28:22:7

This week, on the 28th, my daughter turned 22 months, and my sons, and youngest daughter would have turned 7 months.   The 28th of each month is another "milestone" in our lives. I figured I would post 22 things about my beautiful daughter, and 7 each for my beautiful children in heaven.

Claire:
1) You said "I love you" for the first time, I screamed and giggled and kissed your face all over.
2) You heard your daddy hiccup and tried to copy him, and now every time someone hiccups, you make this funny noise and giggle.
3) You decided sleeping is for the birds. You aren't falling asleep until about 9pm at night, waking around 7:30, and WHEN you nap, it's not often, and usually late. That's a far cry from asleep by 8, up around 8:30, and napping hard from 12:30 - 3.
4) Your 2 year molars have arrived.
5) You started doing the motions to "Itsy Bitsy Spider", and asking for the song over and over.
6) You CONSTANTLY discipline your dog "Chief no, yuck" even if he's laying in his bed sleeping.
7) You now ask to wear your necklace that mommy and daddy bought you for remembering your sister and brothers.
8) You dance and dance and dance, in the car seat, on the couch, while you're eating. You hear music, you stop what you are doing and start dancing.
9) In the car, when we are listening to worship music, if a song ends you start saying excitedly, "more, more, more".
10) You are obsessed with Elmo and ask to watch him multiple times a day. Thank GOD for DVR.
11) You are loving daycare, and often throw a tantrum when mommy or daddy try to take you home.
12) You think it's funny to be naughty, and while I currently don't have any grey hairs, I am sure they aren't far away.
13) You love to play outside, and the couple of weeks we had 80 degree days, you were in your glory. You ask to go outside every day.
14) You refuse to let mommy help you do stairs anymore. You are TERRIBLE at them, but you think you are a pro. This scares me to no end. I usually grab your wrist and you writhe to get away from me.
15) You won't drink milk for me or daddy, but you will drink it at daycare. Go figure.
16) You say "help" every time you want help to do something.
17) Your favorite food is ketchup. It's gross. I have to limit your ketchup for your food because you will eat it by the spoonfuls!
18) Rice and beans is another favorite, and you will literally hold the bowl to your face and shovel it in. I have pictures to prove it.
19) Your vocab is exploding, but when there is anyone around other than mommy and daddy, you become mute. You are incredibly shy. SOOOO much like your mommy was.
20) Somewhere along the way, you switched from calling all dogs "doggies" to calling every single dog a "puppy", no matter how big they are.
21) You are beautiful.
22) Every night while I am rocking you to sleep, we talk about our day and I remind you that no matter how much mommy loves you, it doesn't even compare to how much the God who created you loves you. And how blessed your brothers and sister are to be with Him at this very moment.

Love you firstborn....you are my favorite booskie!


Nathan:
1) I miss your face every single day.
2) Your sister on earth started to say your name. She points to you in pictures.
3) I miss feeling you kicking me and rolling around, despite the fact that dr's said you wouldn't be able to move without the fluid. You were a fighter.
4) You would probably be crawling around right now, and getting in to everything. I wish this house was a disaster from you.
5) I wonder what color your eyes are every single day. I can't wait to look into them and tell you in person how much I love you.
6) I heard the other day that you may have never seen my face on this earth, but the first thing you got to see was Jesus. How amazing is that!? I'm jealous!
7) I pray everyday that God eases the hurt in my heart, and that I get to see you again real soon!

Love you my firstborn son.....you are my favorite peanut!


Malia:
1) I miss your face every single day.
2) I wonder how much like your sister you would be. You were identical to her personality in the womb. We joked about the run for our money you would be. Now, I wish you were here to be that.
3) I miss feeling you kicking me and your brothers. You were a real pistol.
4) Your beautiful little life has left me feeling so inspired to be the best mommy I could ever be to your big sister, and hopefully your little brothers and sisters in the future.
5) I wonder what color your eyes are every single day. I can't wait to look into them and tell you in person how much I love you.
6) I am so thankful that if you couldn't see me, the first thing you did get to see was Jesus.
7) I bet you would be pushing your brothers down and crawling over them right now. I wouldn't even make you stop.

