Crying

If God collects all of our tears, He better have buckets for me...because they just don't stop. Every day, something makes me upset. Sometimes, I can recover and find the strength to smile, to remember with pride, remember with peace. And sometimes, sometimes I just can't. No matter what. I think of how unfair it is that I am here and my triplets can't be here with me. I think all the prayers I prayed for the safety and health of their arrival, and what to do with all that now. I think of how I should still be pregnant, and how I was robbed of that joy. I just can't bring myself to smile on those days. I just can't bring myself to remember anything good about that day. But I know there was. I know that in their birth, I met and held the most beautiful children. Their smiles on their faces, their short quick breaths, their perfect skin. I know that in their birth God brought amazing people into my life, to lift us up in prayer, to guide us on this journey, to show us that in their short lives, they will teach us eternal lessons. In their death I have learned many things as well. Like how short and unpredictable our lives really are. You can not take anything for granted. I learned lessons that I pray no one ever has to learn, but I know people are learning them every day. Your children are not yours. They don't belong to you. They are gifts from God. From day one, we released our children back to God. Claire, Nathan, Malia, and Anthony Jr. We let God know that we understood they aren't ours, we were just vessels to create their beautiful souls for God's work on this earth. God can do whatever He chooses with His children, and He chose the triplets to join Him in heaven. In that, we grieve. It's hard to let them go, it's hard to not know when I will see them again. I know though, that in all this hurt, in all this pain, and in all these tears, God will be glorified. He will work it all together for His good. That is His promise. And He is a promise keeper. I have to trust in that. He promises to never leave or forsake His children, and in that promise I know that even on the days when I can't stop crying, He is right by my side, gathering my tears, holding the broken pieces of my heart together.