png">Yesterday = not a good day.
i am off work again today. i went to get my cast. the appointment lasted 2 hours. we got seen and the dr asked "who the heck put your splint on?!" i told her 2 nurses from the ER. they put it on wrong. my foot was flexed, which means it was pulling on my fracture, which explains the excruciating pain all day/night long. so i had to work for about a half hour getting my foot to a right angle to cast it. that was incredibly painful. i got the cast put on. i picked black. i was going to go with pink, but it apparently gets dirty fast. this thing is going to be with me a while, and i hate dirty. so i went with black. after that, i got an xray to make sure the fracture didn't spread because of the incompetent people in the ER splinting me. xrays were good, and i go back in a week to make sure it's healing properly. i can't put any pressure on it for at least 2 weeks, they will check and see if i can put a boot on and start walking on it. i did a number on it. should be off in 4 - 6 weeks. nice.
today, i fell. i got up from my desk chair while my desk drawer was open. i forgot my desk drawer was open. i tripped. i was wearing sucky shoes. i went down on my ankle. it looked disgusting. my foot was one way and my leg was the other. i instantly knew it was broken. it was the worst physical pain ever. worse than labor. seriously. i laid writhing on the floor. my boss and another lady in our office came running out to see why i was crying out and saying "ow" over and over. my boss ended up calling 911 for an ambulance cause i was in so much pain and needed to be careful moving it. the ambulance had to call for pain control to come because i was in shock from the pain and my ankle was clearly deformed. on the ambulance i got morphine. it actually worked this time. they had to give me 10 of morphine. the max dosage. they took xrays, and found a fracture in my fibia down by my ankle. they splinted it, and tomorrow i will get a cast. the pain is terrible. vicodin isn't working. why don't they send you home with morphine!? just kidding....sort of.
No, I did not blog yesterday. I didn't even realize it until today. It's not even 1 month into this whole "I'm going to blog every day this year"...and I failed. I'm a failure. (I'm totally not serious about the whole "I'm a failure" thing...so don't worry. You don't have to call in the troops).
My daughter has a "horrific" ear infection. That's right folks. Go big or go home. That's our motto in our home. If you can't have something HUGE wrong, then just don't bother. Last Thursday she came down with a head cold. Daddy gave it to her as he was just wrapping up his week long battle with it. So Thursday night my daughter was up for hours in the middle of the night. Clutching me, crying, not letting me put her down. We slept standing up leaning on a wall at some point I think. I just thought she couldn't breath. Nasty green snot was running from her nose. Sneezes sent my husband and I running from the other side of the house to clean up the HUGE mess of snot that came with it. Friday night, up again. Saturday night, again. Sunday we decided to stay home from church because she still had a bad cold. I don't like when people take their sick kids to nursery. **seriously people, your mansion isn't going to be bigger because you don't miss church even when your kid is sick!!** I hate when I take my daughter to the nursery and there are a handful of kids with neon green snot coming out of their noses. I can almost bank on the fact that in 7 - 10 days, my daughter WILL be sick. So, I don't bring my child when she's sick. It means we miss a lot of church in the winter, but thankfully, I have the ability to watch my church online. She needs to be home when she's sick, taken care of by her mommy and/or daddy. OK, bunny trail over. Anyways, she woke from her nap on Sunday, a brief 40 min nap, crying and holding her ear. She would point to her ear and start saying "ow" and scream/cry. Great timing. Sunday afternoon. I can do nothing. I gave her Motrin and Tylenol every 3 hours. Monday morning I called the dr to make an appointment with her pediatrician. I had other things I needed to go over with her, so I figured I would kill about 7 birds with 1 stone. They made our appointment for 11am. It was 8. My child was screaming. When she refused M&M's (her FAVORITE) for a calming bribe, I new I couldn't wait. I packed her up and went in for walk-ins. We got there at 9 on the dot. We were there until 11 I might add. 11am. AND I didn't get to see her dr. That sucked royally. The nurse practitioner we did see was thorough though, so I am thankful for that. I described how very odd it seemed that since the beginning of October my daughter has been sick with one thing or another. I asked if this was normal. "No, absolutely not" was her answer. Awesome. At least you know how to keep a worried parent from freaking OUT! We went on to go over everything she's had since October, her symptoms this time, and then she barely looked in my daughters ear and said "Wow, that looks horrific". Did I mention this lady has a gift with words? She looked her over and pointed out the "rash" on her face that I have addressed every time I go to the dr's office and no one's been able to reassure me of what exactly it is. I'll get back to that. She then gives my daughter numbing drops in her ear, chewable Amoxicillin, and Advil. We started talking about the rash at this point. I told her it's been there since she's been a baby. That the dr's have said it was broken blood vessels from crying or throwing up, etc. My daughter SCREAMED as a baby. A lot. All day. And she threw up a lot too from her severe acid reflux. So I bought it. But lately, she doesn't cry, she hasn't thrown up in months....and it's still there. STILL THERE! So, I want answers. She asked if my daughter has eczema. I told her yes, patches all over her body. They are bad in the winter and seem to go away through the summer. She told me that those patches on her face were a form of eczema. There is apparently 3 or 4 kinds, and she has at least 2 of them. Like I said....go big or go home. It's just what we do.
