Goodbye

2011.

It was the worst year of my life, with some of the BEST milestones. I do hope I never have another year like it.

JANUARY:

we were in the middle of our first cycle of injectable treatments again, needles, needles, and more needles.

my daughter learned to crawl

my body produced a million follicles so we had to abandon the cycle.

FEBRUARY:

my daughters personality started to come out, we moved out of the constant fussy/crying/anxiety stage

we started another round of injectables, more needles again

my body produced a million follicles so we had to abandon the cycle.

MARCH:

I turned 31.

we started another round of injectables, with you guessed it...more needles. did i mention i HATE needles???

my body produced about 6 follicles that looked like they could develop! we pushed ahead a few more days.

my daughter started table foods and had her 9 month check up. she weighed 24 lbs.

APRIL:

my husband turned 38

there were 6 good follicles, we got the trigger shot and were inseminated...ON my husband's birthday! happy birthday sweety! i joke that not many can say another man got me pregnant while my husband and daughter were in the room....gotta keep it light somehow right??

we found out we were pregnant on easter!!! it worked! the line was REALLY dark though, so i joked we were pregnant with triplets!

MAY:

we found out we were pregnant with not 1, not 2, not 3, but 5 babies! we had 6 sacs, and one of our babies had already passed. we were 7 weeks along.

at 8 weeks pregnant we had lost another baby and were only pregnant with 4.

at 9 weeks pregnant we had lost another baby and were now pregnant with triplets.

my daughter turned a year! a year! i can't even believe it still! she was still 24 lbs by the way, but had grown 3 inches!!!

my daughter got her 1st pool.

it was a very shocking month!

JUNE:

10 weeks pregnant and very healthy triplets was the verdict. we graduated from the fertility clinic.

11 weeks pregnant we got to see the high risk dr and talk about how things were going to go.

my daughter started sleeping through the night! that's right folks, do the math, she was 13 months old before she slept through the night...it was a long 13 months!

(notice i still haven't said my daughter started walking? nope. she was way too stubborn and lazy to start walking yet!)

my daughter went swimming every day, she is a little fish!

my daughter got her 1 year pictures done by our good friend auntie rachel.

JULY:

at 14 weeks pregnant my water broke with baby A. we were heart broken, yet prayerful.

i was put on restrictions. not a lot of walking, no lifting ANYTHING, not even a gallon of milk. not a lot of stairs, not standing for long periods of time, no cleaning....etc. this led to......

my mother moved in with us.

my husband built a bedroom in the basement.

at 15 weeks we found out we were having a girl (baby B) and a boy (baby C)!!! baby A's gender couldn't be seen because there was no fluid in the sac.

i measured at 22 weeks pregnant already, and was growing rapidly every week.

It was a month of weekly checkups for our very risky pregnancy.

my daughter started walking!!!!! she just decided one day to be bold and took off! she hasn't slowed down since!

AUGUST:

my daughter got her first haircut in a salon. she looked like such a little girl now and not my little baby anymore!

i was taking it very slow as i was very large already and i was out of breath just walking from my couch to my front door.

i was now seeing the dr every 2 weeks because there were no changes and no need to go in weekly to be disappointed.

we went to the dr at week 21 and everything looked great. it was a tuesday morning. that saturday morning at 12:30ish my life, my family's life changed for the worse, very drastically, and very quickly! you can read all about it here.

our beautiful triplets, Nathan Richard, Malia Elizabeth, and Anthony Thomas Jr, were born and died all in a matter of hours on the 28th of August.

SEPTEMBER:

kind of a blur. don't know how i got through the day to day. i don't remember much.

my daughter had her 15 month appointment, she started talking a lot and now only weighed 25 lbs. not gaining much weight, just shooting up taller and taller!

my daughter is a very picky eater, so it is a chore to find something for her to eat every day, multiple times a day.

OCTOBER:

i went back to work in the middle of october.

my daughter started coming to daycare and LOVED it.

my daughter refuses to nap at daycare still though, so i bring her home to nap and work splits on days when my husband works days.

most of the month is a blur as well.

