No Longer Reticent: September 2013

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Weary

Isaiah 40:29-31

29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

This is my mantra as of late. I'm having a terrible time of feeling weary. I'm tired of expectations. I'm tired of fakeness (I made that a word ok? ok.). I draw strength from the Lord, and place my hope in Him daily. Ok, more realistically, hourly. I remind myself that I can't do this on my own, put my cross down, lay at His feet, and surrender my everything to the One who created me. He holds me in His hands, He catches every single tear that falls (and let me say, that's been quite a few lately).

I have no one in my "real life" that has ever been through the type of loss we've been through. I know no one who's had to be wheeled down the labor and delivery hall to leave the hospital with boxes of their children's belongings instead of a car seats with cute, pink newborns in them, pick up their child, in an urn, from a funeral home (that drive still haunts my dreams, day and night). People lose eye contact, get fidgety, change topics, run (ok, maybe not run, but I bet they think about it) when I start to talk about my children. I need to talk about my children. I need to reminisce about their smells, their looks, their personalities, just like I talk about my living children. You can consider me obsessed, but no more obsessed than I am with my children that are living, and no more obsessed than others are about their children.

I started going to a group that is local. This group is full of women who have walked a similar path that I've walked. I have been trying to connect for quite some time, but whether through fear, or scheduling, it hasn't worked out. I bit the bullet and went this past week. How refreshing. To talk about my children in a setting that doesn't judge, squirm, shut down, ignore. A group who can relate, who I don't feel crazy with, or like I need to walk on eggshells around.

I also joined a bible study/small group with a bunch of women who also can relate. I'm very much looking forward to this. I need this. Like water in a drought, my soul needs to be refreshed, revived, poured into. I need to not feel like this alien anymore. I need to not feel like I am walking around as one person, but yet inside of me, someone else is screaming, clawing, begging to come out.

I want to be accepted. I need to be accepted. This means my children too. My children who are no longer alive.

I'm so weary. I have nothing left to give to others, and I hate that. I want to support others in their struggles, in their joys, but I just haven't been able to. At least not truly. I can fake it. Boy, can I fake it. On the inside though, I'm dried up. There's nothing to draw from. I need to renew my strength. Or better put, I need the Lord to renew my strength. I need to run and not grow weary, to walk and not be faint.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Happy Birthday (Part 2)

This year we decided we wanted to go to the zoo. Dominic loves to be outside, and when we asked Claire if she wanted to do the museum or the zoo, she chose the zoo. I was so glad she did. It was a hot day though, and it made for a cranky kid, and claire and dominic had their moments too (just kidding hunny!) I packed a picnic lunch, and we stayed up til nap time. We all had a lot of fun, and the animals were the most active I've ever seen them. Of course I forgot my camera though, and the only shots I had to time to take with my iPhone were few and far between. We came home, napped, and then made a nice dinner. After dinner we sang "Happy Birthday" and blew out the the candles on the cupcakes. We went outside to sit at the stone and eat our cupcakes. While we were gone Aunt Becca stopped over and brought the triplets favorite (what they demanded of me all day every day while doing time on the inside) Nutter Butter Bars, roses, and little notes. She gets me every time. Best friend and auntie to her kids a girl could ask for.

My emotions were up and down. I was so thankful and excited that Dominic was here to celebrate with us this year. Last year, I was just starting my 2nd trimester with him. I was scared, and highly doubted I'd ever get to add him to our family. I was too distracted with both kids to have time to break down until the end of the day. When all went to bed, and I reflected on my day, I wept. Another year without them. Another year wondering. Claire understood way more this year. It broke my heart when we got the cupcakes out to sing "Happy Birthday" and Claire protested because we needed to wait for Nathan, Anthony and Malia to get to their party. I tried to explain that they were in heaven looking down on their party and having a great party in heaven. But it didn't fly. She was a little upset that they weren't coming, and we couldn't go to their party in heaven. So unfair. I agree baby, I agree.

Here are some pics from our day:

Monday, September 9, 2013

Happy Birthday! (Part 1)

August this year was a difficult one. Another reminder that yet again, my children aren't here. Yet again, pregnancy doesn't always end with rainbows and unicorns and cute, chubby, pink, breathing, healthy babies. Another reminder that this earth sucks and the anticipation for heaven to come is growing almost more than I can handle. This year, we did the gifts and cupcakes for the hospital again on the 27th. We went up there, this year with a new addition. He even "helped" stuff the gift bags this year. Don't worry, I definitely broke down in giving thanks more than once that Dominic is part of our family on this earth. Healthy, growing, full of joy and the most snuggliest little man ever.