This week on WWY

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 28, 2013 ~ Overcoming Guilt and Embracing Joy

One area so many mothers struggle with is guilt, especially those who experience the loss of a baby/child. We want to address this struggle in this post. It will help mothers quietly battling guilt for living life and experiencing joy to know they are not alone. Other moms silently battle this as well. Whether it is the startling first time you really laugh after losing your child, or whether you have experienced the healing balm of joy for years, share your thoughts on this week’s post.

 

 

 

It took me a long time to feel "right" about smiling. It took even longer for me to feel joy again. I felt an overwhelming amount of guilt. My body didn't work right. I failed my daughter, my husband, and my children. I thought maybe God wasn't happy the way I was raising my daughter. Maybe He didn't see it fit for me to have anymore children. I was scared that every child I would try to have after would be taken from me as well, kinda like a "didn't you learn the first time?!" kinda lesson. Maybe I wasn't fit to raise triplets, maybe I wasn't patient enough? loving enough? gentle enough? guilt.

 

It's not completely gone. I don't think it ever will be. It's that nagging voice in the back of my head that tries to continually steal my joy. It's a full time job to fill my head this things that are true, right, holy, pure, etc (Philippians 4:8). Satan is the Father of Lies. He's so good at it, and just like the serpent in the Garden of Eden tempting Adam and Eve in Genesis, and that same serpent that tried to tempt Jesus in Matthew 4:1-11, he is still walking this earth, tempting any and everyone he can. Guilt. It sure doesn't come from our Creator, the one who loves us, and has a plan for us, and comforts and strengthens us, and shows us mercy and grace every day (2Corinthians 1:3-4).  As long as I take breaths on this earth, guilt will try to creep in, will try to steal my joy, my truths that the God of the heavens and earth has given to me. Every morning I wake up ready for battle. Some days I lose, and it's ok. Jesus is right there to pick me up, brush me off, whisper His truth and love into my ear, and help me to carry on.

 

I laugh more, I have more joy, I enjoy life more. Because if I didn't, my children's lives, as short as they may have been, would be for nothing. Satan would win. I can't and won't allow that. It's an every day choice, and every day battle, and an every day victory, if I choose to accept it. It's not easy, but it's worth it. The struggle will never be gone. You live on this earth without pieces of you. You will never feel "complete". But that doesn't mean you have to walk in guilt, in sadness, in a cloud of despair. Those are our choices. They may not seem like it at first, and sometimes, you just have to choose it even when it doesn't seem natural or right. It will become natural though. It will be something that gets easier to choose. Easier to understand. Easier to walk in.

 

Those are just my thoughts and opinions. Take them for what they are worth. 

Update/Picture dump

 

I saw the dr the day after the phone call that sent me into a bit of a panic attack. I know in my head i was overreacting, but in my heart, my baby was already born, in the NICU, worse case scenario en suite. Call me crazy. I've been called worse. My mind will never not go there, ever again. Get used to it. Death changes you. Death of your child changes you. Death of 3 of your children, right before your eyes, changes you. It makes you doubt your body, your life, your purpose, your dreams, your calling, your family, your body, your body, your body.....

 

She put my mind to ease a bit more though, and it helps that we have scheduled an induction. I know I could always go before, but if he is true to how he's been, he's not coming anytime soon. I'm going to try really, really, really hard to enjoy these last 3 weeks. I want to absorb every moment I can with my daughter now before her world changes again as well. Sharing your love between earth and the heavenlies, while not easy, is easier I'm sure, than sharing your time between 2 of the most incredible miracles on this earth. (see, that was positive!? i said it affirming he IS coming home alive with us alive. it's little steps people.)

 

I go to another check-up Wednesday, and hope to find out if there's been any "action" in the getting ready to labor part. I'm definitely scared OUT.OF.MY.MIND he's going to be the predicted 9lbs. I could barely push out my 7lb'er!

 

Ok, I'll leave you with some of my pics as of late:

 

 

 

 

Dominic's chubby face. see that dimply by his EYE!!!! oh my. he's a bigga boy!

\

my belly with just 3 weeks left!

my love and her obsession. "bool bus and all the guys"

the two people on this earth that keep me going every day!

Worry

The bible tells us not to do it. There is no need for it. God will take care of everything. Mercy and grace covers each day.

