rollercoaster!

man alive! or rather, baby alive! thank the Lord!

i won't go into too much detail because time is ticking away, and i didn't sleep last night, and i'm utterly exhausted right now. i am laying down for a nap.  BUT, i didn't want to wait any longer to update. apparently, i have a hematoma something. basically, my placenta tore away from the wall some. it's not huge, but it's decent size. it's not a result of something physical either, more physiological. i have celiac disease, which means i can't eat gluten. i cheat all the time. i don't get physical symptoms, so it's no big deal to me. well, now it is. apparently, it is a big indicator of what happened. they ran a bunch of other tests on every other autoimmune deficiency disorder. if all comes back negative, it was the gluten i cheated with. i can't even believe it could do that, and that this all could be avoided! i cheated with claire all the time! if any of the tests come back positive, then it probably wasn't just the gluten, but other antibodies in my blood attacking me/my baby. i will be put on baby aspirin and heparin for the remainder of the pregnancy.  really hoping it was just the gluten, but we shall see. it takes about a week to get results the dr said. baby was wiggling and kicking away, and had a heartbeat of 192, which we got to hear, which in turn made me burst into tears. so thankful for that sound. scary i can pass clots like that and baby is right there, but thankful that he/she is safe.

that's the quick summary. more later. maybe. i'm really hoping the drama ceases. i can't take this for another 31 weeks. i will go insane.

thanks for all your prayers, i definitely felt them throughout the night and morning.

this baby sure does have a wonderful and powerful future or i don't think satan would be working so hard to steal him/her from me.

dare i

blog again.....but we are having yet again another moment of "drama" in our pregnancy. i started cramping tonight while i was out, and then realized i was "leaking" something and knew instantly it was blood. i rushed home and sure enough, there were some clots and i had bled a lot. i panicked, called the dr, who said come in first thing in the morning, then called my husband who is at work. he wanted more details than i had to give him. i got really sick, bled a lot more and then called my mom. she came over and will stay with me for the night and be with my daughter in the morning so we don't have to take her to this dreaded appointment. i pray it's all going to end up like the last one last week, but i'm highly doubting it. i haven't bled like this accept for the times after i've given birth. please pray baby is safe and nestled inside and my body is just revolting against me. otherwise, pray for our family, because another loss, another baby gone, another roller coaster ride and i'm about to run in front of a bus, A BUS (that one's for you kelly). i'll update tomorrow. hopefully.

9 weeks

well, we are just about 9 weeks pregnant now. i can't believe how fast it's going (most people think THAT sounds crazy, but when you find out for sure at only 4 weeks, you have a super long pregnancy).  i still can't believe we are pregnant.  i am so very thankful to be allowed to carry another child. Being our 3rd pregnancy, and our 8th child, my clothes don't fit. I can squeeze into most of them, but I have to stay standing. Sitting down is impossible. I couldn't believe I had to break out the maternity clothes already. Good thing I bought a few summer things last year. I vowed to take pictures each week. we never did get around to doing that with the triplets. each week was quite the feat, and so unfortunately, i barely have any pics of me pregnant with the trips. i have one video of claire kissing my belly when there were 5 babies in there, but there isn't any sound. it's sad.

she knows there is a baby in my belly. she asks to hold and see the baby already. i tell her, God willing, she will get to in february. she kisses my belly all the time. no prompting, no talking about the baby. she will walk up to me, lift my shirt, say "baby in mommy's belly" and kiss my belly. sometimes once, sometimes a bunch of times. i love her sweet, gentle heart.

i haven't been as sick as i was with claire, or with the triplets this time. i was the first couple weeks, but since about 8 1/2 weeks the nausea isn't anything i can't handle. i'm still sick every day (thankful for it, believe me), but i can function. i am eating more than just Ensure. Thankful for that too. The only problem I have is staying full. Every time I eat, it keeps me satisfied for about a 1/2 hour. Then, I have to eat again. That means boy right? i don't remember being like this with claire. well, i was also in bed or in the bathroom for 20 weeks. with the triplets i was always hungry, obviously. but this time, just one....i wonder. and the fact that i'm not as sick. my mother was really sick with all the girls, and not with my brother. september/october is when we find out. excited to know.

i'll post pics. just not this time.

Such a Beautiful Song

I heard this song, and it spoke right to my heart. I miss Malia and Anthony Jr and Nathan more than I can put to words, every single day. Most days my husband and I talk about them, about what they were like when they were inside of me, about their personalities before we met them on this earth. We talk about how beautiful they were and who had who's nose/ears/eyes/chin/feet. I love those moments, because it's like they are that much closer to me. I know I will see them again when I get to heaven. I miss them terribly while I wait on earth though. This song says exactly what I've said all along, only a bit more eloquently, and without the heaving sobs in between. 