Love you my youngest daughter....you are my favorite little sweetheart!


Anthony Jr:
1) I miss your face every single day.
2) I wonder what color your eyes are every single day, and can't wait to look into them and and tell you in person how much I love you.
3) I think you woulda been a jokester like your sister, because while I thought you were the docile one, the ultrasound tech would always point out how active you were at pushing and kicking your sister. Stinker!
4) You have the cutest button nose, and you looked JUST.LIKE.YOUR.SISTER did when she was born.
5) You were the "chunker" out of the three of you, and I bet you woulda kept putting on the pounds.
6) I am in awe that you got to see Jesus' face as the first thing you ever laid eyes on. How amazing was that? Can't wait for you to tell me one day!
7) I can't even wait to be in heaven with you, kissing your sweet little face!

Love you my baby boy....you are my favorite little buddy!

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

I know I am no where close to blogging like I was at the beginning of the year. I am trying, and some days I have plenty to say, but no time to say it, then on the days I have time....I can't for the life of me remember what it was I had to say.

I left off in the process of our journey in infertility having had 1 egg ready to be released, a scheduled IUI, and waiting for the mandatory 2 weeks. I failed at the "waiting 2 weeks" thing. Terribly. I really tested those "early detection" pregnancy tests. I took 4 in the matter of 2 weeks. Only 1 of them being at the 2 week mark, mind you. They were all negative. And then, on Tuesday of this week, the exact 2 week mark, I got my period. I didn't think it would hit me as hard as it did. We have never had an unsuccessful IUI, though I know MANY who have. It's not a guarantee, especially with only 1 egg. Not even close. There is about a 15 - 20% chance to get pregnant. Not high AT ALL. But, nonetheless, I was pretty upset. I found a spot to be alone, call my husband, and weep. Unfortunately, I needed to be at work that day, or I would have crawled in a hole and felt sorry for myself for a couple of hours. I didn't though. I recovered, and though hurt, put myself back together. Life is never predictable. And if there's one thing I've learned the most over these past 7 months, it's that life never goes the way you think it's going to go. You have absolutely no control. And the quicker you can grasp onto that, the better the "ride" will be. Well, better is a pretty ambiguous word. I made the phone call to the dr, had an ultrasound and blood work done on Thursday, and got to start the process all over again Friday. I am a pro at this now, and though I wished that it was over and we weren't sticking needles into my body daily again, it's not, and we are. I remind myself that it's all for a purpose. It's all in God's hands, and in God's timing. I have done this process for almost 3 years straight now. Each time you would think it gets easier. It doesn't But, I am much quicker to recover from the disappointment. Thankful for my family, thankful for my health insurance, thankful for my "healthy" body, and thankful that I have a Savior who loves me, cares about my heart, and died so that I can live for eternity with the Creator of the world and see my children again. Keeping Him in my sights, so that I don't sway to the right of to the left, which is so easy to do when life doesn't hand us what we think we deserve.

day dreaming

this weekend i spent a lot of time outside with my husband and daughter. it has been unseasonably gorgeous around here. i really do appreciate it, i love this weather, but i am also not an idiot, and i know we will pay. bugs are going to be all over because nothing died off t his very warm winter. crops will suffer, people's livlihoods that depended on snow and a cold winter have already suffered. this weather is bittersweet. you know what else is bittersweet? watching my toddler run around the backyard playing with all her toys from last summer that are "new to her" again, and seeing the growth she's had over the past year, the learning she's done....yet daydreaming what it would be like to have a playyard set up with cooing triplets covered with a canopy so the sun doesn't kiss their too new skin. running around like a crazy person to meet all 4 of my children's needs. THAT is what i spent a majority of MY weekend doing. day dreaming about the stroller we would be pushing them around in while my eldest INSISTS on walking herself, which makes the trip around the block 45 minutes long.

