2012

seems to be the thing to do. to recap the year. and to do it on my computer! hooray for husbands who replace hard drives! boo for husbands who clean computers with soaking wet clorox wipes because they are germaphobes!

ok, our 2012 in a recap:

we started out the year trying to get pregnant. it took many, many, many tries. so over hormones and shots and blood draws, and weekly dr appointments!

i was on a panel of mom's to talk about being a mother to children on earth as well as in heaven. it was an honor and a privilege, and i would take any moment i could to talk about my children. all of them. even if it was the most difficult thing i had done since having to say goodbye to them last year.

we finally got pregnant at the end of May! hooray! let the scared, anxious, guilt ridden pregnancy begin. we had many scares at the beginning, many reasons to believe we had lost this child. many dr appointments to show that our God is still a good God, and can still perform miracles.

our daughter turned 2. i can't believe i have a 2 yr old. it was a crazy 2 years, a hard 2 years, and an eventful 2 years, but we made it. she is the smartest, most beautiful, most sassy little miss i have ever known. i can't even imagine who she will grow up to be. i never thought her personality now would be her personality. we are beyond blessed with her as our first miracle.

we did our first annual walk with Stroll for Strong in honor of the triplets, and to raise money for the amazing hospital that took such wonderful care of my children and me. it's a tradition we are sure to do every year we can.

we celebrated the triplet's 1st birthday. we weren't sure how to do this, and we weren't sure we would make it through, but we did. it was beautiful. nothing i could have ever imagined. how can you imagine something like that anyways!? we had a wonderful day as a family celebrating together. first stop was Strong Museum with the big sister. then we went out to lunch. then we came home for nap time and after nap had a nice dinner. my mother stopped over so she joined in. people sent beautiful gifts. then we went to sing happy birthday and eat cupcakes on the front lawn with their memorial stone. we played outside until it was time for bed. we snuggled together as a family, we cried, we remembered every detail of Nathan, Malia and Anthony Jr. it was a beautiful, beautiful day.

we found out we were having another boy!

a great friend of mine wrote a blog about motherhood and featured our family in it. again, another honor and privilege. another moment to talk about my children.

we celebrated a second round of holidays without half of our family. it was just as hard as the first round. holiday's are overrated. i really think i may bow out next year. my husband worked for christmas, so most of the day it was just me and claire. she was sick. very sick. so we ran on a few hours of sleep and then had to host family at our house both days while anthony didn't get home from work until after 5. not cool. not cool at all. but we did it with a smile on our faces. lesson learned. next time, i refuse to be pressured into celebrating the holidays with everyone just because they want to.

which brings us to new years eve. anthony is working nights, as per usual. i haven't seen the ball drop in years though, and so i'm not about to start a new tradition now. especially after claire woke me up for a few hours in the middle of the night and i didn't get to take a nap. i'm just about ready to go to bed. really excited about my bed.

while 2012 was a year of hard lessons, painful experiences, and tiring days that dragged into weeks, it was a year filled with hope and blessings and peace that surpassed all understanding. i couldn't have walked through 2012 without the mercy and grace of my Savior and my God. nor would i have wanted to. my husband and i made it through a very difficult year of marriage while we learned to grieve, each one of us in a different way. we learned a lot about each other, and we changed a lot as well. our family is the most important "thing" to us. no one, no thing, can try to convince us otherwise. God taught us a lot about priorities, and while many look on and don't understand, or cast judgement for the way we "do life" now, it has never bothered us less. a year of learning and growing, a year of stumbling and getting back up. a year of learning how to support and fill each other when we were yet still empty and stumbling ourselves. God is good.

i look forward to 2013. i look forward to meeting my newest son face to face. to smell his skin and hair. to kiss his warm soft cheeks. to watch him take his first breath. i am terrified of the emotion that will come along with this next year of having another child, bringing him home, filling our home with a new life. i'm terrified of being a mommy to another earthly child as i'm still missing my heavenly children with every part of my being. i'm looking forward to having the support of my husband, and more importantly, my God. I know there will be many, many more life lessons learned in this new year. i know there will be many more heartaches, and painful moments. i also know though, that His mercies are new every single day. His grace is sufficient, every single moment. And He will never leave me or forsake me. No matter how hard a moment, or a day, or even a week can get.

hope everyone has a safe and happy new year. here's to the birth of all things new!