Safe!

Baby is safe and nestled in my uterus. Strong heartbeat, looks healthy and perfect.

Dr isn't sure what passed, could be mucus plug. I really think it's a cruel joke to make a mucus plug look like a 7 1/2 week baby in the womb though. And those that saw it definitely agree it looks JUST like what a baby would look like.

You think I would be relieved right?

Wrong.

The dr and me, we're going to be best friends. In fact, I'm thinking of asking her if she would mind  bringing her ultrasound machine and just shacking up in my spare room for the next 32 weeks. I'll make it worth her while.

They wanted me to keep my original appointment for Thursday this week, so BONUS! I only have to wait a few more days instead of an entire week!

This is going to be a long 9 months. I'm hoping drama free!

Back to the barfing and scarfing down Miralax. Phew! So thankful! Seriously!

Nervous

I'm nervous. I've been nervous since the day I lost my triplets. I was nervous I couldn't get pregnant again, nervous if I did, if I would be able to carry baby to term, nervous of how I'd feel if I got pregnant, or if I couldn't.

Well, we got pregnant after many attempts. We made it to our first ultrasound on Thursday the 5th. Baby measured perfect. We didn't get to hear the heartbeat, but we DID get to see the heartbeat. Dr said everything looked perfect and baby looked healthy. She printed us our first official picture of the baby. I left there, thinking I would feel a sense of relief. I didn't though. I worried about what could happen between then and our next ultrasound the next week.

I don't want to complain. I really can't stand people who complain about their pregnancies, and the symptoms, and aches, pains, etc. Honestly, what do people think? It's not a picnic growing a person inside of you, but the outcome? The most amazing miracle that God has allowed us to partake in? Who dares to complain? So I may briefly cry out to my husband, but I try super hard not to complain. I get very sick. Every pregnancy. Never has failed. With my first, I was on meds by 9 weeks because I couldn't even keep water down and ended up in the ER. It's got a name, hyper-something-or-other. I don't pay attention. I just know I have to be careful and there's nothing I can do about it, I WILL be nauseous, vomiting, and just plain sick for a while. With my first it lasted only 20 weeks. With the Triplets it lasted 14 weeks. It all starts like clockwork, at 7 weeks. I also get the whole constipated for weeks on end. 3 is the longest I've gone. I learned early, take LOTS of Miralax. Again, doesn't help the nausea, but in the end....soooooo worth what my body is doing. Well, like clockwork, 7 weeks hit. I was sicker than a dog. Popping my nausea pills like they were candy. Not able to curb it sometimes, laying in bed longer hoping for it to go away. It's been a week. I only threw up twice. I consider that victory. I've learned how to really breath through it, control the urge to lose my lunch, and let's be honest, breakfast and dinner and everything in between.

This next part, you may not want to read. It's really TMI. So I won't be offended if you don't read it.




This afternoon, I spotted a little. Nothing I would even call the dr about. Nothing that worried me, the worrier, about. We went to a family birthday party, and I went to the bathroom. I looked down and in the toilet was a piece of flesh looking particle. The size of my fingernail. I fished it out because I was so scared it was the baby. I was not bleeding. I was not cramping. It was nothing but a flesh colored "particle" that to me, looked like a baby. I called my husband into the bathroom and tried very hard not to panic. He agreed it looked like the baby and we excused ourselves to call the dr. The dr seems to think it's nothing because there is no cramping or bleeding. He says if I passed the baby, there wouldn't be something I could tell because it would be in a large clot. I don't believe him. I don't rest easier hearing that. Either what I passed is my baby, or it's something inside of me that eerily looks like a baby to me. He said he's sorry that there's nothing I can do, but to wait and go in first thing in the morning for an ultrasound. So, we are getting up early tomorrow and dragging my daughter to the dr's office. We are hoping to see the baby with a healthy strong heartbeat on the screen, but I'm trying to prepare myself for not seeing it.

After losing a baby a week for 3 weeks last time, and then every week was a different surprise, I'm not comfortable from ultrasound to ultrasound. I'm scared and nervous, and worried and sick. So, if you think of it, please pray for us. We could use it. I hope to update tomorrow with an "all's well". But let's be honest, if it's not, I may fall of the face of the earth for a bit. My heart's had enough.