6 months

today marks 6 months to the date that we gave birth and lost Nathan, Malia, and Anthony Jr. summer to winter....seems like such a long time. it also seems like just yesterday sometimes. life has been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions lately for many reasons. the ups and downs have caused me to go on somewhat of a "journaling" hiatus. i have spent a lot more time praying about peace in my heart lately. i have a lot of anxiety over different points throughout my day, and it's stretching me to work through those. it's stretching my marriage. my husband and i are committed. 100%, never ending, never giving up, through thick and thin committed. i am pretty sure we've been through the worse thing a marriage can go through. and we are going strong. i am an emotional mess sometimes for my husband to deal with. he's a saint for dealing with me through it. but i will say that things have changed. i "need" more lately. i need to know more often the love my husband feels for me. i need to be told more how much i mean to him and why. maybe this will go away as time goes on, but i am not sure. i make sure i tell my daughter everything she means to me at LEAST daily, if not more. i never, for one moment want her to forget the incredible gift she is to me, and how amazing the love of her creator is for her. we daily chat about what a great big sister she is, and how someday i hope she gets another sister or brother to hug and kiss and love on this earth. i daily tell my husband how much i love him and how i feel about who he is. i don't want to take one moment for granted. one minute i was pregnant and feeling my children doing flips and kicks inside of me, and the next i was giving birth to them and watching them take their last breaths. i wish i took more time in those first moments of their lives to tell them more of how much i loved them, how special they were, what they meant to me and their father. how exciting it would be to meet Jesus. i froze though. i did tell them briefly all of those things, and i know they know now, but i froze. and some things i wanted to say, i didn't get a chance to. i don't want to freeze in these moments i have on earth with my family. i want every word that i need to say to come out. there is no time for "waiting". the bible says that tomorrow isn't guaranteed. i just took it for granted the MY tomorrows were. 6 months later, and there are still lessons being learned from the loss we encountered and lives of my beautiful babies.

forgive me if i take more time off from blogging every day. i have a TON of things i want to post about, but when i sit down to write it all out, i just can't do it. i will be trying though, promise.