Goodbye

2011.

It was the worst year of my life, with some of the BEST milestones. I do hope I never have another year like it.

JANUARY:

we were in the middle of our first cycle of injectable treatments again, needles, needles, and more needles.

my daughter learned to crawl

my body produced a million follicles so we had to abandon the cycle.

FEBRUARY:

my daughters personality started to come out, we moved out of the constant fussy/crying/anxiety stage

we started another round of injectables, more needles again

my body produced a million follicles so we had to abandon the cycle.

MARCH:

I turned 31.

we started another round of injectables, with you guessed it...more needles. did i mention i HATE needles???

my body produced about 6 follicles that looked like they could develop! we pushed ahead a few more days.

my daughter started table foods and had her 9 month check up. she weighed 24 lbs.

APRIL:

my husband turned 38

there were 6 good follicles, we got the trigger shot and were inseminated...ON my husband's birthday! happy birthday sweety! i joke that not many can say another man got me pregnant while my husband and daughter were in the room....gotta keep it light somehow right??

we found out we were pregnant on easter!!! it worked! the line was REALLY dark though, so i joked we were pregnant with triplets!

MAY:

we found out we were pregnant with not 1, not 2, not 3, but 5 babies! we had 6 sacs, and one of our babies had already passed. we were 7 weeks along.

at 8 weeks pregnant we had lost another baby and were only pregnant with 4.

at 9 weeks pregnant we had lost another baby and were now pregnant with triplets.

my daughter turned a year! a year! i can't even believe it still! she was still 24 lbs by the way, but had grown 3 inches!!!

my daughter got her 1st pool.

it was a very shocking month!

JUNE:

10 weeks pregnant and very healthy triplets was the verdict. we graduated from the fertility clinic.

11 weeks pregnant we got to see the high risk dr and talk about how things were going to go.

my daughter started sleeping through the night! that's right folks, do the math, she was 13 months old before she slept through the night...it was a long 13 months!

(notice i still haven't said my daughter started walking? nope. she was way too stubborn and lazy to start walking yet!)

my daughter went swimming every day, she is a little fish!

my daughter got her 1 year pictures done by our good friend auntie rachel.

JULY:

at 14 weeks pregnant my water broke with baby A. we were heart broken, yet prayerful.

i was put on restrictions. not a lot of walking, no lifting ANYTHING, not even a gallon of milk. not a lot of stairs, not standing for long periods of time, no cleaning....etc. this led to......

my mother moved in with us.

my husband built a bedroom in the basement.

at 15 weeks we found out we were having a girl (baby B) and a boy (baby C)!!! baby A's gender couldn't be seen because there was no fluid in the sac.

i measured at 22 weeks pregnant already, and was growing rapidly every week.

It was a month of weekly checkups for our very risky pregnancy.

my daughter started walking!!!!! she just decided one day to be bold and took off! she hasn't slowed down since!

AUGUST:

my daughter got her first haircut in a salon. she looked like such a little girl now and not my little baby anymore!

i was taking it very slow as i was very large already and i was out of breath just walking from my couch to my front door.

i was now seeing the dr every 2 weeks because there were no changes and no need to go in weekly to be disappointed.

we went to the dr at week 21 and everything looked great. it was a tuesday morning. that saturday morning at 12:30ish my life, my family's life changed for the worse, very drastically, and very quickly! you can read all about it here.

our beautiful triplets, Nathan Richard, Malia Elizabeth, and Anthony Thomas Jr, were born and died all in a matter of hours on the 28th of August.

SEPTEMBER:

kind of a blur. don't know how i got through the day to day. i don't remember much.

my daughter had her 15 month appointment, she started talking a lot and now only weighed 25 lbs. not gaining much weight, just shooting up taller and taller!

my daughter is a very picky eater, so it is a chore to find something for her to eat every day, multiple times a day.

OCTOBER:

i went back to work in the middle of october.

my daughter started coming to daycare and LOVED it.

my daughter refuses to nap at daycare still though, so i bring her home to nap and work splits on days when my husband works days.

most of the month is a blur as well.

NOVEMBER:

our first holiday without our children was quickly approaching. i was anxious and still didn't have a day that went by that i didn't break down and cry.

thanksgiving came. in-laws came over for the holiday. it was mostly stress free, but i still wish i never had to celebrate thanksgiving.

my daughter's speech is exploding and she says so many words, and seems to say a new word every day.

DECEMBER:

a LOT of anxiety.

christmas was approaching and it used to be my favorite holiday. i didn't know how i would get through it without all of my children here with me.

a lot of prayer, a lot of reading, a lot of support from my husband and close friends got me to and through christmas.

christmas came, and we had a nice relaxing couple of days of celebration. it was hard, but we did it.

Now, 2011 is about to end. it's bittersweet. i don't want the year to end. the year my oldest daughter turned 1. the year we got pregnant again. the year we gave birth to the most beautiful triplets ever. and the year we had to say goodbye to the triplets as well. i feel like if the year ends, it takes me further away from the triplets. that's not true of course, but that's how my mind and my heart are processing this new year. i have stayed distracted, my husband and i have planned a nice evening at home tonight....new years eve. i plan to go to bed long before the ball drops. and wake up tomorrow morning, in 2012, just as thankful...if not more, just as hopeful...if not more, just as faithful...if not more than i am today. it's just another day. another day closer to heaven. another day closer to seeing my beautiful children all together and playing. we are praying this year we are able to get pregnant and successfully carry this baby to term. we are praying it's a singleton pregnancy as my body is not able to handle multiples. i am hesitant to make plans, because i know the One who holds my tomorrows in His hands, and none of them are guaranteed.

Whatever this year has brought you to, or brought you from, remember the ONE who made you, and cling to Him...praise Him for the year past, as well as the year to come.

Happy New Year everyone. May the Lord bless and keep you.

trying to keep track

i was so good at journaling when i was pregnant with claire. i didn't journal at all being pregnant with the triplets. i regret that, but everyday was an adventure, good and bad, while pregnant the second time. i didn't feel like i had time to journal between working, raising a toddler, dr's a couple times a week. when claire was born, i was so good at keeping track with her baby book of all the things she did. i was so good at taking monthly pictures of her. i have so wained from all that since she turned 1. i want to keep track of everything she's doing, and i also want to use this blog as more of a journal, so for the new year, i'm going to try to write in here daily. let's see how life takes me, but i certainly will try.

