venting...

and may be TMI. It never ends. Every day is a battle of the wills for me to get out of bed and choose life, joy, healing. Each day is a little easier, sometimes there are setbacks, but mostly, time seems to actually heal a little. It will be 11 weeks this Sunday since I had the babies. I have been bleeding on and off ever since I had the babies. When I had Claire, it lasted maybe 2 - 3 weeks. So, to my surprise, it has pretty much been constant for the 6 weeks, then 8 weeks.....I called my dr. The nurse said sometimes women will bleed for a few weeks after the 6 week mark, and to call back if it continued much longer. It was on and off again for the next few weeks. I called my dr yesterday because it's now just officially a nuisance. One minute I will think I am all done, and then next I'm apparently not. They wanted me to come right in for an ultrasound to make sure that I didn't still have placenta left over. It was highly unlikely since I had to have a D&C after the babies were born, but something was causing this. The dr's office said they were hoping to call me by the end of the day with a preliminary report. I can pretty much give myself an ultrasound and know exactly what I'm looking at I have had so many. I saw my ovaries, looked normal to me. I even saw a follicle on each of them. The follicle's actually looked pretty big too! I got excited about that! Then, while measuring my lining, and my uterus, I saw a bright white spot in the middle of my uterus. I have never before seen anything like that on an ultrasound before. I didn't know what it could be, or if it was anything at all. The tech finished the ultrasound, and I left the office. I got home and the dr was already calling to let me know the prelim looked normal so to just call if it kept up much longer. I was hopeful about the follicles, and figured I would wait til early next week and call back if I was still bleeding. I figured my uterus went through something so traumatic, that apparently, this was normal. Plus, I had triplets, lots more hormones right? So I thought. This afternoon while I was at work, my dr called me. She wasn't working today, so she called me from home. She has done this many times, even to just check on me. She is THE best OB/GYN! She told me that there was a 5mm spot on my uterus, it was the bright white spot I had seen on the ultrasound. She talked it over with our high risk OB/GYN, and they didn't think it could possibly be left over placenta because of the D&C. They were very thorough. She said it could be placenta, or a fibroid, or something else. What exactly would "something else" mean? Who knows. She said normally, she wouldn't even bother with something so small if it was placenta, but because I'm still bleeding, it's not normal. She also thinks, if it was placenta, I should have an infection. I am not showing signs of an infection that I can tell. That scares me. I didn't show signs of an infection when I ended up in the hospital giving birth to my triplets either. I don't tend to get fevers, and body aches, etc are normal for me...plus I just got diagnosed with strep after wondering for a month if I had it. My dr went on to say they want me to go in for a repeat ultrasound and a histogram (not sure of the spelling or pronunciation of that word). She said they will insert a catheter and put some fluid in my uterus to distend it and make it easier to see what is inside. She said it will be uncomfortable. I was upset. I called my husband to let him know. He responded with "it never ends does it?" I was more upset. My body just keeps failing me, and though it makes me upset, I can handle it. It's just me. But I can tell that my body failing upsets my husband and failing my husband makes me even more upset. I was hoping we were on the road to being able to get pregnant again soon. I was wrong. I just want this nightmare to end. Isn't it enough that my body couldn't carry the triplets long enough? Isn't it enough that I have 3 urns reminding me every day that I have 3 children in heaven because of this? Isn't it enough that I have had to bleed for 11 weeks? I am praying it's just a piece of placenta. I am also praying this doesn't cause any harm in our future of trying again. I am praying that I wake up from this constant state of failing. I'm not good at failing. I never have been.

and....that's my vent. Now I'm off to sleep this exhaustion off. Hope I wake up and won't be bleeding anymore!