vacation

i hold back a lot of tears. probably more than i have actually cried. im really good at controlling my emotions. really good. i hate showing emotion unwillingly, and i'm afraid that soon, i may lose control. like as in this weekend. i have felt on the verge of tears for a while now, but they haven't come out. close, but not coming out.

i can talk with pride and joy about all of my children. all the time. i love them with all of me. the minute i start to talk about life now without 6 of my children, especially the 3 i was blessed to meet....i still can't fathom that this is my life. i still feel like i'm living in a dream. this is just a dream that i'm about to wake up from.

i know i am not made for this world. i am getting impatient waiting for heaven. i know i need to enjoy this time on earth. and i do. i really do. i embrace every moment i have with my daughter, my husband, my family, my friends....but i'm waiting. it's like you plan this great, wonderful, amazing, fun vacation....and you are waiting for it to come with great expectations...only you know when vacation is coming. the wait is hard. so hard.

so i think i'm going to plan a vacation. and then go on a vacation. maybe that will be kinda like heaven? i kid, i kid. (except i really am going to plan a vacation. this momma needs some relaxation!)