Crashed

our computer crashed, my husband is currently fixing the hard drive, so I haven't really had time to update this blog, and it's especially hard on my phone.

also, my daughter has been terribly sick, and we've had so many sleepless nights in a row, i wasn't sure which time of day was when the past week and a half. this morning, she woke up all smiles, and running into my bedroom to greet me after asking daddy to change her diaper. NOT how mornings have gone for about 2 weeks now, so we were so thankful to have our little girl back to her normal self again. she actually slept through the night as well, which means daddy and mommy got to. well daddy did anyways....mommy was up peeing and tossing and turning from heartburn and contractions.

Lately, my braxton hicks have gotten much more painful, and definitely baffle my doctor and i. while it's normal to get them after overdoing it, and laying down is supposed to be the "cure", i get mine usually whether i'm over doing it or not. in fact, most of the time, i get them after laying down for a while. dominic doesn't seem to be bothered by them, and they aren't dilating me, so we aren't worried at this point. just weird, but as per usual, nothing ever goes "normal" with me or my pregnancies.

our christmas was nice this year, lots and lots of celebrations, and still one more tonight. honestly though, i could have done without christmas this year. anthony worked, AND we hosted. which means i hosted. and did i mention we were getting about 3 - 4 hours of sleep a night. and we had a sick, miserable, very exhausted 2 yr old, AND i'm 8 months pregnant? yeah. while claire did awesome at party time, and i loved spending time with family, i could have done without it all. i was utterly exhausted by the end of each day, and wasn't able to get rest so it made each day worse. i'm looking forward to maternity leave, hahaha.

there's more to update on, but for now i'll leave it at this. i hate seeing that it's been so long since i've blogged, but at the same time, i don't want this to be a post that is TOO all over the place. hopefully, i will be able to update from my computer the next time. wishing everyone a very merry christmas season, and a happy, blessed, safe new year!

**this just in, it's up and working !!!! hooray! my husband is a jack of all trades. so glad it was a semi-inexpensive fix! he just had to buy and install a new hard drive!

Christmas is coming

and i'm getting fat. holy moly, am i ever. i don't know if it's the way i am carrying dominic or what, but he's making me so very uncomfortable lately. i am definitely not complaining. i absolutely love, and usually tear up, in the middle of the night when he wakes me from dancing on my bladder. it is however, harder and harder to get through each day lately. i have sciatica pain, my pelvic joint is either throbbing or tingling lately, my ankles are swollen and my lower back feels like i have a crooked rusty rod poking through it. all things i never felt in either of the other pregnancy's i've had. i think it has to do with where his placenta is. it's on my backside, which means every single move he makes i can see and feel so intensely in my belly. my daughter can't snuggle me very easily, or sit on my lap and read a book. my maternity tanks are getting small on me. so, soon i will be wearing stylish garbage bags. a few not so nice people are constantly teasing about how dominic will be 10 lbs or more when he's born, that the dr's will have to slice me open like "zorro" to get him out. to which i call them both mean names and mutter evil curses under my breath (i kid, sometimes i say them out loud). but i'm beginning to think he may be bigger. i can't bend over, or do most things i could with my first daughter by this time in my pregnancy. we shall see how these next 9 weeks go. should be interesting. my husband is picking up lots of extra shifts so guys will owe him when dominic is born. not sure that that is so wise anymore. good thing claire can do most things without me having to lift her.

i feel like i haven't written in here in a long time. i don't know what to say that isn't so repetitive anymore. we had fun getting our christmas tree and decorating it. claire loved every minute of it and stands in front of it each night admiring it. granted, one branch is a bit heavier than the rest, but she loved putting all the ornaments up.