Hodge Podge

My husband and I were talking the other night while we were laying in bed. I brought up how there are a few things I wish I could have changed about the day that we lost our triplets. He kept reiterating that I shouldn't have any regrets, and maybe it's true, but I still do. I wish looking back on it, that I waited a few more hours to see if my infection would have gone away, and we could have saved the babies. More than likely, no. Nathan had already passed and needed to be delivered. I also regret not taking more pictures, like of their cute toes up close, their sweet tiny hands, lots of different features of theirs that are etched in my mind that I don't ever want to forget. Of course, having them here with me would be my first choice, since that is not available, I cherish the pictures I do have.

Claire has started doing some cute things when she wakes up, and throughout the day. She sees the shelf in the morning, whenever she is upstairs playing, and while going to bed. She always points to the shelf, so I lift her up. She kisses the urns. I tell her all about each of them, and she smiles, like she understands. She also takes my necklace that I wear (it has a little of all three of their ashes in it, and is sealed with their birthstone), and brings it to her lips and kisses it. We tell her what the necklace is. She is OBSESSED with wearing "pretties". Anthony and I bought her one of her own, a heart with 3 gold circles attached. We told her when she wears it she can think of her siblings, each ring representing one of her siblings. She loves it and always gets so excited when we put it on her when she gets dressed. I wish she could play with them everyday, kiss them, and not the necklace. I wish I could give her that back. The other day we were visiting my husband's family at his brother's house. Claire was pushing around a doll stroller, and it had a few dolls in it. She was so protective of it, and so gentle. I teared up just watching her play like that. She would have been the best big sister to the trips. She would have covered them in kisses, and not let anyone near them. She is such a mother hen, even now to her dolls and her mommy and daddy. She melts my heart over again, every single day. What a blessing she is to us, now more than ever. We always looked at her as our miracle. It's hard not to when you go through what we do in order to have a family. Now though, we are blown away at God letting us raise her, keep her, love her here on earth. What a privilege, NOT to be taken for granted. What more reason to teach her about the God who created her, the God who saved her, the God who can give her eternal life. I'm overwhelmed thinking about it all. Whomever chooses not to look at parenting their children with grateful, thankful hearts is missing out on a whole different perspective that takes your breath away.

I return to work in less than a week. I'm very nervous and anxious about it. I have never felt like this, then again, I've also never lost 3 children in the matter of minutes. I have gone in a few times to see the children and the staff, to get the awkwardness out of the way. I have yet to see parents yet though, and that awkwardness is what makes me nervous. I HATE crying in front of people. I make it my job to hold it together while out in public. Sometimes, I fail. Most of the time though, I am successful. I don't want to fail while at work. I am also nervous about my ability to concentrate. My mind is mush. I went in to take a CPR test to keep my certification, and there were only 7 questions. 7! It took me a long time to complete, I had to reread the questions over and over again. I broke down in tears because I just couldn't concentrate. That brings anxiety to me, to think that I may not be the best at what I do when I return. It will take time, I know this. But that's what I'm afraid of. How much time? And when I can concentrate better again, does that mean I won't think of my children as much? Ugh. My brain hurts just thinking of all the "new" things coming in the next week. God won't leave my side though. I know this. That is the one constant thing I can always count on these days.

I have my 6 week check-up this week. I'm excited to get some answers that I have questions to. It's going to mean a lot of closure, as well as taking away the anxiety of the unknown for our future and our family. Never wanted to see the dr more.