Worry

The bible tells us not to do it. There is no need for it. God will take care of everything. Mercy and grace covers each day.

Let's be real though. I'm not perfect. I'm human. And while I cast most of my cares on Him, the one who knit my children together in my womb, and ordained every day of all of our lives, there are some cares I just can't get rid of. Some worries I just can't shake.

We are just over 3 weeks from D-Day. Dominic's Day, Delivery Day, whatever you prefer. I just got a call this afternoon that I tested positive for Group B Strep. With my first, I wouldn't have worried, even with the triplets, I most likely wouldn't have batted an eye. This time, I started freaking out. I have had one scare after another with Dominic. Serious scares, not just little "oh my gosh can't believe you are freaking out over this" scares. Like passing clots the size of my fist, contractions for hours in the middle of the night WHILE LAYING DOWN. Passing something early on that was identical to what a baby looks like. Extremely low heart rate. You name it. All on the heals of having the worst thing ever to happen to a mother happen. So excuse me while I don't exactly roll over and take the carefree attitude I should be.

I went online. BAD IDEA. I looked up Strep B. I looked up complications it can cause a baby. While there are a few very serious complications that can show up within the first 12 to 24 hrs, and some later in the first 3 months of life, the one that stuck out most was "Stillborn". We were already anxious about delivery because now my daughter can't come to the hospital to meet her baby brother. Not at all. Ridiculous if you ask me. She didn't get to meet her other brothers or sister. This was of utmost importance to us this time around. Now she can't. Ok, take it with a grain of salt, get out of the hospital ASAP after giving birth (which is 24 hrs later). Now that looks like it's not happening either because they keep the babies for 48hrs typically to monitor for symptoms. OBVIOUSLY I want Dominic to be healthy, and would move mountains to make sure he was, even if it meant staying at the hospital for days, just let me see my daughter too! Let me have her meet her brother this time. Before, God forbid, it's too late. Again.

I could be way overreacting. But anyone who knows me knows that the things that "typically" don't happen to the average person, happen to this girl. "It's rare" is never the case with me. It's more like  if they say it's something that's "rare", I should just count on it happening to me. So I'm worried. Really worried actually. I need to just hide for a bit and pray. I need for God to just pass time incredibly quickly so I can have my boy, safe, healthy, and home. I need prayers so I don't go into full panic mode, as I'm really not that far off right now. Where I once prayed for quick delivery, I would like it to go slow so I have enough time for antibiotics. Where I once prayed to go on my own, I want to be in a controlled environment so that he is monitored every.single.step.of.the.way!

And that's my crazy rant for the day.