Clinging in the Pit

January 14, 2013 ~ Clinging in the Pit

If you are not new to loss, talk a bit about early grief. What was it like, clinging for hope in the pits of despair? What did you cling to for hope? How did you survive the early days? What helped? What do you wish you could share with someone new to this walk, clinging in the pit? If you’re in the pit, currently, share your struggles. What can others do to encourage you?

Joining in a little "early" this week, as my week starts to get crazy tomorrow, I wanted to write and link up to WWY through Sufficient Grace Ministries. (Well that's as far as I got. It's now "tomorrow", and I am going to try to get out everything that's on my mind.)

It's been over a year and a half, and while that really is still new, it also feels like such a long time ago that I held my children in my arms. Early grief was awful. I never want to feel that way again. Ever. I couldn't focus on simple tasks. I barely could get out of bed. I went through the motions. I had a 15 month at home to "live" for. She still needed to be cared for and have her daily needs met. We took a lot of family trips. We didn't leave each other's sides for weeks. I remember I would wake up crying, I would go to bed crying, I would be getting dressed and just stop in the middle, go to wherever my husband was and sit on his lap and sob. I said over and over how I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't live without my children here. He would remind me that I needed to live, I still had a husband and a daughter to live this life for. I started to read any and everything about heaven and loss of infants, 3rd trimester losses, etc. I started to feel God's presence more. Not that it wasn't there before, I just didn't want to feel it. I was too numb, with anger, with sadness, with darkness, with lies of why I didn't get to "keep" my children. In the very beginning the only thing I thought was that God didn't like what I was doing with my daughter, so I wasn't going to be allowed to have anymore children. Lies. From the pits of hell. Satan almost had me fooled, but God battled for my heart. Hard. When I realized it, the days got a little easier. I listened to music that ushered the presence of heaven in. I sat and prayed and just soaked in the music for as long as I could. It brought me more hope. It reminded me of who God was, and allowed me to feel his presence when I thought I never could again. I didn't wish I had died too anymore. Don't get me wrong, I will always long for heaven. That is where my heart belongs, and I've never realized it more since my children went there ahead of me. I can't wait to get there, and pray for heaven to come to this earth almost daily.....BUT I live. I don't wish I was dead. I know I have a purpose. I know God has a plan for my life, my family's lives, our "story".

Every one's experience is different, but one thing remains the same. Your child(ren) are no longer with you, and no matter what, that will always leave a place of emptiness in your heart. There is nothing that will fix that hole, there is nothing that will fill that hole, there is nothing that will make that hole go away. Life does and CAN go on though, and your experience may help someone else lost along the way. Clinging to hope, clinging to Jesus, clinging to what God has for you in the future, that is all you can do. His ways are higher than our ways. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. ALL.THE.TIME!