NOVEMBER:

our first holiday without our children was quickly approaching. i was anxious and still didn't have a day that went by that i didn't break down and cry.

thanksgiving came. in-laws came over for the holiday. it was mostly stress free, but i still wish i never had to celebrate thanksgiving.

my daughter's speech is exploding and she says so many words, and seems to say a new word every day.

DECEMBER:

a LOT of anxiety.

christmas was approaching and it used to be my favorite holiday. i didn't know how i would get through it without all of my children here with me.

a lot of prayer, a lot of reading, a lot of support from my husband and close friends got me to and through christmas.

christmas came, and we had a nice relaxing couple of days of celebration. it was hard, but we did it.

Now, 2011 is about to end. it's bittersweet. i don't want the year to end. the year my oldest daughter turned 1. the year we got pregnant again. the year we gave birth to the most beautiful triplets ever. and the year we had to say goodbye to the triplets as well. i feel like if the year ends, it takes me further away from the triplets. that's not true of course, but that's how my mind and my heart are processing this new year. i have stayed distracted, my husband and i have planned a nice evening at home tonight....new years eve. i plan to go to bed long before the ball drops. and wake up tomorrow morning, in 2012, just as thankful...if not more, just as hopeful...if not more, just as faithful...if not more than i am today. it's just another day. another day closer to heaven. another day closer to seeing my beautiful children all together and playing. we are praying this year we are able to get pregnant and successfully carry this baby to term. we are praying it's a singleton pregnancy as my body is not able to handle multiples. i am hesitant to make plans, because i know the One who holds my tomorrows in His hands, and none of them are guaranteed.

Whatever this year has brought you to, or brought you from, remember the ONE who made you, and cling to Him...praise Him for the year past, as well as the year to come.

Happy New Year everyone. May the Lord bless and keep you.

trying to keep track

i was so good at journaling when i was pregnant with claire. i didn't journal at all being pregnant with the triplets. i regret that, but everyday was an adventure, good and bad, while pregnant the second time. i didn't feel like i had time to journal between working, raising a toddler, dr's a couple times a week. when claire was born, i was so good at keeping track with her baby book of all the things she did. i was so good at taking monthly pictures of her. i have so wained from all that since she turned 1. i want to keep track of everything she's doing, and i also want to use this blog as more of a journal, so for the new year, i'm going to try to write in here daily. let's see how life takes me, but i certainly will try.

everyday claire seems to be saying something new. she doesn't talk so much for others, but she doesn't stop talking while she is at home with us. she's always been shy/anxious around other people, so this isn't a surprise to me. however, just when i think that things are slowing down and i can put her baby book away, i find myself pulling it out and writing something new in it. this REALLY bothers my husband. like to the point of random snide comments about the baby book on the stairs...everyday....never getting put away. i can't help it. i don't want to miss a thing. it's not because i think she will be upset when she's older that i didn't keep track, it's more for me. to remember and savor ever moment of her life. she is such a miracle to us. from day one she has always been a miracle to us. getting pregnant was so hard, and when it happened we couldn't believe it was true. then, we thought we were going to lose her, and we prayed and went to the elders at our church, and turns out she just wanted to be difficult. we got a scare with her heart at about 19 weeks. we got another scare when she measured on every week and then suddenly a month later hadn't measured any more than the month prior. turns out, she just really, really liked my pelvis and stuck herself down there at about 32 weeks. she was just fine. we couldn't believe it. we almost had our daughter. when she came each and every milestone amazed us. we are "those" parents. we cried when she rolled over, tears of joy. we clapped and cheered, and cried tears of joy again when she crawled, walked, ate food, etc. you see the pattern here. her first words, we couldn't contain ourselves. now, with each new word, we still get so excited when she says something new. i don't think it will every end. she just amazes us.

