png">This week is talking about how you said goodbye, funerals, memorials, etc.
We didn't have a funeral, nor did we have a memorial. I didn't want a funeral. I knew that right off the bat. I wanted what we had to go through to be private. Silly, I know. I blog to anyone who comes across this link about our life, and and I wanted to be private. What did I know. I just gave birth to life and death in the matter of hours. A close friend of mine, the best of the best, works as the care pastor of my church. She asked what we wanted to do, and before she could even go on I cut her off. No funeral. No memorial service. Nothing. Just us, and our little family to say goodbye. My husband didn't even give it a second thought. I thought briefly about it. After getting home, and making the plans with the funeral parlor with the urns (my husband and father-in-law did all that), and then having to go pick the urns up....being in the funeral parlor....Anthony, Claire, and myself...walking in the room and opening up the royal blue cases with their urns. It became real. This is it. It's done. No big goodbye service, no one paying their respects, no one knowing they were real, bodies, minds, spirits, souls. I cried. I sobbed. I tried to hold it together, and I couldn't. I carried my children home in a leather zipped up pouch. Who does that!? Finally, all my children were together with me though, and I felt at peace for a moment.
My goodbyes were whispered into their ears multiple times through the day they were born and the following morning. Hugging them tight, telling them if I didn't have to, I would never let them go. Telling them I was sorry, and I loved them with all my heart. Telling them not to be scared, they were going to be with Jesus who loved them even more than I could. Kissing their faces, tears washing over them as I unwrapped them and wrapped them back up hundreds of times, and I kissed every ounce of their bodies. Those were my goodbyes.
Weeks later, I asked my husband if he regretted not having a service for them. He was quick to say no, absolutely not. I did. I still do. It's 5 months later. Can't have one anymore. I want to invite the world to see them! I wish now that I had more family and friends see them at the hospital. I wouldn't want them to hold them. That was sacred to me. But to see them. Maybe it's because I want everyone to realize they were born. They were born. Stop calling it a "miscarriage". It wasn't a miscarriage. They were born. I went through labor and delivery. I held my breathing, living children in my arms when they took their first breaths and when they took their last. I have birth certificates, and death certificates.
I should have had a service honoring them. I should have gone to the funeral home to help pick out their urns. I feel like I have failed them in so many ways. I have a lot of guilt and regret that's built up over the past 5 months. And those are some of the biggest.
6 comments:
Many Hugs!!! I will be praying for you! It is so easy to regret how we did things. We have to chose to be thankful for the things we did do. I am so sorry!
I am only starting to realize some of the regrets that I have from that time. Almost no one saw the babies since I was in a hospital in a different town from where I live (even my husband wasn't there when they were born). I did not have a funeral either, but a few weeks after they were born I had a memorial open house. I put out things of theirs, and I used the time when people visited to tell them about the boys. I am continuing to pray for you.
Oh...I can feel the cry of your mama heart in this post. And, I so get it. We do the best we can. This is not a path we know how to walk, and there is no manual to tell us how. No right or wrong. No window into the future to tell us what we will regret. Or what will help comfort our grieving hearts. We do the best we can. I have many regrets, and one of them is that I didn't have more people attend Thomas' funeral. I am ok with being private about our Faith and Grace. Felt very protective of their tiny bodies. And, glad we had a few very close friends and family to see Thomas. But, sometimes I wish we would have done more...allowed more of our family and close friends to see that they were here. They lived. These little ones that left gaping holes in our hearts existed. They are real. They mattered...and still matter. I know that I didn't have to have a big funeral to make that true. It already is true...whether others get it fully or not. But, still I sometimes regret it. I also regret not having our oldest son with us and more involved in the process. Regret it so much. But, I cannot go back and must embrace God's grace for the choices we made during our time of most broken hearted pain. I must find peace with the truth that we did the best we could. We loved our little ones. And, we know that they were here. They mattered. They were real. They lived. We know. God knows. And, I guess that's what matters most.
Praying for your sweet mama heart and you grieve and walk this difficult path, enduring all that goes along with it. Love to you...
I'm so sorry you have to live with the regrets...I certainly know how regrets can sting and it sucks :(
(((hugs)))
It's not too late for a memorial service if you want one. I know people who waited months and then had a memorial service to honor their loved one. There's no rule saying a service has to be close after a person has passed away. It's just what funeral homes do. I'm sure many of us have regrets and wish we could have done some things differently.
Hi I am new to sufficient grace ministries. We just lost our sweet baby boy a month ago. Your post touched me so much we also cremated our Jonathan. We have not had a service for him and I wonder if I will carry regrets over that decision. I am so happy to have found a place where I can read about other women walking the same path I am on.
Thank you for your post.
Tesha
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