so many neighbor in our neighborhood have emerged this spring, and i see new additions that have been added over the winter. more strollers being pushed around the neighborhood, siblings added, double strollers where there once was only single strollers. i'm not jealous, not in the least. i am very happy for each and every one of those families. it does cause a little session of "day dreaming" to come on though. most times, i nip it in the bud. bring myself back to reality. thank God for the family i do have and the promises of holding my precious babies again. but sometimes, sometimes....i let myself go. i dream and dream and dream, and before i know it the 45 min walk around the block is over, and i return to my house again, and the memorial stone is out front and my daughter runs to it and gives it a few taps, babbling something....i'm sure she's saying "wish you coulda come with us on that walk, but we will have an eternity of walks to have real soon! especially with the way this weather is going!" ;o) (had to throw that in there....end times is real people, read revelation!)

i like day dreaming. i like it a lot.

Just a little about my beauty

We have been taking advantage of the really nice days we've had lately. And while my daughter is sick *AGAIN*, I thought maybe the fresh air will help chase away the germs. She wasn't too thrilled at first. This was just before dinner time, and she was run down, and not tolerating me trying to get photos of her. Honestly, she followed me around the yard as I picked up a million piles of poop. Why were there a million piles? Don't get me started. I might explode and say something I can't take back....let's just say, some people reason this chore right out of their daily routine, and some people can't take it anymore. If you want something done, sometimes, you just have to do it yourself. BACK to the reason of this post...my beauty...here are some pics from the past few days playing outside:

"uh, mom....what are you doing? don't you know i'm sick?"

This was the next day, feeling much better, so daddy took her to McDonald's for lunch while mommy was getting her eyes dilated at the dr's. After 5 days of not eating much, this was right up her ally! I LOVE those lips. She does that a lot when she's eating. I think it's absolutely adorable.

When I got home from work it was 66 degrees out and we were going to spend the evening outside if it was the last thing we did. Daddy was picking up our cousins to come over and play. Last time I put her on this bench her feet were barely hanging off the side of it! Where did my baby go!?

"Look mommy! It held up the colors through the winter!"....ok, she didn't really say that, but mommy did! She ran right over to it and started pointing and "talking" to them. Makes my heart happy that she remembers, and sad that she has no idea what a live brother and sister would be to her today.

One of my favorite photos from this day. She is a funny kid. And she knows it.

That face, I can stare at it all day long!

shed a few (ok, many) tears today. iui is tomorrow. and while it's supposed to be joyous...and mostly it is, it's caused a lot of anxiety. last people to dwell inside of me didn't get to live much this side of heaven. and i can't help but to think about the next person to live inside of there is right where they were, and they will never know their siblings this side of heaven either. and i pray with all that is in me that i will become pregnant, and get to bring this baby home from the hospital. but, i would be lying if i said it doesn't cause so much anxiety i want to puke. i trust in my God, and i know that He knows my children even before they are living inside of my womb, but i am human too, and i am scared. very scared. pregnancy will never be the same for me again. it's going to be a lot of "fake it til you make it" kinda moments between now and when i finally do have a "bring home baby". i just wish the triplets were here. tomorrow will be a day of trying to hold myself together. it's going to be so very emotional. april 11, 2011 was the day the triplets iui was and they were miraculously formed. almost a year later, and we are doing it all over again. i am shaking just thinking about it. shaking, and shedding some more tears. i can't believe any of it.

just some sentences

motivation seems to be something of the past lately. i am really trying to keep up with writing down my thoughts every day. in all honesty, by the end of the day, my thoughts are what have exhausted me.

a lot is going on right now, and it's funny how "life goes on" when you don't know how to let it. it just does. we are so busy with stuff. just stuff. nothing in particular, work, toddlerhood, friends, family, church, feeding our spirits, etc.