she has so many funny little quirks, like LOVING to clean. to the point of temper tantrums when it's all clean and time to put the vacuum, swiffer, duster away. she thinks everything is "stuck" whether it is or not, if it doesn't do what she wants it to do. she learned how to fold a washcloth, and when the laundry is in a pile on the couch and i'm folding it, she finds the wash clothes and folds them for me. she runs from one end of the house to the other and back again, for minutes! tags the ottoman, then tags the kitchen cabinets, and back again. over and over again, giggling the whole way. i want to know what she is thinking. she loves the song "bringing home a baby bumblebee". she cups her hands together and swings them back and forth and says "bum bum bum" a million times a day. i'm trying to teach her new songs, it's not working. she watches something and INSTANTLY repeats it, AND remembers it from day to day. i watered the tree one day, and now every day she points to the tree and runs to the sink to get the canister we water it with. she does a TON of sign language, like putting on a coat, shoes, more, eat, drink, book, sleeping, i can't think of them all right now. she puts her finger to her lips and says "shhh" when her doggy Chief is laying down or mommy or daddy is laying down. then she runs to them and wakes whomever is sleeping up by a big kiss and hug. when she runs she sways her one arm because her one daycare teacher does that. she goes to daycare less than 10 times a year. she LOVES dancing. i mean LOVES. she does these moves like she is "raising the roof" all the time. she spins and spins and dances around on her tippy toes. she will turn on the bose radio where her cd is in and start dancing multiple times throughout the day. she likes to turn the tv off when we leave the room. her daddy loves this quality, let me tell you! she thinks every animal she sees is a doggie. we have to keep telling her there are other animals out there. she just started counting and will count to 2.

her words she says so far:

mommy

daddy

doggie

cheee (chief, her dog)

shoe

socks

shh

on

off

bye

hi

up

down

yeah

no

mine (she OFTEN puts "no mine" together! ugh)

ball

nuk

ouch

gramma

nonnie

pop

eh eh eh eh is still her favorite though! ha

alright, she's fighting me on cleaning up so we can eat lunch, so i better go for now.

Why we don't do santa

why we don't do santa

I hope you don't find this offensive or judgmental. I am only sharing this because some people don't understand why we don't do santa. As Christians we strive to live holy lives that are pleasing to the Lord. First Corinthians 10:31 says "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." I don't believe there is anything about santa that can bring glory to God.

We will tell Claire, and any of the earthly children we are blessed with, about St. Nicholas, and his story.

We are trying to teach Claire not to give in to the sinful nature - not to lie, etc. Leviticus 19:11 says "Do not steal. Do not lie. Do not deceive one another." So why would I tell her anything about santa being real? It is deceitful and a lie.

I want my children to grow up knowing God's Word and what He has done for us all. Because we all have sinned (Rom. 3:23) God had to send His own Son to die on the cross for us, to pay that penalty that we deserve. I want my children to know that Jesus was the penalty for us. How can I teach them about Jesus and also tell them about santa? How will they decipher which one is real? And why should they believe me about Jesus if I am telling them a lie about santa?

We believe that everything we have is a blessing from God, and telling our children that it is anything but that just seems like a slap in the face to Him. If we do presents on Christmas, I want them to know how special it is and not that it was because they were "good" all year but because we have been given the means to do it. I want them to be "good" based on Biblical principles, not because they think a fake man is going to get them gifts if they obey. I want them to be grateful for the abundant blessings He has poured out on us, and not become self-focused on what they did to deserve the gifts.

I want my children looking forward to Christmas each year. Not because they know they will get presents (because maybe they won't always) but because it is the birth of our Savior. We should be doing all we can to help them understand the sacrifice He made for us, which first starts with His birth...the true meaning of Christmas!

We are already talking about teaching our children how to give in the Christmas season. Our children may get a gift or 2 on Christmas, but they will be picking out gifts to give to children who need things. The money we would spend on gifts will be spent instead on donations to different organizations that help those in need around our very broken, hurting world.


Merry Christmas everyone! Let's not let the season of Christmas end just because December 25th has passed.

