6 months

today marks 6 months to the date that we gave birth and lost Nathan, Malia, and Anthony Jr. summer to winter....seems like such a long time. it also seems like just yesterday sometimes. life has been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions lately for many reasons. the ups and downs have caused me to go on somewhat of a "journaling" hiatus. i have spent a lot more time praying about peace in my heart lately. i have a lot of anxiety over different points throughout my day, and it's stretching me to work through those. it's stretching my marriage. my husband and i are committed. 100%, never ending, never giving up, through thick and thin committed. i am pretty sure we've been through the worse thing a marriage can go through. and we are going strong. i am an emotional mess sometimes for my husband to deal with. he's a saint for dealing with me through it. but i will say that things have changed. i "need" more lately. i need to know more often the love my husband feels for me. i need to be told more how much i mean to him and why. maybe this will go away as time goes on, but i am not sure. i make sure i tell my daughter everything she means to me at LEAST daily, if not more. i never, for one moment want her to forget the incredible gift she is to me, and how amazing the love of her creator is for her. we daily chat about what a great big sister she is, and how someday i hope she gets another sister or brother to hug and kiss and love on this earth. i daily tell my husband how much i love him and how i feel about who he is. i don't want to take one moment for granted. one minute i was pregnant and feeling my children doing flips and kicks inside of me, and the next i was giving birth to them and watching them take their last breaths. i wish i took more time in those first moments of their lives to tell them more of how much i loved them, how special they were, what they meant to me and their father. how exciting it would be to meet Jesus. i froze though. i did tell them briefly all of those things, and i know they know now, but i froze. and some things i wanted to say, i didn't get a chance to. i don't want to freeze in these moments i have on earth with my family. i want every word that i need to say to come out. there is no time for "waiting". the bible says that tomorrow isn't guaranteed. i just took it for granted the MY tomorrows were. 6 months later, and there are still lessons being learned from the loss we encountered and lives of my beautiful babies.

forgive me if i take more time off from blogging every day. i have a TON of things i want to post about, but when i sit down to write it all out, i just can't do it. i will be trying though, promise.

been awhile

i know it's been awhile since i've posted. i have so much on my mind, it's hard to get it all into words. i also don't want to make blogging a chore, and it's been lately. my husband said if i am not enjoying it, i shouldn't be doing it. i am enjoying it. it's a release for me. it's nice to write down things that are on my mind without cataloging books on my shelves. i have a shelf in my craft area filled with journals. not very practical to me anymore. takes up so much space, and not easy to find if i ever want to look back for certain events....so i love that i can do it all online. i just need time to gather my thoughts....

i went to the "girls night out" tour with mandisa, laura story and britt nicole. it was great. i want to write about that as well. soon. for now, i'm heading to bed to ice my ankle and chat with the husband. we have a lot to talk about lately. i love nights just laying in bed talking with my husband until i can't barely keep my eyes open.

i know it's been awhile. forgive me. i'll get my thoughts together and post again soon.

Again

i feel like i've failed as a parent again. i was reading a blog of another mother who lost triplets, similar in fact that one of her children was not born alive, and the other two were. she was talking about taxes and how she claimed her two sons that were born alive that year, and how this year she had to remove them from the list and how hard that was.

months ago i wondered about this. NOT AT ALL for the dependent money thing, but because i wanted to claim them as my children. it was like reinforcing to "the world" that they lived, they were alive, they are my children. we didn't know the answer to that and assumed because they didn't get social security numbers that we weren't supposed to claim them. i didn't think any more of it...well, i did, but not aloud. i wanted so bad for there to be a way to claim them. claim....what a word.

v. to demand, ask for, or take as one's own or one's due;

a statement of something as a fact; an assertion of truth

i wanted to claim my children. i gave birth to them. they took breaths on this earth. they are mine. they deserve to be recognized. i should have claimed them. i should have pressed the issue further with my husband. i should have fought for them harder.

not claiming them, as silly as it may sound to anyone else, it's like i denied they were born. like i denied they are my children. denied the took breaths here on this earth.

i feel like i have failed them......again.

rough one

the triplet's room is empty. the marks in the carpet where the last crib was and the dresser will soon disappear with vacuuming. my husband took the crib and dresser to work for a guy who is expecting twins and has no money right now. we agreed we would give the furniture to people who needed it because any other children we have, we want to buy them their own furniture. i came home from work to see the room empty, and it took my breath away. i thought i was ready for their furniture to be gone, for their room to be completely taken apart. i wasn't as ready as i thought.

i feel like when i give each piece of furniture away, i am giving pieces of my children away. as crazy as it sounds, i had to hug the crib last night because i knew it wouldn't be there when i got home from work the next day. my child was supposed to sleep in that crib, spit up in that crib, cry in that crib, pee through his/her diaper in that crib. none of that ever got to happen, and instead someone else's child will get to do all those things in my child's crib.

i hope they love their child to the core, appreciate every late night, sickness, change of sheets, and tired days that they get with their child.

