6 months

today marks 6 months to the date that we gave birth and lost Nathan, Malia, and Anthony Jr. summer to winter....seems like such a long time. it also seems like just yesterday sometimes. life has been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions lately for many reasons. the ups and downs have caused me to go on somewhat of a "journaling" hiatus. i have spent a lot more time praying about peace in my heart lately. i have a lot of anxiety over different points throughout my day, and it's stretching me to work through those. it's stretching my marriage. my husband and i are committed. 100%, never ending, never giving up, through thick and thin committed. i am pretty sure we've been through the worse thing a marriage can go through. and we are going strong. i am an emotional mess sometimes for my husband to deal with. he's a saint for dealing with me through it. but i will say that things have changed. i "need" more lately. i need to know more often the love my husband feels for me. i need to be told more how much i mean to him and why. maybe this will go away as time goes on, but i am not sure. i make sure i tell my daughter everything she means to me at LEAST daily, if not more. i never, for one moment want her to forget the incredible gift she is to me, and how amazing the love of her creator is for her. we daily chat about what a great big sister she is, and how someday i hope she gets another sister or brother to hug and kiss and love on this earth. i daily tell my husband how much i love him and how i feel about who he is. i don't want to take one moment for granted. one minute i was pregnant and feeling my children doing flips and kicks inside of me, and the next i was giving birth to them and watching them take their last breaths. i wish i took more time in those first moments of their lives to tell them more of how much i loved them, how special they were, what they meant to me and their father. how exciting it would be to meet Jesus. i froze though. i did tell them briefly all of those things, and i know they know now, but i froze. and some things i wanted to say, i didn't get a chance to. i don't want to freeze in these moments i have on earth with my family. i want every word that i need to say to come out. there is no time for "waiting". the bible says that tomorrow isn't guaranteed. i just took it for granted the MY tomorrows were. 6 months later, and there are still lessons being learned from the loss we encountered and lives of my beautiful babies.

forgive me if i take more time off from blogging every day. i have a TON of things i want to post about, but when i sit down to write it all out, i just can't do it. i will be trying though, promise.

been awhile

i know it's been awhile since i've posted. i have so much on my mind, it's hard to get it all into words. i also don't want to make blogging a chore, and it's been lately. my husband said if i am not enjoying it, i shouldn't be doing it. i am enjoying it. it's a release for me. it's nice to write down things that are on my mind without cataloging books on my shelves. i have a shelf in my craft area filled with journals. not very practical to me anymore. takes up so much space, and not easy to find if i ever want to look back for certain events....so i love that i can do it all online. i just need time to gather my thoughts....

i went to the "girls night out" tour with mandisa, laura story and britt nicole. it was great. i want to write about that as well. soon. for now, i'm heading to bed to ice my ankle and chat with the husband. we have a lot to talk about lately. i love nights just laying in bed talking with my husband until i can't barely keep my eyes open.

i know it's been awhile. forgive me. i'll get my thoughts together and post again soon.

Again

i feel like i've failed as a parent again. i was reading a blog of another mother who lost triplets, similar in fact that one of her children was not born alive, and the other two were. she was talking about taxes and how she claimed her two sons that were born alive that year, and how this year she had to remove them from the list and how hard that was.

months ago i wondered about this. NOT AT ALL for the dependent money thing, but because i wanted to claim them as my children. it was like reinforcing to "the world" that they lived, they were alive, they are my children. we didn't know the answer to that and assumed because they didn't get social security numbers that we weren't supposed to claim them. i didn't think any more of it...well, i did, but not aloud. i wanted so bad for there to be a way to claim them. claim....what a word.

v. to demand, ask for, or take as one's own or one's due;

a statement of something as a fact; an assertion of truth

i wanted to claim my children. i gave birth to them. they took breaths on this earth. they are mine. they deserve to be recognized. i should have claimed them. i should have pressed the issue further with my husband. i should have fought for them harder.

not claiming them, as silly as it may sound to anyone else, it's like i denied they were born. like i denied they are my children. denied the took breaths here on this earth.

i feel like i have failed them......again.

rough one

the triplet's room is empty. the marks in the carpet where the last crib was and the dresser will soon disappear with vacuuming. my husband took the crib and dresser to work for a guy who is expecting twins and has no money right now. we agreed we would give the furniture to people who needed it because any other children we have, we want to buy them their own furniture. i came home from work to see the room empty, and it took my breath away. i thought i was ready for their furniture to be gone, for their room to be completely taken apart. i wasn't as ready as i thought.

i feel like when i give each piece of furniture away, i am giving pieces of my children away. as crazy as it sounds, i had to hug the crib last night because i knew it wouldn't be there when i got home from work the next day. my child was supposed to sleep in that crib, spit up in that crib, cry in that crib, pee through his/her diaper in that crib. none of that ever got to happen, and instead someone else's child will get to do all those things in my child's crib.

i hope they love their child to the core, appreciate every late night, sickness, change of sheets, and tired days that they get with their child.

