No Longer Reticent

missing my babies tonight. i was driving home from my chiropractor appointment and thinking about the new baby. i was wondering what kind of personality this baby would have, who he/she will look like at birth...claire, malia, anthony or nathan....malia and nathan looked a lot a like. they looked like me as a baby. anthony looked just like claire. and they both look like their daddy. then i kept picturing the triplets faces. it made me sad because i just wanted to look into their sweet faces again. i miss them. tonight, rocking my daughter to sleep, she wrapped her arms around me tightly and buried her face in my neck. i longed to have malia's arms wrapped around my neck, anthony's face nuzzled in close, or nathan's little hands rubbing the side of my face. i miss my babies.

claire and i were reading her bible, and we were talking about the story where the wise men got to meet Jesus. when the story was done i asked claire if she would like to meet Jesus face to face one day. she answered "yesh". i reminded her about how anthony and nathan and malia were waiting in heaven for us. and that they already got to meet Jesus face to face. i asked her where heaven was. she points to the sky. i ask her who lives there, and she tells me Jesus, and malia, and "nini" (that's what she calls her brother anthony), and nathan. i miss my babies. i miss smelling their sweet skin. i miss kissing their soft cheeks, and their perfect little heads. i miss holding them and telling them how much i love them. i really really really can't wait for heaven to come. i can't wait to be in eternity with all of my children.

i may be pregnant. we may be adding to our family. there may be another sibling for claire. but there will always be an empty place in my heart and in my family where my children should be that aren't here on earth with us. our family will never be complete. my heart will never again be whole. i miss my babies.