I feel like I'm being tested

Life as I knew it has once again changed. Not for the worse, not for the better, but a change none the less. My son is allergic to soy and dairy. Reacts to all juices we've tried, and has been on and since taken off reflux meds. He can't poop. He will try, and try, and try, turn beat red, push, grunt, struggle, pass gass. Have a bowel movement, he does not. Not without the help of a suppository, or the probing of a qtip or thermometer. Even then, he usually only moves either a foamy green mess, or less than a tablespoon of dry, thick, sludge. For the most part, he's a happy boy. He is all smiles, even in his discomfort. We've moved from formula to formula to formula. He's now on neocate. It's predigested. It's amino acids are broken down into single amino acids, no strands for his body to break down. Yet still, constipated. I've stopped the meds that supposidely constipate him, and he's still constipated. I've tried prune juice, and pear juice, and he's screamed for hours after ingesting them. Today, I'm venturing to apple juice, though trying another juice scares me. Dominic is so sensitive, he can be clear skinned one moment, and we walk outside, or to the car, or at daycare, and the next second he is covered in a rash from the top of his head to the bottom of his torso. His skin is cracked and bleeding. He keeps his hands in such tight fists, I noticed the other day that the creases where his fingers meet his palm are cracked, bleeding, and the skin is peeling away. My son is a hot mess, and no appointments to the dr have brought any resolve. Our GI appointment is so far away I want to scream! I know things could be worse, way worse, but my son, at 10 1/2 weeks of age has known nothing but discomfort and I absolutely hate it.

With that said, I sometimes find myself angry again with God. Why does my son have to suffer to prove a point to me!? (Now, I know God is not proving a point and making my son suffer to do this, but I'm stating my feelings. Don't think I"m all "losing my faith" and nonsense). I sometimes feel like God didn't allow me to raise my triplets because He thought I wouldn't be able to handle it. That I would fail, or put them in harms way, or suck big time. I sometimes would feel like God thinks I didn't do a good enough job with Claire, so He wouldn't give me another child. Then, when we got pregnant with Dominic and had complication after complication, I thought that God was saying watch yourself, because at anytime I can take him right out from under you! We prayed and prayed and prayed, for health, safety, etc. You name it, we prayed it over Dominic. Now that he's here, and struggling with different "health" issues, I feel like God is saying, "I'm giving you another chance. Are you truly grateful for any child, or just the ones that are easy?" I feel like I can't possibly complain about how hard it is to have a son who is constantly reacting to something in the environment, or his food, or not having a bowel movement, up most of the night struggling to poop and losing sleep, therefore, causing me to get little to no sleep most nights. I don't want to complain. I am very conscious that at the blink of an eye this could all change, and I would be begging to have those sleepless nights again, or begging to have such "minor" issues. So I don't complain. I look into my son's eyes and I see his siblings. All of them. He falls asleep with his mouth open and I have to turn away because it's like looking into Anthony Jr's face all over again. Reminding me what death looks like. I hurt because my son hurts. I want his pain and discomfort to stop. I want to know that this is a phase and nothing is seriously wrong. I want answers, but I don't want to seem like I'm complaining. I'm tired. I'm broken. I want answers. I want to be taken seriously. I want to be with my children and not at work. I would camp out at the dr's if it meant I would be able to give my son relief now. I hate that this just may be his lot for a while. I will never resent having these issues. I will never wish Dominic was different. I would never wish this time away. I just don't want him in pain or discomfort anymore. And I would really like to stop feeling like my every thought and action is being put to the test. It's draining.