everyday claire seems to be saying something new. she doesn't talk so much for others, but she doesn't stop talking while she is at home with us. she's always been shy/anxious around other people, so this isn't a surprise to me. however, just when i think that things are slowing down and i can put her baby book away, i find myself pulling it out and writing something new in it. this REALLY bothers my husband. like to the point of random snide comments about the baby book on the stairs...everyday....never getting put away. i can't help it. i don't want to miss a thing. it's not because i think she will be upset when she's older that i didn't keep track, it's more for me. to remember and savor ever moment of her life. she is such a miracle to us. from day one she has always been a miracle to us. getting pregnant was so hard, and when it happened we couldn't believe it was true. then, we thought we were going to lose her, and we prayed and went to the elders at our church, and turns out she just wanted to be difficult. we got a scare with her heart at about 19 weeks. we got another scare when she measured on every week and then suddenly a month later hadn't measured any more than the month prior. turns out, she just really, really liked my pelvis and stuck herself down there at about 32 weeks. she was just fine. we couldn't believe it. we almost had our daughter. when she came each and every milestone amazed us. we are "those" parents. we cried when she rolled over, tears of joy. we clapped and cheered, and cried tears of joy again when she crawled, walked, ate food, etc. you see the pattern here. her first words, we couldn't contain ourselves. now, with each new word, we still get so excited when she says something new. i don't think it will every end. she just amazes us.

she has so many funny little quirks, like LOVING to clean. to the point of temper tantrums when it's all clean and time to put the vacuum, swiffer, duster away. she thinks everything is "stuck" whether it is or not, if it doesn't do what she wants it to do. she learned how to fold a washcloth, and when the laundry is in a pile on the couch and i'm folding it, she finds the wash clothes and folds them for me. she runs from one end of the house to the other and back again, for minutes! tags the ottoman, then tags the kitchen cabinets, and back again. over and over again, giggling the whole way. i want to know what she is thinking. she loves the song "bringing home a baby bumblebee". she cups her hands together and swings them back and forth and says "bum bum bum" a million times a day. i'm trying to teach her new songs, it's not working. she watches something and INSTANTLY repeats it, AND remembers it from day to day. i watered the tree one day, and now every day she points to the tree and runs to the sink to get the canister we water it with. she does a TON of sign language, like putting on a coat, shoes, more, eat, drink, book, sleeping, i can't think of them all right now. she puts her finger to her lips and says "shhh" when her doggy Chief is laying down or mommy or daddy is laying down. then she runs to them and wakes whomever is sleeping up by a big kiss and hug. when she runs she sways her one arm because her one daycare teacher does that. she goes to daycare less than 10 times a year. she LOVES dancing. i mean LOVES. she does these moves like she is "raising the roof" all the time. she spins and spins and dances around on her tippy toes. she will turn on the bose radio where her cd is in and start dancing multiple times throughout the day. she likes to turn the tv off when we leave the room. her daddy loves this quality, let me tell you! she thinks every animal she sees is a doggie. we have to keep telling her there are other animals out there. she just started counting and will count to 2.

her words she says so far:

mommy

daddy

doggie

cheee (chief, her dog)

shoe

socks

shh

on

off

bye

hi

up

down

yeah

no

mine (she OFTEN puts "no mine" together! ugh)

ball

nuk

ouch

gramma

nonnie

pop

eh eh eh eh is still her favorite though! ha

alright, she's fighting me on cleaning up so we can eat lunch, so i better go for now.

Why we don't do santa

why we don't do santa

I hope you don't find this offensive or judgmental. I am only sharing this because some people don't understand why we don't do santa. As Christians we strive to live holy lives that are pleasing to the Lord. First Corinthians 10:31 says "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." I don't believe there is anything about santa that can bring glory to God.

We will tell Claire, and any of the earthly children we are blessed with, about St. Nicholas, and his story.

We are trying to teach Claire not to give in to the sinful nature - not to lie, etc. Leviticus 19:11 says "Do not steal. Do not lie. Do not deceive one another." So why would I tell her anything about santa being real? It is deceitful and a lie.

I want my children to grow up knowing God's Word and what He has done for us all. Because we all have sinned (Rom. 3:23) God had to send His own Son to die on the cross for us, to pay that penalty that we deserve. I want my children to know that Jesus was the penalty for us. How can I teach them about Jesus and also tell them about santa? How will they decipher which one is real? And why should they believe me about Jesus if I am telling them a lie about santa?

We believe that everything we have is a blessing from God, and telling our children that it is anything but that just seems like a slap in the face to Him. If we do presents on Christmas, I want them to know how special it is and not that it was because they were "good" all year but because we have been given the means to do it. I want them to be "good" based on Biblical principles, not because they think a fake man is going to get them gifts if they obey. I want them to be grateful for the abundant blessings He has poured out on us, and not become self-focused on what they did to deserve the gifts.

I want my children looking forward to Christmas each year. Not because they know they will get presents (because maybe they won't always) but because it is the birth of our Savior. We should be doing all we can to help them understand the sacrifice He made for us, which first starts with His birth...the true meaning of Christmas!

We are already talking about teaching our children how to give in the Christmas season. Our children may get a gift or 2 on Christmas, but they will be picking out gifts to give to children who need things. The money we would spend on gifts will be spent instead on donations to different organizations that help those in need around our very broken, hurting world.


Merry Christmas everyone! Let's not let the season of Christmas end just because December 25th has passed.

"Winter Snow"

Could’ve come like a mighty storm

With all the strength of a hurricane

You could’ve come like a forest fire

With the power of Heaven in Your flame

But You came like a winter snow

Quiet and soft and slow

Falling from the sky in the night

To the earth below

You could’ve swept in like a tidal wave

Or an ocean to ravish our hearts

You could have come through like a roaring flood

To wipe away the things we’ve scarred

But You came like a winter snow, yes, You did

You were quiet, You were soft and slow

Falling from the sky in the night

To the earth below

Ooh no, Your voice wasn’t in a bush burning

No, Your voice wasn’t in a rushing wind

It was still, it was small, it was hidden

Oh, You came like a winter snow

Quiet and soft and slow

Falling from the sky in the night

To the earth below

Falling, oh yeah, to the earth below

You came falling from the sky in the night

To the earth below

Audrey Assad's video

I heard this song and was instantly drawn to it. How true. In all the ways that Jesus could have entered this world, could have made His debut, He chose to come by the virgin birth in a stable far from anyone. No one but Mary and Joseph knew when it happened....well, the dirty farm animals may have had knowledge. The Lord of Lords, the King of Kings...His birthday, the day that changed this world, changed everything, started in a quiet, sacred, beautiful night. Even through His birth, He didn't use extravagant ways to grab hold of our attention. I love this about Jesus. It was even up to the people to seek Him out then. He doesn't want to push Himself on anyone. Another example we should live by.

the day after

Christmas went better than I could have hoped for. I definitely felt the prayers on our behalf. We got through it from start to finish. We enjoyed every minute we had with our daughter, opening her presents, enjoying each new toy she got, each article of clothing, each piece of wrapping paper. She did so well.

