firsts...

this week was my first week back to work. i was really anxious. not so much for the reason of me not thinking i could do my job, it being too hard, to much....like everyone seemed to believe.

i was anxious because normally when you return from your 6 week maternity leave, you have a baby, or babies to show for it. i did not. i left work very pregnant, barely able to walk down the hallway without having to stop and catch my breath, not being able to bend over to pick up something from the floor if i dropped it, or getting a soda from the fridge....and i returned like nothing had even happened. THAT is what i was so anxious about. it was like my babies never even existed.

i have photos that i want to show off, but i'm afraid i'll offend someone. it hurts that i'm afraid of that. they are still my children. i still want to show them off. they were beautiful.

leaving claire all over again has been hard. she is the most amazing child. she waves to the babies shelf whenever she walks by it. she kisses my necklace without prompting. she runs up to my legs and hugs them as hard as she can while burying her face, she grabs my face and slobbers all over my face...i LOVE her, and every new things she does each day. i hate that i miss even a second of it. i know i need to work though, for me. i need to get out of the house, i need to use my mind and feel like i'm contributing to something else sometimes.

a child at school this week announced as i walked into the classroom that i didn't have my babies with me anymore. it was like i was punched in the stomach. i didn't know what to say. i didn't know how appropriate it would be for me to start in on an explanation of heaven to this child. i didn't feel right ignoring this statement, pretending that my babies never existed. what do you say to a 4 year old? i didn't know. i just stated quickly that my baby claire was at home with her daddy and changed the subject, while fighting back tears. i immediately had to talk to my husband. i knew telling him about it, he would help me feel better. he has been my strength here with me when i couldn't find any.

it's been a week full of firsts for me. i never want to relive a week like this again. every day got a little easier though, and God showed His faithfulness to me through every step. i couldn't have done it without Him. every time i didn't want to get out of bed, He was my motivation. every time i wanted to turn my car around and go home, He was my direction. every time i wanted to scream out in anger, He was my peace. and every time i didn't think i could get through another day, tomorrow came.