Nervous

I'm nervous. I've been nervous since the day I lost my triplets. I was nervous I couldn't get pregnant again, nervous if I did, if I would be able to carry baby to term, nervous of how I'd feel if I got pregnant, or if I couldn't.

Well, we got pregnant after many attempts. We made it to our first ultrasound on Thursday the 5th. Baby measured perfect. We didn't get to hear the heartbeat, but we DID get to see the heartbeat. Dr said everything looked perfect and baby looked healthy. She printed us our first official picture of the baby. I left there, thinking I would feel a sense of relief. I didn't though. I worried about what could happen between then and our next ultrasound the next week.

I don't want to complain. I really can't stand people who complain about their pregnancies, and the symptoms, and aches, pains, etc. Honestly, what do people think? It's not a picnic growing a person inside of you, but the outcome? The most amazing miracle that God has allowed us to partake in? Who dares to complain? So I may briefly cry out to my husband, but I try super hard not to complain. I get very sick. Every pregnancy. Never has failed. With my first, I was on meds by 9 weeks because I couldn't even keep water down and ended up in the ER. It's got a name, hyper-something-or-other. I don't pay attention. I just know I have to be careful and there's nothing I can do about it, I WILL be nauseous, vomiting, and just plain sick for a while. With my first it lasted only 20 weeks. With the Triplets it lasted 14 weeks. It all starts like clockwork, at 7 weeks. I also get the whole constipated for weeks on end. 3 is the longest I've gone. I learned early, take LOTS of Miralax. Again, doesn't help the nausea, but in the end....soooooo worth what my body is doing. Well, like clockwork, 7 weeks hit. I was sicker than a dog. Popping my nausea pills like they were candy. Not able to curb it sometimes, laying in bed longer hoping for it to go away. It's been a week. I only threw up twice. I consider that victory. I've learned how to really breath through it, control the urge to lose my lunch, and let's be honest, breakfast and dinner and everything in between.

This next part, you may not want to read. It's really TMI. So I won't be offended if you don't read it.




This afternoon, I spotted a little. Nothing I would even call the dr about. Nothing that worried me, the worrier, about. We went to a family birthday party, and I went to the bathroom. I looked down and in the toilet was a piece of flesh looking particle. The size of my fingernail. I fished it out because I was so scared it was the baby. I was not bleeding. I was not cramping. It was nothing but a flesh colored "particle" that to me, looked like a baby. I called my husband into the bathroom and tried very hard not to panic. He agreed it looked like the baby and we excused ourselves to call the dr. The dr seems to think it's nothing because there is no cramping or bleeding. He says if I passed the baby, there wouldn't be something I could tell because it would be in a large clot. I don't believe him. I don't rest easier hearing that. Either what I passed is my baby, or it's something inside of me that eerily looks like a baby to me. He said he's sorry that there's nothing I can do, but to wait and go in first thing in the morning for an ultrasound. So, we are getting up early tomorrow and dragging my daughter to the dr's office. We are hoping to see the baby with a healthy strong heartbeat on the screen, but I'm trying to prepare myself for not seeing it.

After losing a baby a week for 3 weeks last time, and then every week was a different surprise, I'm not comfortable from ultrasound to ultrasound. I'm scared and nervous, and worried and sick. So, if you think of it, please pray for us. We could use it. I hope to update tomorrow with an "all's well". But let's be honest, if it's not, I may fall of the face of the earth for a bit. My heart's had enough.