and so on and so forth

a debbie downer post, i realize. this is my journal, and just wanted to get this all out. you can always skip over this and wait for an upbeat post...


it's hard to breath tonight. i started searching for ornaments and stockings for the triplets for this Christmas, and it's been downhill ever since. i can't get past the fact that each moment i live in each day, it's without 3 of my children that should be here with me. i should be waking up in the night, i should be exhausted from the demanding schedule of 3 infants and a toddler. i shouldn't have time to do all this baking and crafting. one minute i try to just forget about it all, but there is no forgetting. there is no "getting over this". i have to function for my husband, for my daughter, but today, not much of me wants to do anything but lay in a ball in my bed. today is hard. 9 weeks ago ...will i always count the weeks? the days? the months? i was laying in the hospital bed feeling anthony and malia kicking and twirling. not a care in the world. they had no idea what was going to happen in less than 10 hours. they had no idea. i tried to tell them, while i was laying in that bed. i tried to apologize, and tell them i wish there was another way, i wish this didn't have to be. i know they heard me, i hope they understood me. God was with us. He was in our room. we could sense His Presence. i was praying for a miracle, a way out. each time they kicked, each time they rolled around inside of me, i cried. they were alive. they were safe. they were supposed to be here in time for Christmas. we were supposed to be a quiet family at home for Christmas. just anthony, claire, me, nathan, malia and anthony jr. now we have to "pretend" through this holiday season. i knew it was going to be hard, but i prayed it would be doable. after today, such a small task, so far away from the actual holidays...i am not so sure. i don't want to be around anyone but my husband and daughter. honestly, i don't even know if i will be able to hold myself together. thank God my husband is home this year for those holidays.

claire and i went shopping this morning, grabbed McDonald's for lunch, she napped, i looked for ornaments and cried. we had a lot of cuddling after nap, a lot of puzzles, and reading, and tickling, and laughing. a lot of "normal". she ate dinner while i did laundry and dishes. she took a bath, went to bed, and i baked cookies while crying. that's the new "normal". i cry a lot. i just have to do it when i don't have to be "mom", or "employee", or even sometimes "wife". most days are ok, i can get by, i can feel sad, but thankful that i had the time with them that i did. then there are days that i don't know how i am going to get from moment to moment, i gasp for air, and can't stop crying. i get angry about how we am supposed to be living this life with 4 beautiful children along side us, but we're not. and it's hard. it's more than hard. the Christmas season is supposed to be full of joy and love and peace, and i'm just not sure how to push out the sadness so that i can fill up with those things right now.

Family day...

We went to Stokoe Farms Saturday morning. We made sure to be there right at 10am when they opened because we knew we would need to leave at lunch time to get Claire home for her nap. We hit everything we could in that time, and Claire loved it all. We started out on the big slide. Daddy took her down that so I could take lots of pictures. We went to see the animals, and watch the hen show. She was totally enamored by those hens and their singing. It was adorable! We then went over to the "fun barn" and Claire played in the corn pit. She absolutely loved it. She was smiling ear to ear (pun intended). We then took the hayride to pick out pumpkins and stopped at the tricycle racing course. Daddy pedaled on the family bike while Claire and I just enjoyed the ride. She happily ate her snack and drank her water while daddy weaved all over the course. In the pumpkin patch she tried to pick up all the pumpkins, even the ones as big as she was. After falling many times in the mud, we decided it would be better to pick out the nice clean pumpkins at the entrance to the farm. We stopped at the corn maze, and she thought it was such a blast. She would run up and down the trails, I would hide and jump out of the corn at her. I have never heard her giggle so much in my life! It made my day to know she enjoyed her time there so much, and the memories we made as a family are just indescribable. Back on our hayride we went to pick out Claire's pumpkin. After a few more pics in the pumpkin bins, losing a boot, and lots more smiles Claire picked out her pumpkin and pumpkins for the triplets. It was closing in on lunch time, so we checked out and went to the truck to eat lunch. She was so exhausted, her eyes kept crossing she was trying so hard to stay awake. It was one of the most amazing days I have had in a really long time. Now to choose what pics to post...sooo hard! They are all so cute...

Why...

