FIrst Steps

Sufficient Grace Ministries has a blog, and they are doing a segment called Walking With You. Each Monday, you write about the topic they have already picked out and link up to their blog. This way other families can read about your walk, and vice versa. You can know you aren't alone, and it can bring some comfort in how others walk this unique journey. I decided I want to try and do this for the next 10 Monday's that they have topics for. Today, Monday the 9th of January, 2012 is talking about "The First Steps (sharing the first part of the journey...finding out something was wrong with our baby)".

This doesn't pertain so much to our situation. We didn't find out anything was wrong with any of our children. They were all healthy and thriving. At 14 weeks, when my water broke, we were given the choice to terminate Baby A's life, they gave us a choice to kill Nathan. Without even talking, my husband and I knew that wasn't a choice. We would carry our babies, no matter what was wrong with them, to term. We declined. There was a slim chance that the tear in my sac could heal and would fill back up with amniotic fluid. We wanted to take that chance. We believe in a God that can do miracles. We waited. We knew the risk of infection was great. Even if they terminated Baby A, there was still a high risk for Baby B, Malia, and Baby C, Anthony Jr, to die because of the possible infection, and after going inside the risk of infection to the others heightened. It was crazy. Each week that passed without signs of infection were a plus. Our dr said the further away we got from the initial water breaking without infection, the more it meant we most likely wouldn't get an infection. The only down side to this was I don't show signs and symptoms of infection. I never know I'm sick until I get my husband or daughter sick. I don't get detectable fevers, rarely ever! So each week going in, seeing my cervix length not change, seeing no symptoms of infection meant a pregnancy that would end well, and with our children coming home with us. Nathan was still at risk because there was no fluid needed to develop different organs during his growth, but it wasn't a 0% chance, so we were waiting in hope. Each appointment we went to we were anxious. Every week the drive to the dr's office was spent in prayer and with words of life spoken. We just KNEW there would be fluid in Nathan's sac. Each week we left in tears and disappointment that this week wasn't the week of a miracle. We never stopped believing though. God knew the outcome, and He knew how He would hold us through each week of disappointments. I would see fluid in Nathan's kidneys and bladder, and be excited, though not much more than a teaspoon, there was fluid. Nathan was producing fluid. That meant nothing was functionally wrong with him. It was all on my sac healing so the fluid would stay in and not leak out constantly like it was. Hope was our theme, our mantra, our something we clung to in those following weeks. We cried a lot, and we prayed a lot. I still remember each night my husband would pray for our children, and then kiss my belly and whisper things to them. Most of the time I couldn't hear. He said it was his little secrets with them. I heard a few times though, and in the midst of saying things like "daddy loves you", and "kick momma really hard cause she's a pain in my butt" (kidding of course!), and "wait til you meet your sister"....he said things like "hold onto Jesus", "let Jesus be your strength", and "keep fighting for your lives". How many people have to say that to their unborn children? I know no one personally, but at the same time, since we were thrown into this journey...I've met way to many.

At 21 weeks and 5 days, as I just finished handing my daughter off to my husband to put down in her crib (because I was not allowed to lift her since my water had broke). I went to the bathroom to shower and my husband was about to leave to run errands. I went to the bathroom, and when I looked down to wipe I saw it. I screamed. It's forever in my mind. Nathan's umbilical cord was looped and hanging down. Hanging between my legs. I knew that wasn't good. I knew that whatever it meant, it didn't mean that I would make it to the end of this pregnancy with 3 healthy babies. I got up and ran to the stairs and screamed for my husband. He came running, thank GOD he didn't leave yet! He called 911 and I was rushed to the hospital. It was confirmed when I got there that Nathan didn't have a heartbeat anymore. The pressure on his cord had cut off the blood flow. We cried. We sobbed, and sounds that should never come out of people came out of us. We then heard worse news. I had a bad infection and the risk of me dying was too high. We had to give birth to the babies, all of them. Most likely, the other 2 were infected as well. And while we could hope that after giving birth to Nathan my cervix would close and we would be able to save Malia and Anthony Jr, it was a slim hope. I didn't have much energy to hope anymore. I wanted to close my eyes and be back at home with my daughter playing. I wanted my large belly to be in the way, and my daughter to kiss and pat it again. I couldn't focus and my husband and I made the decision that I wonder about every day still. We induced. We prayed, we cried, and we induced labor. 12 hours later, we met our beautiful triplets. Malia and Anthony were alive, but too young to survive. I still wonder every day about that as well. Sometimes the guilt is overwhelming and I can't catch my breath. Sometimes I wonder if I would have survived, and Malia and Anthony Jr could have too. I don't know. I just don't know. Some days I have a peace though. A peace that I know only comes from the One who formed each of my beautiful children. Who gets to spend each day with them. And I wait. I wait for that day when I can be with them again.

--------------------------------------------------------

I found many blogs to be helpful. I just searched online and found one which would lead me to another. They helped me not feel so alone, and understand what I was going through, and warned me of what would be to come.

I read books. One I love is called HEAVEN by Randy Alcorn. It gives a wonderful picture of what my children are doing now, and gives me a peace about where they are and how I will see them again one day.

----------------------------------------------------------

PRAYER REQUEST: We start the fertility process again this week. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm excited. Please pray for a peace, and direction. Wisdom for the dr's to choose the right timing, and that few but good follicles will form.