Walking With You - Week 1

January 7, 2013 ~ Introduction and Where are You Now?

 

Tell us a little about yourself, your baby, and how you’ve come to this walk. Also, where are you now in your grief and healing? Are you new to this, still in the depths of fresh grief? Have you been walking this path awhile?

 

 

 

Last year I participated in Walking With You done by Sufficient Grace Ministries. I was unsure if I would participate this time around, but as long as there is no hard and fast deadline, I think I'm going to try. I may not get all the way through it, but I am sure going to try.

 

 

This weeks topic is described above.

 

 

My name is Heather. I have 8 children, 1 on this earth, 6 in heaven, and 1 currently finishing out his term in my womb. My oldest daughter, Claire, is truly my miracle child. We can't have children without the help of fertility, and she is our first wonderful blessing from God. She is a little over 2 1/2 yrs old and has the funniest, BEST personality ever. I then became pregnant with sextuplets in April of 2011. I miscarried 3 of my babies right away at weeks 6, 7, and 9 consecutively. Our last 3 of the sextuplets I delivered on August 28th, 2011,  1 day shy of 22 weeks gestation. Nathan was born still, followed by his sister Malia, and brother Anthony Jr. They were born alive, but only lived shortly longer than an hour. I guess that throws me into the category of "baby loss". No one can prepare for this journey,m no one can understand this journey, until you are on it. And by then, it's too late. I was confused, angry, terrified, upset, empty, lonely, overwhelmed, you name it, when I lost my children. We have done a lot to memorialize their lives in the past year and a half. We talk about our children daily, my daughter knows her sister and brothers, and knows they are in heaven. Some days she tried to reach up to the sky and grab them, it breaks my heart. Other days, we talk about how exciting it will be to get to heaven and see them again. While I guess I'm no longer "new" to this grief of the loss of my children, in a way I really am. Every day something comes up that causes a wave of emotion to come over me. I miss them, think of them, talk to them, long to kiss them, tuck them in, tickle them....every single day. Many times throughout the day. I wonder what color hair they would have, what color their eyes would be, how much like their daddy they would look like...My daughter will do something, and I will think "I wonder if Malia would be just like her big sister?" I wonder if my Nathan would be energetic and feisty, a fighter like he was in the womb. I wonder if Anthony would be docile and quiet, an observer, like he was in the womb. So no, while this isn't a new walk for me, in a way it is. Every day brings something new to this journey of grief. I'm still learning the person I've become. I'm still learning the person my husband's become. We are changed. We aren't the people we thought we'd be, nor are we the people we married. The loss of our children has changed our very core. I am no longer that person who thinks "this couldn't happen to me". I miss that naivety. I do have hope though, and without hope, I don't think this journey can be walked.