January 28, 2013 ~ Overcoming Guilt and Embracing Joy
One area so many mothers struggle with is guilt, especially those who experience the loss of a baby/child. We want to address this struggle in this post. It will help mothers quietly battling guilt for living life and experiencing joy to know they are not alone. Other moms silently battle this as well. Whether it is the startling first time you really laugh after losing your child, or whether you have experienced the healing balm of joy for years, share your thoughts on this week’s post.
It took me a long time to feel "right" about smiling. It took even longer for me to feel joy again. I felt an overwhelming amount of guilt. My body didn't work right. I failed my daughter, my husband, and my children. I thought maybe God wasn't happy the way I was raising my daughter. Maybe He didn't see it fit for me to have anymore children. I was scared that every child I would try to have after would be taken from me as well, kinda like a "didn't you learn the first time?!" kinda lesson. Maybe I wasn't fit to raise triplets, maybe I wasn't patient enough? loving enough? gentle enough? guilt.
It's not completely gone. I don't think it ever will be. It's that nagging voice in the back of my head that tries to continually steal my joy. It's a full time job to fill my head this things that are true, right, holy, pure, etc (Philippians 4:8). Satan is the Father of Lies. He's so good at it, and just like the serpent in the Garden of Eden tempting Adam and Eve in Genesis, and that same serpent that tried to tempt Jesus in Matthew 4:1-11, he is still walking this earth, tempting any and everyone he can. Guilt. It sure doesn't come from our Creator, the one who loves us, and has a plan for us, and comforts and strengthens us, and shows us mercy and grace every day (2Corinthians 1:3-4). As long as I take breaths on this earth, guilt will try to creep in, will try to steal my joy, my truths that the God of the heavens and earth has given to me. Every morning I wake up ready for battle. Some days I lose, and it's ok. Jesus is right there to pick me up, brush me off, whisper His truth and love into my ear, and help me to carry on.
I laugh more, I have more joy, I enjoy life more. Because if I didn't, my children's lives, as short as they may have been, would be for nothing. Satan would win. I can't and won't allow that. It's an every day choice, and every day battle, and an every day victory, if I choose to accept it. It's not easy, but it's worth it. The struggle will never be gone. You live on this earth without pieces of you. You will never feel "complete". But that doesn't mean you have to walk in guilt, in sadness, in a cloud of despair. Those are our choices. They may not seem like it at first, and sometimes, you just have to choose it even when it doesn't seem natural or right. It will become natural though. It will be something that gets easier to choose. Easier to understand. Easier to walk in.
Those are just my thoughts and opinions. Take them for what they are worth.
5 comments:
"I laugh more, I have more joy, I enjoy life more. Because if I didn't, my children's lives, as short as they may have been, would be for nothing."
I agree with you on this!
When thinking back on my loss, I had wondered if God took my son, because I was not doing a "good enough" job with my other boys, or I was being disciplined for past sins. Deep down, I knew that that was a complete lie.
God is good...
God is love...
He would never choose to put that kind of pain in my life for past sins, that's why Jesus died for us.
Living through the guilt, really is a everyday victory. So, give yourself a high five, a pat on the back, because this is a very hard "feeling," to tackle and manage, on a day to day basis.
Love to you.
I completely agree with your point that everyday it's a choice and a battle to find joy and enjoy life. Thank you for sharing!
I completely agree with your post! We must live our lives to the fullest, remembering and honoring our children. Thank you so much for sharing!
Heather...thank you for so honestly sharing that struggle with guilt. Much of my own struggle after losing Faith and Grace and later Thomas was about that guilt..."that if you could just learn that lesson"...and then the second time..."if you would have learned the lesson the first time, you wouldn't have to lose Thomas."
Oh...how ugly and full of hate and condemnation that lie looks/sounds as I write it out and remember the sneering whisper of the enemy when I was the most vulnerable so many years ago.
I want to fight your guilt with you, dear sister, because it is a lie from the pit. And, I'm glad you know...and hope that you know that with all your heart. God doesn't send lessons like that. And, He doesn't whisper crippling condemnation and guilt to the most tender places of our hearts.
His love and grace teaches with gentleness that lifts us up, filling with hope. Are there lessons in everything? And, beauty from ashes? Of course...but not the way Satan whispered to you...and to me. Not the..."if you would only learn the lesson, your children wouldn't have to die" kind of lesson. NO!
No, to that lie...it just isn't allowed. It needs to be taken captive into the obedience of Christ where it belongs. Praying right now, my friend, that those thoughts would not be allowed to torment your beautiful heart and soul on more minute. God loves you and He loves your children just as you are. He is able to heal and deliver you from this guilt, dear friend.
In the mean time...keep battling with truth. And, we will keep lifting you in prayer.
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