"Winter Snow"

Could’ve come like a mighty storm

With all the strength of a hurricane

You could’ve come like a forest fire

With the power of Heaven in Your flame

But You came like a winter snow

Quiet and soft and slow

Falling from the sky in the night

To the earth below

You could’ve swept in like a tidal wave

Or an ocean to ravish our hearts

You could have come through like a roaring flood

To wipe away the things we’ve scarred

But You came like a winter snow, yes, You did

You were quiet, You were soft and slow

Falling from the sky in the night

To the earth below

Ooh no, Your voice wasn’t in a bush burning

No, Your voice wasn’t in a rushing wind

It was still, it was small, it was hidden

Oh, You came like a winter snow

Quiet and soft and slow

Falling from the sky in the night

To the earth below

Falling, oh yeah, to the earth below

You came falling from the sky in the night

To the earth below

Audrey Assad's video

I heard this song and was instantly drawn to it. How true. In all the ways that Jesus could have entered this world, could have made His debut, He chose to come by the virgin birth in a stable far from anyone. No one but Mary and Joseph knew when it happened....well, the dirty farm animals may have had knowledge. The Lord of Lords, the King of Kings...His birthday, the day that changed this world, changed everything, started in a quiet, sacred, beautiful night. Even through His birth, He didn't use extravagant ways to grab hold of our attention. I love this about Jesus. It was even up to the people to seek Him out then. He doesn't want to push Himself on anyone. Another example we should live by.

the day after

Christmas went better than I could have hoped for. I definitely felt the prayers on our behalf. We got through it from start to finish. We enjoyed every minute we had with our daughter, opening her presents, enjoying each new toy she got, each article of clothing, each piece of wrapping paper. She did so well.

We spent Christmas eve at our home with my husband's family. We ate pasta, sauce, canoli's and Italian cookies until we couldn't move. Claire didn't know what to do when it came time to open presents. Once she opened a few, she knew what to do. She wanted to open every one's presents. Her biggest concern was the wrapping paper on the floor. She did not like that. She would stop opening presents to clean up the wrapping paper. I guess she is her mother's child!

Christmas day we had at home, by ourselves. We read the story of Jesus' birth, we ate breakfast, and then we opened presents. Claire opened all hers, and then helped Anthony and me open ours. We talked to family and just relaxed. After Claire's nap we went to my grandmother's house with my extended family. I was dreading this part. I see my extended family once a year, at Christmas. Most of them keep up with me through facebook. Most of my family doesn't share the same beliefs that my family has. I didn't know what questions to expect, what answers I would give, etc. I just wanted to get the day over with. We had a delicious meal, and shared gifts, and then we left. Driving home at my daughter's bedtime, tummy full, dark out, favorite blankie, and our daughter stayed awake the ENTIRE hour drive home. She refuses to sleep in the car. I don't understand her will to stay awake. It's amazing. We got home and she played with her toys a little more and we went to bed a little late. Anthony and I connected in bed that night, checking in how the day went. We both agreed it went well. It will never be the same again, but for what it was, it went well.

We survived our first Christmas without our complete family. Next up, tackle the new year.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas.

From our family to yours.

Merry Christmas Anthony Jr, Nathan and Malia.

Mommy, daddy, and Claire miss you so much!

I know you had an amazing Christmas in heaven this year.