The Ripple Effect

Walking With You's

topic this week is the ripple effect in your marriage from the loss of a child/ren. My husband's and my marriage has definitely changed dramatically since the loss of Nathan, Anthony Jr and Malia. We clung to each other in the hospital. I didn't want my husband to be away from my side, and he didn't want to leave my side. We held each other, he checked on me constantly through the night, and I checked on him. We barely got any sleep, not like anyone COULD sleep through what was going on. We locked eyes a lot. I think something, and it instantly is on my husband's lips most of the time. Vice Versa. So, the closer it got to delivering the triplets, the less words that needed to be shared. After we left the hospital, my husband didn't want me to be alone. Not even in the bedroom in the morning when we'd wake up. If he had to go somewhere, he made sure someone was at the house the entire time he was gone. I tried to let him know I was ok, or that I needed some time alone, but he wouldn't have it. He knows me too well. We cried a lot the days after, into the weeks after they were gone. My husband got to take a few weeks off with me. That was incredibly nice. We spent every waking moment together. Our marriage has grown stronger. We depend on each other in ways only we can understand. Our priorities have changed, our arguments have changed, our emotions have changed. Our marriage is definitely been effected by the loss of our children. There is no way that is wouldn't be. I know that it could have been effected for the worse, and we fought hard against that. We fight daily against it. Satan will use anything as a stronghold to break up what God has put together. In knowing that alone, it makes us stronger. We are united in that front. We pray for our marriage daily because without it, we know what can happen. Grief can takeover all parts of your life and your heart, and there is no greater grief than losing your children. I'm convinced of that.

empty places

my husband took down the last and final crib tonight. and the dresser that came 14 days before the triplets died is still sitting in the box in their room, that too will be going this week. my husband works with a guy that found out he and his girlfriend are having twins. they don't have a lot of money to get all the stuff they will need, so we decided we will give them ours. I can't use the triplet's furniture for future babies of ours. It doesn't feel right. every time i go upstairs i see the crib in the bedroom. i told my husband i need it out, i can't keep looking at it anymore. tonight i go upstairs to give my daughter a bath and my husband is taking the crib apart. i lose it. it's a lose lose situation. i can't stand to keep looking at the crib, but i can't stand for it to be gone either. it's final. they never came home. it's like they never were even in the picture when their room is finally taken completely down. one more hard day. sometimes it seems like the waves of grief hit me out of no where. the room will be empty this week. completely empty. my heart is feeling empty tonight. i snuggled my daughter closer. i held my husband longer. the holes in my heart are still there. i'm fighting to stay above the water. i'm fighting to fill my empty heart. God is right here with me fighting along side me to fill the empty places.

Peace

it's been a roller coaster ride for my emotions the past few days. ever since valentine's day i have had waves of emotions rolling over me very frequently. i'm not even sure why because we don't really even celebrate valentine's day. i just get choked up, and have to choke it back down. this week we had family in town, family we don't see very often at all. i was apprehensive to be alone with my sister in law because i know my emotions are very fragile right now and i didn't want to trigger a sobfest. i ended up holding my emotions together pretty well after talking in depth about my triplets. it made me think more about how i would have changed that day though, and the days around it. i know there is no going back. i know there can be no changes made, and i pray that we NEVER have to go through something like this again. however, i do wish we did walk through that journey a little differently. that makes me upset as well. i just need reassurance sometimes that there was nothing wrong with how we handled the loss of our children. a dear friend of my, the best of the best, reassured me today that nothing we did was wrong, and that no one has the right to tell us what we should have done. isn't it funny how sometimes we just need someone else to tell us what we already know to feel a peace again about decisions we've made?

praying peace over my heart, my mind, and my body tonight. peace over my sleep and my dreams. praying peace over all of you reading this as well.

my baby

isn't a baby anymore. she is growing up way too fast. she repeats almost EVERYTHING we say to her. she is so smart. we will do something random, and my daughter picks up on it and does it over and over again, days later remembering. she is like a sponge.

