The Break Up

Well, "Trying to Conceive" and I....we are on a break. I am angry with *him*. *He* just doesn't get me. Communication is lacking. Intimacy is lacking. Connection is lacking. All in all, we aren't compatible. I am hoping we can work things out and this break isn't forever. I hope *he* can try to understand me better and work with me instead of against me. Only time will tell.

I had a dr appointment this week. My dr and I sat down to brainstorm. Any and all things that came to mind got put on paper, and then we went through them rationally, and morally, to decide on what we really could do vs. what were acts of desperation. The list included the following (side note, I know more who read this will have NO idea all the terms, but that's ok. Just pretend you do. Or ask)

1. Use different gonadotropin (Follistim - like gonal f, Bravelle - u Fsh, Repronex - like Menopur
2. Unstimulated IVF with IVM (invitro maturation. I'm not entirely sure what this is even, and it's not practiced anywhere but Korea and Canada. My dr said she's interested in it though, and "hey, what's a few trips to canada?"......uh, my ovaries and I prefer the states thanks.)
3. Priming my HPO with cyclic E2/P4 (Estradiol tablet 2mg x 7days, 4mg x 7days, 6mg x 7days, 6mg + 200mg Prometrium x 10 days)
4. More responsive to CC and consider high dose stim because of #3
5. IVF--->freeze embryos--->thaw and transfer 1 - 2 embryos
6. LS with ovarian drilling
7. Femara
8. Check other labs, like therombophelia (sp) panel
9. OC/Lupron precycle, HCG trigger
10. GnRH antagonist

Each of those ideas come with pros and cons. Each comes with reasons that are rational or irrational. We thought of every situation known and unknown to my health for reasons why the high doses of meds aren't stimulating my ovaries. 

We went over the "perfect" cycle when we got pregnant with Claire. The numbers of my estrogen, etc. We went over the cycle with the sextuplets, and WOWSERS, had I known the estrogen levels BEFORE we even did the IUI I would have halted that process quicker than it could start. I didn't have a full understanding of what our numbers should be, what an average persons numbers were, etc. I was told the average woman has an estrogen level around 325/350 when ovulating. That was exactly what my level was on the meds when I got my trigger shot for my oldest daughter. My level for the triplets....wait for it....5375!!! Say what!? More than 16x the normal, average levels! Partially my fault for not being educated enough on my "numbers"...but mostly, I blame them. They are the dr's I'm trusting my life and the lives of my future children with. I was most likely hyper stimulated...ok I WAS hyper stimulated...which may or may not have had a hand in my water breaking at 14 weeks with Nathan. So incredibly heartbreaking that things could have been handled differently. I would change the fact that we went ahead with that cycle, though I wouldn't want to change the fact that Nathan, Malia, and Anthony Jr were a part of me, and were born, and will forever be our children. They have forever changed the course of our lives, and the who we are as vessels on this earth.

Sooooo, we decided since my body tends to get used to a med once I'm on it a long time, like ANY med, that that may be what's happening. So, we are switching. We will start with Follistim. We have to wait a bit though. Probably won't start for another month. I have to wait for the perfect timing with my body, lining of the uterus, etc. aaannnndddd that little thing called "insurance". We are currently in the "proof" stage that just because I use a lot of meds, doesn't mean that I have used that many cycles. It just means I'm broken. Really broken. So thankfully, this time gives our insurance company and the dr's office time to work this all out. 

For now....we wait. And enjoy every moment given to us while we do.