vacation

we've been on vacation this week. sorry for the lack of posting. it's been really busy and i've barely had time to sleep. seriously! it's all fun though. lots of family and fun activities. claire is drinking it all in! she gets so excited to see and play with her cousins! she is obsessed with her aunts and uncles. it's so great that she knows and loves her family.

i'll update again next week with more to say on this pregnancy. our ultrasound is next week and i'll post pictures and feelings about that as well.

blessings to all!

missing my babies tonight. i was driving home from my chiropractor appointment and thinking about the new baby. i was wondering what kind of personality this baby would have, who he/she will look like at birth...claire, malia, anthony or nathan....malia and nathan looked a lot a like. they looked like me as a baby. anthony looked just like claire. and they both look like their daddy. then i kept picturing the triplets faces. it made me sad because i just wanted to look into their sweet faces again. i miss them. tonight, rocking my daughter to sleep, she wrapped her arms around me tightly and buried her face in my neck. i longed to have malia's arms wrapped around my neck, anthony's face nuzzled in close, or nathan's little hands rubbing the side of my face. i miss my babies.

claire and i were reading her bible, and we were talking about the story where the wise men got to meet Jesus. when the story was done i asked claire if she would like to meet Jesus face to face one day. she answered "yesh". i reminded her about how anthony and nathan and malia were waiting in heaven for us. and that they already got to meet Jesus face to face. i asked her where heaven was. she points to the sky. i ask her who lives there, and she tells me Jesus, and malia, and "nini" (that's what she calls her brother anthony), and nathan. i miss my babies. i miss smelling their sweet skin. i miss kissing their soft cheeks, and their perfect little heads. i miss holding them and telling them how much i love them. i really really really can't wait for heaven to come. i can't wait to be in eternity with all of my children.

i may be pregnant. we may be adding to our family. there may be another sibling for claire. but there will always be an empty place in my heart and in my family where my children should be that aren't here on earth with us. our family will never be complete. my heart will never again be whole. i miss my babies.

faith is my mantra, joy is my song

i'm not as emotional about this pregnancy as i thought i'd be.  i thought i would be a nervous wreck, and i'm not. i thought i would cry tears of happiness and fear, and i haven't. i am utterly the epitome of excited. my husband, not so much. he was so nervous. he said the wind had been taken out of his sails from the sudden loss of the triplets, and while i understand where he's coming from, and i thought i would be there too....i know that it's by God's grace that i'm not. we prayed and had faith that we would get pregnant again. so, i thought, what right do i have to now fear and doubt when He answered my prayers?! then i thought, when this child asks me "how did you react when you found out you were pregnant with me?" i want to be able to answer that i was just as excited and filled with joy as i was when i found out with all of his/her siblings. i also want to make sure that however long or short i have with this child, whether i meet him/her on this earth, or they live for a short time or for a lifetime, i want to enjoy every second. i want to be thankful for EVERY.SECOND! most people take life for granted. days for granted. even moments for granted. i never want to be that person again. i try really hard to not be. i try really hard to make sure that in all things i am giving thanks to the one who gives life....long or short. i'm not saying i wouldn't be devastated if something happens to this child or any of my other children i may have or already do have. i'm just saying, i need to live for this moment, at this particular time, on this particular day. i have my baby with me, he/she is safe and sound, and that's what i'm thankful for. my husband is coming around. he's getting more comfortable i think that the baby is here. i know his heart was ripped in a million pieces when we lost the triplets. i know if we lost any more children he will be changed forever...all over again. we pray for this baby every day, for fingers and toes, and lungs and heart, and every little piece of him/her in between. just like with every other pregnancy. faith is my mantra, joy is my song.

Long Overdue

So it's been a while since I've posted. I never thought life could get any busier, and it has. Now that the weather is nice out, we are outside from the moment I get home from work until the moment my daughter goes to bed around 8. Then, I go back out and water my garden and do little odds and ends, or I crash on the couch with my husband and we catch up on our days. I have no motivation to blog. There's been a ton on my mind, and a ton I've thought "hey, I should blog about that", but then I just don't open my computer, or I just don't want to take the time to sit and write it all out, or feel it as I write it all out. So...sorry. Truly, I am.

May was a month full of chaos. My nephew's birthday, my daughter's birthday, my husband and my anniversary, and a full schedule of dr's appointments and blood draws. As you could see in the pictures, my daughter's birthday was great. She thoroughly enjoyed turning 2. It's like something changed automatically in her brain and body when she turned 2 also! She got crazy funny, and super full of herself. "No" is now her favorite word. And she's practicing for a grammy for her temper tantrums. HOLY COW! I've worked in childcare for 12 years, and I promise, I've never seen anything like it. She can be a beast, but even when I may lose it and walk away, at the end of the day, while I'm rocking her to bed, we kiss and make up, and she's the sweetest 2 year old all over again. She's getting better with learning how to stop herself from flipping out before it's too late and she loses a toy, or outside, or her favorite food. She is definitely a quick learner. I usually give her a swat on her butt, and sometimes time out. Sometimes, it's just one or the other. Sometimes, I am out of "tricks" and I put her in her crib and walk away because I just can't deal with it. I'm telling you, tantrums far and above anything I could ever have imagined from my child. We've had a few good days in a row now though, and when she's about to lose it, she stops, looks at me pathetically, and says "I want go outside" in a pouty voice. That's her way of saying, I won't be naughty because I REALLY love playing outside and I know that's what I'm going to lose.  People warn you of the "Terrible Two's", but I firmly believe no stage is terrible. It might be incredibly hard, very wearing on my nerves, but NOT terrible. She is here, she is alive, she is healthy, and that's wonderful. Above all that, she is normal. It's normal to test boundaries, and I just would up with the child who has a strong will to make her own boundaries and not be confined by anyone. I know it will get her far in life....when she is older....and I am much more grey!

June so far, has been great. Recitals, graduations, a vacation (though at home) coming next week. Can't believe June is half over already. I know in May I mentioned we had an IUI done on Wednesday May 30th. We had to wait the standard 2 weeks to take a HPT. Well, if you know me, 2 weeks is about 13 days too long for me to wait. So, I agonized, and I forgot about it, and then I remembered and agonized some more. I was to test on Wednesday June 13th. Friday, June 8th, I almost died from strep throat (can you tell where my daughter gets her drama from?). I was convinced it was allergies, and ignored it. I tested Friday morning because I just couldn't wait any longer, and I SWEAR I saw a faint line. I asked my husband and he called me crazy. I knew though, I hadn't had cramps. If I was going to get a period I would have had cramps. I knew it was a line, and I knew I was pregnant. So Saturday morning I woke up and again was dying, only this time I was dying with a small white dot on my throat. I also now had vertigo. Awesome. I know. So I went to the dr, and they tested me because I can't take meds for vertigo being pregnant. The nurse said she "thinks she sees a line". I got my meds, and was on the mend by Sunday afternoon. First thing I did on Monday morning was pee on a stick, and this is what I saw:

Claire Turns 2 Via Pics

and a few words...

 cracked out Elmo

 swimming with her cousins

 eating pizza with her friends!

 my first mitt and ball!

 insisting on reading her cards

 opening presents with her cousins and friends

 i did NOT make this Elmo.....mine was totally better.

 i love that we are ALL smiling in this. we are happy.

 ha! i love her eyes here! sugar coma!

she only ate the frosting