We spent Christmas eve at our home with my husband's family. We ate pasta, sauce, canoli's and Italian cookies until we couldn't move. Claire didn't know what to do when it came time to open presents. Once she opened a few, she knew what to do. She wanted to open every one's presents. Her biggest concern was the wrapping paper on the floor. She did not like that. She would stop opening presents to clean up the wrapping paper. I guess she is her mother's child!

Christmas day we had at home, by ourselves. We read the story of Jesus' birth, we ate breakfast, and then we opened presents. Claire opened all hers, and then helped Anthony and me open ours. We talked to family and just relaxed. After Claire's nap we went to my grandmother's house with my extended family. I was dreading this part. I see my extended family once a year, at Christmas. Most of them keep up with me through facebook. Most of my family doesn't share the same beliefs that my family has. I didn't know what questions to expect, what answers I would give, etc. I just wanted to get the day over with. We had a delicious meal, and shared gifts, and then we left. Driving home at my daughter's bedtime, tummy full, dark out, favorite blankie, and our daughter stayed awake the ENTIRE hour drive home. She refuses to sleep in the car. I don't understand her will to stay awake. It's amazing. We got home and she played with her toys a little more and we went to bed a little late. Anthony and I connected in bed that night, checking in how the day went. We both agreed it went well. It will never be the same again, but for what it was, it went well.

We survived our first Christmas without our complete family. Next up, tackle the new year.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas.

From our family to yours.

Merry Christmas Anthony Jr, Nathan and Malia.

Mommy, daddy, and Claire miss you so much!

I know you had an amazing Christmas in heaven this year.

christmas eve eve

i can't sleep. we went to bed around 9:30. we prayed for peace and comfort. we cried. we cried a lot. my husband is sick. he fell asleep after a while of holding each other. i laid in bed, listening to his snores. my breathing matched his. i kept thinking about the babies. are they sad their daddy is sick? are they sad that we are so sad? do they ask Jesus to comfort us? do they see how much we miss them? i was folding laundry tonight. i swear, we wear more clothes than a family of 10! while i was folding, i asked GOD if he can't tell me why this had to happen to us, then could he at least make the pain less? while playing with my daughter tonight, my big, 19 month old daughter, i asked why i couldn't be wiping their runny noses too, and tucking them into bed, and kissing their chubby thighs and poking their little bellies? GOD and i are in constant dialogue. i know he hears me. i know sometimes his answer is the silence i hear, the silence i feel. he knows that i know his heart hurts too. he knows that if it wasn't for this fallen, broken, sinful world, that our bodies wouldn't fail us. there would be no heartache, no pain, no children dying too young. no unborn babies never meeting their parents. he cries with me. i can't know on this side of heaven the reasons why. in 1corinthians 13:12 it states "now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity (talking about when we get to heaven). all that i know now is partial and incomplete, but then i will know everything completely, just as GOD now knows me completely." i can rest in that. it doesn't answer my million questions, but it helps me to know that the GOD who has all those answers knows me completely. and one day, i will know all the answers, i will understand them. i will see things clearly. it's ok for me to be upset. it's ok for me to cry out and be mad, angry, depressed, all at one time. GOD isn't offended. he reveals his word to me. he reveals his spirit to me. i am overwhelmed with peace at that moment. even if it's only for a moment. i will take as many of those as i can. i would be lying to myself, and everyone around me if i said i accepted what has happened and am moving on. i will never accept what happened. live with it? yes. i am forced to. but accept it? no. i hate satan. i hate that because of satan, this place i live in for now is filled with hurt. it's filled with broken hearted people. i hate that babies die every day. it makes me long for heaven. i can't read enough about it. i can't read enough about what the scriptures reveal it will be like. i don't know how anyone wouldn't long to be there. i do know though, that the gate is narrow, and the road difficult to travel (Matt 7:13-14). and i also know that your life is like a vapor, a fog. one minute it's here, and the next it's gone. you don't know when. you don't know why, but it's gone (james 4:14). we need to choose now who we will serve. we need to choose now where we want to spend eternity. tomorrow may not come. it didn't come for my 3 children. i made plans over the summer for christmas (or should i say lack there of) with my family. i KNEW we weren't going to celebrate as an extended family. i told everyone we weren't doing christmas. i was so wrong. i told my extended family last christmas that we'd have more children by the next time i saw them at christmas the following year. silly the plans i made. i took those days for granted. like they were entitled to me. of course "next christmas" would come. why wouldn't it? silly. especially because i know the word of GOD tells me that tomorrow isn't promised. i know what will happen to me should tomorrow not come. and i have never been more excited to get to heaven, to dwell with my maker and the children I have made with his help.

just some sentences

my daughter started coming up to us and pulling at her diaper, and telling us "poopie" or "peepee". i know i'm biased, but i think my daughter is so smart! soooo, she's getting a potty for christmas, a froggy potty. i can't wait for her to see. she is obsessed with "helping" when my husband or i go "potty". she helps to pull up her pants, and tries to help me. when anyone walks in the door, she tries to pull their coat off if they are fast enough to get it off. she then takes it from you and drags it to the coat closet. such a good little hostess! when i get the vacuum out to clean, she runs to grab hers. she follows me around the house vacuuming everywhere i do. when i turn it off to put it away, it's a 10 min tantrum complete with "no mine, no mine, no mine!" because she LOVES to clean. tonight in her bath, she noticed the freckle on her knee and tried to scratch it off saying "ut oh, ut oh" cause she thought it was dirt that needed to be washed off. i had to convince her it's part of her and show her the other freckle she has on her rib cage. she was in aw. when you don't comb or do my daughter's hair and it hangs in her face, she looks identical to her daddy's pictures when he was a toddler. when you put her hair up, especially in pigtails, she looks like my toddler pics. my daughter threw a 50 min temper tantrum tonight because she didn't want to clean up. she ended up winning. i couldn't do it anymore. i have had a splitting headache all day, and claire and anthony have been sick with fevers and a bad chest cold. i have had to take care of them, christmas shop, make a TON of gifts (bad idea to have 10 projects all going at same time to be finished by christmas) and work full time. schedules have not meshed which has stressed me out. stress and me aren't getting along. i feel like i'm on the verge of an emotional breakdown. it takes almost every ounce of my concentration to not burst out in tears throughout the day. i pray over an over again for God to be my strength. i don't want to "do" christmas this year. i don't know how i can celebrate anything without 3 of my children here with me. i am trying to be excited to celebrate christmas and the new year with claire and anthony, but i can't get past the fact that nathan, malia and anthony jr won't be here. this has been the worst year of my life. as much as i want it to end, i don't want 2012 to come. that's a conflict...and impossible. i don't want this year to end because this is the year we found out we were expecting again. this is the year my first born turned a year! this is the year i gave birth to life and death in the same day. i don't know how to do this. i don't know how to live my life without my children here. i wish there was a script. i'm trying so hard to pull myself together and live with a purpose for my daughter, my husband, my God...but man, this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

Blog Award?