Why? Trusting God When You Don't Understand
by Anne Graham Lotz


This is what I am currently reading. I haven't had time to read in a very long time, and I really used to enjoy it. A friend offered to lend me this book after reading one of my blogs. I took her up on that offer. Sunday morning, 8 weeks after I delivered my triplets, I sat down and started to read this book. While I argued a little in my head over some of the statements in the book, like how could they possibly group me in the category they would be talking about...how could losing 3 children be grouped with financial troubles, losing a house, being terribly ill, divorce, etc? I will stand before ANYONE and argue that losing a child, 3 children, suddenly, tragically, is the most horrific thing in the world. I struggled chapter after chapter trying to find a common thread, a meaningful sentence, something to grasp a hold of to help me better understand "why" this had to happen when we prayed the exact opposite for 22 weeks.

"Could it be God has given you a platform of suffering from which you can be a witness of His power and grace to those who are watching? Because...
if we always feel good,
and look good,
and lead a good life...
if our kids always behave,
and our boss is always pleased,
and our home is always orderly,
and our friends are always available,
and our bank account is always sufficient,
and our car always starts,
and our body always feels good...
if we are patient,
and kind,
and thoughtful,
and happy,
and loving,
others shrug--because they're capable of being that way, too,
when everything goes right.

On the other hand...
if we have a splitting headache,
the kids are screaming,
the phone is ringing,
the boss is yelling, and
the supper is burning,
yet we are still patient,
kind,
thoughtful,
happy,
and loving...
the world sits up and takes notice. The world knows that kind of behavior is not natural. It's supernatural. And the glory of Jesus is revealed in us!"

I found it.

Even though I would give anything to have my children here again with me. Even though I carnally can't ever make the decision to allow my children to die so that someone else may have a chance at eternal life.

I found a reason that I can continue in the hope of eternity, and being with my children again. God doesn't have to give me a reason. He doesn't answer to me. If He never wanted to reveal His plan to me as to "why" this all had to happen the way it did. He does. Because He loves me.

Now, I don't believe God "took" my babies from me to prove a point to this world, or to me, or to my family. I do believe that terrible things happen, and sometimes, God chooses to step in and intervene, and sometimes, He chooses to let them happen. He sees the bigger picture. I can't see it. I don't have the capabilities to see it. Not now, possibly not until I get to heaven and see my children and my Creator. I trust though, even when I don't know why. And just like Anne says in her book, I trust because God knows why, and has far greater miracles than I can ever imagine.

"A dream of heaven"

I was giving my daughter a bath tonight. We read scriptures over her or read her a story from her bible every night while she is taking a bath. She was particularly ornery tonight. She didn't sleep too well last night, nor did she take an excellent nap today, and I was pushing it because it was already past her bedtime. We were out late visiting a friend. If you can call 7pm late. On a Friday night. So, back to my point. Did I state my point yet? Her bible. The story we were reading tonight. "A dream of heaven". John sees into the future, from Revelation 1, 5, 21, 22. I had to read quickly and quite exaggeratedly to keep her attention. An exert from this story reads as follows:

"I see a throne. And on the throne is a king. And the King is Jesus.
All around the throne people are bowing down. They are giving him their treasures.

There are loud cheers and clapping, clapping and bright laughter like a thousand waterfalls and everyone bursts out singing a new song...

'This is our King! The Lamb who died, so we don't have to - our Rescuer. All Honor and Glory! Forever and ever.'

And every creature everywhere, in heaven and on earth and under the earth and in the sea, joins in.

And then,
From all around
A wide
Immense
Beautiful
S I L E N C E

And I see Satan - God's horrible enemy - thrown down, defeated.

I see a sparkling city shimmering in the sky:
glittering, glowing - coming down!
From heaven.
And from the sky.
Heaven is coming down to earth!

God's city is beautiful. Walls of topaz, jasper, sapphire. Wide streets paved with gold. Gleaming pearl gates that are never locked shut.

Where is the sun? Where is the moon?
They aren't needed anymore. God is all the Light people need. No more darkness!
No more night!

And the King says, 'Look! God and his children are together again. No more running away. Or hiding. No more crying or being lonely or afraid. No more being sick or dying. Because all those things are gone. Yes, they're gone forever. Everything sad has come untrue. And see - I have wiped away every tear from every eye!'