ALL that to say, I didn't blog yesterday. I didn't have time. Taking care of my daughter who clutches her ear, won't sleep, and won't stop crying in pain, still maintaining my house, making meals, doing diapers/laundry...then as soon as my husband walked in the door yesterday, I walked out to put in a few hours at work so I wouldn't be terribly behind...I crashed when I got home. We ate, we ran around being silly with my daughter who started perking up, and we went right to bed. After watching Grey's Anatomy of course (that's a post for another day).
Walking with You - Meeting Our Babies
Meeting our babies was bittersweet. It wasn't supposed to happen so soon. I felt like I needed to push, and the pain was pretty intense. I had decided against and epidural because I wanted to feel as much as I could with their birth. It was going to be the very last time I would ever get to feel them inside of me, and I wanted to be aware of every single moment and know exactly what was going on.
It was 7:20ish in the morning on a Sunday, August 28, 2011, and the dr said if I was ready, Baby A was right there and I could push. I looked at my husband. I didn't want to. I wanted to keep them inside as long as I could. I could still feel Anthony Jr and Malia moving. This wasn't right! As I looked at my husband, he looked back, nodded, held me and through tears and determination I pushed. At 7:26AM Baby A was pronounced a boy! My first son! Nathan Richard was his name. I didn't get to see him, because instantly my water broke for Baby B, Malia. A few pushes later, Malia Elizabeth was born at 7:32AM. I still didn't get to meet her or Nathan just yet. The nurse took Malia and cut her cord. My husband couldn't look yet, he and I were just holding each other crying. Baby C, Anthony Thomas Jr's sac wouldn't break. The pressure was almost unbearable. It shot down my legs, into my feet. I was screaming, partially from physical pain, partially from emotional pain. My dr finally had to break his water because he was trying to come out, sac and all. My water burst, and when I say burst, it went all over my dr, across the room, I even felt it up my arms! He was under a LOT of pressure. Finally, at 7:46AM Anthony Thomas Jr was born. I quickly asked if they were alive. I had been informed that because they were so premature, they most likely wouldn't survive the birth process. My dr answered, yes, yes they were born alive! I cried harder! Their first entry into the world they didn't get to go right onto my chest! I begged for them. I remember crying how I didn't want them to die alone, I can't believe they would have to die alone! The dr quickly had the nurse place them on my chest and listen to their hearts. They were still alive. First, Malia, then Anthony Jr each took a breath. They both kept smiles on their faces. Nathan was on my chest as well. I held them tight. I kissed their faces. I wept. My heart was torn. I never felt that way before in my life. The grief was more than I could bare! I looked them over from head to toe. I unwrapped them. We marveled at how much like my oldest Anthony Jr looked...also like daddy. And how much Malia and Nathan looked like my baby pictures. It was so nice to know A couple of my children would look like me. My oldest is a spitting image of my husband.
I didn't know how much someone could love. My heart exploded with my first daughter was born. When my triplets were born, it exploded all over again. What do you mean I couldn't bring these 3 precious children of mine home!?
I couldn't stop looking at them. I covered them and uncovered them over and over again. I whispered how much they were loved, how safe they would be, how beautiful they were and how much their sister would love them. I told them about how they looked like their daddy or their mommy. I touched every inch of their skin. I kissed every part of them. I examined their faces, their head, their bellies, their fingers, toes....their little butt cheeks. All of them. I couldn't stop looking. But I had to. I wouldn't stop bleeding and the cords came detached from the placentas, and the placentas wouldn't come out of me. Double dose of morphine, dr trying as hard as he could, they wouldn't budge. I had to go to surgery. I begged them to let me stay with my babies. We were running out of time though and my infection wouldn't go away until the placentas came out. They promised that my babies would be in my room when I returned. The nurse weighed them, dressed them all while the dr was trying to do everything he could to keep me out of surgery so I could stay with the babies. I kissed them goodbye. They were pronounced dead just before they had to take me to surgery.
I can still smell their little heads. I can still feel their skin on my lips when I would kiss their sweet faces. My beautiful Nathan, Malia, and Anthony Jr.
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Please lift Abby Joy, just a baby, up in prayer. She has recently been diagnosed with a brain tumor. And while I don't know her, or her parents, I do know her aunt and uncle. I know the emotions that can run through your head when someone you love has an unfavorable diagnosis. Please pray for this beautiful little girl, and her family. Pray that God shows the side of Him that gave Him the name of Jehovah Rapha.