Let's be real though. I'm not perfect. I'm human. And while I cast most of my cares on Him, the one who knit my children together in my womb, and ordained every day of all of our lives, there are some cares I just can't get rid of. Some worries I just can't shake.

We are just over 3 weeks from D-Day. Dominic's Day, Delivery Day, whatever you prefer. I just got a call this afternoon that I tested positive for Group B Strep. With my first, I wouldn't have worried, even with the triplets, I most likely wouldn't have batted an eye. This time, I started freaking out. I have had one scare after another with Dominic. Serious scares, not just little "oh my gosh can't believe you are freaking out over this" scares. Like passing clots the size of my fist, contractions for hours in the middle of the night WHILE LAYING DOWN. Passing something early on that was identical to what a baby looks like. Extremely low heart rate. You name it. All on the heals of having the worst thing ever to happen to a mother happen. So excuse me while I don't exactly roll over and take the carefree attitude I should be.

I went online. BAD IDEA. I looked up Strep B. I looked up complications it can cause a baby. While there are a few very serious complications that can show up within the first 12 to 24 hrs, and some later in the first 3 months of life, the one that stuck out most was "Stillborn". We were already anxious about delivery because now my daughter can't come to the hospital to meet her baby brother. Not at all. Ridiculous if you ask me. She didn't get to meet her other brothers or sister. This was of utmost importance to us this time around. Now she can't. Ok, take it with a grain of salt, get out of the hospital ASAP after giving birth (which is 24 hrs later). Now that looks like it's not happening either because they keep the babies for 48hrs typically to monitor for symptoms. OBVIOUSLY I want Dominic to be healthy, and would move mountains to make sure he was, even if it meant staying at the hospital for days, just let me see my daughter too! Let me have her meet her brother this time. Before, God forbid, it's too late. Again.

I could be way overreacting. But anyone who knows me knows that the things that "typically" don't happen to the average person, happen to this girl. "It's rare" is never the case with me. It's more like  if they say it's something that's "rare", I should just count on it happening to me. So I'm worried. Really worried actually. I need to just hide for a bit and pray. I need for God to just pass time incredibly quickly so I can have my boy, safe, healthy, and home. I need prayers so I don't go into full panic mode, as I'm really not that far off right now. Where I once prayed for quick delivery, I would like it to go slow so I have enough time for antibiotics. Where I once prayed to go on my own, I want to be in a controlled environment so that he is monitored every.single.step.of.the.way!

And that's my crazy rant for the day.

Steps Back into Life

 

 

Welcome to Week 3 of Walking With You:  Steps Back into LifeShare about your first steps back into life. What helped you survive in the world outside as you took those first tender steps? Are there still tender areas for you today, living in a world that doesn’t embrace or understand the loss of a baby/child? How do you cope with those struggles? What advice would you offer those new to this walk to encourage and bring hope? How has this changed for you from the beginning? If you are in early grief, what do you fear/struggle with as you try to navigate a new normal….life without your baby?

 

 

 

I remember that my first steps were very hesitant. Very slow. Fumbling every step of the way. I could barely remember how to breath, let alone interact with people.

 

The first knock on our door when we got home took my breath away. Whose coming into my home? Where there are flowers galore and no new babies to show for them? I would talk about how our home looked like a funeral home, and then cry because we decided against a funeral.

 

We got home on a Monday. That following weekend we decided to go to church. BAD idea. I wept through the whole thing. Not a silent cry either. The service was all worship music and readings of scripture. I couldn't stand up, I couldn't feel my legs. People would come up behind me and hug me, or sit beside me and hug me. I just clung to my husband.

 

I remember we needed to run into the grocery store, I was so fearful I would run into someone I knew, and even more fearful that they would know and try to comfort me or say something to me and make me breakdown in the middle of the grocery store. I held my breath the entire time. I prayed a lot under my breath, it was more like demands on God. "You can't let me run into anyone I know", "You can't let anyone make me cry, you took my babies, it's the least you can do". Now, I know that's not what happened and that it was fully ok to talk to God that way, He knew my heart. His was broken too.