somewhere she picked up that when my husband or i get up from our seat, she will run over and climb up. then when we return she giggles and smiles at us all proud thinking she is funny. we laugh every time. we have no idea where she picked that up from.

also, she thinks she is done with her highchair and tries to climb up on the kitchen chairs, even the bar stool chairs. she just swings her little leg up and tries with all her might. thankfully, she can't do it yet. the chairs are leather, so a little slippery for her. i think it's time for a booster seat.

lately, she screams bloody murder when she sees us get a washcloth to change her diaper. she used to just go lay down and wait for you to return to change her diaper. i don't know what that's all about, but that can end anytime now...it's a little dramatic.

she learned how to fold wash clothes a LONG time ago. i know i've mentioned she loves to do laundry with me. so i showed her and helped her fold wash clothes a few times. she did it sloppily for a while, and now, she's a pro. she even takes the pile of wash clothes and goes and puts them away.

daddy is still her favorite person in all the world. he can do no wrong. he is pretty goofy. he would be my favorite too.

she has given up milk. she actually did this at about 18 months, i couldn't get milk into her for anything. so she would eat yogurt and cheese up the wazoo. now, even a single slice of cheese constipates her for days. i think she may be lactose intolerant. this will be interesting, i pray she isn't. so i think that we will have to try some other ways to get her the vitamins she needs.

she learned "uppy" a few weeks ago. i have NO idea where that word came from either. we never say that. whenever she walks up to us and wants us to pick her up though she chants "uppy" over and over again.

she has started to undress herself. this is my fault. before bath and in the morning when we get dressed, i tell her to take her pants off and show her how. and then i show her how to take her shirt off. i then tell her to get dressed and show her how to put her pants and shirt on. so when she goes down for nap but doesn't feel like sleeping, off come her clothes. it's hilarious. or at least it will be until she poops and takes her diaper off.

she moves into the toddler room in a month. i just can't believe it. she rarely goes to daycare, but i just can't believe that she is big enough to be in that room with the rest of those children. where has the time gone!?

i'm sure there's more to update on her, but my head is pounding and i need to eat something. family is in town and it's game mania at our house today/tonight. so until tomorrow...let time stand still.

My Song Today

Stay close by My side,

Keep your eyes on Me,

Though this life is hard,

I will give you perfect peace.

In this time of trial,

Pain that no one sees,

Trust me when I say,

I will give you perfect peace.

And you'll never walk alone.

And you'll never be in need.

Though I may not calm the storms around you,

You can hide in Me.

Burdens that you bear,

Offer no relief.

Let Me bear your load,

Cause I will give you perfect peace.

Stay close by My side,

And you'll never walk alone.

Keep your eyes on Me,

And you will never be in need.

Though this life is hard,

Know that I will always give you perfect peace.

I will give you perfect peace...

- Laura Story- "Perfect Peace" -

Playing over and over again today in my head, on my computer, in my car. Everywhere I am, this song is pouring over me. I need perfect peace. The peace that only comes from the One who is Perfect Peace.

Ever have a day that you just can't find that peace? That life piles up and things pile up. You feel like you are dealing well, conquering issues that you come across each day...big or small. You feel like things are going well, and then...out of no where....you feel like somehow you lost that peace you had?

I don't think I've misplaced it. I don't think it's left. I think that the enemy, the one who steals, kills and destroys (John 10:10) is trying to cover it up so that I feel the waves of overwhelmingness (not a word, I know) and the waves of anxiety that I know too well. (Ephesians 6:12) I know my battle isn't with anything tangible on this earth. It's between the One who created me and loves me to the ends of the earth, and the one who wants to deceive me that the God of the universe has abandoned me. They war for my heart....and it's up to me who I let win each battle. It's up to me to choose peace each day. It's a hard choice. When you are angry, upset, feeling abandoned, it's hard to choose the truth. But when I do, that's when this perfect peace flows and I know who won that battle.

Sometimes, there aren't any battles going on that I'm aware of. And sometimes, it's every few minutes I have to choose this peace. Today, this moment, I'm choosing perfect peace.

How...

...does life get so busy when you try to cut so much out?

...do you keep your daughter from getting older?

...do you get people to "get it"?

...do you keep your joy?

...do you keep your dog from shedding?

...do you vacation with a toddler who won't sleep away from home...like not even in the car late at night!?