...who knows me inside and out. She's quiet when I need to be quiet. She's funny when I need a laugh. She's wise when I need advice. I don't have to say what I'm thinking or feeling, and she knows exactly what is on my mind and my heart.
everyone needs it. especially from the ones they love. a husband needs it from his wife. a wife needs it from her husband. a child needs it from their parents. parents need it from their children. acknowledgement that you are doing a great job, or that you are trying hard, or that you are going out of your way to make life easier for others. when you don't get it, you feel like your hard work, your acts of kindness go unnoticed. the bible calls us all to be encouraging. whether it's something that comes easy to you or not, you are called to build up, to edify, to encourage one another. your simple words of "i understand", "i feel for you", "you're doing a great job", "thank you"....they could go a long way. encouragement doesn't mean a 500 word essay on someones life or accomplishments...it can mean a simple hug, or a smile and some kind words. you may be the only encouragement someone has that day. so instead of being selfish and thinking only of how something would affect you, encourage someone. even if it's against everything you know how to do. stop, think, and use your words to build someone up. God made us to need that from others. and whether you believe it of not, God made you able to encourage. try it...in the end, it will make you feel better as well.
just came back on and i NEED to get to bed to sleep. i only stayed up in case i needed to start bailing the sump crock. now i'm off to bed. my mind is too fried to add anything to my "journal" tonight. i'll leave you with this link to this video/song. one that i currently am in love with right now....
My daughter is nearly 20 months old. I can't even believe it. She is growing so fast, and every single day she is doing or saying something new. She loves to mimic. Now, I know that all children this age are quick to pick up things and always ready to mimic those around them. My daughter, she takes the cake though. I absolutely love everything about her, even her stubborn, hard headed, independent little parts of her personality. I have mentioned in previous posts about how when I vacuum, my daughter runs to hers and follows. When it's packed up, she throws a fit, for AT LEAST 10 minutes! That hasn't changed. When I pick the vacuum up to vacuum the furniture instead or using the attachment, she watches, and now, she picks up her vacuum and vacuums the furniture. She holds onto the wall and stretches around corners. I have to get this on video...it's hilarious.
I know, I know. I get it. But, seriously?
My body is now even more of a medical mystery. We went to the Dr. Wednesday for the HSG and to start injectables. We didn't get to start because of my lining being so thick so, I had to go get blood work to figure it all out. Yesterday, the Dr. called to let me know my estrogen levels were at 187. They like the baseline to be no higher than 80 to start a fertility cycle. They were "baffled" as to why it was so high. They wouldn't give me any reasoning as to why though and said they needed to do a few more tests on my blood and I could call back Friday.
Well...she just called back.
Apparently, they were concerned I was pregnant!!!...and you can't be pregnant if you get the HSG test. It will kill the baby. Good (weird to say) news is I wasn't pregnant! Phew, that's my worst nightmare, being pregnant and not knowing it and having a test done that could be detrimental to the baby. I wasn't though because my HCG and progesterone levels were at 0. She is still "baffled". There's that word again.
She said it's 1 of 2 things. 1) I'm about to "miraculously" ovulate on my own (she used the word "miraculously"...though it really would be) or 2) I have dysfunctional PCOS where I have many many small follicles producing too much estrogen in which I would need to go on birth control for a week to lower my estrogen levels.
She told me in her thousands of cases of PCOS patients, she's never seen anything like mine.
Awesome. Again, I'm difficult.
We decided to wait, pray, and you know....in hopes that on Tuesday when I get another blood test for estrogen and progesterone levels that it will show I did in fact ovulate. If not, well, we deal with that when it comes. I don't need any more difficulties along this road, so I really hope and pray my body is about to ovulate.
On that note...don't come a knockin' if the ......you get it.
I came across this blog sometime in the last few months, and sadly, have a connection with this mom, as she too lost her son and daughter to preterm labor. She received a gift from the Arbour Day Foundation and decided that in honor of her twins, she was going to compile a list of other mom's who've lost their babies either to miscarriage, infant death, preterm labor, etc. She displays it beautifully here. My beautiful children each have their very own tree now, and I'm so proud to be among a forest of other beautiful children that have gone to heaven before their mommy's trees.
Grow strong! Your mommies all miss you!
HSG clear. Non-symmetrical uterus. Lots of stretching last pregnancy, plus the D&C caused this. Not a problem to us getting pregnant though. That's good news. Procedure was least pleasant, but I've been through worse. I just kept picturing my last time I was in the hospital laying on a cold metal table...not able to shake that feeling, that was worse than the procedure.
Sufficient Grace Ministries has a blog, and they are doing a segment called Walking With You. Each Monday, you write about the topic they have already picked out and link up to their blog. This way other families can read about your walk, and vice versa. You can know you aren't alone, and it can bring some comfort in how others walk this unique journey. I decided I want to try and do this for the next 10 Monday's that they have topics for. Today, Monday the 9th of January, 2012 is talking about "The First Steps (sharing the first part of the journey...finding out something was wrong with our baby)".
And no, we aren't putting a ceiling down there. I'll be darned if I pay anymore taxes to this town then I already outrageously do.
I think next week I will change the titles of these posts.