And then a deep, beautiful voice that sounded like thunder in the sky says, 'Look, I am making everything new!' "


I cried. I looked at my daughter, "Claire, your sister and brothers, they are there. They see these things. They hear these things. Malia, Nathan and Anthony Jr are cheering and clapping and singing. They get to never be afraid or sick or lonely. They are made new." She looked at me like she knew what I was explaining to her...or maybe with concern because I was crying during her bath time. I don't care. I want to tell her about her siblings and where they are. Every day. I want to picture them in this place described in the bible. In heaven. With the King. With the Lamb of God. With each other. Waiting. I can't wait to see them again. I can't wait to hold them in my arms again when I get to this glorious place. I trust. I have faith. Even when I don't want to. I wait. And Claire WILL know about this trust, this faith. This place her siblings are, and how there's only one way to get there. I think she will chose the narrow path though. Because she smiles when I tell her about Jesus, when I tell her about how Malia, Anthony Jr, and Nathan are with Him. And how we will get to be someday too.

Every night I stop in front of their shelf. I touch their footprints, I pray "God, please let my babies come to me in my dreams!" They haven't yet. Maybe for reasons God only knows, maybe because they are busy cheering and clapping and singing a new song. I can't wait to be there someday too!

picture picture

pictures are long overdue on my blog. it's mostly just been ideas and thoughts. so here are a few pictures from our last few weeks/months. wow...it's been almost 2 months, yet seems like just yesterday...

Nathan Richard

Malia Elizabeth

Anthony Jr

my baby got to come visit me at the hospital the day the babies were born

my beauty and her best friend

our day at springdale...she was sooo nervous to touch them. it was so funny!

i have tons more photos...but i'll digress for now.

where i decide i'm never going to work again, or not...

i skipped work on monday. i decided i was never going back as of sunday evening. i then proceeded to change my mind every 2.6 seconds. let me start at the beginning. i had an ok first week back to work. a few sad/awkward/emotional moments, but not too bad. friday afternoon about 3:15 someone came into the office to visit a friend of mine. he said hey, shook my hand, and asked "you just had a baby didn't you?" i was so caught off guard. i didn't know what to say, how to respond, do i ignore the question, he obviously knows i heard him. do i lie? i can't lie, it would be so awful to deny my children, that they existed. i wanted to crawl in a hole. i wanted to die. i know only seconds passed, but it felt like a terribly long awkward silence. he had to be thinking "really, that was a complicated question???" yes, yes it was, and you don't even know the half of it. quickly, and saving me from any more pain and awkward silence, my friend was holding claire and said "yup, this one!" and handed claire to me. i took claire and fled the office, as quickly as i could. i am fighting back tears, i can't break down in the middle of everyone at work. i darted to claire's classroom, quickly dropped her in there to eat her snack, and literally ran to the bathroom. i locked myself in a stall, started sobbing and text my husband. he was angry, i know more to protect me than anything else. i know this guy had absolutely NO idea what my family just went through. he had no ill intentions whatsoever. it was a very innocent question. i didn't want to explain to him, nor did i want my friend to. i didn't want to make him feel bad. i finally pulled myself together, walked down to my office to grab my purse, and left to go pick up claire. i couldn't stay at work a minute longer. i wanted to be home. with my family. in the safety of my 4 walls. where what is said is predictable and sacred. no surprises. i picked up claire, and on my way out a class was walking to the gym. this class just happens to be the one where there is a little boy who keeps asking where my babies are, why they aren't in my belly anymore, and matter of factly stating that there were 3. he spotted my daughter and me. the following conversation ensued:

"miss heather, is that your baby?"
"yes _____, this is claire, remember?"
"where is your other 3 babies?"
"I don't have them anymore sweety"
"why aren't they in your belly? where did they go?"

i just walked away. quickly. i don't know what to say to him. well, i DO know what to say to him, but you see, he is a very sensitive boy. his mother is currently pregnant. due right after i was. i don't want to make this boy scared that anything could happen to his baby brother. i also don't want to hurt mom. so i fled. again. i drove home crying. i opened my car door to my husband. we went in the house and i sobbed some more. why? why do people have to catch me off guard? why can't i feel like i can freely talk about my children? why am i always worried that i am going to "hurt" someone else's feelings. offend someone else. so instead, i decided i never wanted to go out in public again. i locked myself in my house and my husband assured me that the offer still stood, if i didn't want to ever go back to work i didn't have to. i said ok. a few minutes later i changed my mind, and went back and forth all weekend. sunday night i talked myself out of going in on monday. the anxiety was too much. i stayed home and snuggle my daughter more than she could care, i took care of my sick husband. i looked at the scrapbook full of pictures of my triplets with claire a few times. she points to them, kisses them, "talks" through the book. i think the first time i hear her say "nathan", or "malia", or "anthony"....i will feel an emotion i pray no one ever has to feel. i will cry. i will hold her tighter. her siblings she will never play with. it's not fair. so i was never going back to work. monday came. i felt a little "stronger". i decided i would try tuesday and see how it went. i decided to talk to the mom of this boy to get permission to say something, anything to answer his questions. today went well. nothing unpredictable happened. i know one day, questions about my triplets won't send me into a tailspin of emotion. my heart isn't there yet. i still miss them with every cell in my body. i still long to get one last kiss, one last squeeze, one last picture. i still long for them to still be here, safe, inside of me. but that's not the case. never will be the case. until then, i just have to protect my heart, and lean on God a little more to protect it when i can't.