 

My husband, daughter and I took a 6 week break from life. We didn't do much with anyone on the outside if we could help it. We stayed close, took day trips, slept together, played together, snuggled a lot, cried more tears than I ever thought was possible. Dr's visits were hard. My daughter had her 15 month appointment during this 6 week "break" from life. We scheduled it a long time before. We weren't seeing our dr either because she was booked. The dr came into our room and started off with "i hear a congratulations is in order!" I cried. I had to explain to her that we lost the triplets. We delivered a few weeks ago and they didn't make it. Silence, apologies. Everything I tried to avoid.

 

 I got a necklace with their birthstone on it that carries some of each of their ashes. It doesn't look all that odd to me, but apparently to others it does. I would get questions about my "unique" necklace and would have to tell them what it is. Most had nothing to say, quickly changing the subject. Some apologized and got the heck out of dodge. A few even asked me if it was a whistle. Still stings every time I have to explain my necklace.

 

 

I am visibly pregnant right now, with less than 4 weeks to go. "Is this your first?" "How many children do you have?" "Is it a boy or a girl?" and when answered "a boy", and they see my daughter with me, "oh how wonderful, one of each!" I walk away fighting tears every time. Never fails. A few times I set them straight, but it gets old, and hard.  For sure, we live in a world that is blind to hurt, and blind to the fact that babies die. It just doesn't happen, right? I never assume anymore. I see a person with 1 child and I wonder if they too have the hurt of losing a child. Even people who know I lost triplets, who are well aware that they are a part of our family, they make comments about how Claire is going to be a big sister for the first time. I want to scream in anger. I actually still get angry when people say those things. She's been a big sister. Just because she doesn't see them everyday. alive, playing, breathing, etc, doesn't mean they don't exist. She talks about them all the time. She asks to kiss them, to see them, she knows they are in heaven and reaches to the sky asking to hold them. She's the best big sister in the world in my opinion. One of the strongest too, knowing how to love all the way to heaven.

 

 

We read about heaven a lot, we talk about heaven and how we will someday get to go and see them again. How we will all be together someday. We talk about her brothers and sister all the time. This helps to know they are near. This helps me to know they are still a part of my family. No matter what this world says or believes. No matter how many judging glances and comments I get for raising my children the way I do and will. Talking about them as a part of our family, including them when we describe being a family, those things help. They help to make me feel like they aren't so "far" away.

 

I am not the same person I was "pre loss". My goals, my vision, my dreams for my life are all different. Someone put it in an article I read daily, about how the days of blissful "mommyhood" are gone. Worrying about ear infections and colds and if your children are hitting the right milestones at the right times. That all seems silly now. Picturing  my daughters wedding day, my son's birth....it's like waiting around for the next bad thing to happen, for your next child to be taken away. Don't get me wrong, I have hope in the Lord, and without it, I wouldn't get through each day, I can promise you that. But I also don't take each day for granted. I feel like I'm always getting ready for a phone call filled with devastation, a trip to the emergency room or the dr that ends with one less person in this earthly family.

 

To encourage and bring hope to others, the only thing I have to offer is kinda redundant. Cling to Jesus. He will walk you through everything. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, to parent a dead child, to mother children in the heavenlies. Surround yourself with songs ushering in His presence. Surround yourself with scriptures describing His love for you and His plans for you, and His ways of bringing hope and peace to you. Even if you don't agree. Even if it makes you angry the first 70 times you read through them. He will infiltrate your spirit, your soul, your heart. His love for His children is so intense, there's no way to deny it if you surround yourself in the truth.

 

Phew, that was long. Sorry. Hope you could make it through it. 

Clinging in the Pit

January 14, 2013 ~ Clinging in the Pit

If you are not new to loss, talk a bit about early grief. What was it like, clinging for hope in the pits of despair? What did you cling to for hope? How did you survive the early days? What helped? What do you wish you could share with someone new to this walk, clinging in the pit? If you’re in the pit, currently, share your struggles. What can others do to encourage you?

Joining in a little "early" this week, as my week starts to get crazy tomorrow, I wanted to write and link up to WWY through Sufficient Grace Ministries. (Well that's as far as I got. It's now "tomorrow", and I am going to try to get out everything that's on my mind.)