UPDATE: so the links didn't work the way i researched how to do it. anyone wanna clue me in on how to do it? Told you I didn't do this blog thing for more than journaling/sharing!

Ok, so I have never done something like this...and obviously, never received an "award" before. I do this for a journal for myself, and to hopefully reach out to at least one person to show them how great our God is, and how human a "christian" is. I don't have many who read this, and if many do, they don't comment and I don't know about it. It's fun though, and so I am going to attemt to do this because who doesn't need a little fun in their lives? I sure do lately!

Heather @ A Litte Hope in My Pocket (http://alittlehopeinmypocket.blogspot.com/) nominated me for this award. Thanks Heather! Great name :o) She is a fellow babyloss mama as well as struggles with infertily and is open and blogs about her journey. She lost her son Isaac Benjamin in April of this year to a similar story to mine. Infection, premature labor, and Isaac was born alive for a short time. He is beautiful, and I know he's playing with my children in heaven right at this moment. I couldn't even tell you how I came across her blog...there are so many I found after our loss that have encouraged me and I began to follow. She has a beautiful spirit from what I can tell :o) If I never meet her on this side of heaven, I KNOW we will meet one day and spend a wonderful eternity as friends, with our beautiful babies.

So the way this award works is that those awarded tell 7 things about themselves that others may not know. Then, they pass the award onto 15 other bloggers that you want yourself and others to know more about!

7 Things you may not know about me:

1. I met my husband on MySpace (pre facebook times). After he messaged me and I was not so nice, ok, down right rude and standoffish in my reply back to him, he STILL persisted. I swore I would never do the whole "meet someone online" thing. Oh how funny God is. We met after talking back and forth on text and emails for about a month. He tried to hug me upon our first meeting, I was not such a good hug recipient then.

2. I sometimes sleep with 3 teddy bears at night. I know I'm almost 32, but my best friend gave them to me when I lost my triplets. They are the sweetest, softest, most beautiful teddy bears ever. When I miss holding my babies so bad I can feel them in my arms, I pick up the teddy bears and sqeeze them tight. They have been covered in many, many tears.

3. I am obsessed with heaven as of late. Reading every book I can get my hands on and listening intently to every sermon I find about it. It's more fascinating now than ever.

4. I LOVE Christmas, but am very adament about giving every holiday it's amble time to be celebrated, so I refuse to listen to Christmas music, or decorate for Christmas until Thanksgiving is over. EVEN though it's so tempting to cheat sometimes, my OCD won't let me! I'd tell on myself!

5. I sometimes answer my home phone the same way I answer my work phone. So much so, that one time I got so confused, I was on a tech call at home for something and in giving my phone number for them to reach me at I proceeded to give my work number. I may have work on the brain. Good thing I love my job!

6. I ONLY watch reality tv. Until this year I made the exception for "New Girl"...seriously funny show. But I can't stand sitcoms, dramas...etc (other that Friends of course!)

7. Speaking of "Friends"....I will do something sometimes, and be able to refer back to an episode of friends, like "isn't that so Joey to do?" Or "remember when they did that in the episode of Friends..." (I was tempted in my last blog post to say I felt like joey with the use of the "quotes") :o)

And now the 15 ladies I would like to nominate for the "Tell Me About Yourself Award...Your Blog is Great" are (do I even have 15 blogs I could nominate!?) All of these I follow regularly

1. 
   
   Marsha @ http://www.lifeina-town.com


2. 
   
   Becca @ http://beccalj.blogspot.com


3. 
   
   Amy @ http://cntrygirl4lf.blogspot.com


4. 
   
   Julie @ http://julievinkle.blogspot.com


5. 
   
   Crystal @ http://liamdcraig.blogspot.com


6. 
   
   Joelle @ http://thenorri.blogspot.com


7. 
   
   Kelly @ http://ktotheelly.blogspot.com


8. 
   
   Ellyn @ http://www.profoundlyseth.com


9. 
   
   Holly @ http://holly-goes-light-ly.blogspot.com


10. 
    
    Rebekah @ http://rebekahpinchback.blogspot.com


11. 
    
    Stacy @ http://sgirl79.blogspot.com


12. 
    
    Jill @ http://footprintsonourhearts.blogspot.com


13. 
    
    Rachel @ http://fotogirl14.blogspot.com


14. 
    
    Ashley @ http://thekirnancrib.blogspot.com


15. 
    
    The Slate family @ http://rylanslate.blogspot.com

Complete

Everyone is guilty of it. Everyone has said at one time or another

"life would be complete if...."

"my family would be complete if...."

"my job would be complete if...."

I am guilty of it.

Recently, I have even started thinking about how my family will never be complete again on this side of heaven. We will never be whole on this earth, there will always be 6 of our children missing (yes, I know I always talk about the triplets, but let's not forget the 3 we lost in the first 9 weeks).

Lately, I can't get the babies out of my head. Especially, the triplets. Let's face it, I knew them more than I did the other 3, I spent more time with them, I learned their personalities, I met them, held them, kissed them, listened to and felt their hearts beating. I am talking about all 6 of them in this post, even if I refer to the triplets more.

I sit at work thinking about them all day.

I go home and think about them, talk about them, show my daughter pictures of them.

I go to bed thinking of them.

I wake up thinking of them.

Is there a moment you don't think about your children? I haven't accomplished that. Even before they were in our family, I did this with my daughter Claire. I love them all with a deep love that I can't put into words, that moves me to tears.

Enough of that bunny trail. As I was saying, on my way to work the other morning I was listening to a radio station that plays Christmas music. I can't seem to remember to ever put my Christmas CD's in my car, so I'm stuck with the crappy music on the radio. A song came on, by Mariah Carey. "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)". The lyrics are as follows:

(Christmas)
The snow's coming down
(Christmas)
I'm watching it fall
(Christmas)
Lots of people around
(Christmas)
Baby please come home

(Christmas)
The church bells in town
(Christmas)
All ringing in song
(Christmas)
Full of happy sounds
(Christmas)
Baby please come home

They're singing "Deck the Halls"
But it's not like Christmas at all
Cause I remember when you were here
And all the fun we had last year

(Christmas)
Pretty lights on the tree
(Christmas)
I'm watching them shine
(Christmas)
You should be here with me
(Christmas)
Baby please come home

They're singing "Deck the Halls"
But it's not like Christmas at all
Cause I remember when you were here
And all the fun we had last year

(Christmas)
If there was a way
(Christmas)
I'd hold back this tear
(Christmas)
But it's Christmas day
(Please)
Please
(Please)
Please
(Please)
Please
(Please)
Please
Baby please come home
(Christmas)
Baby please come home

If you know me, lyrics always resonate with me. I listen to them, and sometimes they speak volumes to me, and sometimes I question who the heck wrote that and is making money from those lyrics!? This song spoke to me. Of course I want my babies home with me for Christmas, for EVERY day. So I got to thinking about how I will never have a "complete" Christmas. It didn't take long though for God to speak directly into my heart.