my husband and i can't seem to take our eyes off our daughter lately. everything she does is hysterical. mind you, i'm sure mostly to us, but in our humble opinions, she's the funniest 21 month old ever. she says and does new things every single day. all she has to do is reach her arms up and say "mommy" and i'm there. in a heartbeat. i don't care if it's 8:30 at night and she's been playing in her crib for a half hour, i don't care that i know she can fall asleep if i just ignore her and let her be, i don't care that she's throwing herself around her crib giggling....i want to pick her up, snuggle her, and tell her she is the most precious gift i have here on this earth. and i do. no silly book about "how to get your child to sleep and keep good habits" is going to tell me how to be a mommy. my daughter won't end up worse for the ware because i hugged her more, snuggled her more, spoiled her more. she is our number one priority on this earth, given to us for no certain period of time. we will not live with regrets of any kind in raising her, loving her, showing her what it means to love with no restrictions.

i got tickets to the Mandisa Girls Night Out Tour. my husband got me tickets for christmas. i went with a few friends. it was so nice to get out. i don't do that much. i hate leaving my family. it's a fear i have, and probably will forever. though i'm learning to give it all to God, i am human. i don't want a single thing to happen to my family ever, and especially not while i am away. so this concert was a big step for me. leaving my husband and daughter for a non-determined amount of time...enjoying myself. i really wanted to go to see Laura Story. she has been an amazing part of my healing process this past 6 months. her music, her voice, her deliverance of God's gift from her to those who hear her ....indescribable. she came on, she sang, i cried. i tried to hide my tears, but i let them flow. seems i can listen to worship music all i want by myself and hold it together, but there's something about worshiping, live, with the holy spirit pouring over me....i can't hold it together anymore. i cry EVERY.SINGLE.TIME! disappointed in the fact that she only sang 3 of her songs, i found she was giving a concert not too far from me and i was sold. bought tickets right away. i am so excited to see her in concert again. i just love her music, and i just love her voice, and i just love her gift.

i have kinda "secretly", kinda "not-so-secretly" been going through the fertility process again. i have wanted to keep quiet on the blogging/facebook end of it because i don't care for other's opinions on it. i want to journal the process though, so it's a double edged sword. so to wrap it all up, my body was not cooperating for quite some time. i was getting injections of the hormones and blood work every 3 or less days for over a month. at first, my body didn't even pretend it knew i was a female. injecting estrogen, and other hormones didn't even phase it. i was getting frustrated, but trying to pray through it. i didn't want to get frustrated. i wanted to enjoy every single minute of this process, because it is what after all, leads us into new life. it wasn't working. i would stuff down my emotions, and then have explosions of emotions with my husband. NOT HEALTHY FOLKS! not healthy at all. a marriage is a delicate thing, even more delicate when you throw in the loss of children. it takes a healthy dose of prayer and working through things to hang on and make it. we are doing it all, no worries, but throwing in a little "crazy heather" here and there doesn't help the whole "i love you euphoria"....back to my point. the first time we did fertility, we had 3 follicles (means 3 eggs for those who know this terminology). perfect scenario, because not every egg is likely to get fertilized. we got my beautiful, perfect daughter from this round. next round, a million follicles.....abandon cycle! abandon cycle! try again, a million follicles....abandon cycle again! this happened a few more times until we finally had 6 follicles... a little much, but so much better than a million. we went for it. who knew that ALL 6 EGGS would get fertilized! crazy. only to end in tragically losing all 6 of them. this time, we wanted to be really careful. we prayed that i would have no more than 2 follicles with this round. in going to the dr to have an ultrasound, i found out we have ONE beautiful, perfect, just the right size follicle. we have a few more mm to grow, have another ultrasound on saturday morning...and are aiming for an IUI on monday. we have arrived...well, almost. we know the % of getting pregnant with just one egg, BUT it's the safest possible way to approach this. we will pray over this little egg, we will nurse this little egg until we find out if it is good or not. if not, we will try again. the dr has awarded me with the patience and persistence award. not the award i really wanted to win, but hey, i'll take it. i'm an overachiever....what can i say. an award is an award.....kidding. kind of.

so while this has gotten quite long, there is still so much more i have to say. i will give my fingers, and your eyes a break for now though. until tomorrow....or you know...whenever i can get it all out again...