christmas eve eve

i can't sleep. we went to bed around 9:30. we prayed for peace and comfort. we cried. we cried a lot. my husband is sick. he fell asleep after a while of holding each other. i laid in bed, listening to his snores. my breathing matched his. i kept thinking about the babies. are they sad their daddy is sick? are they sad that we are so sad? do they ask Jesus to comfort us? do they see how much we miss them? i was folding laundry tonight. i swear, we wear more clothes than a family of 10! while i was folding, i asked GOD if he can't tell me why this had to happen to us, then could he at least make the pain less? while playing with my daughter tonight, my big, 19 month old daughter, i asked why i couldn't be wiping their runny noses too, and tucking them into bed, and kissing their chubby thighs and poking their little bellies? GOD and i are in constant dialogue. i know he hears me. i know sometimes his answer is the silence i hear, the silence i feel. he knows that i know his heart hurts too. he knows that if it wasn't for this fallen, broken, sinful world, that our bodies wouldn't fail us. there would be no heartache, no pain, no children dying too young. no unborn babies never meeting their parents. he cries with me. i can't know on this side of heaven the reasons why. in 1corinthians 13:12 it states "now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity (talking about when we get to heaven). all that i know now is partial and incomplete, but then i will know everything completely, just as GOD now knows me completely." i can rest in that. it doesn't answer my million questions, but it helps me to know that the GOD who has all those answers knows me completely. and one day, i will know all the answers, i will understand them. i will see things clearly. it's ok for me to be upset. it's ok for me to cry out and be mad, angry, depressed, all at one time. GOD isn't offended. he reveals his word to me. he reveals his spirit to me. i am overwhelmed with peace at that moment. even if it's only for a moment. i will take as many of those as i can. i would be lying to myself, and everyone around me if i said i accepted what has happened and am moving on. i will never accept what happened. live with it? yes. i am forced to. but accept it? no. i hate satan. i hate that because of satan, this place i live in for now is filled with hurt. it's filled with broken hearted people. i hate that babies die every day. it makes me long for heaven. i can't read enough about it. i can't read enough about what the scriptures reveal it will be like. i don't know how anyone wouldn't long to be there. i do know though, that the gate is narrow, and the road difficult to travel (Matt 7:13-14). and i also know that your life is like a vapor, a fog. one minute it's here, and the next it's gone. you don't know when. you don't know why, but it's gone (james 4:14). we need to choose now who we will serve. we need to choose now where we want to spend eternity. tomorrow may not come. it didn't come for my 3 children. i made plans over the summer for christmas (or should i say lack there of) with my family. i KNEW we weren't going to celebrate as an extended family. i told everyone we weren't doing christmas. i was so wrong. i told my extended family last christmas that we'd have more children by the next time i saw them at christmas the following year. silly the plans i made. i took those days for granted. like they were entitled to me. of course "next christmas" would come. why wouldn't it? silly. especially because i know the word of GOD tells me that tomorrow isn't promised. i know what will happen to me should tomorrow not come. and i have never been more excited to get to heaven, to dwell with my maker and the children I have made with his help.

just some sentences

my daughter started coming up to us and pulling at her diaper, and telling us "poopie" or "peepee". i know i'm biased, but i think my daughter is so smart! soooo, she's getting a potty for christmas, a froggy potty. i can't wait for her to see. she is obsessed with "helping" when my husband or i go "potty". she helps to pull up her pants, and tries to help me. when anyone walks in the door, she tries to pull their coat off if they are fast enough to get it off. she then takes it from you and drags it to the coat closet. such a good little hostess! when i get the vacuum out to clean, she runs to grab hers. she follows me around the house vacuuming everywhere i do. when i turn it off to put it away, it's a 10 min tantrum complete with "no mine, no mine, no mine!" because she LOVES to clean. tonight in her bath, she noticed the freckle on her knee and tried to scratch it off saying "ut oh, ut oh" cause she thought it was dirt that needed to be washed off. i had to convince her it's part of her and show her the other freckle she has on her rib cage. she was in aw. when you don't comb or do my daughter's hair and it hangs in her face, she looks identical to her daddy's pictures when he was a toddler. when you put her hair up, especially in pigtails, she looks like my toddler pics. my daughter threw a 50 min temper tantrum tonight because she didn't want to clean up. she ended up winning. i couldn't do it anymore. i have had a splitting headache all day, and claire and anthony have been sick with fevers and a bad chest cold. i have had to take care of them, christmas shop, make a TON of gifts (bad idea to have 10 projects all going at same time to be finished by christmas) and work full time. schedules have not meshed which has stressed me out. stress and me aren't getting along. i feel like i'm on the verge of an emotional breakdown. it takes almost every ounce of my concentration to not burst out in tears throughout the day. i pray over an over again for God to be my strength. i don't want to "do" christmas this year. i don't know how i can celebrate anything without 3 of my children here with me. i am trying to be excited to celebrate christmas and the new year with claire and anthony, but i can't get past the fact that nathan, malia and anthony jr won't be here. this has been the worst year of my life. as much as i want it to end, i don't want 2012 to come. that's a conflict...and impossible. i don't want this year to end because this is the year we found out we were expecting again. this is the year my first born turned a year! this is the year i gave birth to life and death in the same day. i don't know how to do this. i don't know how to live my life without my children here. i wish there was a script. i'm trying so hard to pull myself together and live with a purpose for my daughter, my husband, my God...but man, this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

Blog Award?