It's been over a year and a half, and while that really is still new, it also feels like such a long time ago that I held my children in my arms. Early grief was awful. I never want to feel that way again. Ever. I couldn't focus on simple tasks. I barely could get out of bed. I went through the motions. I had a 15 month at home to "live" for. She still needed to be cared for and have her daily needs met. We took a lot of family trips. We didn't leave each other's sides for weeks. I remember I would wake up crying, I would go to bed crying, I would be getting dressed and just stop in the middle, go to wherever my husband was and sit on his lap and sob. I said over and over how I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't live without my children here. He would remind me that I needed to live, I still had a husband and a daughter to live this life for. I started to read any and everything about heaven and loss of infants, 3rd trimester losses, etc. I started to feel God's presence more. Not that it wasn't there before, I just didn't want to feel it. I was too numb, with anger, with sadness, with darkness, with lies of why I didn't get to "keep" my children. In the very beginning the only thing I thought was that God didn't like what I was doing with my daughter, so I wasn't going to be allowed to have anymore children. Lies. From the pits of hell. Satan almost had me fooled, but God battled for my heart. Hard. When I realized it, the days got a little easier. I listened to music that ushered the presence of heaven in. I sat and prayed and just soaked in the music for as long as I could. It brought me more hope. It reminded me of who God was, and allowed me to feel his presence when I thought I never could again. I didn't wish I had died too anymore. Don't get me wrong, I will always long for heaven. That is where my heart belongs, and I've never realized it more since my children went there ahead of me. I can't wait to get there, and pray for heaven to come to this earth almost daily.....BUT I live. I don't wish I was dead. I know I have a purpose. I know God has a plan for my life, my family's lives, our "story".

Every one's experience is different, but one thing remains the same. Your child(ren) are no longer with you, and no matter what, that will always leave a place of emptiness in your heart. There is nothing that will fix that hole, there is nothing that will fill that hole, there is nothing that will make that hole go away. Life does and CAN go on though, and your experience may help someone else lost along the way. Clinging to hope, clinging to Jesus, clinging to what God has for you in the future, that is all you can do. His ways are higher than our ways. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. ALL.THE.TIME! 

Walking With You - Week 1

January 7, 2013 ~ Introduction and Where are You Now?

 

Tell us a little about yourself, your baby, and how you’ve come to this walk. Also, where are you now in your grief and healing? Are you new to this, still in the depths of fresh grief? Have you been walking this path awhile?

 

 

 

Last year I participated in Walking With You done by Sufficient Grace Ministries. I was unsure if I would participate this time around, but as long as there is no hard and fast deadline, I think I'm going to try. I may not get all the way through it, but I am sure going to try.

 

 

This weeks topic is described above.

 

 

My name is Heather. I have 8 children, 1 on this earth, 6 in heaven, and 1 currently finishing out his term in my womb. My oldest daughter, Claire, is truly my miracle child. We can't have children without the help of fertility, and she is our first wonderful blessing from God. She is a little over 2 1/2 yrs old and has the funniest, BEST personality ever. I then became pregnant with sextuplets in April of 2011. I miscarried 3 of my babies right away at weeks 6, 7, and 9 consecutively. Our last 3 of the sextuplets I delivered on August 28th, 2011,  1 day shy of 22 weeks gestation. Nathan was born still, followed by his sister Malia, and brother Anthony Jr. They were born alive, but only lived shortly longer than an hour. I guess that throws me into the category of "baby loss". No one can prepare for this journey,m no one can understand this journey, until you are on it. And by then, it's too late. I was confused, angry, terrified, upset, empty, lonely, overwhelmed, you name it, when I lost my children. We have done a lot to memorialize their lives in the past year and a half. We talk about our children daily, my daughter knows her sister and brothers, and knows they are in heaven. Some days she tried to reach up to the sky and grab them, it breaks my heart. Other days, we talk about how exciting it will be to get to heaven and see them again. While I guess I'm no longer "new" to this grief of the loss of my children, in a way I really am. Every day something comes up that causes a wave of emotion to come over me. I miss them, think of them, talk to them, long to kiss them, tuck them in, tickle them....every single day. Many times throughout the day. I wonder what color hair they would have, what color their eyes would be, how much like their daddy they would look like...My daughter will do something, and I will think "I wonder if Malia would be just like her big sister?" I wonder if my Nathan would be energetic and feisty, a fighter like he was in the womb. I wonder if Anthony would be docile and quiet, an observer, like he was in the womb. So no, while this isn't a new walk for me, in a way it is. Every day brings something new to this journey of grief. I'm still learning the person I've become. I'm still learning the person my husband's become. We are changed. We aren't the people we thought we'd be, nor are we the people we married. The loss of our children has changed our very core. I am no longer that person who thinks "this couldn't happen to me". I miss that naivety. I do have hope though, and without hope, I don't think this journey can be walked. 

