One Year

My son is a year old. Saturday, at 11:39pm, he officially turned One. I was beside myself leading up to his birthday. He is likely my last baby. As of this moment, my husband is off the "let's have more" bandwagon, and so that makes me off as well. We won't pursue fertility anymore, so it is the whole "miracle of getting pregnant on my own" thing that would have to add to our family. I'm still holding out hope. how amazing would that be?! Oh, it makes my heart do flips just thinking about it! Anyways.....back to my son. My baby boy. The most joyful, happy, almost always smiling and laughing, beautiful baby boy. The healing he's brought to my heart is indescribable. The way he holds my face and pulls it in. The way he wraps his chubby little arms around me and hugs me tighter than a baby should be able to hug. The way he stares into my eyes as we rock at night. I love this boy. More than I knew my heart could love.

So, the anticipation that he was turning ONE, that he was going to no longer be my "infant" son, and start his journey into toddler hood, that was overwhelming to me. I wanted to freeze time. I wanted to pretend that he would be my baby forever. Each milestone is bittersweet. I'm so excited and happy for him when he learns something new. His face lights up, he gets excited too. I'm also so saddened that he has to get bigger, that he is reaching milestones I never thought I would get to see again, and that his brother's and sister never did get to meet. I panicked almost every day of his pregnancy that it would end in death. Even after he was born, it was like I waited. Waited for SOMETHING to go wrong. Something to take him away from me. (I still do this, with Claire as well!). I pray against these feelings daily. Sometimes, multiple times a day. Some days, I'm even distracted enough that I don't think about these things. For those days, I'm so grateful.

Saturday was his birthday. One whole year with him. One whole year of life. I planned his party around his bedroom theme. We did the same with Claire for her 1st birthday as well. The decorations were all hand made. The cupcakes were homemade. The food was simple and easy to put out. I got to enjoy the party. I got to celebrate with friends and family. I got to see my son enjoy his party. It was a beautiful day. I took a lot of pictures, and so did my sister-in-law. I will post a few on here. For the rest, you will have to go to my facebook page.

So, here marks the start of the toddler journey with my son. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm saddened. Life after loss, children after loss, it's so different. My heart is so tender. My emotions are so raw. My feelings are so sensitive. I pray that I don't change that. I pray that I can always look at my children, and no matter how little sleep, how loud they scream, how many pointless tantrums they throw, and how many messes they make, that I can pause, look them in the face, and see the miracles that they are. The joy that they bring. The little pieces of heaven on this earth that God has allowed me to be a mama to.

I can't believe my baby is One.


Sigh.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Stream of Consciousness

Apparently 2 months can fly by. There's so much to journal about, I can't just pick one topic. Life is busy. Too busy. And every time I make a firm "things must slow down" stance, it's like life laughs in my face and adds a few more things to my pile. Let's just back up a bit. To the last journal entry. My mother's moved in. She's recently sold her house, and needed to have a place where she could live, without worries, without the responsibilities of being a home owner. She's not "old", but she's not a spring chicken anymore either. Her health isn't top notch, and let's be real, it's the way things were made to be. Eventually, you take care of your parents. OBVIOUSLY, 6 yrs into my marriage wasn't the time I ever thought this would happen, but if we are being real, and we are, nothing in this life has gone the way I thought was best. I was created selfish. I only think of me and my family most of the time. Not the whole picture. Not what God has planned for me, at least not if it doesn't always align with my plan. Man, has God been growing me these past few months. So solution, mom moves in. Bedroom was already down there because we built it in 2011 when we planned on her moving in because the triplets were going to be born. The living room/playroom was added in the fall of 2011 because we needed to busy ourselves with a project, and we thought a playroom would be fun. So now, my husband just finished the kitchenette. I'm jealous of it. It's gorgeous. Starting this week he will be framing out the bathroom and then finishing up that and putting in the flooring. It's going to take some time as he's also going to class Monday and Wednesday nights for a class for his job, and Claire has gymnastics, we both work full time, and we juggle a schedule to keep Dominic out of daycare right now as he's been sick more than healthy in his short year of life. If I never see an ED pediatric room again, it will be too soon. And as for 5 visits a month for the pediatrician, we are trying to keep that to a minimum too. I'm happy to report that he hasn't needed his nebulizer in almost 2 months. PRAISE GOD! Now let's bring on summer! This winter is kicking my butt. In other news, that pediatric ED? Yeah. That was an awful week of our lives. Dominic started with the stomach bug, and getting severely dehydrated and losing 4 lbs in just 24 hours. It was scary. First visit, they sent us home. He didn't "look" the part enough I guess. Just 17 hrs later we were back. And his number were "really really bad"...at least that is what the dr kept telling me. His wreck of a mom, alone in the ED with my poor sick child. Dad and sister were at home puking, and I got to drink ginger ale like it was going out of style while them pumped my son full of fluids for 4 hours. He wouldn't expand on "really, really bad". I could only imagine after he was having diarrhea at least 15 times an hour for almost 48 hours. I didn't have enough energy to ask either. We hadn't slept or ate in 40 hrs. It was what I imagine hell to be like. The room was hot too. Sickeningly hot.  This very sick boy took a week and a day to recover, and recover he did. He's standing by himself, he's taking 4-5 steps by himself, and he eats like food may disappear any minute and NEVER APPEAR AGAIN! Seriously. Anthony and I joke that we will need a second job just to feed him. He's hungry. Perpetually hungry. And he turns a year on Saturday. A YEAR!!!! My baby is not going to be a baby anymore! I can't handle it. I think I've cried a hundred times this week. I've snuggled him longer before putting him down to sleep, I've stared at him more than ever, studying every little bit of his chubby toes, his squishy cheeks, his toothy grin, his beautifully handsome face, his deep blue eyes (that just may stay steel blue!)....my baby boy. I'm one sad momma. I'm so happy that he's healthy, and able to celebrate his birthday here on earth, but so so sad that my baby is not much of a baby anymore. I've been pulling late, late nights finishing the decor for his birthday. So excited to see it all come together, and to celebrate with our closest friends and family this weekend. He brings us such joy. This boy. This miracle that grew out of grief and love and hope. This boy who helped my heart heal a bit more. This boy who God is going to do mighty, mighty things through. He's going to be a year old in 4 days. I don't even know where this year went.....oh yeah. We spent the majority of it in the dr's office or at the hospital. ;o)

Here's a few pics to recap the last few months: