Faithful

my God has sure proven to be faithful over the years. time and time again when it's pouring down so hard i can't see past my nose, there is always a time when the storm lets up. there is always a time when i can see what's been done in the storm. the damage, the healing, the rescue. i would have never pinned myself as an anxious person. i'll admit though, lately, i'm a bundle of anxiety. any day now i expect to look down after i go to the bathroom and see an umbilical cord hanging out. i double check and triple check and quadruple check every time i get a chance that everything is ok. we are just halfway through this pregnancy, and i can't even believe how fast it's gone. at the same time, i can't imagine waiting this much longer to meet this baby. i just want safety, assurance the everything will be ok. heck, i still fear that my daughter who is 2 1/2 will be taken from me one day. i put these fears into the hands of God every single day. sometimes multiple times a day. my life is completely different than i ever imagined it would be. it's completely different even from just a few years ago. goal i had are no longer relevant. life is but a breath. it's fragile. not guaranteed. i barely recognize the person i once was. i am driven by one tragic day in my life. it's my first thoughts in the morning and my last thoughts before i go to bed. i want to be everything God has called me to be, and do all He's calling me into. i know that God didn't cause the hurt and pain that day just over a year brought, but i do know He felt it along with me. He's paved a way out of that dark place i was in. He's led me by the hand every minute of every day. He has used so many people and "things" of this world to do it. mainly, music. the promises of His word put to song have spoken deeper into my heart than anything or anyone could ever. here is just one song that i've listened to on repeat more nights than i care to look back on. just thankful He's guiding me and i don't have to do this alone.

"New baby"

It's been a while since I posted about the "new" baby. I figured I would post a little update. Not much to report because normal people plug along and have spaced out appointments and uneventful days. I'm trying extremely hard to be normal. Our appointment was scheduled for September 6th. It was 4 weeks after the last time I saw my OB. I tried really hard to wait that long. I really did. The triplet's birthday came and I was having a lot of bad dreams and I started panicking that the baby was not going to have a heartbeat by the 6th so I had to go in and find out. The day after their birthday I called the dr in a panic and said I just needed peace of mind. She was happy to oblige and took me in right then. The nurse had to do my dppler because the dr was busy when I went in. She took FOREVER to find the heartbeat. So long, that she was making small talk because I think she could tell I was starting to have a panic attack. I started believing all my fears. Then, the fateful moment when FINALLY we heard the heartbeat. It was pretty brief because apparently this baby is still in the "let's do somersaults all day long and never sit still" mode. I cried. Tears of relief. Tears of thankfulness that I was wrong, that the devil was NOT going to steal this child. The following week I went in and had our regular check up. The dr doesn't want me waiting 4 weeks in between appointments anymore. She doesn't want me to have all the anxiety that it's creating. So our appointments are now much closer together. We talked about the fact that I have a bladder infection (happens EVERY time I'm pregnant), and how normal it is to get them during pregnancy, but how scared I was because just after I was diagnosed with one with the triplet's, my water with Nathan broke. She assured me that won't happen. I'm not thoroughly convinced, but I am getting closer to talking myself out of the fact that it's going to happen. I also lost a lot a weight. Apparently, too much. I assured her when I can eat, I am. I am way sicker with this pregnancy than I was with the other two. I am also gluten free which started after the pregnancy. Whenever I go gluten free I lose weight. The food sucks. I don't care what you say, or who you talk to. Gluten free food is disgusting for the most part. Which means when I'd normally snack I just decide to "starve" instead because there's nothing good to eat. I am really trying to put on the weight, but it's hard when everything you eat makes you want to just throw it right back up. Claire's nausea ended around 20 weeks, so we are hoping that any day now we will be done with nausea with this pregnancy. We shall see though. I have been sicker, I have broken out to an awful extent. Usually, I have the clearest skin when I'm pregnant. So, everything is so different this time around.

We find out the sex of the baby on Friday the 21st. We don't like surprises. I couldn't handle one more unknown with this pregnancy, or any pregnancy for that matter! I can't wait to find out. I am thinking boy because everything is soooo different, but at the same time, all the "myths" point to girl (even though I had none of them with Claire). We shall see. Can't wait to go buy that very first outfit. We found out with Claire and went directly to the store to buy Claire's take home outfit. I know we will do the same for this baby. We didn't with the triplet's because we couldn't find out what Baby C was and we were holding out hope in finding out before we bought the outfits. I wish we had looking back on it, but you can't turn back time. Unfortunately.