"Complete"....is any Christmas ever complete on this side of heaven? The Son of God was born, lived a life of persecution and abandon, and was crucified so that one day we COULD have a "complete" Christmas. We can never be complete until the day we are reunited to live with our Creator, our Savior, our King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Scripture talks about how we won't be finished masterpieces until that day comes....so why all this talk about being "complete" on this side of heaven? How silly of me. Of course it doesn't make me miss my children any less, but it does make me pause every time I start to think that life would be "complete" with them living here with us. It just can't be. Not yet.

How I long for that day! I have always been a disciple of Christ living life on earth and when Jesus returns, He returns. No biggie. Heaven will come some day. Of course I would love suffering and pain to cease, but when Jesus returns all will be well. Not anymore. I know I can't wish this life away, and believe me, it's a job in itself to not do that now, but I am more "Kingdom minded" now than ever before. I thirst to know more about heaven, to know more about what the end times will look like, to know more about how we will exist in heaven, souls, bodies, minds....what was meant for earth and what was meant for the New Earth. My heart stops when I hear sermons about heaven....I turn the t.v or radio up, I listen more intently. I read more about it. I study it. I want to be "complete". I want my "complete" family.

All that to say, life will never be "complete" on this earth. Not until Jesus returns and the New Earth begins. Until then, I have to remember, there is no place better, safer, lovelier for my 6 children than where they are right now. I long to be there, and know one day I will. I know my savior, and I know His promises to me as a child of the King. I can't wait!

I wonder

what my daughter thinks about as she lays in bed. I have been blessed with a child who loves to go to bed, and loves her crib. She sometimes picks her crib over snuggling mommy or daddy (which makes us sad). Every night, and some nap times, she will lay in her crib after her normal routine of stories, prayer, milk and snuggles and look up at the ceiling and stare. Just stare. Her eyes are wide open. She doesn't move. She doesn't play. She stares. I wonder if she's thinking about her day. I wonder if she highlights all the good parts and remembers how she felt. I wonder if she thinks about the love she is given all day, the hugs, the kisses, the "i love you's". I wonder if she thinks about what she would have done with her brothers and sister. I wonder if she thinks about the trouble she will try to get into the next day, or a new task she might try to master. I love watching her on the monitor. I wonder if when she is 12 I will still be able to watch her on the monitor, and see her staring at the ceiling at the end of the day. I wonder if she will still reflect on her day, still know how loved she is. I wonder if when I ask her "Dolly, what are you thinking when you lay in bed at night?", she will answer "I'm thinking about God, and all the love He shows me throughout the day in all the people that surround me". That's what I pray she will say, because that's what I pray she knows. Nothing but love. Nothing but a grace and peace at the end of each day. I wonder.

Support

A few weeks ago, the Saturday before Thanksgiving to be exact, I attended my very first support group. A group of women from around the Rochester area meet twice a month and "support" each other. Talk about life, experiences with the loss of their children, fears, joys, etc. I thought I might give it a try with Thanksgiving coming up and my anxieties about how I was going to handle my first holiday without 3 of my children here with me. Those who know me know that this is WAY out of my comfort zone. Who goes to meet a bunch of women they don't know to talk about the most personal, vulnerable things that could ever happen in their life....the loss of their child/ren??? Well, these women do. And, apparently, I do. It was ok. I felt pretty awkward because I just don't know that something like that is what God would use to help me. I have a fantastic group of close friends who are more like family to me. They have walked through every step of this with me, finding out I was pregnant. Then finding out there were 5 living babies inside of me, then 4, then 3. They were there when my water broke at 14 weeks with Nathan. They were there when we found out we were having 1 girl, 1 boy, and Nathan was still a mystery. They were there when I had to be on restrictions and couldn't do much at all. They were there when I went into labor, and when I gave birth to the babies, and when I had to say goodbye. They are there when I need to talk, or cry, or just be. I thought that maybe going to talk to women who had been through something similar to what I have that I wouldn't feel "wrong" for wanting to make them apart of our family even though they were not here on this earth with us anymore, or weird that I was the friend with dead children. I was wrong. I didn't need them to make me feel like my children were still here with me. I didn't need that support group to feel like I wasn't the friend that stuck out like a sore thumb when hanging out or talking about our children. The friends that I have, the friends that have been there supporting me from the beginning, they are the ones who remember my children with me, talk about them by name, and help me to still feel "normal". I may still attend some of the meetings just to connect with other women in this area, and share my story, and hope to help others who may feel like they have no one know that there is at least one person out there who would like to help them remember their child/ren they've lost, at least one person who will listen to as many stories as they want to tell about the child/ren that are no longer on this earth to create new stories.

Thanksgiving

I'm not so sure how I feel about celebrating with extended family tomorrow. Originally, we were planning on either being on bed rest, or having preemie newborns. We weren't planning on doing Thanksgiving. It becomes an unnecessarily stressful holiday when there are too many cooks in the kitchen. My mother-in-law decided to come into town. Ok, so we'll do Thanksgiving with my husband's side of the family. Then, the husband decides he wants to do EVERYTHING. This is no longer a stress-free holiday. I am trying to roll with the punches, but it's not easy. Plans change every 10 minutes, and I'm anxious enough. I don't want to be around anybody, but if I have to be, I need stability. I need a constant. I need familiarity. I need support, I need gentleness, and I need a spirit of encouragement and love, not sarcasm, insults, and "joking". It's not the time for it. Not this year. I'm trying with every fiber of my being to be thankful for so many things this year. It's so easy to go into default mode and be bitter, angry, sad. I don't want to be there, but it takes work. And it takes a very peaceful environment. So far, not working. I am praying for peace, almost every second. Tomorrow can't get over fast enough. I just want to sit in a room with my daughter and watch the parade. No interruptions, no nonsense. And when it's over, go to sleep. Think that could happen? Doubtful.

dr's

the official report is that the spot on my uterus is embedded in my lining, it's about the size of my nose ring. It has shrunk even since last Thursday when they originally found it. My high risk OB said it's most likely left over placenta that was so hard they couldn't get it. He says it ok to be in there, won't cause harm, will eventually come out, and as long as I don't start bleeding again uncontrollably, we are all set to continue in trying to get pregnant again. It won't hurt anything. Very happy to hear all that.