...do you love your job and love staying at home and choose?

...do you accept defeat with grace?

...do you trip and fall and break an ankle so easily?

...do you find time in your day to do everything you need to get done?

The Sea of Grief

This week in WWY's blogging series it is all about the beginning stages of grief. How better to describe it than just going to the post that I already wrote all about it in. I didn't feel like it would be beneficial to me to revisit these feelings. I am not so stable with my emotions these days for many reasons, so I want to be careful in how I trigger my emotions. I am still really in the beginning stages some days. It hasn't even been 6 months since I lost my children, so I still feel like I am right in the middle of it all some days. That, and returning to work today, I don't have a lot of time to put the effort I would need into protecting my emotions while writing this. So, you can go to the link below and read about my beginning stages of grief, and know that though I still feel this way some days, there are good days too. I love and miss my children greatly, and time doesn't heal all wounds...but it definitely distracts you enough to focus on other things in life and not just the wounds.

This post here.

Being Bold

Our church's message series is all about being bold. In prayer, in our lives, in our faith, in our giving, in our obedience. It's seems like a no-brainer to me....but I will admit it's not. It's hard. I don't know how to be bold, or rather I DO know how, I just have a hard time doing it. Especially, in prayer lately. I pray, all day long, about things from the very little day to day, to the miracles I need in my life. I'm not sure my whole heart is always in it though. I do it because I know I should, I know He hears me, I know He can answer me. Sometimes, I just have a hard time connecting though. I have a hard time being "bold". I have doubt sometimes in my prayer now.

Before August 28th of 2011 I would have told you that I believe 100% that what I pray will come to be. I had no evidence otherwise. I prayed for healing in many different areas of my life, and God always answered these prayers. It may have been slowly answered in my eyes here on earth, but they WERE answered. I was in awe of my God has done in my life, my mind, my body, my heart. So, daily when I would pray for a healthy pregnancy, that my babies would be able to hang on and stay inside until it was safe for them I had full belief that God would answer my prayers. I prayed boldly, against what the dr's were telling us, against all the odds stacked up against them, I prayed boldly that they would live, they would be healthy, they would beat the odds and be miracles and living witnesses of the power of my God.

I do believe God can perform miracles, and a miracle wasn't in the plan the way I saw it fit. At first, I remember my husband would ask me to pray and I would flat out say "no". I couldn't pray to God. I couldn't, at that moment, thank Him, praise Him, cry out to Him. I was angry. I thought "why would He quiet the noise of my heart if I asked Him to, when something that mattered so much more to me, my CHILDREN'S lives weren't spared as I had asked?!" It took weeks for me to pray, and not just pray, but pray boldly. I am still not back to where I was before August 28th. I don't know that I ever will be. That day changed the way I pray. Bold means something different to me today than it did then. Our prayers aren't answered the way we always believe they should be. Not because God doesn't want to, but there is always more to the picture than we can see here on earth. I long to be back to where I was. I long to pray and KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that my God hears me and will answer my pleas. I know this in my head, as I have for a long time. In my heart though, there are pieces still missing from the shattering that took place 5 1/2 short months ago.

"what you believe will determine how you behave." Pierre DuPlessis

I am going to begin to boldy pray that my heart WILL be healed, and I will regain the pieces of my shattered heart. They may be different, but they will all be there.

Accomplished

I'm feeling pretty accomplished today. I baked 2 loaves of bread from scratch, made chicken and avocado salad for dinner and my daughter DEVOURED it, along with a slice of my bread mind you. My daughter and I have made many memories today, and daddy got to spend some of the day with us before returning to work. Next on the agenda is biscuits from scratch for the pasta we are having for dinner. My husband made sauce, and meatballs. The only thing that would make this day better right now would be if I had chocolate! I may have to make some!

My sister-in-law and niece are coming into town on Wednesday and I have so much to still get done. I probably could have tackled some of it today since I return to work Monday, but I enjoyed family and baking instead. I know that these coming days/evenings are going to be packed with finishing up the last of the basement, and getting the decor done for the playroom. All my books are finished, so that's all that's left now to do now.