So, that in a nutshell, is how this pregnancy is going so far. Every day keeps me wondering, and sometimes I will catch myself talking to the baby and convinced I will bring this baby home to live with us on earth. Again, we shall see. I can't wait for Claire to understand what a baby brother or sister is though. We have been talking about a baby in mommy's belly for over a year and a half now, and she has still yet to see the baby face to face. She thinks brothers and sisters are urns and memorial stones. I am excited for her to be able to touch and hold and love on a baby in this life. She is obsessed. Every baby she sees, it's like everything around her disappears and all she focus' on is that baby and how she can get her hands on him/her. It's the cutest and saddest thing I have ever had to see in her life.

If I don't update again before the "announcement", I'll make sure to get on and announce if we got a penis or vagina growing inside (too much? oh well, gotta be true to myself somehow!)!

The Triplet's 1st Birthday (part 2)

Sorry I went MIA for a bit longer than planned. My daughter had Hand Foot and Mouth, and was a bit whiney from the pain she was in. Then, Sunday morning, she woke up with a runny nose and a VERY barky cough. My first thought, croup. My second thought, who gets croup in August/September? My kid. That's who. She woke up barfing from coughing so hard. She was gasping for breath and scaring the crap out of me. I knew it was croup, but I was home alone and I couldn't get her to settle down. Finally, after many steamy showers she slept in my bed with me....slept is being used loosely here. We were up every hour or 2. It was awful for her. Monday, again, barfing, coughing, not sleeping....so needless to say with no sleep and a very sick child, I didn't have the time to write like I had hoped. We got steroids today, and she's sleeping. I need to go to bed, but now I have a cold and I can't sleep. So I might as well write about the triplet's birthday.

Tuesday morning hit, and right away I went out to there memorial stone and placed the balloons I bought them. Then,we had breakfast and went out the door to head to the children's museum around here. Claire LOVES that place. We played there all morning and went out to lunch. When we got home someone had placed 3 dozen roses (separated) in front of their stone. At closer look, there was a letter written to each one, and a Nutter Butter wrapped with a "1" candle in their colored ribbon. It brought me to tears. I knew right away that my best friend had stopped over. She knew my not so secret affair with Nutter Butter's while I was pregnant with them. She also is very creative with the making of their letters and envelopes. I read each one and ended up on my kitchen floor sobbing. Just the day before a friend send gifts to them for their birthday. An airplane, a train and a tiny porcelain doll. I was overwhelmed with the thoughtfulness of other's for my children. 

 Their balloons from us and the flowers put together from my friend.

What we came home to Tuesday afternoon. 

My daughter took a nap and my husband and I laid down. There was a knock at the door, and it was my mother. She stopped by to bring us a present and card. She was going to turn around and go right back home. She lives an hour away though, so I told her she could stay. We had plenty for dinner and she could just have cupcakes with us. My daughter must have known grandma was here because she promptly woke up. We played outside, opened the present, which was a hand holding a baby in it with each of the triplet's names on it. They were beautiful. 

After dinner we lit the cupcakes, sang "Happy Birthday" to each of the babies, and then took the cupcakes outside to eat them around their stone. Each of us blew out a cupcake, and Claire helped me blow out mine as well. 

 My beautiful daughter

 Apparently Blogger won't let me rotate the pic, but she's blowing out her candle. 

 Claire helping me blow out mine.

 The beautiful cupcakes.

She really enjoyed them!

After the cupcakes were all consumed we sat around the stone and just played. Claire ran around and kept going to the stone and saying "brodders and sisser!" It was so cute. 

 a little yoga

 breaking for some more "cuppycakes"

The end of our day. It was beautiful.

After cupcakes my mother left to go home. It was time for Claire to take a bath and go to bed. We went in and all climbed into our bed and brought the teddy bears we received from my friend after we got home from the hospital. We snuggled, read Claire's bible story for the night, and prayed. It was a beautiful end to a beautiful day. 

Nathan, Malia, and Anthony Jr's birthday was nothing and everything I expected. It was a really hard day, but through it all, we really did feel God's peace.