My Firstborn

My daughter is hilarious. AND she knows it. She counts it her job to make my husband and I laugh. Now, it's super funny, later, I'm afraid not so much. Even when I give her my stern "I'm serious" face after reprimanding her, she will look at me for a second, cock her head to the side, smile ridiculously big, and start giggling and twirling....like a "look at me mommy, I'm so funny and cute, you can't POSSIBLY be mad at me!" look. It gets us every time. My husband and I will just look at each other and whisper "darn her cuteness!". I always tell her, "You can get away with this now Claire, but I'm afraid you will get yourself into trouble later!" That's her gift though. Making people laugh. It seems like ever since we came home from the hospital without the triplets, she's made it her job. Don't get me wrong. She has ALWAYS been the cutest and has always been a pretty funny character, but she didn't consider it her job like she does now. I love this trait about her. She is the most sensitive little girl you will ever meet. She can sense a mood and know exactly what to do to lighten it. She has always been sensitive, since birth. At one time, my husband and I actually hoped she would grow out of it. Now, I am thankful God didn't answer that prayer! It is a beautiful part of who she is. When I am upset, she runs to me, hugs me, and "talks" to me, trying to make me smile or laugh. When my husband playfully "attacks" me, or hugs me or touches me at all, she will run over and with a concerned look on her face to make sure I am ok, sometimes starting to cry because she thinks I'm hurt. She is so incredibly sensitive. She is such a gift, in every sense of the word. I am so blessed and honored to have her here with me on this earth. I am so blessed and honored to be her mommy. I am grateful God has given her to me as my first born. Our family just wouldn't be the same without her. God has used her to help in our healing through our loss, and I can't wait to see how He uses her in the future. I know her purpose is great.

On a side note, this morning as I was getting ready in my room, Claire was walking around the upstairs giggling and dragging around her big, fluffy, brown blanket. She came into my bedroom and dropped the blanket. With her hand up above her head pointed down, she started to command her blanket "down! down! down!" over and over again. See, she does this with her dog all the time because she sees my husband and I say it to the dog. She is bossy like that. Even when he IS down, she commands him "down!". I couldn't stop laughing. She is hilarious!

venting...

and may be TMI. It never ends. Every day is a battle of the wills for me to get out of bed and choose life, joy, healing. Each day is a little easier, sometimes there are setbacks, but mostly, time seems to actually heal a little. It will be 11 weeks this Sunday since I had the babies. I have been bleeding on and off ever since I had the babies. When I had Claire, it lasted maybe 2 - 3 weeks. So, to my surprise, it has pretty much been constant for the 6 weeks, then 8 weeks.....I called my dr. The nurse said sometimes women will bleed for a few weeks after the 6 week mark, and to call back if it continued much longer. It was on and off again for the next few weeks. I called my dr yesterday because it's now just officially a nuisance. One minute I will think I am all done, and then next I'm apparently not. They wanted me to come right in for an ultrasound to make sure that I didn't still have placenta left over. It was highly unlikely since I had to have a D&C after the babies were born, but something was causing this. The dr's office said they were hoping to call me by the end of the day with a preliminary report. I can pretty much give myself an ultrasound and know exactly what I'm looking at I have had so many. I saw my ovaries, looked normal to me. I even saw a follicle on each of them. The follicle's actually looked pretty big too! I got excited about that! Then, while measuring my lining, and my uterus, I saw a bright white spot in the middle of my uterus. I have never before seen anything like that on an ultrasound before. I didn't know what it could be, or if it was anything at all. The tech finished the ultrasound, and I left the office. I got home and the dr was already calling to let me know the prelim looked normal so to just call if it kept up much longer. I was hopeful about the follicles, and figured I would wait til early next week and call back if I was still bleeding. I figured my uterus went through something so traumatic, that apparently, this was normal. Plus, I had triplets, lots more hormones right? So I thought. This afternoon while I was at work, my dr called me. She wasn't working today, so she called me from home. She has done this many times, even to just check on me. She is THE best OB/GYN! She told me that there was a 5mm spot on my uterus, it was the bright white spot I had seen on the ultrasound. She talked it over with our high risk OB/GYN, and they didn't think it could possibly be left over placenta because of the D&C. They were very thorough. She said it could be placenta, or a fibroid, or something else. What exactly would "something else" mean? Who knows. She said normally, she wouldn't even bother with something so small if it was placenta, but because I'm still bleeding, it's not normal. She also thinks, if it was placenta, I should have an infection. I am not showing signs of an infection that I can tell. That scares me. I didn't show signs of an infection when I ended up in the hospital giving birth to my triplets either. I don't tend to get fevers, and body aches, etc are normal for me...plus I just got diagnosed with strep after wondering for a month if I had it. My dr went on to say they want me to go in for a repeat ultrasound and a histogram (not sure of the spelling or pronunciation of that word). She said they will insert a catheter and put some fluid in my uterus to distend it and make it easier to see what is inside. She said it will be uncomfortable. I was upset. I called my husband to let him know. He responded with "it never ends does it?" I was more upset. My body just keeps failing me, and though it makes me upset, I can handle it. It's just me. But I can tell that my body failing upsets my husband and failing my husband makes me even more upset. I was hoping we were on the road to being able to get pregnant again soon. I was wrong. I just want this nightmare to end. Isn't it enough that my body couldn't carry the triplets long enough? Isn't it enough that I have 3 urns reminding me every day that I have 3 children in heaven because of this? Isn't it enough that I have had to bleed for 11 weeks? I am praying it's just a piece of placenta. I am also praying this doesn't cause any harm in our future of trying again. I am praying that I wake up from this constant state of failing. I'm not good at failing. I never have been.

and....that's my vent. Now I'm off to sleep this exhaustion off. Hope I wake up and won't be bleeding anymore!

"Courageous"...caution, spoiler alert...

We saw the movie "Courageous" last night, my husband and I. It was my idea. I didn't read what the movie was about, I just knew that it was a message that I would agree with, being a movie written from a godly perspective. Bad idea. Really, really bad idea. Let me start at the beginning. Awhile ago, my husband and I had seen an episode of "19 Kids and Counting" where they were extras in a movie called "Courageous" that was a christian based movie. My husband had said he would like to see that movie. Apparently, at one point he had seen a preview that it was about police men, and he mentioned to my cousin (who is a police officer) that he should watch it, he might really like it. That was the end of that. We had a toddler at home who refused anyone but grandma to watch her, and we had triplets on the way, which meant I could barely walk around my house without getting incredibly tired and winded and sore. We weren't going to go sit in a theatre where I would be incredibly uncomfortable. Sitting isn't really an option when there isn't enough room to have a right angle between your legs and your belly anyways. We were going to wait for it to come out on video. The end. Except it wasn't. You know how that ended.

So when my mom called over the weekend saying she didn't have to work Tuesday and would like to come out to spend the day with Claire, I jumped at the fact of being able to have a date with my husband Monday night. We have had gift cards to the Regal for almost a year now. 2 of them. Free date, free snacks. Absolutely perfect. I looked up movies and NOT to my surprise, there wasn't anything my husband and I would like to see. Everything had adultery, or explicit language, etc. I saw "Courageous", I remembered Anthony saying he wanted to see it, it was playing at a time we could go, a date! So we decided we would do that. Never had time to look up the movie after that, hoping the times didn't change we went to the movie last night. Obviously, a low budget film, but a wonderful message and a wonderful movie.

