:Insert Anxiety Attack Here:

Tomorrow will be, by far, the most challenging day at work I've ever had. I have had no less than 10 anxiety attacks since yesterday afternoon. Yesterday, at about 2pm, I received a phone call from a prospective father. He was asking if we were accepting infants into our program. This is how the conversation went:

Father: Hi, I was wondering if your center accepts infants.

Me: Yes, we have children from 6 weeks to 5 years old.

Father: Is there an opening now?

Me: Let me grab my book and find out. When is your child's birth date?

Father: May 10th. But we won't need childcare for another 3 weeks.

Me: Yes, we do have an opening.

Father: How about 3?

Me: (choking on my saliva), 3?

Father: Yes, they are triplets.

Me: (still choking), yes. We actually do have 3 spots.

Father: Can I come Wednesday to look at the center? How much is it?

Me: blah blah blah blah, yes, blah blah blah blah

Father: Ok, my wife will be bringing the triplets.

Me: speechless...........

Father: Ok, see you Wednesday at 10

Me: Alright, see you then.



Insert anxiety attack.

Triplets. Never, ever, in my life have I encountered triplets since I gave birth to mine. And NEVER, ever in the 13 years I've worked here have we ever had a family with triplets need care.

Insert anxiety attack.

How am I going to do this? How am I going to form words? How am I going to look at those 3 precious miracles and not be envious of why they got to survive and my children didn't?

Insert anxiety attack.

Wednesday. Like as in tomorrow.

Insert anxiety attack.

Why didn't he start the conversation out with he was looking for care for triplets?! Why couldn't I have just made something up and said we didn't have room!?

Insert anxiety attack.

When these triplets start in 3 weeks, I will have to look at them every day. Dominic is in the same class as these triplets. I will have to see all the milestones my triplets missed. I will have to look at everyone "oooo" and "ahhhh" about how there are triplets here.

Insert anxiety attack.

I am not built for this kind of stress. I can feel my body, my mind, shut down. This past almost 2 yrs has been the hardest of my life. There isn't a day I don't think about my children in heaven, or talk to them, or blow them kisses, or wish they were here. And now, I will be reminded even in the moments that my mind gets a break from the grief.

Insert anxiety attack.

Maybe this is the Lord testing me. My trust in Him. My words of strength that I profess. Maybe this is the Lord showing me that I am stronger than I've felt in a long time.

I don't want to be tested. I don't want to be stronger. I don't want these children in my center. I don't want to give this tour, and right now, I don't even want to who I am. I wish I didn't have the story that I have. I wish I could pick up and move and start again. I wish I could forget that I'm the mother of children in heaven. I wish my triplets were here. I wish a lot of things. Things that aren't and can't ever be.

Insert anxiety attack here.

We sang a song in VBS this morning that brought tears to my eyes. I had to leave. "Soon and very soon we are going to see the King. Soon and very soon we are going to see the King. no more crying there. we are going to see the King. no more crying there we are going to see the King. Hallelujah, Hallelujah, we are going to see the King. no more dying there. we are going to see the King. no more dying there. we are going to see the King. no more dying there. we are going to see the King. Hallelujah, Hallelujah, going to see the King."

Oh how I wish singing that song would make Jesus come right now. I can't wait for no more crying. I can't wait for no more dying. And I really can't wait to hold my children again and cover their faces in kisses.

If you think of it, pray for me tomorrow around 10am. I would rather not break down and embarrass myself on this tour. Though, maybe they would decide not to come here because of the "crazy lady".