Shift

There has been a lot of "shifts" in my life lately, metaphorically, and literally.

The weather is beginning to change. It's getting more mild out, the sun has been shining almost every day for a week. That makes me happy. That makes my family happy. We like to be outside, and we can't wait to see how much Claire enjoys it too. So far, she LOVES walks, giggling the first half of it. She has never seen spring before. It's amazing to watch through her eyes as she sees trees with leaves blooming, green and bright. She sees flowers popping up, and I can't help but wonder what she must be thinking. We didn't spend much time outside last summer. It was too much for Claire, she was too little, and EVERYTHING made her unhappy. I can't wait to see her crawl around in the backyard, or who knows, maybe even toddle by that time (though I doubt it, she really is kinda lazy)! :o) This is a shift that is easy, that I look forward to, that is beautiful and awe-inspiring.

Another shift is one in my family. As per my last post, we are attempting to add to our family. So far, we have not been successful. There are a few more drugs I can attempt before there are just no other options but IVF, or keeping our family just the way it is. I'm on the fence how I feel about IVF. I never thought about it in depth before. I always thought that if that was the only way, and we could ever afford it, we would do it. The end. NOT the end. I sat with my dr and talked in length on Friday about how they did everything and what the exact process was. It's scary. Coming from the ethical view that my husband and I come from, a baby begins the minute the egg and sperm meet and the cells start multiplying. If they have, say, 6 successful "embryos" (babies), and they implant 2, then those 2 (though greater possibility of just the 1) grow and are successful in the womb, what do you do with the other 4 "embryos" (babies) sitting at the dr's office waiting for their turn at life? I can't throw them away, I can't let anything happen to them. I also can't have 6 more children. Hard to follow? Try working it out in my head! It's spinning. What's the right thing to do for our family? I know plenty of people who have had IVF, either successfully or not. I never once thought about it the way I have since Friday morning. Is that something I can take on emotionally? Physically? That is going to take a lot of prayer if that is the road we decide we need to take. I'm the first to admit that my emotions aren't even keel on all these hormones, and having a high-maintenance infant, and a husband who doesn't always understand makes me stressed more than I know I need to be. My husband works so hard at making me feel loved and tries to take as much on with the baby as he possibly can without falling behind in his other "house duties". I have a pretty wonderful husband if I do say so myself! He'll never fully understand everything I feel because he's not me. He's not a woman, and wasn't created to feel the way I feel. It's hard to remember that in the middle of your emotion though. I have always dreamt of a large family. That is a dream I may have to put to rest though. This is a shift I am not looking forward to. It's a shift I know will be difficult on the heart and on the body. I know it will be difficult for my family as well, whatever we decide.

The last shift that has been going on in my life has been happening over the past year. It's one that has stretched my heart, hurt my heart, and taught me a few "life lessons". In fact, it's still teaching me things every day. That is a shift in my friends. Some people have friends they stick with through all the years. They may add to them, but never take away. I thought that is the way I would be. I have always been a loyal person. If you are a friend of mine, I would do anything for you. You need me at 2am, I'm there. You are having a difficult day, I pick up as much as I can to make it lighter. I stand in defense of your heart, guarding anything that may come to hurt or destroy it. I have learned over the last year though that I give a whole lot more into some friendships than I receive, and it leaves me empty. I decided recently that I'm done. I will see who still stands with me after I step back. I can't stretch myself as thin as I have in the years past and not be filled back up by those friendships. I will have nothing left to give to those who put back into my life. Sometimes, less really is more. It has been a hard choice to make because some of those friends have been the best that I've had. Life has shifted though. It's time I stopped fighting the shift, and see the new things God will do in friendships in my life now. I need people to take care of my heart as much as I take care of theirs. To care about my daughter, almost as much as I do. To stand up for the This is a shift I'm undecided on how I feel about it. One minute I'm excited about it, and the next, I mourn the loss of some friendships I've had for years. I did all I could though, it's out of my hands.
And on a side note, I'd like to thank all of those friends who call, text, fb, email, etc me each day checking on how I'm doing throughout this whole process of fertility. It really means the world to my heart.

With a lot of prayer, I enter this season of SHIFTS in my life. Can't wait to see what's on the other side!