i just finally finished "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. i cried. almost the entire way through. she wrote about the exact things i have been feeling and thinking and doing. i thought maybe i was just crazy, but now i realize i belong to a group of people who grieve this way because the unthinkable has happened. she talked about browsing the baby section of stores for months after her daughter was born. looking at the little clothes, the bottles, etc. i did that. sometimes, i still do. i will look at outfits i would have bought them. matching outfits. small, tiny, infant outfits. i linger a little longer in the aisles with the bottles, infant toys, etc. i miss those stages with them.
she talks about how one day she is good and the next day she sees something at the store that reminds her of her daughter and has to hold onto the wall and try to catch her breath. i distinctly remember being at Target with a friend of mine and behind us in the line was a young couple with a set of twins. the infants were just a few months old...the same age as my triplets would have been at that time. i fought hard to hold back tears, and i wasn't successful. i quickly walked my cart over to put it away and leaned harder on it because i felt like i was going to pass out.
she talked about how her arms ached from not holding her daughter, and that ache is all to familiar to my arms as well. how she missed her daughters smell, and kissing her face. oh how i know that ache in my heart.
she talks about the things that people say in good intentions that just wreck your heart....and i have heard the same, and they have wrecked me too.
i hope that everyone who knows someone who has lost a child, miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death....that they would read this book to better understand a mother's heart.
i am part of a club that i didn't want to join. and i don't know how to be a "good" member of. most days i'm ok. most days, i function as i need. i do still have a job as a mother and wife to fulfill. but some days, i don't even want to get out of bed. and every move i make, every word i speak if full of effort and every bit of energy i can muster up.
i hate this club. i don't want to renew my membership. but i'm forced to. life on this earth will never heal this broken heart. never ever. and i can be ok with that. i can know that that doesn't make me crazy. because now i know, there is someone else out there who has felt the exact same and has put it into words for others to read.
thanks angie smith. blessings and peace to you, because God knows, we need more and more of it every day to be able to get out of bed and take on the responsibilities that are required of us.
if not anything else out of this horrible event in my life, i pray that my Savior is glorified in everything that i do. whether it is joy or sorrow, i pray His name is on my lips and it is a name i am so thankful for.
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