As that is said though, we were totally unprepared for one of the main events of the movie. The family, while not perfect, but a family just the same, went about daily life taking everything for granted. Much like my family up until 10 weeks and 2 days ago. The family in this movie lost their daughter tragically. Bam. Like I was punched in the stomach. I felt the pain of the family in this movie. I knew their thoughts, I knew their struggles in that moment, and in the moments to come. I couldn't stop the tears, and maybe my husband won't like me to admit this, but neither could he. A father lost his daughter in this movie. My husband lost a daughter...and 2 sons. A mother lost her daughter in this movie. I lost my daughter...and my 2 sons. A brother lost his sister in this movie. My daughter lost her sister...and 2 brothers. This family was changed, and had to rely on God to show them how to live again. As did we. They could have stayed angry, refused to learn what God would show them through this tragedy, and grow more and more bitter. Instead, they reached into the deepest parts of their being, and relied fully on the mercy of their Savior to guide them down the path of healing, and wholeness. To guide them to a place where they felt life would be ok again, never the same, but ok again. They allowed God to touch them in their mourning, and in that became stronger, more faithful, more compassionate, and more understanding people. My family is still learning. We are trying to do the same.

This movie shook me. I wanted to make sure I didn't stay in one place too long. I want God to constantly mold my heart to look more like His. I want to not take one single second for granted. Not one single painful second. Whether it's bad behavior in my daughter, whether she doesn't sleep or eat, or whether she whines all day long, I want to be thankful that she's here with me to do those things. We may be missing a huge part of our family, but it doesn't mean we can't still be a family. Things could have turned out way different. We could have chosen the path to stay angry and bitter. To turn from the God who created our innermost beings. We didn't though. Thank the Lord! I don't want to know what that black hole would feel like. I felt like I had been in a part of that black hole for a while after we lost the triplets (by the way, I HATE that terminology. I didn't lose my children. I know right where they are. I have known right where they were their entire lives. I wish there was different way of saying that! Alright, enough of that bunny trail. That could be a post all in itself!). I couldn't imagine staying there.

I also took something away from the movie though. I learned that I can't just look at what I will miss out on Anthony Jr's, Malia's and Nathan's lives. I have to be thankful every day for what I did get to experience with them, and the time I did have with them. It's hard being so short, but the details of when they were inside of me, and the breaths I got to see and feel them take outside of my womb are things some people never get to experience. I am thankful for that. Nathan was a fighter, and was anxious to meet the world. Malia couldn't sit still, but had such a peace and gentleness on her face when she was born. Anthony Jr seems so calm and relaxed while inside, except the techs always said he never stopped kicking his sister. He wanted more room for himself. He refused to come out after his brother and sister left my womb. They had to burst his sac because he refused to leave it. I think he was enjoying a few minutes to himself inside. He came out with such a coy smile on his face, and his hand and arm resting, relaxed behind his head. I want to hang on to those little pieces of their personalities forever. Never forgetting. It could have ended in the beginning with their other 3 siblings we never got to meet that we lost so early on. Instead, we got to know the triplets, and I am so thankful for those little glimpses we had.

All this to say, read the premise of the movie before you go see it. It could save you a lot of tears, and heartache, and reliving moments of your life you would rather not. At the same time, it could teach you more about your heart than you thought your heart was capable of learning.

and so on and so forth

a debbie downer post, i realize. this is my journal, and just wanted to get this all out. you can always skip over this and wait for an upbeat post...


it's hard to breath tonight. i started searching for ornaments and stockings for the triplets for this Christmas, and it's been downhill ever since. i can't get past the fact that each moment i live in each day, it's without 3 of my children that should be here with me. i should be waking up in the night, i should be exhausted from the demanding schedule of 3 infants and a toddler. i shouldn't have time to do all this baking and crafting. one minute i try to just forget about it all, but there is no forgetting. there is no "getting over this". i have to function for my husband, for my daughter, but today, not much of me wants to do anything but lay in a ball in my bed. today is hard. 9 weeks ago ...will i always count the weeks? the days? the months? i was laying in the hospital bed feeling anthony and malia kicking and twirling. not a care in the world. they had no idea what was going to happen in less than 10 hours. they had no idea. i tried to tell them, while i was laying in that bed. i tried to apologize, and tell them i wish there was another way, i wish this didn't have to be. i know they heard me, i hope they understood me. God was with us. He was in our room. we could sense His Presence. i was praying for a miracle, a way out. each time they kicked, each time they rolled around inside of me, i cried. they were alive. they were safe. they were supposed to be here in time for Christmas. we were supposed to be a quiet family at home for Christmas. just anthony, claire, me, nathan, malia and anthony jr. now we have to "pretend" through this holiday season. i knew it was going to be hard, but i prayed it would be doable. after today, such a small task, so far away from the actual holidays...i am not so sure. i don't want to be around anyone but my husband and daughter. honestly, i don't even know if i will be able to hold myself together. thank God my husband is home this year for those holidays.

claire and i went shopping this morning, grabbed McDonald's for lunch, she napped, i looked for ornaments and cried. we had a lot of cuddling after nap, a lot of puzzles, and reading, and tickling, and laughing. a lot of "normal". she ate dinner while i did laundry and dishes. she took a bath, went to bed, and i baked cookies while crying. that's the new "normal". i cry a lot. i just have to do it when i don't have to be "mom", or "employee", or even sometimes "wife". most days are ok, i can get by, i can feel sad, but thankful that i had the time with them that i did. then there are days that i don't know how i am going to get from moment to moment, i gasp for air, and can't stop crying. i get angry about how we am supposed to be living this life with 4 beautiful children along side us, but we're not. and it's hard. it's more than hard. the Christmas season is supposed to be full of joy and love and peace, and i'm just not sure how to push out the sadness so that i can fill up with those things right now.

Family day...