Well, time to get the diapers stuffed and put away, and build a castle with my beauty. I love productive days!

if you are tired about reading about "feelings" then stop right here

i just finally finished "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. i cried. almost the entire way through. she wrote about the exact things i have been feeling and thinking and doing. i thought maybe i was just crazy, but now i realize i belong to a group of people who grieve this way because the unthinkable has happened. she talked about browsing the baby section of stores for months after her daughter was born. looking at the little clothes, the bottles, etc. i did that. sometimes, i still do. i will look at outfits i would have bought them. matching outfits. small, tiny, infant outfits. i linger a little longer in the aisles with the bottles, infant toys, etc. i miss those stages with them.

she talks about how one day she is good and the next day she sees something at the store that reminds her of her daughter and has to hold onto the wall and try to catch her breath. i distinctly remember being at Target with a friend of mine and behind us in the line was a young couple with a set of twins. the infants were just a few months old...the same age as my triplets would have been at that time. i fought hard to hold back tears, and i wasn't successful. i quickly walked my cart over to put it away and leaned harder on it because i felt like i was going to pass out.

she talked about how her arms ached from not holding her daughter, and that ache is all to familiar to my arms as well. how she missed her daughters smell, and kissing her face. oh how i know that ache in my heart.

she talks about the things that people say in good intentions that just wreck your heart....and i have heard the same, and they have wrecked me too.

i hope that everyone who knows someone who has lost a child, miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death....that they would read this book to better understand a mother's heart.

i am part of a club that i didn't want to join. and i don't know how to be a "good" member of. most days i'm ok. most days, i function as i need. i do still have a job as a mother and wife to fulfill. but some days, i don't even want to get out of bed. and every move i make, every word i speak if full of effort and every bit of energy i can muster up.

i hate this club. i don't want to renew my membership. but i'm forced to. life on this earth will never heal this broken heart. never ever. and i can be ok with that. i can know that that doesn't make me crazy. because now i know, there is someone else out there who has felt the exact same and has put it into words for others to read.

thanks angie smith. blessings and peace to you, because God knows, we need more and more of it every day to be able to get out of bed and take on the responsibilities that are required of us.

if not anything else out of this horrible event in my life, i pray that my Savior is glorified in everything that i do. whether it is joy or sorrow, i pray His name is on my lips and it is a name i am so thankful for.

Time off = Time to think

A LOT. It's not always good to "think". Especially, the way I do it. But, I did get a lot of reading done that led me to more thinking. I FINALLY finished "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn. SOOOOO worth the read. Whether you have someone in heaven you miss or not, it's an amazing scriptural look into what it's going to be like when we meet Jesus face to face again. It's a comfort and an amazing gift to know what "life" is like for my children that beat me there. I never stop thinking about what they are doing, or whose rocking them, snuggling them, what they would look like now....what they get to do in the presence of Jesus. I know they are beautiful, and whole, and peaceful, and in the best place ever. I know they are well taken care of and loved and know that they are missed greatly.

I also finished "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. Such a good book as well. A few parts tugged at my heart strings, but overall it was an enjoyable read. I, again, got to see glimpses of what heaven is like for my children, and overall it was very comforting.

I am just about finished with "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. There hasn't been a page I haven't cried over. There hasn't been a chapter that hasn't made me think of Nathan, or his brother and sister. There hasn't been a word that hasn't been read without a cry going up to God to hear my sadness, my pain, and bring renewed peace. I needed to smell them again, I needed to feel them against my skin again. I went up to the bedroom and pulled out their boxes. I opened them and pulled out their blankets. Anthony Jr's and Nathan's both have some "yuck" on them. Just a little bit, but enough that it bothers me. Malia's is perfectly clean, except for a little ink from her tiny pigger toes. They all smell like death. Know that smell? I pray you don't. But if you do, you may understand how it's insanely comforting, while at the same time, a little nauseating. I wrapped them around my face and neck, and blocked out the nauseating part. I just wanted to remember their smell from when I held there little faces to my lips and took their scent in. I slept with them that night. I decided to air them out for a bit to see if that would help. It doesn't help that Nathan's box is cedar, and so it also has a hint of that smell, and I don't like that at all. I need to get him a new box. I thought about washing them...but deep down I know I'll regret it because I feel like I will be washing them out of their blankets. You see my thinking on this? It's going into overdrive. It will make me go nuts if I let it.

I am going back to work on Monday. That will be nice. Distract my brain with tedious things. I love the children, and I love the families, and I love the staff. That helps me think on other things than my silly bunny trails I find myself traveling down these days. It makes me think differently though. And sometimes it saddens me by how some of the children seem taken for granted. Like they are guaranteed to be on this earth every day for a very long time. Dismal....I know. Debbie Downer...you're telling me! But it's how I think now, and it's how I'll always think. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think like this anymore. I can't get away from it. and it's ok. Because it's me now. But the more I sit at home and think....the less I ever want to leave my house and live life. So, I NEED to get back to work. I NEED to go and do things like normal human beings do. I NEED to think less and live more. I don't think it will happen that way, but I sure can try.