I Will Not Be Shaken

"He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken." Psalm 62:6

I wish I could always remember this verse. But I don't. I get shaken. I get shaken to my core sometimes. This pregnancy has been one filled with anxiety, worries. Just when I start to get comfortable and start to believe that I will be bringing my Dominic home to live, and then I start getting contractions in the middle of the night that wake me up. Or I don't feel him move for hours. Or I have a bad dream. I get shaken. I start to believe the lies of the enemy. I start to believe that I am just "lucky" that I have Claire, and she's the only one that I'm going to be allowed to raise on this earth. God always speaks to my heart, maybe not right away, but that's only because I'm not asking Him to. I'm not allowing Him to. 

Yesterday I had a regular OB check up. You know, the usual, talk about any concerns, listen to babies heart rate, make next appointment. In and out in 15 minutes usually. Usually. Yesterday we discussed my Symphysis Diastasis Pain, and what we can do to make labor manageable, and the next 6 weeks manageable. We talked about my contractions that are happening in the middle of the night, even though that's abnormal for Braxton Hicks. We talked about inducing the Friday before my due date, for many reasons. She was in complete agreement about the induction, and I'm so relieved about that. Then it was time to climb onto the table and listen to my busy little boy's heart. With a smile on her face (because she NEVER will show concern, only compassion, and love) she started pressing on my belly. She then grabbed my wrist and took my heart rate. She made me lay on my side. On my other side. We did this for what seemed like an eternity. The sound of Dominic's heart rate sounded slower than normal, but I just figured it was ok, at first. After all the moving around and time spend though I started to panic. Then it happened. She sat me up. She calmly said "Without worrying you, I want to send you to the hospital. His baseline is normally 140 and the highest it's been is 120. Which is ok, except it's dipping down to 100 and 105 a lot." I couldn't breath. She told me many reasons it could be, including that it could just be she caught him at a moment that normally dr's don't catch and he's perfectly fine. It didn't help. I was scared that by the time I got to the hospital he wouldn't have a heart rate. I was afraid of how I was supposed to get care for my daughter. To wake up from another nap unprepared, someone other than mommy or daddy getting her up. To scare her, like last time. I couldn't do it. She is so sensitive. I called my husband, without me even telling him my thoughts on Claire, he said the same thing I was thinking. We should wake her and take her with us. Otherwise, she is going to be too scared something is wrong again. I got home as fast as I could and Claire and Anthony got in the car and off to the hospital we went. I couldn't break down. It makes Claire upset. We finally arrived at the hospital, after what seems like every traffic issue that could come up, did. We got to Labor and Delivery Triage and I was hooked up in a matter of minutes. Again, Strong was an amazing hospital with amazing nurses that were very thorough and caring. Dominic passed the test in 10 minutes, but they wanted to keep me hooked up for 25 because that's how long they should take to pass the test. Like I said, Dominic is VERY active, ALL.DAY.LONG! His heart rate went up and down from 120 to 160. Never once going below 120. The then had to do a test for my amniotic fluid and an ultrasound to make sure his cord wasn't under his head, which is in the "ready to go" position.  His cord is perfectly placed between his legs and goes to my left back where my placenta is. Most likely what happened is that Dominic grabbed his cord and was squeezing it. Pill. We left very relieved. Home in time for dinner and playing with my beautiful, wonderfully behaved toddler. 

I couldn't shake the fear though. The thoughts that ran through my head. One day I start to let go and plan and get excited to bring my son home with me, alive, in a car seat. The next, I'm crying in the dr's office about where I'm going to put another urn in my house. Terrible. I know. But my thought process none the less. I was physically and emotionally worn out. We went to bed, prayed prayers of thankfulness for allowing Dominic to be healthy, happy, doing wonderful. I remembered this verse. Hours later. "oh, right. i don't need to be shaken. i have the one who created Dominic looking out for me. the one who Dominic belongs to before he belongs to me". 

"He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken." Psalm 62:6