We went to Stokoe Farms Saturday morning. We made sure to be there right at 10am when they opened because we knew we would need to leave at lunch time to get Claire home for her nap. We hit everything we could in that time, and Claire loved it all. We started out on the big slide. Daddy took her down that so I could take lots of pictures. We went to see the animals, and watch the hen show. She was totally enamored by those hens and their singing. It was adorable! We then went over to the "fun barn" and Claire played in the corn pit. She absolutely loved it. She was smiling ear to ear (pun intended). We then took the hayride to pick out pumpkins and stopped at the tricycle racing course. Daddy pedaled on the family bike while Claire and I just enjoyed the ride. She happily ate her snack and drank her water while daddy weaved all over the course. In the pumpkin patch she tried to pick up all the pumpkins, even the ones as big as she was. After falling many times in the mud, we decided it would be better to pick out the nice clean pumpkins at the entrance to the farm. We stopped at the corn maze, and she thought it was such a blast. She would run up and down the trails, I would hide and jump out of the corn at her. I have never heard her giggle so much in my life! It made my day to know she enjoyed her time there so much, and the memories we made as a family are just indescribable. Back on our hayride we went to pick out Claire's pumpkin. After a few more pics in the pumpkin bins, losing a boot, and lots more smiles Claire picked out her pumpkin and pumpkins for the triplets. It was closing in on lunch time, so we checked out and went to the truck to eat lunch. She was so exhausted, her eyes kept crossing she was trying so hard to stay awake. It was one of the most amazing days I have had in a really long time. Now to choose what pics to post...sooo hard! They are all so cute...

Why...

Why? Trusting God When You Don't Understand
by Anne Graham Lotz


This is what I am currently reading. I haven't had time to read in a very long time, and I really used to enjoy it. A friend offered to lend me this book after reading one of my blogs. I took her up on that offer. Sunday morning, 8 weeks after I delivered my triplets, I sat down and started to read this book. While I argued a little in my head over some of the statements in the book, like how could they possibly group me in the category they would be talking about...how could losing 3 children be grouped with financial troubles, losing a house, being terribly ill, divorce, etc? I will stand before ANYONE and argue that losing a child, 3 children, suddenly, tragically, is the most horrific thing in the world. I struggled chapter after chapter trying to find a common thread, a meaningful sentence, something to grasp a hold of to help me better understand "why" this had to happen when we prayed the exact opposite for 22 weeks.

"Could it be God has given you a platform of suffering from which you can be a witness of His power and grace to those who are watching? Because...
if we always feel good,
and look good,
and lead a good life...
if our kids always behave,
and our boss is always pleased,
and our home is always orderly,
and our friends are always available,
and our bank account is always sufficient,
and our car always starts,
and our body always feels good...
if we are patient,
and kind,
and thoughtful,
and happy,
and loving,
others shrug--because they're capable of being that way, too,
when everything goes right.

On the other hand...
if we have a splitting headache,
the kids are screaming,
the phone is ringing,
the boss is yelling, and
the supper is burning,
yet we are still patient,
kind,
thoughtful,
happy,
and loving...
the world sits up and takes notice. The world knows that kind of behavior is not natural. It's supernatural. And the glory of Jesus is revealed in us!"

I found it.

Even though I would give anything to have my children here again with me. Even though I carnally can't ever make the decision to allow my children to die so that someone else may have a chance at eternal life.

I found a reason that I can continue in the hope of eternity, and being with my children again. God doesn't have to give me a reason. He doesn't answer to me. If He never wanted to reveal His plan to me as to "why" this all had to happen the way it did. He does. Because He loves me.

Now, I don't believe God "took" my babies from me to prove a point to this world, or to me, or to my family. I do believe that terrible things happen, and sometimes, God chooses to step in and intervene, and sometimes, He chooses to let them happen. He sees the bigger picture. I can't see it. I don't have the capabilities to see it. Not now, possibly not until I get to heaven and see my children and my Creator. I trust though, even when I don't know why. And just like Anne says in her book, I trust because God knows why, and has far greater miracles than I can ever imagine.

"A dream of heaven"

I was giving my daughter a bath tonight. We read scriptures over her or read her a story from her bible every night while she is taking a bath. She was particularly ornery tonight. She didn't sleep too well last night, nor did she take an excellent nap today, and I was pushing it because it was already past her bedtime. We were out late visiting a friend. If you can call 7pm late. On a Friday night. So, back to my point. Did I state my point yet? Her bible. The story we were reading tonight. "A dream of heaven". John sees into the future, from Revelation 1, 5, 21, 22. I had to read quickly and quite exaggeratedly to keep her attention. An exert from this story reads as follows:

"I see a throne. And on the throne is a king. And the King is Jesus.
All around the throne people are bowing down. They are giving him their treasures.

There are loud cheers and clapping, clapping and bright laughter like a thousand waterfalls and everyone bursts out singing a new song...

'This is our King! The Lamb who died, so we don't have to - our Rescuer. All Honor and Glory! Forever and ever.'

And every creature everywhere, in heaven and on earth and under the earth and in the sea, joins in.

And then,
From all around
A wide
Immense
Beautiful
S I L E N C E

And I see Satan - God's horrible enemy - thrown down, defeated.

I see a sparkling city shimmering in the sky:
glittering, glowing - coming down!
From heaven.
And from the sky.
Heaven is coming down to earth!

God's city is beautiful. Walls of topaz, jasper, sapphire. Wide streets paved with gold. Gleaming pearl gates that are never locked shut.

Where is the sun? Where is the moon?
They aren't needed anymore. God is all the Light people need. No more darkness!
No more night!

And the King says, 'Look! God and his children are together again. No more running away. Or hiding. No more crying or being lonely or afraid. No more being sick or dying. Because all those things are gone. Yes, they're gone forever. Everything sad has come untrue. And see - I have wiped away every tear from every eye!'

And then a deep, beautiful voice that sounded like thunder in the sky says, 'Look, I am making everything new!' "


I cried. I looked at my daughter, "Claire, your sister and brothers, they are there. They see these things. They hear these things. Malia, Nathan and Anthony Jr are cheering and clapping and singing. They get to never be afraid or sick or lonely. They are made new." She looked at me like she knew what I was explaining to her...or maybe with concern because I was crying during her bath time. I don't care. I want to tell her about her siblings and where they are. Every day. I want to picture them in this place described in the bible. In heaven. With the King. With the Lamb of God. With each other. Waiting. I can't wait to see them again. I can't wait to hold them in my arms again when I get to this glorious place. I trust. I have faith. Even when I don't want to. I wait. And Claire WILL know about this trust, this faith. This place her siblings are, and how there's only one way to get there. I think she will chose the narrow path though. Because she smiles when I tell her about Jesus, when I tell her about how Malia, Anthony Jr, and Nathan are with Him. And how we will get to be someday too.

Every night I stop in front of their shelf. I touch their footprints, I pray "God, please let my babies come to me in my dreams!" They haven't yet. Maybe for reasons God only knows, maybe because they are busy cheering and clapping and singing a new song. I can't wait to be there someday too!

picture picture

pictures are long overdue on my blog. it's mostly just been ideas and thoughts. so here are a few pictures from our last few weeks/months. wow...it's been almost 2 months, yet seems like just yesterday...

Nathan Richard

Malia Elizabeth

Anthony Jr

my baby got to come visit me at the hospital the day the babies were born

my beauty and her best friend

our day at springdale...she was sooo nervous to touch them. it was so funny!

i have tons more photos...but i'll digress for now.