Short because

right now I have been laying on my couch snuggling my triplets blankets they were wrapped in in the hospital finishing up reading "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. And I just want to be alone in it all. So, I wanted to punch this out before another day passed that I didn't journal. I started the book today, and will have it finished before I go to bed.

Abby Update:

She is home, and doing well! They still need to keep an eye on her brain fluid returning, but for now, infection free, pain free, and home with family. That is a beautiful little miracle.

Naming my babies

Walking with You

This week is about naming our babies. Those who aren't here with us anymore, and even those who are, how we came up with the names for our children, etc. Names are important to moms. We want to be able to call our children a name that means something to us. It's even more important for our children who aren't here on earth with us any longer. I want to talk about my children. I want to call them by name. It means everything to me when someone mentions one of the triplet's names. It doesn't happen much at all because it's not something people around me think to do. It probably makes them uncomfortable, or they don't know what to say, or maybe they have even forgot. Just to say "I'm thinking of (Anthony Jr, Nathan, Malia) today" would mean so much to me.

We named Claire after many months of calling her "Ava". Her first picture on the sonogram that my husband has in his phone is labeled "baby ava". We still laugh over that. We loved that name from day one. Long before we were even married we said we would name our first daughter Ava. Well, we were now 5 months pregnant and EVERYONE was naming their baby girls Ava. I couldn't do it. I don't like common names. I don't like everyday names. I like old names. I like names that haven't been used in years. I like original names. It's very hard to get the husband to agree to them though since he is so stuck in making sure they are at least a little Italian. Anyways, Claire......my husband's grandmother was named Clara. I loved the name...but couldn't do it. I kept thinking Clarabelle the Cow in Mickey Mouse. I loved Claire though. And so it became my daughter's name. Marie is her middle name. That is my middle name and my husband's mom's name. So Claire Marie. And it fits her so well. We always think about what it would have been like to call her Ava....and it doesn't fit her at all. I'm glad we changed it.

Claire means "clear, bright"

Marie means "wished for child"

We always knew that our first boy would be named Anthony Thomas Jr. It is my husband's grandfather's names and he wanted to carry on their legacy. I was more than willing to oblige since I love his name, and I love naming children after people in our family. My father is not a part of my life, so that would be out. My grandfather's names are Edgar Bailey and Burton Gustov. So needless to say, we weren't going there. Baby C was supposed to be born first because it was a planned c-section. It only made sense that because Baby C was a boy, he would get the name Anthony Thomas Jr. Well, he was born last, and we couldn't change their names. We had been calling Baby C Anthony for 6 weeks.

Anthony means "priceless, or he adds"

Thomas means "a twin"

Nathan Richard was really easy. We both agreed on Nathan as a name. We love how simple it is. I don't know a single child named Nathan, and have never in 11 years had a Nathan go through the daycare I am a director at. Meets that requirement! Richard is my father in law's name. Nathan was named after his brother and sister. We didn't know the sex because there was no water. We dislike all gender neutral names, so that was out. I make a book of scriptures for all my children to read over them every night. I insert their names into the scriptures. I NEEDED a name. That, and the fact that I couldn't stand that we couldn't call Baby A anything. I felt terrible as it was about the possible outcome of his/her life. I just HAD to have a name. We both loved Natalie and Nathan. We loved the meaning of their names, and it was important to do the nursery to have the same letter so when we brought him/her home we would be all set in the room and his/her part wouldn't be left undone. So whether a girl or a boy, we had a name. Then, we had to make sure my father in law didn't mind Nathan's middle name being his even though there was a possibility of Nathan not making it. My father in law said he would be honored. It just fit. Nathan Richard. And when my first born son came into this world, Nathan Richard fit him perfectly. He was beautiful.

Nathan means "gift of God"

Richard means "powerful, strong ruler"

Malia Elizabeth came much more randomly. We threw around a few names that we both liked. There are few names my husband and I can agree on. We both like a name but disagreed on the spelling. Therefore, that name was out. One night, we were laying in bed and heard the name Malia on the t.v. We both said "Malia!". We looked up the meaning of Malia that night. We loved it. We called her that from them on. Elizabeth is my deceased grandmother's name. I have always, always, always loved that name. We thought it had a nice ring to it.