UPDATE: so the links didn't work the way i researched how to do it. anyone wanna clue me in on how to do it? Told you I didn't do this blog thing for more than journaling/sharing!

Ok, so I have never done something like this...and obviously, never received an "award" before. I do this for a journal for myself, and to hopefully reach out to at least one person to show them how great our God is, and how human a "christian" is. I don't have many who read this, and if many do, they don't comment and I don't know about it. It's fun though, and so I am going to attemt to do this because who doesn't need a little fun in their lives? I sure do lately!

Heather @ A Litte Hope in My Pocket (http://alittlehopeinmypocket.blogspot.com/) nominated me for this award. Thanks Heather! Great name :o) She is a fellow babyloss mama as well as struggles with infertily and is open and blogs about her journey. She lost her son Isaac Benjamin in April of this year to a similar story to mine. Infection, premature labor, and Isaac was born alive for a short time. He is beautiful, and I know he's playing with my children in heaven right at this moment. I couldn't even tell you how I came across her blog...there are so many I found after our loss that have encouraged me and I began to follow. She has a beautiful spirit from what I can tell :o) If I never meet her on this side of heaven, I KNOW we will meet one day and spend a wonderful eternity as friends, with our beautiful babies.

So the way this award works is that those awarded tell 7 things about themselves that others may not know. Then, they pass the award onto 15 other bloggers that you want yourself and others to know more about!

7 Things you may not know about me:

1. I met my husband on MySpace (pre facebook times). After he messaged me and I was not so nice, ok, down right rude and standoffish in my reply back to him, he STILL persisted. I swore I would never do the whole "meet someone online" thing. Oh how funny God is. We met after talking back and forth on text and emails for about a month. He tried to hug me upon our first meeting, I was not such a good hug recipient then.

2. I sometimes sleep with 3 teddy bears at night. I know I'm almost 32, but my best friend gave them to me when I lost my triplets. They are the sweetest, softest, most beautiful teddy bears ever. When I miss holding my babies so bad I can feel them in my arms, I pick up the teddy bears and sqeeze them tight. They have been covered in many, many tears.

3. I am obsessed with heaven as of late. Reading every book I can get my hands on and listening intently to every sermon I find about it. It's more fascinating now than ever.

4. I LOVE Christmas, but am very adament about giving every holiday it's amble time to be celebrated, so I refuse to listen to Christmas music, or decorate for Christmas until Thanksgiving is over. EVEN though it's so tempting to cheat sometimes, my OCD won't let me! I'd tell on myself!

5. I sometimes answer my home phone the same way I answer my work phone. So much so, that one time I got so confused, I was on a tech call at home for something and in giving my phone number for them to reach me at I proceeded to give my work number. I may have work on the brain. Good thing I love my job!

6. I ONLY watch reality tv. Until this year I made the exception for "New Girl"...seriously funny show. But I can't stand sitcoms, dramas...etc (other that Friends of course!)

7. Speaking of "Friends"....I will do something sometimes, and be able to refer back to an episode of friends, like "isn't that so Joey to do?" Or "remember when they did that in the episode of Friends..." (I was tempted in my last blog post to say I felt like joey with the use of the "quotes") :o)

And now the 15 ladies I would like to nominate for the "Tell Me About Yourself Award...Your Blog is Great" are (do I even have 15 blogs I could nominate!?) All of these I follow regularly

1. 
   
   Marsha @ http://www.lifeina-town.com


2. 
   
   Becca @ http://beccalj.blogspot.com


3. 
   
   Amy @ http://cntrygirl4lf.blogspot.com


4. 
   
   Julie @ http://julievinkle.blogspot.com


5. 
   
