fresh wash. It wasn't a strong smell, but it wasn't a newborn baby smell either. That scent will never leave my nose.

Day 11

Capture the Grief

Day 11

Supportive Family/Friends

 

The most important people in my life who daily lift me up and freely talk about my children with me. *Don't be offended if you are not in this photo. I either don't have a photo of you or it's one you are glad I didn't post. We love and thank all of you who have been here for our family.*

 

 

Day 10

Capture Your Grief

Day 10

Symbols

 

My daughters face. Proof that life must go on. The beauty, the purity, the innocence. I get lost staring at my daughter's face. And those bears. They bring me back to the day I returned from the hospital. Such a special gift.

 



Special Place

Day 9 of the Capture Your Grief Photo Project is supposed to be a picture of a "Special Place". This could be a place that you visit that brings you peace. Maybe it is a place that you went to when you were pregnant or where your child’s place of rest is. I don't have a place like that. So, I don't have a picture for this one. I have been racking my brain for days to figure out what I could use for a picture, and to be honest, I just don't have anything. Peace to me, is found where I allow it to come into my heart. I could be out and about, at work, at home, just sitting on my patio, anywhere, and when I allow the peace that passes all understanding to flood through my heart and soul, that is where I find peace. Believe me, there are plenty of times I'm driving home from work, or the store, or anywhere, and out of no where I start crying....missing my children terribly. I have to pray for peace, and when I do, that overwhelming feeling of not being able to take another breath on this earth leaves me. I am filled with peace. It may not happen right in that second, but in a much quicker time frame than it did a year ago. I have accepted my family and the way it looks. I am not ashamed to talk about or show that my family is more than what you see here on this earth physically.

SO.....if I had a picture of my heart, I would post that. (And those of you that know me, know I would! Just refer to my facebook. I'm pretty proud of my placenta, keeping my daughter alive and healthy for 40 weeks and 5 days.....). But since I don't, most of you will consider yourselves lucky for not having to be grossed out.

I hope those that follow my blog can find this kind of peace as well. No matter where you are, or where your circumstances are going to bring you....peace is a choice you have to make. Sometimes, it's a choice you have to make every moment of every day for a while. I choose peace because I know that no amount of an unsettled heart will please the One who created me, the One who loves me enough to have made a place for me next to Him in heaven, to join my children for all of eternity. Living on earth is certainly hard. Harder than I ever imagined it would be now that I have children waiting for me in heaven, but it's not something that doesn't have to be done without peace. I thank God for that.

Day 8

Capture the Grief

Day 8. Jewellery Do you have a piece of jewellery in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren?

 

My ring given to me by my mother with all my children's names and birthstones. My birthstone is in the middle. Can't wait to add to it in February!

 

 

 



"What to Say"

Capture the Grief 

Day 7

"What to Say"

Day 6

Capture the Grief 

Day 6

What Not to Say

Capture the Grief Day 5

CarlyMarie's Photo a Day Project for day 5 is a memorial. This stone was made by my husband and I and is placed in our front yard under our flagpole.

 

 

Day 4 (oops forgot!)

Day 4 of the CarlyMarie Photo a Day Project for Capture the Grief is a picture of something that is one of your most treasured items. This is my necklace. It has ashes from all of the triplets inside and carries their birthstone on the bottom. I never leave home without it.

Penis or Vagina?

On Thursday September 20th my husband, my daughter and I got to see the new baby through ultrasound, and find out the gender. I was so anxious leading up to this appointment. I couldn't wait to find out what we were having and to just start feeling like we were that much closer to being able to bring this baby home. The tech didn't waste time and in less than 2 minutes after that gross warm gel was smeared on my belly she said "It's a BOY!" Clear as day, my well-endowed little man was showing off his junk. All my girls have been modest, hard to tell, took a while to find out...all my boys (with the exception of Nathan because of there being no fluid) were waving it around, or showing it with pride. Such men :o)

Without wasting any time everything else looked great. Claire kept insisting she was having a sister (which up until that point she insisted she was having a brother. typical. Just wants opposite of what mommy says). We went to the car relieved and ready to count down a few more weeks until we were more safe with this pregnancy. 

My husband got in the car, turned the key, and said "what do you think of doing his room in a car theme, like real cars and parts hanging from the wall?" He was beaming from ear to ear. He could feel it, taste it, embrace that he was having a son. One that he could bring home and raise and do "father/son" things with. Who am I to burst his bubble with my pessimism and uncertainty that instead of decorating a bedroom, we'd be making another shelf for an urn and this baby's belongings? Terrible, I know. It's just where I'm at. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited, I'm planning, I'm buying things....BUT, I am keeping all the receipts. I don't trust my body, and I really don't trust the whole pregnancy and delivery safely thing. out of 4 children, only 1 can I kiss and rock and hold on this earth.

We decided on the name Dominic Anthony. His name means "belonging to the Lord", and "highly praiseworthy". And that he does and is.

Can't wait to meet this little man. To feel his breath on my cheek and to kiss his warm pink toes and lips.

Day 3

Post Loss Self Portrait

Day 3 of the Capture the Grief project comes from CarlyMarie's blog. You can find out more about it from HERE.

Self Portrait

Day 2, Pre-Loss Self Portrait

Carly Marie is doing a 31 day photo project. See my last blog for details for follow the link to read about it.

Sunrise

CarlyMarie's Capture the Grief is doing a 31 day link up blog for grieving mothers with different pictures.

I thought I would try to join in here on my blog, as well on my instagram and my facebook. Let's see if I can keep up with that.

 

 

Sunrise

I do realize I never wrote about the gender of my baby. It's been a few weeks, and I apologize. I'll work on a blog about that day tomorrow.

Also, a close friend of mine is a professional photographer and recently did a photo shoot and interview for her photography blog. She has been doing different motherhood blogs and wanted to do one on a grieving mother. I was honored when she asked me. She just recently posted that as well. You can follow this link to find it.