Being Bold

Our church's message series is all about being bold. In prayer, in our lives, in our faith, in our giving, in our obedience. It's seems like a no-brainer to me....but I will admit it's not. It's hard. I don't know how to be bold, or rather I DO know how, I just have a hard time doing it. Especially, in prayer lately. I pray, all day long, about things from the very little day to day, to the miracles I need in my life. I'm not sure my whole heart is always in it though. I do it because I know I should, I know He hears me, I know He can answer me. Sometimes, I just have a hard time connecting though. I have a hard time being "bold". I have doubt sometimes in my prayer now.

Before August 28th of 2011 I would have told you that I believe 100% that what I pray will come to be. I had no evidence otherwise. I prayed for healing in many different areas of my life, and God always answered these prayers. It may have been slowly answered in my eyes here on earth, but they WERE answered. I was in awe of my God has done in my life, my mind, my body, my heart. So, daily when I would pray for a healthy pregnancy, that my babies would be able to hang on and stay inside until it was safe for them I had full belief that God would answer my prayers. I prayed boldly, against what the dr's were telling us, against all the odds stacked up against them, I prayed boldly that they would live, they would be healthy, they would beat the odds and be miracles and living witnesses of the power of my God.

I do believe God can perform miracles, and a miracle wasn't in the plan the way I saw it fit. At first, I remember my husband would ask me to pray and I would flat out say "no". I couldn't pray to God. I couldn't, at that moment, thank Him, praise Him, cry out to Him. I was angry. I thought "why would He quiet the noise of my heart if I asked Him to, when something that mattered so much more to me, my CHILDREN'S lives weren't spared as I had asked?!" It took weeks for me to pray, and not just pray, but pray boldly. I am still not back to where I was before August 28th. I don't know that I ever will be. That day changed the way I pray. Bold means something different to me today than it did then. Our prayers aren't answered the way we always believe they should be. Not because God doesn't want to, but there is always more to the picture than we can see here on earth. I long to be back to where I was. I long to pray and KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that my God hears me and will answer my pleas. I know this in my head, as I have for a long time. In my heart though, there are pieces still missing from the shattering that took place 5 1/2 short months ago.

"what you believe will determine how you behave." Pierre DuPlessis

I am going to begin to boldy pray that my heart WILL be healed, and I will regain the pieces of my shattered heart. They may be different, but they will all be there.