Malia means "calm and peaceful" (after all the kicking and

rolling and bouncing we were naming her

in hopes that she would live up to her name )

Elizabeth means "consecrated to God"

That is how we named our children. We named them long before we knew the outcome of the pregnancy, and I feel like in their short lives, they definitely lived up to their names.

letters to my children (part III)

dear nathan, my little peanut,

i have called you peanut since day one. you always measured smaller than your sister and brother. you were "baby a". you were hanging out on my cervix. it was always quite the feeling. i always felt like you were just about to fall out. your sister and brother were on top of you, always kicking you, and you in turn were always kicking mommy's cervix. i loved every single second of it! at just 14 weeks old, for some unknown reason, your water broke. mommy freaked out and called daddy because he was at work. we weren't convinced it was your water at first. no contractions came, no one's water breaks at 14 weeks right? mommy called your aunt becca and your aunt becca helped me panic a little. then we called the dr the next morning and went in. we did the test and it was negative, but that was so long after that it could have been a false negative. we went home relieved, only to find out a few days later on friday during the ultrasound that your water was gone. if only they had done an ultrasound that wednesday. not that it would have changed anything. but that glimmer of hope, i think, was worse to come off of on friday than it would have been had we found out sooner. i miss you terribly. you were so cute when you arrived. we were so incredibly hurt when we found out we'd lost you. until the moment we heard you no longer had a heartbeat, we believed you would pull through. you were such a fighter for 8 weeks. you tried so hard. daddy called you a troublemaker...in a teasing way, but that hurt mommy's feelings. i didn't want you to think you did anything wrong to cause any harm to anyone. you couldn't help it. God just needed you back before mommy could stand to let you go. you are my eldest son. i couldn't wait for a son. you were my first born son. i was so excited and proud when you were born. i was angry too. i couldn't believe it. i still can't. take care of your sister and brother up there. you are the oldest of all of them. don't let them give you any trouble! tell them mommy will straighten them out when heaven comes down if they do! i love you so so so so so much. missing you means missing a part of me. you have my heart little peanut!

love, mommy

letters to my children (part II)

Malia, my sweetheart,

mommy misses you. i think of you every single day, all day long. i miss kissing your sweet face. you looked just like mommy when you were born. i was so excited because everyone else looks just like your daddy! clones of daddy. you were so busy when you were in mommy's belly. you moved constantly, always kicking. from the very beginning almost i got to feel you. i said you were just like your sister. everything you did was just like your sister did. we said "oh no, another claire!". you even hid your face like your sister did. you would turn your back when the ultrasound tech would try to get a glimpse of you. stinker! i was so excited you were going to have a sister. sister's are so fun. you were sandwiched between your brothers, but you were such a spitfire. daddy and mommy joked that you would probably be tough and beat up your brothers. your older sister is a tough cookie, so you would have some competition. you came into this world with such force, and you still had a smile on your face. i am so glad i got to see you smile on this earth. i can't wait to kiss your lips again, and your sweet, sweet face. you sister kisses your urn every day, and mommy's necklace with ashes of you. she says "baby" and hugs and kisses you every day. can you feel it? i pray you can feel how loved you are from your family? i know nothing compares to the love of Jesus you must feel, but we love you so much. we can't wait to see you again! heaven can't come soon enough! smooches!

love, mommy

letters to my children

anthony jr, my little buddy,

i am thinking of you often. we call daddy anthony sr now. it made him cry at first, tears of pride though that his son carried his name. no matter how brief. i see your smiling face every night before i go to sleep. i like to think of you and all your siblings. i know you never met your oldest sister, you just felt her kisses and heard her yell to you, and feel her spank your booty from the outside....but she sure does love you. she kisses your urn, and my necklace i have with some of your ashes in it every day, multiple times a day. i like to think of all of you before i drift of too sleep. i'll admit, it's selfishly to have dreams about you and your brother and sister. you were coy about all you did. i remember thinking how quiet and reserved you were because i felt your sister kicking ALL.DAY.LONG, and your brother too, even though he didn't have fluid. you, i never really felt for the longest time. THEN, we would see you on the screen at our ultrasounds each week, and you were kicking your sister nonstop! you were such a stinker, your hand behind your head...gulping your "water"....kicking your sister. here i was thinking you were the sweet quiet type. you didn't have me fooled for long anthony thomas jr. you even came out with your cute little smile, and your hand behind your head. you probably "kicked" your sister out in front of you. you were a funny guy. just like your daddy. just like your oldest sister. a real "ball breaker" as daddy would put it. miss you buddy. miss you so much my heart hurts. a piece of me is missing because you aren't here with me. can't wait to see your face again. kiss your sweet head and those smiling lips! i love you, to heaven and back!

