Day Three

Perfect Peace. Have you ever experienced it? I don't think I have. Not that I'm aware of, and I would think that it would be something one would be aware of.

I listened to a song today by Laura Story. (If you haven't already noticed, take notice. I am currently obsessed with her!) It was called "Perfect Peace". AND if you haven't read previously, songs are a big part of how God speaks to me, and when I say "big", I mean one of the only. I don't "hear" God in sunsets, subways, people, things. I "hear" Him speaking to me through His word, and the music that He anoints people with.

You can see the video HERE. There was no really good video, sorry. This is the only one that wasn't filled with pictures of a white, beautiful, brown haired, blue eyed Jesus. Part of the song goes like this:

In this time of trial

Pain that no one sees

Trust Me when I say

I will give you perfect peace

And you'll never walk alone

And you'll never be in need

Though I may not calm the storms around you

You can hide in Me

I pray for it. My husband and I pray for it. Every night. The peace that makes the storms around us be calmed. The storms that cause my head to fill with "what if's" and "if only's". The storms that make my stomach suck in and my lungs lose all breath. People forget. They can go on with their lives. I don't blame them, I would want to as well. But I don't forget. I can't move on. We go on with our lives because we have to, not because we want to. I think maybe we'd want to if we had that perfect peace. I come home to an empty nursery still. I carry with me the weight I never lost because I didn't nurse. Who has time to "work it off" when you are trying to hold yourself together, raise a toddler and grieve? I think "it's been 4 months already, when does this get better?" and at the exact same time "it's only been 4 months, I would hope I wouldn't just be over the death of 3 children like that!" To the average person, even to the above average person, I'm sure I look like my life is going on. Like I have it all together and my family is great. Underneath though, I ache. It's a pain I can't describe with words, and I pray no one else I ever know has to go through it. It's so easy to talk to other women who have been through it. They don't think it's odd to bring up my dead babies. They don't think I'm crazy, or depressed, or need help. They understand. They follow my thoughts. They ask how I'm doing, and I don't have to lie. They ask how I'm doing period. While the rest of "my world" has been able to push the loss of mine out of their lives, and their minds...I live it. Every day I am the mom to 6 babies in heaven, and 1 beautiful healthy funny toddler on earth. I don't know how to maintain that balance. So I pray. I pray for perfect peace. The peace that can help me be a better mom, a better wife, a better child of God. People have told me not to get "stuck" in my grief. How do you stop grieving a loss like this? How do you wake up one day and say "I'm ok with what happened. Now, let's have breakfast" ? I don't want to ever be ok with it. I want it to wreck me everyday. I want to realize how fragile life is every day. I want to be reminded that our God is greater and bigger and is the One who gives and takes life away. So if that's means I'm "stuck" in my grief, then so be it. I'm waiting for that perfect peace while I'm here though. I'm praying for it, and clinging to the promise that it's mine.