The Ripple Effect

Walking With You's

topic this week is the ripple effect in your marriage from the loss of a child/ren. My husband's and my marriage has definitely changed dramatically since the loss of Nathan, Anthony Jr and Malia. We clung to each other in the hospital. I didn't want my husband to be away from my side, and he didn't want to leave my side. We held each other, he checked on me constantly through the night, and I checked on him. We barely got any sleep, not like anyone COULD sleep through what was going on. We locked eyes a lot. I think something, and it instantly is on my husband's lips most of the time. Vice Versa. So, the closer it got to delivering the triplets, the less words that needed to be shared. After we left the hospital, my husband didn't want me to be alone. Not even in the bedroom in the morning when we'd wake up. If he had to go somewhere, he made sure someone was at the house the entire time he was gone. I tried to let him know I was ok, or that I needed some time alone, but he wouldn't have it. He knows me too well. We cried a lot the days after, into the weeks after they were gone. My husband got to take a few weeks off with me. That was incredibly nice. We spent every waking moment together. Our marriage has grown stronger. We depend on each other in ways only we can understand. Our priorities have changed, our arguments have changed, our emotions have changed. Our marriage is definitely been effected by the loss of our children. There is no way that is wouldn't be. I know that it could have been effected for the worse, and we fought hard against that. We fight daily against it. Satan will use anything as a stronghold to break up what God has put together. In knowing that alone, it makes us stronger. We are united in that front. We pray for our marriage daily because without it, we know what can happen. Grief can takeover all parts of your life and your heart, and there is no greater grief than losing your children. I'm convinced of that.

empty places

my husband took down the last and final crib tonight. and the dresser that came 14 days before the triplets died is still sitting in the box in their room, that too will be going this week. my husband works with a guy that found out he and his girlfriend are having twins. they don't have a lot of money to get all the stuff they will need, so we decided we will give them ours. I can't use the triplet's furniture for future babies of ours. It doesn't feel right. every time i go upstairs i see the crib in the bedroom. i told my husband i need it out, i can't keep looking at it anymore. tonight i go upstairs to give my daughter a bath and my husband is taking the crib apart. i lose it. it's a lose lose situation. i can't stand to keep looking at the crib, but i can't stand for it to be gone either. it's final. they never came home. it's like they never were even in the picture when their room is finally taken completely down. one more hard day. sometimes it seems like the waves of grief hit me out of no where. the room will be empty this week. completely empty. my heart is feeling empty tonight. i snuggled my daughter closer. i held my husband longer. the holes in my heart are still there. i'm fighting to stay above the water. i'm fighting to fill my empty heart. God is right here with me fighting along side me to fill the empty places.

Peace

it's been a roller coaster ride for my emotions the past few days. ever since valentine's day i have had waves of emotions rolling over me very frequently. i'm not even sure why because we don't really even celebrate valentine's day. i just get choked up, and have to choke it back down. this week we had family in town, family we don't see very often at all. i was apprehensive to be alone with my sister in law because i know my emotions are very fragile right now and i didn't want to trigger a sobfest. i ended up holding my emotions together pretty well after talking in depth about my triplets. it made me think more about how i would have changed that day though, and the days around it. i know there is no going back. i know there can be no changes made, and i pray that we NEVER have to go through something like this again. however, i do wish we did walk through that journey a little differently. that makes me upset as well. i just need reassurance sometimes that there was nothing wrong with how we handled the loss of our children. a dear friend of my, the best of the best, reassured me today that nothing we did was wrong, and that no one has the right to tell us what we should have done. isn't it funny how sometimes we just need someone else to tell us what we already know to feel a peace again about decisions we've made?

praying peace over my heart, my mind, and my body tonight. peace over my sleep and my dreams. praying peace over all of you reading this as well.