firsts...

this week was my first week back to work. i was really anxious. not so much for the reason of me not thinking i could do my job, it being too hard, to much....like everyone seemed to believe.

i was anxious because normally when you return from your 6 week maternity leave, you have a baby, or babies to show for it. i did not. i left work very pregnant, barely able to walk down the hallway without having to stop and catch my breath, not being able to bend over to pick up something from the floor if i dropped it, or getting a soda from the fridge....and i returned like nothing had even happened. THAT is what i was so anxious about. it was like my babies never even existed.

i have photos that i want to show off, but i'm afraid i'll offend someone. it hurts that i'm afraid of that. they are still my children. i still want to show them off. they were beautiful.

leaving claire all over again has been hard. she is the most amazing child. she waves to the babies shelf whenever she walks by it. she kisses my necklace without prompting. she runs up to my legs and hugs them as hard as she can while burying her face, she grabs my face and slobbers all over my face...i LOVE her, and every new things she does each day. i hate that i miss even a second of it. i know i need to work though, for me. i need to get out of the house, i need to use my mind and feel like i'm contributing to something else sometimes.

a child at school this week announced as i walked into the classroom that i didn't have my babies with me anymore. it was like i was punched in the stomach. i didn't know what to say. i didn't know how appropriate it would be for me to start in on an explanation of heaven to this child. i didn't feel right ignoring this statement, pretending that my babies never existed. what do you say to a 4 year old? i didn't know. i just stated quickly that my baby claire was at home with her daddy and changed the subject, while fighting back tears. i immediately had to talk to my husband. i knew telling him about it, he would help me feel better. he has been my strength here with me when i couldn't find any.

it's been a week full of firsts for me. i never want to relive a week like this again. every day got a little easier though, and God showed His faithfulness to me through every step. i couldn't have done it without Him. every time i didn't want to get out of bed, He was my motivation. every time i wanted to turn my car around and go home, He was my direction. every time i wanted to scream out in anger, He was my peace. and every time i didn't think i could get through another day, tomorrow came.

Forever and a Day...

I was afraid Your love set me free
I was in debt You paid the price for me
I was hurt you took away my pain
I was alone until You called my name
I was broken and You mended me
Before I was You loved me
You healed my body and You made me whole
No matter what I do You don’t let go

I will sing to the King, I am the ransomed one
How I love Your holy name, holy to the Lamb who was slain
When I laugh and when I cry, You are the reason why
How I long to be with You, forever and a day

When I go to bed, You are near
When I wake up, You are there
When I say Your name, You are here
When I walk in faith, You’re everywhere
You catch and save every tear I cry
You journal everyday all about my life
Your love for me reaches to the sky

I am Yours, You are mine

Forever and a Day
By: Anthony Skinner Bethel Music Publishing

This song was playing in my car on the way to the fertility clinic on the day we found out the meds finally worked and we could finally schedule the IUI. The line that stuck out the most was where they sang "You healed my body and you made me whole". Music has always spoken to me, or rather, God has always spoken to my heart through music. It touches me like nothing else does. I have always felt "broken". Especially this attempt at getting pregnant because it just wasn't working. I always feel like it's my fault, and I have always prayed for God to heal my body so that we don't have such struggles every time we want to get pregnant. I knew going into the dr that it would be good news, God gave me renewed strength that day that even if my body isn't healed the way I picture it, He has a greater plan and a greater purpose for the way we have to get pregnant. I know one day, when I get to heaven, I will receive my new body, and it will be healed, and whole.

