x Three

it hurts. my heart. my mind. i never thought this would be in my life story. some may not agree, but miscarrying the first 3 of the sextuplets, and then losing these last 3 at birth, it's a completely different loss. we mourned the 3 we never met. we were ok though. i can't explain it with words. it's just a different type of loss. they weren't any less of our children than claire, nathan, malia or anthony jr. but i had over 5 months learning and getting to know the triplets. i knew their personalities, i have many, MANY ultrasound pics of them, video of them. we met them face to face, we saw malia and anthony jr take breaths, we held them in our arms, we kissed their faces. we planned to bring them home. we set up their room. we got them clothes. we named them. i am constantly thinking about my babies. we talk to claire about her brothers and sister everyday as well. how well they would have played together, what they would of fought about, how much she would have loved them. she agrees. she points to the self built upstairs between their bedrooms where their urns rest. i used to dream of when they were older and could sit in their closets and tap secret codes to each other through the wall, like my brother and i used to do when we were little. we were only 20 months apart. claire would have only been at most 18 months older than her siblings. now i think about how she will never know them on this earth. she will never play with them, grow up with them, teach them new things. that makes me sad for her. i pray she will have other siblings one day, God willing. she is a great big sister already, and doesn't even know it. it hurts, physically hurts. some days i don't know how i can do it. how i can mourn them, but "carry on with life". how i can pay attention to claire and love on her, but cry inside all day. i do it though. 3 weeks now. just when i think it's going to get easier, i crumble. i crawl into my husbands arms and he reassures me, we have eternity with them. i read someone say they lost their baby hours after giving birth, and they miss them everyday, but they will have an eternity to catch up with them, to hold them. i have to remind myself, this life on earth, is but a blink of an eye. eternity, that is our goal. that is eternity! i will have eternity with nathan, malia and anthony jr. i can't wait. though i want to enjoy every breath and every moment with my husband and my daughter. it's a tug of war with my heart. i'm not whole. there is a void in my heart right now. while i will ALWAYS miss my children that have gone before me to be with the Lord, i pray that void fills with a joy unspeakable. i pray each day does get easier. life has to go on. though life now is vastly different from what it was just 3 short weeks ago. i am a changed person. my emotions have changed, my dreams have changed, my personality has changed, everything about me is now changed x 3.