where i decide i'm never going to work again, or not...

i skipped work on monday. i decided i was never going back as of sunday evening. i then proceeded to change my mind every 2.6 seconds. let me start at the beginning. i had an ok first week back to work. a few sad/awkward/emotional moments, but not too bad. friday afternoon about 3:15 someone came into the office to visit a friend of mine. he said hey, shook my hand, and asked "you just had a baby didn't you?" i was so caught off guard. i didn't know what to say, how to respond, do i ignore the question, he obviously knows i heard him. do i lie? i can't lie, it would be so awful to deny my children, that they existed. i wanted to crawl in a hole. i wanted to die. i know only seconds passed, but it felt like a terribly long awkward silence. he had to be thinking "really, that was a complicated question???" yes, yes it was, and you don't even know the half of it. quickly, and saving me from any more pain and awkward silence, my friend was holding claire and said "yup, this one!" and handed claire to me. i took claire and fled the office, as quickly as i could. i am fighting back tears, i can't break down in the middle of everyone at work. i darted to claire's classroom, quickly dropped her in there to eat her snack, and literally ran to the bathroom. i locked myself in a stall, started sobbing and text my husband. he was angry, i know more to protect me than anything else. i know this guy had absolutely NO idea what my family just went through. he had no ill intentions whatsoever. it was a very innocent question. i didn't want to explain to him, nor did i want my friend to. i didn't want to make him feel bad. i finally pulled myself together, walked down to my office to grab my purse, and left to go pick up claire. i couldn't stay at work a minute longer. i wanted to be home. with my family. in the safety of my 4 walls. where what is said is predictable and sacred. no surprises. i picked up claire, and on my way out a class was walking to the gym. this class just happens to be the one where there is a little boy who keeps asking where my babies are, why they aren't in my belly anymore, and matter of factly stating that there were 3. he spotted my daughter and me. the following conversation ensued:

"miss heather, is that your baby?"
"yes _____, this is claire, remember?"
"where is your other 3 babies?"
"I don't have them anymore sweety"
"why aren't they in your belly? where did they go?"

i just walked away. quickly. i don't know what to say to him. well, i DO know what to say to him, but you see, he is a very sensitive boy. his mother is currently pregnant. due right after i was. i don't want to make this boy scared that anything could happen to his baby brother. i also don't want to hurt mom. so i fled. again. i drove home crying. i opened my car door to my husband. we went in the house and i sobbed some more. why? why do people have to catch me off guard? why can't i feel like i can freely talk about my children? why am i always worried that i am going to "hurt" someone else's feelings. offend someone else. so instead, i decided i never wanted to go out in public again. i locked myself in my house and my husband assured me that the offer still stood, if i didn't want to ever go back to work i didn't have to. i said ok. a few minutes later i changed my mind, and went back and forth all weekend. sunday night i talked myself out of going in on monday. the anxiety was too much. i stayed home and snuggle my daughter more than she could care, i took care of my sick husband. i looked at the scrapbook full of pictures of my triplets with claire a few times. she points to them, kisses them, "talks" through the book. i think the first time i hear her say "nathan", or "malia", or "anthony"....i will feel an emotion i pray no one ever has to feel. i will cry. i will hold her tighter. her siblings she will never play with. it's not fair. so i was never going back to work. monday came. i felt a little "stronger". i decided i would try tuesday and see how it went. i decided to talk to the mom of this boy to get permission to say something, anything to answer his questions. today went well. nothing unpredictable happened. i know one day, questions about my triplets won't send me into a tailspin of emotion. my heart isn't there yet. i still miss them with every cell in my body. i still long to get one last kiss, one last squeeze, one last picture. i still long for them to still be here, safe, inside of me. but that's not the case. never will be the case. until then, i just have to protect my heart, and lean on God a little more to protect it when i can't.