After we had the triplets, I searched and searched for this song. I couldn't remember the words, I couldn't remember which CD it was on. I just knew God spoke to me through it at the very beginning of our journey this pregnancy, and I was hoping it would comfort me now that the journey with my triplets is over. I finally heard it yesterday, it JUMPED out at me while I was in my car. Driving. Alone. Again. Just like that first time. I couldn't believe how God delivered it exactly like it was the day we knew we would be parents again. This time though, different lines were jumping out at me. He takes away my pain when I'm hurt. Not even just daily, but minute by minute lately. Breathing is getting easier. Walking is getting easier. Living is getting easier.
"No matter what I do You don't let go". No matter if I can worship, if I can sing of His faithfulness, if I scream out in anger at Him....He's not going to let me go. Even when I try to hide, He knows right where I am. The promise of when I go to bed, He is there. When I wake up, He is there. "How I long to be with you, forever and a day"....I can't wait to spend eternity in Heaven, to see my children again, to be healed and whole, to live without pain and hurt. Tragedy can't touch me anymore. "You catch and save every tear I cry. You journal everyday all about my life"...that's exactly what I needed to hear. I love how He speaks to me through song. It brings me to tears almost every time, some are tears of joy, some are not. But to know that He cares enough to speak to my heart the way I know how to listen, and to do it even when I don't do my share in our relationship lately, that's a love I am so thankful for.

Hodge Podge

My husband and I were talking the other night while we were laying in bed. I brought up how there are a few things I wish I could have changed about the day that we lost our triplets. He kept reiterating that I shouldn't have any regrets, and maybe it's true, but I still do. I wish looking back on it, that I waited a few more hours to see if my infection would have gone away, and we could have saved the babies. More than likely, no. Nathan had already passed and needed to be delivered. I also regret not taking more pictures, like of their cute toes up close, their sweet tiny hands, lots of different features of theirs that are etched in my mind that I don't ever want to forget. Of course, having them here with me would be my first choice, since that is not available, I cherish the pictures I do have.

Claire has started doing some cute things when she wakes up, and throughout the day. She sees the shelf in the morning, whenever she is upstairs playing, and while going to bed. She always points to the shelf, so I lift her up. She kisses the urns. I tell her all about each of them, and she smiles, like she understands. She also takes my necklace that I wear (it has a little of all three of their ashes in it, and is sealed with their birthstone), and brings it to her lips and kisses it. We tell her what the necklace is. She is OBSESSED with wearing "pretties". Anthony and I bought her one of her own, a heart with 3 gold circles attached. We told her when she wears it she can think of her siblings, each ring representing one of her siblings. She loves it and always gets so excited when we put it on her when she gets dressed. I wish she could play with them everyday, kiss them, and not the necklace. I wish I could give her that back. The other day we were visiting my husband's family at his brother's house. Claire was pushing around a doll stroller, and it had a few dolls in it. She was so protective of it, and so gentle. I teared up just watching her play like that. She would have been the best big sister to the trips. She would have covered them in kisses, and not let anyone near them. She is such a mother hen, even now to her dolls and her mommy and daddy. She melts my heart over again, every single day. What a blessing she is to us, now more than ever. We always looked at her as our miracle. It's hard not to when you go through what we do in order to have a family. Now though, we are blown away at God letting us raise her, keep her, love her here on earth. What a privilege, NOT to be taken for granted. What more reason to teach her about the God who created her, the God who saved her, the God who can give her eternal life. I'm overwhelmed thinking about it all. Whomever chooses not to look at parenting their children with grateful, thankful hearts is missing out on a whole different perspective that takes your breath away.

I return to work in less than a week. I'm very nervous and anxious about it. I have never felt like this, then again, I've also never lost 3 children in the matter of minutes. I have gone in a few times to see the children and the staff, to get the awkwardness out of the way. I have yet to see parents yet though, and that awkwardness is what makes me nervous. I HATE crying in front of people. I make it my job to hold it together while out in public. Sometimes, I fail. Most of the time though, I am successful. I don't want to fail while at work. I am also nervous about my ability to concentrate. My mind is mush. I went in to take a CPR test to keep my certification, and there were only 7 questions. 7! It took me a long time to complete, I had to reread the questions over and over again. I broke down in tears because I just couldn't concentrate. That brings anxiety to me, to think that I may not be the best at what I do when I return. It will take time, I know this. But that's what I'm afraid of. How much time? And when I can concentrate better again, does that mean I won't think of my children as much? Ugh. My brain hurts just thinking of all the "new" things coming in the next week. God won't leave my side though. I know this. That is the one constant thing I can always count on these days.

I have my 6 week check-up this week. I'm excited to get some answers that I have questions to. It's going to mean a lot of closure, as well as taking away the anxiety of the unknown for our future and our family. Never wanted to see the dr more.