Giving...

UPDATE: Here's the link

Give for Abby

that baby Abby that I have mentioned before on my blog, she is just struggling right now. she had to get a new drain put in because of the fluid and swelling and infection. i don't know a ton of details, but i do know that this little baby doesn't deserve this struggle. it just breaks my heart to know of anyone suffering, especially a baby. there is a fundraiser right now to raise money for medical costs. i can't get the link to load, so i will try later, but if you are a facebook friend of mine, you can go to it from my facebook page. you click on the link and it will tell you how you can give. please, if you can't give, at least pray for this beautiful daughter of God.

learning how to dance again

i read, i watch sermons online, i listen to pastors on the radio. i'm trying to grow. i am trying to find purpose in my life, and in my journey. i don't want my life to be in vain. i don't want my life experiences to be in vain. i know the word of God says that He turns our mourning into dancing. i'm trying to learn how to dance. mourning is easy. it's there. every day, sometimes all day. the dancing....that part is hard. feeling happy about dancing....even more hard. guilt comes easy. like life shouldn't go on from the mourning. but i know what the truth is. and it's all about the grace of God and the mercy of Christ that covers each and every one of His children...through darkness, trials and valleys, as well as light, times of peace and mountain tops. dancing is what happens in between. you don't dance when you are in the valley. at least i don't. you are broken. your body doesn't work the way it was created. you weep. you seclude yourself, you lay in a ball on the floor. when you are on the mountaintop, you shout with joy, you dance around, you tell anyone and everyone who will listen. it's hard to dance sometimes though. even on the way up to that mountaintop. so, i read. i watch sermons online, i listen to pastors. i try to gain wisdom and direction on how to dance. sometimes you just have to force yourself. it may not look pretty at first. you may not be in step or have rhythm. but as you keep practicing, learning, trying, you get it. pretty soon your dancing is beautiful, and your steps are in tune with the steps of your creator. it takes a lot of practice though. sometimes more than other times. so i believe that dancing comes after mourning. and i'm trying to learn how to dance again.

Serving...and Bunny Trails

my husband is very good at it. he has been amazing this past week. i have been ordered out of work and to pretty much not move and keep my foot up for the next while. it's been absolute torture on me. i keep thinking of the bright side, being that i get to spend everyday with the loves of my life, snuggling, playing, and just being together. yesterday, i had a bad attitude. a very bad attitude. i didn't think i would miss going to work so much, but it's more than that. i feel like life just keeps handing me and my family more and more difficult situations to figure out and maneuver around. i feel like i just need a break. like a simple, wake up, go through the day, come home and do it all again simplicity kind of break. that's what my bad attitude was mostly about. i'm feeling "punished" which of course i know isn't true...but i FEEL that way. nothing is easy, nothing is predictable, and that annoys me. it seems like some people just have that mundane, easy sort of life. they complain about doing the same things over and over again and want to spice up their lives....me on the other hand....i long for mundane. i long to not read into everything, and try to avoid awkward situations that will come throughout my day...i long for predictable.

well, that was a bunny trail...back to serving. my husband is amazing. he has been thrust into the position of being single parent yet again. he has to bath, lift, feed, put to bed, etc my daughter, while i sit on the sidelines and try to reprimand her from a 200ft distance. she's not a dummy, she knows i can't get up to correct her. my husband it taking it so well though. when i need my meds, he's on it. when i need a drink, something to eat, he's on it. laundry, he's been getting it put away, dishes washed and put away. vacuuming, swiffering, dusting, cleaning bathrooms...he's been doing it all. i try to do little things, and he has me stay put. this morning, he made me breakfast, coffee, let me stay in bed (i don't sleep well since i have to stay in one position all night long). his back was sore, so i made an appointment with our chiropractor. he left and did some errands while my daughter and i just played and had a fun morning. my husband came home with flowers and donuts. he really knows how to take care of me. he's a hard working man, and i love that he takes pride in serving. he always says to love is to serve, and he makes sure he lives by that as well. i love him. he's my knight in shining armor! i will miss this pampering when i return to having 2 working legs!