Loss

it's hard to read my last post. we had so much hope for Malia and Anthony and Nathan. We thought of the possibility of coming home with only 2, but never in our wildest dreams did we imagine that we wouldn't come home with any of our babies. Saturday, August 27th, around 12:30pm I went to shower after putting Claire down for her nap with my husband. He was about to leave to run some errands, and as I looked down I saw an umbilical cord. I screamed. I ran to the stairs to call for Anthony, hoping he hadn't left yet, and he came running and immediately called 911. They were here within a few minutes, and quickly took me to Strong. My regular Ob was on call, what a relief it was to see her. I knew it was bad news, but I never thought of how bad until about a 1/2 hr later. Baby A was no longer alive. The pressure on the cord had cut off the blood flow. Hideous noises came out of me and my husband as we cried, screamed, and I kept repeating "oh God, please no!". I had a really high fever, the cord could not be put back through my cervix. The bacteria had a roadway to walk right up into my uterus. With Baby A deceased, he/she had no immune system to fight the bacteria off, so it would just keep growing, therefore, infecting Malia and Anthony Jr. Time was ticking. We could wait and see how bad the infection would get, but with it attacking Baby A, who had no immune system, it wasn't going anywhere. The longer we waited the riskier it got for me. The dr. came in explaining that it would most likely turn septic, and then would be a high risk of me dying as well as all 3 babies. My blood pressure was pretty low, and my fever was coming and going, each time getting a little higher. The only way to rid my body of the infection is to give birth to Baby A. Giving birth to Baby A would mean more than likely giving birth to Malia and Anthony as well. At just under 22 weeks pregnant, the dr said there wasn't a chance for Malia and Anthony to make it. There was too much that hadn't had time to develop yet. We took a little while to talk it over and we prayed and the decision was clear to us. We didn't have much time to wait, we needed to get this infection out of my body, and hope my cervix would just close up after giving birth to Baby A. Anthony ran home to get our stuff, take a shower, and see Claire before we started to induction and the longest day of our lives. He returned around 7pm and the dr. inserted the Cervital. My contractions were inconsistent and not very strong, we tried to get some sleep, but that was not happening. I took some pain medicine orally, and it worked enough for me to sleep about an hour. After that, they put a pain killer into my IV to see if that would ease any of the contractions, but it didn't work. I didn't want to get an epidural. I wanted to feel as much as I could without being so overwhelmed with the pain. Hours and hours went by. It was dawn, and the contractions were about every 30 seconds and pretty intense. I tried to wait a while longer. Around 7:15 Sunday August 28th, the nurse came in to give me a different drug through my IV, but before she did, the dr. checked and said I was ready to push. This was really real. I was really about to give birth to my first triplet, Baby A, who was already dead. After screaming out and crying, I reluctantly pushed. Baby A came right out. "It's a boy" the dr said. I cried even harder. Nathan Richard was born, my baby boy, my dream, came at 7:26am. Weighing in at 11 oz, measuring only 9.5 in long. They put him on the end of my bed, and not more than seconds later, Malia's, Baby B's, sac burst. I knew my cervix wouldn't close and I had to deliver her. Only took a few pushes and Malia was born at 7:32am. Weighing in at 14.25 oz, and measuring only 10 in long. Then I could feel Anthony Jr coming. I thought, "oh no, we are going to lose all 3 babies!". After many pushes, and excruciating pain, Anthony Jr's, Baby C's sac wouldn't rupture. I was ready to pass out, the pain was shooting down my legs, and I couldn't catch my breath. Finally, my dr. decided to rupture the sac and it was so tense it burst with such force. A few more pushes and Anthony Jr was born at 7:46am. Weighing in at 1 lb 2 oz, and measuring at 10.5 in. Both Malia and Anthony Jr were born alive. They brought them to me and Anthony Sr and I held them so close. We sobbed. Malia and Anthony Jr. took a few random "breaths". Their hearts still beating, but very weak. We held them and cried for what seemed like only minutes, but was actually over an hour. The nurse came in to weigh the babies, dress them, wrap them up, and at that time, they were pronounced dead. It was like an out of body experience. I couldn't focus. I couldn't let them go. I couldn't believe this was all happening to us. We didn't understand. We knew they were healed and whole. New, working, beautiful bodies. We knew we would be able to be with them again someday, but that didn't ease my heart at that moment. It does now, but at that moment, I couldn't stop sobbing. The staff was incredible. They were so kind, gentle, loving. They cried with us. They respected us. Things were getting serious again though because my placenta's wouldn't detach, and after many, many tried, the cords came apart from the placenta's, still inside of me. The infection, therefore, was still inside of me. They tried everything to do from the room so I didn't have to leave the babies. I had been given 12mg of morphine, apparently, that is over a single dose, and as high as they could go. They tried to remove the placenta's. It was too painful. They said they didn't have any other option but surgery. They took me right away. Anthony Sr went as far as they let him. They put me under and removed the placenta's. Apparently, the infection made them harden and they struggled even surgically to remove them. I lost a lot of blood. I woke and was so nauseous and dizzy. After a short time I was brought to my room and back with my husband and the triplets. I couldn't put them down. I couldn't bring myself to let them go. We said what we thought were our final goodbyes, and Anthony Sr went home to pick up my daughter Claire. I hadn't seen her in over 24 hrs. It's the longest I have ever gone without seeing her. It was terrible feeling. When he returned my daughter brought tears to my eyes. She hugged and kissed me, played around the room and just brought hope, life, joy, to our lives for those moments. Everything changed for us that day. Priorities, dreams, our future. Nothing would ever be the same again. Not sure how to manage that, how to cope with that...even still, but learning. That night I felt like our babies were not sent to the funeral home yet like we were under the assumption. So I called the nurse to see if they were still at the hospital, and if they were if I could have them back. They brought them back and it felt so good. We held them and whispered to them. We kissed and hugged them. We took lots of pictures, and placed them in their layette for the night. Anthony Sr and I were exhausted. We slept a few hours that night, through many doses of antibiotics, many stat takings, blood draws, etc. Finally, it was morning and we wanted to make sure our babies were going to the funeral home when we left so we wouldn't be leaving them behind at the hospital. I was released after more tests showed my infection was down. My blood count was way down too, so I was put on iron and told I could go home. We left around 11:30 Monday morning. No babies. Just us. It was the hardest drive home ever. I never imagined I would come home empty handed. No longer pregnant. My dreams changed. My future altered. My life....totally turned upside down. We have hope. We know that God has a purpose and a plan for this. We accept that. It's hard, don't get me wrong. I get angry at the drop of a hat, but deep down I know....God knows. They are healthy, happy, beautiful. We dedicated them to the Lord the day we found out we were pregnant. We agreed they weren't ours, they were gifts given by God. That helps to know as well. They were never ours. They have always belonged to Jesus. Life now...forever changed...never going to look the way we thought. Each and every moment we cherish. We are so blessed to have the family we do have. My heart still aches, my arms still ache to hold them again, my lips still ache to kiss their cheeks and lips again. I know life will move forward, different, but forward.