too much

I have not been on here is so very long. I know this. I don't have the words to say, neither do I have the time to "write" them all down. It's been a VERY busy, crazy, stressful, joyful, sorrowful past 4 months. We had a successful fertility round that last round in April. We had an IUI done on April 11th 2011. We found out 2 weeks later, on Easter Sunday, we were in fact pregnant! We were so excited! The line was so bright. With Claire, it was dull. I told Anthony, "I bet we are pregnant with triplets!".....half joking. We had a dr appt about 3 weeks later, and at 7 weeks pregnant, saw not 1, not 2, not 3 babies, but 6! We were pregnant with 6 babies! One of them was very small, and did not have a heartbeat. That baby did not make it very far along. So here we are pregnant with 5 live, beautiful, wonderful lives. We were in shock. I couldn't stop crying. Two of the babies were very strong and doing great, three of them had weaker heartbeats, and were a bit smaller. We went right to the elders at our church for prayer. We wanted all 5 of these babies to make it. To be healthy! The following week we went to the dr to find we were only with 4 babies. We were upset, but we had complete peace. It was actually weird to not mourn that life like I thought I would. The following week, at 10 weeks pregnant we found that we were pregnant with only 3 babies now. We were so upset. We felt like for some reason, each week we were getting a baby taken from us. We had an appointment with a high risk OB because of the multiples that week. We made them do an ultrasound because we felt like we would lose another since that seemed to be the trend, but in fact, we still had all 3 babies, strong and healthy. We were so excited! Baby A was smaller, Baby B was measuring right on time, and Baby C measured almost 2 weeks bigger! Right from the start we kidded that Baby C was a boy because he was so big. The dr said that we were doing so well, and the babies were doing so well that he didn't need to see us for 4 weeks. We were ecstatic! We were on cloud 9! I couldn't believe that when I said we were pregnant and going to have triplets, that we actually would end up being pregnant with triplets. Our daughter Claire would always hug and kiss my belly. We told her her brother's and sister's were in there. She is the sweetest little girl ever. We love her with all our being! We couldn't imagine having anymore love for anymore children, and yet we do already. The week of our appointment came. We were going to see the dr on Friday of that week, we would have been almost 15 weeks pregnant by then. Tuesday of that week, I was putting my daughter back down after she woke up upset. My husband was working nights, and as I bent over the side of the crib to pick up my daughter, I thought I peed my pants. It was so odd. I didn't feel the urge to pee. I didn't think I had to go, but I thought, I've peed my pants before (let's be honest ladies, you have a child and bladder control isn't your top talent anymore!!!). I left my screaming daughter to quickly run to the bathroom. I cleaned myself up, changed, cleaned the carpet, resumed rocking my daughter, and put her down. I called my husband because I thought how odd it was, and he asked if I was sure it was pee. "What do you mean? Of COURSE it was. What else could it be???" Then I worried. Could my water have really broke at 14 weeks pregnant? I doubted it. I went to bed that night, after my husband and I prayed everything was ok. Wednesday morning I woke up and felt like I needed to call my dr to make sure. They wanted to see me right away. My dr wasn't in though. I saw a different high risk dr, he did the litmus test, and it was negative. He said it was common with multiples to pee and not feel like you have to go because of all the pressure on your bladder. We left so happy, so relieved. That Friday we went for our regular appointment. They did an ultrasound. Our worst fear confirmed, my water did break. Baby A had no fluid, none, in his/her sac. No explanation why. It happens the dr said. We may never know. There could have been an infection, something wrong with the baby, the placenta, me....I had a bladder infection a week earlier, was it that? I blame that. I don't know for sure though. Why did I have to get a bladder infection while pregnant? Why did that have to jeopardize my baby's life? It's hard not to place blame on something, someone. I was immediately put on restrictions. No lifting. No walking much farther than around my house, no heavy housework, etc. The dr was quickly monitoring me for infection and if my cervix would start to dilate. Two very bad things that would make it so all 3 of the babies wouldn't make it. We were given the choice to terminate Baby A. We absolutely stood against that. God could still do a miracle. We wanted to wait and see. We called my mother who was in VA at the time, and she came home and has been living with us since. We started doing ultrasounds every week. Baby A wasn't growing much at all, no fluid was returning to the sac. I was constantly leaking fluid. We found out Baby B is a girl. Baby C is a boy. They couldn't tell Baby A without fluid and being so cramped, his/her legs are tight together and tucked under his/her bottom. At 17 weeks after no change, we started doing ultrasounds every 2 weeks. Baby A was growing, but not much. Baby B and C were doing great. Heartbeats on all 3 were always strong. This past week, at 21 weeks, we were given the least amount of hope by the dr. Baby A is in less than the 10th percentile for weight. Not growing much at all. The dr says it could be because of no fluid that measurements are off, but he is counting on Baby A not making it. We have to make an appointment with the NICU to discuss the measures we will take to save Baby A's life. To make sure dr's and nurses and my husband and I are all on the same page. Scary stuff. Stuff I NEVER imagined I would have to talk about, let alone go through. We are taking things one day at a time. Praying we make it to 24 weeks with no complications. The dr won't let us go past 37 weeks. We will have these babies no later than December 12th, most likely, before that is what the dr thinks. I'm scared. My husband has been my rock. He's been there to encourage me, to lift me up, to be there for me. He reminds me of the God we serve, and the miracles He can do. I can't get past the thought of losing one of my babies. Another one. Yet again. I went from 7 children total, to 4, possibly only 3. How does that happen? I can't understand it. I am still working, it helps to not sit around and do nothing and just think about this. Dr says it's not harming me or the babies, so I can keep working if I want. I definitely want! It's been so hard to enjoy this pregnancy with all the possible outcomes that could happen. We try to rejoice in how great Baby B and Baby C are doing, but at the same time it's hard when we are disappointed and devastated week after week with the news of Baby A. We struggle with that each time we go to the dr. I have been able to feel all 3 of the babies move. We see them all move each ultrasound. Baby A is definitely not counted out yet. We named the babies. Baby A will be Nathan Richard, or Natalie Jane, depending on the sex. Baby B will be Malia Elizabeth. Baby C will be Anthony Thomas Jr. We have worked on the nursery, and we are planning on coming home from the hospital with all 3 of our babies. It's hard to keep the faith and wait for answers. I am a planner. So is my husband. God is showing us new things every day with our daughter Claire, and these 3. I don't trust nearly enough. I am working on that. That's our current situation. If you would hold our family up in prayer. I will try to update as I can. Working, taking care of my baby girl, and baking these 3 babies is a lot of work, so when I finally sit down at night, it's off to dreamland for me. So all I can do is say I will try. :o)