   Crystal @ http://liamdcraig.blogspot.com


6. 
   
   Joelle @ http://thenorri.blogspot.com


7. 
   
   Kelly @ http://ktotheelly.blogspot.com


8. 
   
   Ellyn @ http://www.profoundlyseth.com


9. 
   
   Holly @ http://holly-goes-light-ly.blogspot.com


10. 
    
    Rebekah @ http://rebekahpinchback.blogspot.com


11. 
    
    Stacy @ http://sgirl79.blogspot.com


12. 
    
    Jill @ http://footprintsonourhearts.blogspot.com


13. 
    
    Rachel @ http://fotogirl14.blogspot.com


14. 
    
    Ashley @ http://thekirnancrib.blogspot.com


15. 
    
    The Slate family @ http://rylanslate.blogspot.com

Complete

Everyone is guilty of it. Everyone has said at one time or another

"life would be complete if...."

"my family would be complete if...."

"my job would be complete if...."

I am guilty of it.

Recently, I have even started thinking about how my family will never be complete again on this side of heaven. We will never be whole on this earth, there will always be 6 of our children missing (yes, I know I always talk about the triplets, but let's not forget the 3 we lost in the first 9 weeks).

Lately, I can't get the babies out of my head. Especially, the triplets. Let's face it, I knew them more than I did the other 3, I spent more time with them, I learned their personalities, I met them, held them, kissed them, listened to and felt their hearts beating. I am talking about all 6 of them in this post, even if I refer to the triplets more.

I sit at work thinking about them all day.

I go home and think about them, talk about them, show my daughter pictures of them.

I go to bed thinking of them.

I wake up thinking of them.

Is there a moment you don't think about your children? I haven't accomplished that. Even before they were in our family, I did this with my daughter Claire. I love them all with a deep love that I can't put into words, that moves me to tears.

Enough of that bunny trail. As I was saying, on my way to work the other morning I was listening to a radio station that plays Christmas music. I can't seem to remember to ever put my Christmas CD's in my car, so I'm stuck with the crappy music on the radio. A song came on, by Mariah Carey. "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)". The lyrics are as follows:

(Christmas)
The snow's coming down
(Christmas)
I'm watching it fall
(Christmas)
Lots of people around
(Christmas)
Baby please come home

(Christmas)
The church bells in town
(Christmas)
All ringing in song
(Christmas)
Full of happy sounds
(Christmas)
Baby please come home

They're singing "Deck the Halls"
But it's not like Christmas at all
Cause I remember when you were here
And all the fun we had last year

(Christmas)
Pretty lights on the tree
(Christmas)
I'm watching them shine
(Christmas)
You should be here with me
(Christmas)
Baby please come home

They're singing "Deck the Halls"
But it's not like Christmas at all
Cause I remember when you were here
And all the fun we had last year

(Christmas)
If there was a way
(Christmas)
I'd hold back this tear
(Christmas)
But it's Christmas day
(Please)
Please
(Please)
Please
(Please)
Please
(Please)
Please
Baby please come home
(Christmas)
Baby please come home

If you know me, lyrics always resonate with me. I listen to them, and sometimes they speak volumes to me, and sometimes I question who the heck wrote that and is making money from those lyrics!? This song spoke to me. Of course I want my babies home with me for Christmas, for EVERY day. So I got to thinking about how I will never have a "complete" Christmas. It didn't take long though for God to speak directly into my heart.

"Complete"....is any Christmas ever complete on this side of heaven? The Son of God was born, lived a life of persecution and abandon, and was crucified so that one day we COULD have a "complete" Christmas. We can never be complete until the day we are reunited to live with our Creator, our Savior, our King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Scripture talks about how we won't be finished masterpieces until that day comes....so why all this talk about being "complete" on this side of heaven? How silly of me. Of course it doesn't make me miss my children any less, but it does make me pause every time I start to think that life would be "complete" with them living here with us. It just can't be. Not yet.

