The Woman I am Called to be

I'm in a small group, it meets online. It's with other women who have lost their babies. It's something I think I needed, and with a group of women who "get it". One of the topics for discussion was what kind of woman do you want to be.

Some days I really don't want to stay married. if i'm being honest. some days I really don't give a rats behind if I have joy or not, if I keep my friends or not, if I am alone or not. some days I just want to be down right miserable and not feel guilty that i'm being a "bad Christian" because of it. My hope is there, when I look deep down. my joy is there, I still believe my Lord did what He did for me and I am still ever so thankful for that. But I want to be pitiful sometimes. 

On my good days, I do desire to be the wife that my husband needs. to support him in all things, be the encourager he needs to be the man of God that he needs and desires to be. I want to be the kind of mother where my children are always so excited to spend time with me, they know they have my undivided attention all the time. I want them to trust me, look up to me, be able to follow me and call me blessed. I want them to see a relationship with Christ that is so amazing that they aspire to have that kind of connection. I do strive for those things. Most of the time. I want my friends to all believe and see me strong, faithful, trustworthy. I want to be an example to the younger generations of what it means to live a life fully devoted to Jesus, interwoven with His word, that when they see me, they see the me that is only there because of grace and mercy and love.

There are days though that I don't know which end is up. I'm so angry that my husband hasn't mentioned my children in days and complains that the baby isn't sleeping through the night, or my daughter isn't napping anymore. I am thankful that these moments aren't moments I have to long for. It could be worse. They could not be on this earth with me either. I will get up a hundred times, and believe me you, I do. I would take a cranky, exhausted, stubborn 3 yr old, as frustrating as it is, because the thought of me longing for those moments with my triplets is too much for my heart to bear. There are times I don't care if I'm married, I don't care if he goes away and leaves me alone because the complaining makes my heart ache even more. There are days that I'm so short tempered with my children that they see the ugly come out of me. I don't know how to pay attention to the demanding 3 yr old, the teething 7 month old, and still feel like I'm taking time out to love and grieve my 3 beautiful children that don't get to be on this earth with me. How do you stretch yourself in all those directions? I don't want people to see me as the "one who came unraveled", but some days, lately more often than not, my rope is too short. I'm left trying to keep my head above the water when all I really want to do is strive to be the person that God created me to be, the example of hope and faithfulness to those who would look at me. But I'm failing.

The work it takes to be the woman I know I should be, the one I know I was made to be, and can be, it's hard. And while some days I feel I've been successful, more often than not, I want to bury myself under every blanket and pillow in my house, scream out in anger and failure and be left alone. It's a lonely place. Go figure. Wanting to be left alone is a lonely place. Feeling like no one gets it. That's the loneliest place. Feeling like I have to pretend every day, that is more exhausting than letting God do His work in me. Yet, I find myself fighting it more than letting go. I'm my worst enemy when it comes to being the woman God has called me to be.