christmas eve eve

i can't sleep. we went to bed around 9:30. we prayed for peace and comfort. we cried. we cried a lot. my husband is sick. he fell asleep after a while of holding each other. i laid in bed, listening to his snores. my breathing matched his. i kept thinking about the babies. are they sad their daddy is sick? are they sad that we are so sad? do they ask Jesus to comfort us? do they see how much we miss them? i was folding laundry tonight. i swear, we wear more clothes than a family of 10! while i was folding, i asked GOD if he can't tell me why this had to happen to us, then could he at least make the pain less? while playing with my daughter tonight, my big, 19 month old daughter, i asked why i couldn't be wiping their runny noses too, and tucking them into bed, and kissing their chubby thighs and poking their little bellies? GOD and i are in constant dialogue. i know he hears me. i know sometimes his answer is the silence i hear, the silence i feel. he knows that i know his heart hurts too. he knows that if it wasn't for this fallen, broken, sinful world, that our bodies wouldn't fail us. there would be no heartache, no pain, no children dying too young. no unborn babies never meeting their parents. he cries with me. i can't know on this side of heaven the reasons why. in 1corinthians 13:12 it states "now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity (talking about when we get to heaven). all that i know now is partial and incomplete, but then i will know everything completely, just as GOD now knows me completely." i can rest in that. it doesn't answer my million questions, but it helps me to know that the GOD who has all those answers knows me completely. and one day, i will know all the answers, i will understand them. i will see things clearly. it's ok for me to be upset. it's ok for me to cry out and be mad, angry, depressed, all at one time. GOD isn't offended. he reveals his word to me. he reveals his spirit to me. i am overwhelmed with peace at that moment. even if it's only for a moment. i will take as many of those as i can. i would be lying to myself, and everyone around me if i said i accepted what has happened and am moving on. i will never accept what happened. live with it? yes. i am forced to. but accept it? no. i hate satan. i hate that because of satan, this place i live in for now is filled with hurt. it's filled with broken hearted people. i hate that babies die every day. it makes me long for heaven. i can't read enough about it. i can't read enough about what the scriptures reveal it will be like. i don't know how anyone wouldn't long to be there. i do know though, that the gate is narrow, and the road difficult to travel (Matt 7:13-14). and i also know that your life is like a vapor, a fog. one minute it's here, and the next it's gone. you don't know when. you don't know why, but it's gone (james 4:14). we need to choose now who we will serve. we need to choose now where we want to spend eternity. tomorrow may not come. it didn't come for my 3 children. i made plans over the summer for christmas (or should i say lack there of) with my family. i KNEW we weren't going to celebrate as an extended family. i told everyone we weren't doing christmas. i was so wrong. i told my extended family last christmas that we'd have more children by the next time i saw them at christmas the following year. silly the plans i made. i took those days for granted. like they were entitled to me. of course "next christmas" would come. why wouldn't it? silly. especially because i know the word of GOD tells me that tomorrow isn't promised. i know what will happen to me should tomorrow not come. and i have never been more excited to get to heaven, to dwell with my maker and the children I have made with his help.