2012

seems to be the thing to do. to recap the year. and to do it on my computer! hooray for husbands who replace hard drives! boo for husbands who clean computers with soaking wet clorox wipes because they are germaphobes!

ok, our 2012 in a recap:

we started out the year trying to get pregnant. it took many, many, many tries. so over hormones and shots and blood draws, and weekly dr appointments!

i was on a panel of mom's to talk about being a mother to children on earth as well as in heaven. it was an honor and a privilege, and i would take any moment i could to talk about my children. all of them. even if it was the most difficult thing i had done since having to say goodbye to them last year.

we finally got pregnant at the end of May! hooray! let the scared, anxious, guilt ridden pregnancy begin. we had many scares at the beginning, many reasons to believe we had lost this child. many dr appointments to show that our God is still a good God, and can still perform miracles.

our daughter turned 2. i can't believe i have a 2 yr old. it was a crazy 2 years, a hard 2 years, and an eventful 2 years, but we made it. she is the smartest, most beautiful, most sassy little miss i have ever known. i can't even imagine who she will grow up to be. i never thought her personality now would be her personality. we are beyond blessed with her as our first miracle.

we did our first annual walk with Stroll for Strong in honor of the triplets, and to raise money for the amazing hospital that took such wonderful care of my children and me. it's a tradition we are sure to do every year we can.

we celebrated the triplet's 1st birthday. we weren't sure how to do this, and we weren't sure we would make it through, but we did. it was beautiful. nothing i could have ever imagined. how can you imagine something like that anyways!? we had a wonderful day as a family celebrating together. first stop was Strong Museum with the big sister. then we went out to lunch. then we came home for nap time and after nap had a nice dinner. my mother stopped over so she joined in. people sent beautiful gifts. then we went to sing happy birthday and eat cupcakes on the front lawn with their memorial stone. we played outside until it was time for bed. we snuggled together as a family, we cried, we remembered every detail of Nathan, Malia and Anthony Jr. it was a beautiful, beautiful day.

we found out we were having another boy!

a great friend of mine wrote a blog about motherhood and featured our family in it. again, another honor and privilege. another moment to talk about my children.

we celebrated a second round of holidays without half of our family. it was just as hard as the first round. holiday's are overrated. i really think i may bow out next year. my husband worked for christmas, so most of the day it was just me and claire. she was sick. very sick. so we ran on a few hours of sleep and then had to host family at our house both days while anthony didn't get home from work until after 5. not cool. not cool at all. but we did it with a smile on our faces. lesson learned. next time, i refuse to be pressured into celebrating the holidays with everyone just because they want to.

which brings us to new years eve. anthony is working nights, as per usual. i haven't seen the ball drop in years though, and so i'm not about to start a new tradition now. especially after claire woke me up for a few hours in the middle of the night and i didn't get to take a nap. i'm just about ready to go to bed. really excited about my bed.

while 2012 was a year of hard lessons, painful experiences, and tiring days that dragged into weeks, it was a year filled with hope and blessings and peace that surpassed all understanding. i couldn't have walked through 2012 without the mercy and grace of my Savior and my God. nor would i have wanted to. my husband and i made it through a very difficult year of marriage while we learned to grieve, each one of us in a different way. we learned a lot about each other, and we changed a lot as well. our family is the most important "thing" to us. no one, no thing, can try to convince us otherwise. God taught us a lot about priorities, and while many look on and don't understand, or cast judgement for the way we "do life" now, it has never bothered us less. a year of learning and growing, a year of stumbling and getting back up. a year of learning how to support and fill each other when we were yet still empty and stumbling ourselves. God is good.

i look forward to 2013. i look forward to meeting my newest son face to face. to smell his skin and hair. to kiss his warm soft cheeks. to watch him take his first breath. i am terrified of the emotion that will come along with this next year of having another child, bringing him home, filling our home with a new life. i'm terrified of being a mommy to another earthly child as i'm still missing my heavenly children with every part of my being. i'm looking forward to having the support of my husband, and more importantly, my God. I know there will be many, many more life lessons learned in this new year. i know there will be many more heartaches, and painful moments. i also know though, that His mercies are new every single day. His grace is sufficient, every single moment. And He will never leave me or forsake me. No matter how hard a moment, or a day, or even a week can get.

hope everyone has a safe and happy new year. here's to the birth of all things new!