How I long for that day! I have always been a disciple of Christ living life on earth and when Jesus returns, He returns. No biggie. Heaven will come some day. Of course I would love suffering and pain to cease, but when Jesus returns all will be well. Not anymore. I know I can't wish this life away, and believe me, it's a job in itself to not do that now, but I am more "Kingdom minded" now than ever before. I thirst to know more about heaven, to know more about what the end times will look like, to know more about how we will exist in heaven, souls, bodies, minds....what was meant for earth and what was meant for the New Earth. My heart stops when I hear sermons about heaven....I turn the t.v or radio up, I listen more intently. I read more about it. I study it. I want to be "complete". I want my "complete" family.

All that to say, life will never be "complete" on this earth. Not until Jesus returns and the New Earth begins. Until then, I have to remember, there is no place better, safer, lovelier for my 6 children than where they are right now. I long to be there, and know one day I will. I know my savior, and I know His promises to me as a child of the King. I can't wait!

I wonder

what my daughter thinks about as she lays in bed. I have been blessed with a child who loves to go to bed, and loves her crib. She sometimes picks her crib over snuggling mommy or daddy (which makes us sad). Every night, and some nap times, she will lay in her crib after her normal routine of stories, prayer, milk and snuggles and look up at the ceiling and stare. Just stare. Her eyes are wide open. She doesn't move. She doesn't play. She stares. I wonder if she's thinking about her day. I wonder if she highlights all the good parts and remembers how she felt. I wonder if she thinks about the love she is given all day, the hugs, the kisses, the "i love you's". I wonder if she thinks about what she would have done with her brothers and sister. I wonder if she thinks about the trouble she will try to get into the next day, or a new task she might try to master. I love watching her on the monitor. I wonder if when she is 12 I will still be able to watch her on the monitor, and see her staring at the ceiling at the end of the day. I wonder if she will still reflect on her day, still know how loved she is. I wonder if when I ask her "Dolly, what are you thinking when you lay in bed at night?", she will answer "I'm thinking about God, and all the love He shows me throughout the day in all the people that surround me". That's what I pray she will say, because that's what I pray she knows. Nothing but love. Nothing but a grace and peace at the end of each day. I wonder.

Support

A few weeks ago, the Saturday before Thanksgiving to be exact, I attended my very first support group. A group of women from around the Rochester area meet twice a month and "support" each other. Talk about life, experiences with the loss of their children, fears, joys, etc. I thought I might give it a try with Thanksgiving coming up and my anxieties about how I was going to handle my first holiday without 3 of my children here with me. Those who know me know that this is WAY out of my comfort zone. Who goes to meet a bunch of women they don't know to talk about the most personal, vulnerable things that could ever happen in their life....the loss of their child/ren??? Well, these women do. And, apparently, I do. It was ok. I felt pretty awkward because I just don't know that something like that is what God would use to help me. I have a fantastic group of close friends who are more like family to me. They have walked through every step of this with me, finding out I was pregnant. Then finding out there were 5 living babies inside of me, then 4, then 3. They were there when my water broke at 14 weeks with Nathan. They were there when we found out we were having 1 girl, 1 boy, and Nathan was still a mystery. They were there when I had to be on restrictions and couldn't do much at all. They were there when I went into labor, and when I gave birth to the babies, and when I had to say goodbye. They are there when I need to talk, or cry, or just be. I thought that maybe going to talk to women who had been through something similar to what I have that I wouldn't feel "wrong" for wanting to make them apart of our family even though they were not here on this earth with us anymore, or weird that I was the friend with dead children. I was wrong. I didn't need them to make me feel like my children were still here with me. I didn't need that support group to feel like I wasn't the friend that stuck out like a sore thumb when hanging out or talking about our children. The friends that I have, the friends that have been there supporting me from the beginning, they are the ones who remember my children with me, talk about them by name, and help me to still feel "normal". I may still attend some of the meetings just to connect with other women in this area, and share my story, and hope to help others who may feel like they have no one know that there is at least one person out there who would like to help them remember their child/ren they've lost, at least one person who will listen to as many stories as they want to tell about the child/ren that are no longer on this earth to create new stories.