Life as I knew it has once again changed. Not for the worse, not for the better, but a change none the less. My son is allergic to soy and dairy. Reacts to all juices we've tried, and has been on and since taken off reflux meds. He can't poop. He will try, and try, and try, turn beat red, push, grunt, struggle, pass gass. Have a bowel movement, he does not. Not without the help of a suppository, or the probing of a qtip or thermometer. Even then, he usually only moves either a foamy green mess, or less than a tablespoon of dry, thick, sludge. For the most part, he's a happy boy. He is all smiles, even in his discomfort. We've moved from formula to formula to formula. He's now on neocate. It's predigested. It's amino acids are broken down into single amino acids, no strands for his body to break down. Yet still, constipated. I've stopped the meds that supposidely constipate him, and he's still constipated. I've tried prune juice, and pear juice, and he's screamed for hours after ingesting them. Today, I'm venturing to apple juice, though trying another juice scares me. Dominic is so sensitive, he can be clear skinned one moment, and we walk outside, or to the car, or at daycare, and the next second he is covered in a rash from the top of his head to the bottom of his torso. His skin is cracked and bleeding. He keeps his hands in such tight fists, I noticed the other day that the creases where his fingers meet his palm are cracked, bleeding, and the skin is peeling away. My son is a hot mess, and no appointments to the dr have brought any resolve. Our GI appointment is so far away I want to scream! I know things could be worse, way worse, but my son, at 10 1/2 weeks of age has known nothing but discomfort and I absolutely hate it.
With that said, I sometimes find myself angry again with God. Why does my son have to suffer to prove a point to me!? (Now, I know God is not proving a point and making my son suffer to do this, but I'm stating my feelings. Don't think I"m all "losing my faith" and nonsense). I sometimes feel like God didn't allow me to raise my triplets because He thought I wouldn't be able to handle it. That I would fail, or put them in harms way, or suck big time. I sometimes would feel like God thinks I didn't do a good enough job with Claire, so He wouldn't give me another child. Then, when we got pregnant with Dominic and had complication after complication, I thought that God was saying watch yourself, because at anytime I can take him right out from under you! We prayed and prayed and prayed, for health, safety, etc. You name it, we prayed it over Dominic. Now that he's here, and struggling with different "health" issues, I feel like God is saying, "I'm giving you another chance. Are you truly grateful for any child, or just the ones that are easy?" I feel like I can't possibly complain about how hard it is to have a son who is constantly reacting to something in the environment, or his food, or not having a bowel movement, up most of the night struggling to poop and losing sleep, therefore, causing me to get little to no sleep most nights. I don't want to complain. I am very conscious that at the blink of an eye this could all change, and I would be begging to have those sleepless nights again, or begging to have such "minor" issues. So I don't complain. I look into my son's eyes and I see his siblings. All of them. He falls asleep with his mouth open and I have to turn away because it's like looking into Anthony Jr's face all over again. Reminding me what death looks like. I hurt because my son hurts. I want his pain and discomfort to stop. I want to know that this is a phase and nothing is seriously wrong. I want answers, but I don't want to seem like I'm complaining. I'm tired. I'm broken. I want answers. I want to be taken seriously. I want to be with my children and not at work. I would camp out at the dr's if it meant I would be able to give my son relief now. I hate that this just may be his lot for a while. I will never resent having these issues. I will never wish Dominic was different. I would never wish this time away. I just don't want him in pain or discomfort anymore. And I would really like to stop feeling like my every thought and action is being put to the test. It's draining.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
I feel like I'm being tested
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Siblings
I'm so glad my daughter has a sibling on this earth she can love on. She is so enamored with her brother it brings me to tears every time. She is always asking to hold him. She kisses and hugs him constantly. This morning I left Dominic home with daddy and Claire came to school with me. She gave him a kiss and a hug (multiple times, it's always "one more! just one more! no, five more!") Then she said, "love you dom-nic, have good day!" and marched out the door. She still kisses my necklace every chance she gets, and talks about Nathan, Malia and Anthony being with Jesus and going to see them some day. It breaks my heart that she can't give them the love and affection she gives to her brother. she is the best big sister. The other day, I was making dinner. Dominic was sitting in his little seat on the counter in the kitchen with me. He started to fuss, and Claire ran to get his nuk for him. Then she ran back to the living room and brought him his blanket. She tucked it around him and said "here you go. don't fuss. it's ok." Seriously. This kid isn't even 3 yet. She has the biggest heart I've ever seen in a kid. She's always been a sensitive little spirit, and I am so very thankful for her heart and the person God is shaping her into being. Dominic is just as enamored by Claire as she is by him. He lights up when she walks into the room. He is all smiles for her all the time. If she's around he is focused on her, watching her run, twirl, dance, sing. He is so in love with her. I've told him about his siblings in heaven, and can't wait to tell him more. I have not showed him the picture album just yet. I don't think I can without shaking and crying. I've been missing the triplets terribly lately, and going over how Dominic will never know them on this earth just breaks my heart even more. Someday. Hopefully soon. Here are some pictures of them loving eachother:
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Back to the Grind
I went back to work this week. Overall, it was a successful week. Broken down, I was a hot mess. Monday I must have cried at least 10 times. Wait til you hear the silly part! THEY ARE 500yds from me, 5 stairs up in the center that I am Program Director at! I know....I have it much better than most, but it's still not home with the ability to snuggle them ALL DAY LONG! Tuesday went fantastic. Both kids did great in their respective daycare classes. I got lots of work done, in fact pretty much caught up on my 7 weeks of being away. Wednesday was rough. I was up all night with Dominic and he was refusing to eat more than 1/2oz at a time every few hours. I took him to the dr, and by the afternoon he was doing really well. Thursday they were only in daycare 1/2 a day and daddy picked them up and they finished out the week at home. Friday I got a frantic phone call that Dominic wouldn't eat anything (he was up again all night, and didn't eat more than 3 oz in the 12 hr night), and he had projectile vomited 3 times. I was a puddle of tears. How was I supposed to be away from my baby for so long when something was wrong. I finally got home and he was all smiles. I fed him an ounce and he projectile vomited all over. I tried again a little while later and he did it again, twice. My son had not eaten more than 10 ounces in 26 hours. I was so worried. My husband convinced me to wait to go to the dr until the morning, and I reluctantly agreed. He slept until 2am, hadn't eaten a thing since his 7pm drinking/vomiting sesh. He guzzled 4 ounces, pooped, and laid in my arms smiling. We prayed, and by 3:30 he was sleeping again. He didn't wake until 6am where he guzzled another 4 ounces, and another 2 after that, and then laid in bed with me all smiles. How do I take this smiling, seemingly healthy baby to the dr today!? Is this just him? Every once in a while he'll boycott eating? (Believe me, he's not lacking on the gaining weight department!) I am at a loss. Did he have a stomach bug? Was his acid reflux just so bad he couldn't hold anything down? Is there something more serious and hidden going on inside his tiny little body (I use tiny loosely here!)? It's so hard to work knowing my son is at home, or my daughter is at home wanting mommy. Someday, I'll be able to stay home with them.
It's Saturday now though. Daddy and Claire are grocery shopping. Mommy and Dominic are trying to work out if we're going to the dr this morning, or will wait it out. I've collected poopy diapers just in case though. I'm not fooling around if I do go, I want answers. Even if the answer is "he's fine". WHY oh WHY didn't I go to school to become a dr? Oh yeah, cause while my son was vomiting all over me last night, I was gagging.
