and it all came tumbling down...kind of...

mother's day is quickly approaching. last mother's day...i was pregnant with 6 babies (though at the time i didn't know how many babies were in there, just MORE than 1), and had an almost 1 year old. wow does this mother's day look different. i was a little nervous about how i would feel this mother's day. thinking about what life means as a mommy to children in heaven, as well as a mommy to my most precious miracle on this earth.

i was asked to be on a panel at church for mother's day. mom's from all walks of motherhood, coming together to answer questions about how being a mommy has effected/changed us. i did an intro video this morning. they came to my house to video me talking a little about becoming a mommy, and a little about how life looks at our home as a mommy of children in heaven, as well as a child on earth. it went pretty well. i have a hard time showing emotion in front of others. my husband is the only one that it comes easy for me to do it in front of (lucky him!). i went through life as it was to becoming a mommy the first time, and then the second. i held it together well, even the one doing the interview said so. but then the emotion wall started crumbling when she asked me to talk about life now....without my babies here with me...how it's changed who we are as individuals, and as a family. i can talk about my babies, how they came to be, their faces, their little personalities, their birth, everything about them, with a smile on my face. they have always brought me joy, and i know they always will. it's when i have to talk about how life is different that breaks me. every time. who ever thinks "how can you be a mommy to children in heaven and children on earth at the same time?". no one goes into becoming a parent thinking about your children being separated from you by heaven for a time. no one i know of anyways. it's a reality now. i have to filter what comes out of my mouth to others sometimes because i just want to should out "i don't have 1 child, i have 7. 6 of which are in heaven, while 3 of those 6 i got to see face to face. i got to kiss and snuggle and sing over them!" i have to be careful how i talk to claire in public about her siblings because i don't want to seem like that "crazy" person.

we were in the grocery store the other day and a baby went by in a cart (don't worry, the babies mom was there too).  claire started saying "baby baby baby!" and then she reached out her arms and said "uppy" and puckered her lips making the kissing sound because she wanted to pick up that baby, and kiss the baby. i had to tell her we couldn't have that baby, but don't worry. some day mommy and daddy will give her a baby sister or brother to snuggle like she so longs for. i don't want her to think her siblings can only be in urns. i want her to have that joy of being a big sister, because i know she will be the most fantastic big sister ever!

so...tune in to tfhny.org on saturday the 12th at 6pm, or sunday the 13th at 8, 9:30, 11:30, 1:30....and a few other evening times if you want to see how it goes down. or come out live...that's cool too :o) let's hope my emotional wall can be repaired in the next week so i'm not a blubbering mess on stage.