I Will Not Be Shaken

"He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken." Psalm 62:6

I wish I could always remember this verse. But I don't. I get shaken. I get shaken to my core sometimes. This pregnancy has been one filled with anxiety, worries. Just when I start to get comfortable and start to believe that I will be bringing my Dominic home to live, and then I start getting contractions in the middle of the night that wake me up. Or I don't feel him move for hours. Or I have a bad dream. I get shaken. I start to believe the lies of the enemy. I start to believe that I am just "lucky" that I have Claire, and she's the only one that I'm going to be allowed to raise on this earth. God always speaks to my heart, maybe not right away, but that's only because I'm not asking Him to. I'm not allowing Him to. 

Yesterday I had a regular OB check up. You know, the usual, talk about any concerns, listen to babies heart rate, make next appointment. In and out in 15 minutes usually. Usually. Yesterday we discussed my Symphysis Diastasis Pain, and what we can do to make labor manageable, and the next 6 weeks manageable. We talked about my contractions that are happening in the middle of the night, even though that's abnormal for Braxton Hicks. We talked about inducing the Friday before my due date, for many reasons. She was in complete agreement about the induction, and I'm so relieved about that. Then it was time to climb onto the table and listen to my busy little boy's heart. With a smile on her face (because she NEVER will show concern, only compassion, and love) she started pressing on my belly. She then grabbed my wrist and took my heart rate. She made me lay on my side. On my other side. We did this for what seemed like an eternity. The sound of Dominic's heart rate sounded slower than normal, but I just figured it was ok, at first. After all the moving around and time spend though I started to panic. Then it happened. She sat me up. She calmly said "Without worrying you, I want to send you to the hospital. His baseline is normally 140 and the highest it's been is 120. Which is ok, except it's dipping down to 100 and 105 a lot." I couldn't breath. She told me many reasons it could be, including that it could just be she caught him at a moment that normally dr's don't catch and he's perfectly fine. It didn't help. I was scared that by the time I got to the hospital he wouldn't have a heart rate. I was afraid of how I was supposed to get care for my daughter. To wake up from another nap unprepared, someone other than mommy or daddy getting her up. To scare her, like last time. I couldn't do it. She is so sensitive. I called my husband, without me even telling him my thoughts on Claire, he said the same thing I was thinking. We should wake her and take her with us. Otherwise, she is going to be too scared something is wrong again. I got home as fast as I could and Claire and Anthony got in the car and off to the hospital we went. I couldn't break down. It makes Claire upset. We finally arrived at the hospital, after what seems like every traffic issue that could come up, did. We got to Labor and Delivery Triage and I was hooked up in a matter of minutes. Again, Strong was an amazing hospital with amazing nurses that were very thorough and caring. Dominic passed the test in 10 minutes, but they wanted to keep me hooked up for 25 because that's how long they should take to pass the test. Like I said, Dominic is VERY active, ALL.DAY.LONG! His heart rate went up and down from 120 to 160. Never once going below 120. The then had to do a test for my amniotic fluid and an ultrasound to make sure his cord wasn't under his head, which is in the "ready to go" position.  His cord is perfectly placed between his legs and goes to my left back where my placenta is. Most likely what happened is that Dominic grabbed his cord and was squeezing it. Pill. We left very relieved. Home in time for dinner and playing with my beautiful, wonderfully behaved toddler. 

I couldn't shake the fear though. The thoughts that ran through my head. One day I start to let go and plan and get excited to bring my son home with me, alive, in a car seat. The next, I'm crying in the dr's office about where I'm going to put another urn in my house. Terrible. I know. But my thought process none the less. I was physically and emotionally worn out. We went to bed, prayed prayers of thankfulness for allowing Dominic to be healthy, happy, doing wonderful. I remembered this verse. Hours later. "oh, right. i don't need to be shaken. i have the one who created Dominic looking out for me. the one who Dominic belongs to before he belongs to me". 

"He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken." Psalm 62:6